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    Adelinee21's Avatar
    Adelinee21 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Sep 15, 2018, 12:52 AM
    My son sent an inappropriate letter to his classmate
    Today my son's school called me.He went to the office for passing a note to a kid saying "I'm going to kill you, you will die" .the kids said he don't think my son would kill him but he got scared and report it to the teacher, my son said he only want to scare the kid . But should I be scare my son is turning to a bad kid . He's loving , he's a very good kid .He has been staying at my Mom's house he watches all day YouTube;'mine craft,edgeTvdaddy,slender man' that I know.He has a Nintendo he plays Goku, fighting and killings, could all that just be affecting him,make him think that killing and make someone afraid of him is fun or good? I need help I don't know what to say to my son . I know he is going to stop watching YouTube and I'm going to involve him into sports and games less aggressive. But for right now I don't know what to tell him ,and if I'm wrong and I'm racing my son to be bad? How do I know he's not going to be a bad person?
    jlisenbe's Avatar
    jlisenbe Posts: 3,258, Reputation: 154
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    #2

    Sep 15, 2018, 06:44 AM
    He has been staying at my Mom's house he watches all day YouTube;'mine craft,edgeTvdaddy,slender man' that I know.He has a Nintendo he plays Goku, fighting and killings,
    If he's unsupervised on YouTube, then there is no telling what he is watching. Use this incident as a wake-up call for you. His internet content should be limited and filtered. He needs to be involved with you as much as possible, everything from helping with chores to fun activities to sports to doing homework. I'd suggest you read the Bible together everyday and get involved in church. Don't waste your time feeling guilty. Can't change yesterday, but you can change today.

    As to the note itself, when I was a boy fifty years ago, we would write and say things like that and no one cared. Now we have perhaps over reacted a bit, but I would strongly emphasize to him that he cannot write notes/make threats like that, especially at school, and that if he does, he will have to deal with you and it won't be pleasant. Bear in mind that you are here to be his parent, not his buddy. You will have to decide what is an appropriate reaction to this.

    Best wishes. Raising children is only for the brave of heart! You plainly care about your son. When I was a school principal, I always liked working with parents like you who really wanted to do well.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,912, Reputation: 10852
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    #3

    Sep 15, 2018, 07:44 AM
    I think the suggestion to ask your school for resources and guidance in this situation is a good one. How old is he? What kind of talk did you have with him and I have to ask what consequences for his inappropriate behavior did you hold him to? Where is his father in all this?

    My kids were grounded and lost privileges and favorite things and activities when they acted beyond what I thought was good behavior. I was also raised that way. You and your mom should get together and explain the boundaries of good behavior to your son, and enforce those boundaries when he crosses the lines you have set. It takes many adults to raise kids, so do reach out to his teachers and counsellors for help. In this way at least you will know if this was an isolated incident, or a pattern of behavior, or a reaction to something else you need to know.

    Why was he even trying to scare the kid in the first place?
    jlisenbe's Avatar
    jlisenbe Posts: 3,258, Reputation: 154
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    #4

    Sep 15, 2018, 07:48 AM
    My kids were grounded and lost privileges and favorite things and activities when they acted beyond what I thought was good behavior. I was also raised that way. You and your mom should get together and explain the boundaries of good behavior to your son, and enforce those boundaries when he crosses the lines you have set. It takes many adults to raise kids, so do reach out to his teachers and counsellors for help. In this way at least you will know if this was an isolated incident, or a pattern of behavior, or a reaction to something else you need to know.
    Good advice!
    Illusion's Avatar
    Illusion Posts: 195, Reputation: 33
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    #5

    Nov 8, 2018, 02:46 AM
    Hi Adelinee21, I know you posted this a few weeks ago but I wanted to suggest that you begin to plan to have some child/parent time with your son. What concerns me about his behavior is that the way he wants to resolve an issue - whether it be because he doesn't like this other kid, or wanted to scare him - is by using violence. Your son needs to hear from you that you love him and that you want the best for him - and that there are ways to resolving differences with other people and that does not include violence. This may be one of the important conversations that you have with your son. I would talk about myself and my own life experience - explain that life is challenging and that situations arise where we have to use self-control and that means using communication to express our disagreement. We do not have to agree with other people - that is okay - if we need to we can say, "I don't agree with you on..." or "I feel like that would not work for me...." Violence is used by people when they do not feel heard or recognized or they feel disrespected.

    Your son is aware of his own behavior - he recognized that he just wanted to scare this boy - but his actions can lead to serious repercussions from the law and other people. You need to help your son to know that he has options - he can ask to talk to the teacher, he can ask you to call the teacher for him, or if he doesn't like what this kid is doing or saying - its okay to say, "You know what? You need to leave me alone dude" or something like that. If that doesn't work, then what is the next step? Write a letter to the Principal or School Counselor to intervene. There are always options and this is what your son needs to learn - that negotiation is a part of life. It is a part of friendships, marriage, you name it. We negotiate all the time with other people, we are just not aware of it all the time because it happens on a regular basis.

    I recently helped my friends negotiate over their shared driveway with their neighbor. My friend's husband is 60 years old and he was so upset over the shared driveway with the neighbor that he was literally shaking with anger. He thought it might be a good idea to get his shotgun and click it several times to scare his neighbors - and I said no way! I said its okay, take a deep breath, we are going to work this out with them. Thank God he can be rational - despite being a very emotional person (one reason why I appreciate him and his wife). We sat down at the kitchen table and wrote a letter to the neighbors and asked for their help with this situation. My friend's husband can be a "tough guy" - but we were honest in the letter but respectful and asked for the neighbors to consider several options. We ended the letter by saying we liked the neighbors, they are good people and wanted to maintain the friendly relationship with them. Would they work with us to work something out that will work for everyone? It has taken several weeks but the situation is calm and the neighbor's father came over to say that he liked my friends also and wanted to work something out.

    I share this story because in the moment - people can get very emotional and let their emotions take over - but this does not have to be this way. Even when we are upset, we need to know that we have options and that there are people that will help and support us to get a solution. Even we do not see a solution in the moment because we are so angry or upset.

    I would highly recommend that you enroll your son in therapy - you might want to go with him - there needs to be a healing that takes place, one in which your son will recognize his strengths and weaknesses - like all of us - and find a new way of relating and talking with other people - and not letting his emotions get the best of him. It may help your communication with your son as well. Take care.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,277, Reputation: 7690
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    #6

    Nov 8, 2018, 04:21 PM
    I would see if the school has counseling available, and /or you get it private. I also suggest to see if the school has a mentoring program.

    Threats in writing to kill someone is very serious and needs to be addressed as such. Also why is he needing to scare someone, that also, even if not to kill is a large issue

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