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nancyaddressgeneral · Feb 18, 2007, 08:35 AM

Hello. My daughter, age 24, is definitely depressed, overwhelmed (has 2 small children and single mom with very low income) She is so socially phobic that she can not seem to get out of her "rut". Has the same job since she was 16, part time, low wages etc. because she is "comfortable" there as she knows the people etc. I'm at my wits end because I don't know what to do to help her anymore. I've financially supported her, emotionally supported her and so on. My heart breaks for her but my heart breaks even more for the kids. I'm a bit angry today I guess because I feel like she should "motivate" herself to at least get help, therapy, whatever is needed. It's a revolving door of issues. She is too anxious to talk to someone for help... without talking to someone she won't get better. I understand that depression and anxiety are crippling her, don't get me wrong... BUT.. and well, here's the whole darn question in a nutshell... HOW can I help my daughter help herself. I think that maybe I've protected her too long. "helped" her to the point of enabling her? I truly understand her reluctance to seek help as I WAS her at her age.. same issues, feelings, financial status etc. I also have depression and anxiety. I know all too well her stagnant state of mind... :::sigh::: I don't know.. I need some advice big time to get this kid on the road to wellness for her sake as well as the kids. Thanks for reading.

SBowman · Feb 18, 2007, 08:45 AM

Have you tried to explain your point of view on the subject to her?

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valinors_sorrow · Feb 18, 2007, 07:58 PM

You are right to question what you are doing and where its going. And yes, some kindness is not kind, it enables dysfunction. Not good. It is good that you can see that. Very good. You need to empower both of you and simultaneous will be easiest, I would guess!

Make an appointment with someone you trust for both of you. Make your continued support continguent on her going with you to see someone in a tough love kind of way - loving but not open to negotiations. Make it impossible for her not to go -- in other words, meet all her practical objections. Hire a sitter if necessary. When she says she is too afraid to talk, assure her you'll do all the talking. Use your support to support this too. Just make it a part of the whole package. It may seem kind of rude to force her but if you are shelling out support then I believe you have the right to see that its not just a free ride you are handing out. And it would serve you both well to be going too, I think. Sure couldn't hurt, you know? Do you know how to find someone?

nancyaddressgeneral · Feb 18, 2007, 09:28 PM

Thanks val.. your idea is great.. I think I can do this. Can't hurt to try. I'm pretty much a push over where my kids are concerned but your right. Tough love is still love, maybe even more so than my idea of love? I'll talk with her tomorrow.

valinors_sorrow · Feb 19, 2007, 06:59 AM

Originally Posted by nancyaddressgeneral

thanks val..your idea is great..I think I can do this. Can't hurt to try. I'm pretty much a push over where my kids are concerned but your right. tough love is still love, maybe even more so than my idea of love? I'll talk with her tomorrow.

Please don't talk this over with her! Not wise.

I am glad you are open to this idea. Maybe make the appointment first though? Do you do have some idea of her schedule? If you talk this over with her in advance, you give her that much more power to form resistance. We all know she won't like it and that doesn't need confirmation. Stop asking her and begin telling her--- gently, lovingly. There is a difference. You take action and insist she come along. You are in the lead, not her. It won't work to say, "honey I am going to use tough love on you, is that okay?" LOL

You aren't in the driver's seat here and this is why I think you need to go to the counselor too, to get a better bead on your bearings. Being a pushover is part of the problem and that is YOUR part. Its very very understandable that you are being "run" by her and her illness but that is not good and its time to call in the cavalry, okay? If this plan is too big of a step, then please initially go yourself to the counselor to build up to it. You can even run the plan by the counselor then too or they may have other good ideas as well.