[nana41]

My daughter has a 5 year old step-son. She has played a big part in his life since he was 18 months old. Until April this year she had a good relationship with him during his weekend visits with his Dad and my daughter.

In April everything changed! A serious incident occurred and resulted in an emergency residency order being granted to my daughter and her partner. (Who at this time was 4 months pregnant with their own baby!).

Her step son has lived full time with her and his dad for the last 5 months and the courts have since awarded custody to my daughter and her partner. However his mum cannot accept this and during visits to his mum she promises him that he is going to come home soon and tells him that it is my daughters fault that he cannot live with his mum. She also rewards him for bad behaviour between visits with his mum.

My daughter is now at her wits end - she has a 4 week old baby who her step son resents and he spits, swears and verbally attacks my daughter. She has now left (temporalily) the family home as her partner feels that she isn't sensitive to his sons feelings and thinks that is behaviour should be over looked because he's having a tough time!

When they are all at home together her step son follows his dad around like a shadow and bedtime is a nightmare, constantly wanting attention from his dad - he said it wasn't fair that the baby slept in his dad's room and he has to sleep on his own - so he has now started sleeping in the same bed as his son!

In addition to the behaviour already mentioned he is 'smearing' and repeats himself constantly until he gets his own way and runs away from the house when ever he feels like it!

What can they do??

[rockinmommy]

Well, first of all, whatever they do, they need to do as a united front. So as long as the dad is letting this behavior go on you daughter may as well go stick her head in the sand or bang it against the wall... it will get the same result.

At this point I wouldn't even worry abou the bratty little step-son. Your daughter needs to evaluate her relationship and decide whether she really even has one. I'd lay it on the line for "her partner" and tell him he needs to decide if he wants the relation ship with her or not. If he does, that comes first, and together the two of them will handle the son as a united team.

I'm sure the dad is feeling guilty and all of that. But he's creating a monster.

As far as the step-son, I'd recommend that your daughter stock up on books by Dr. James Dobson and follow what he says. But that's ONLY if she and the dad do it together as a team.

My gut instinct... she should jump off the sinking ship before she gets sucked under and her baby gets old enough to be effcted by it.

[asking]

I agree that the dad is undermining the step mother and until he's ready to set limits with his son things are going to get worse. It's his job to be the bad guy, not the step mom's. But it's also true that this is a terribly hard time for the kid and he needs lots of love and attention as well as firm limits. Anyway, step mom should get to be the good cop in this triangle--not the evil step mother. That's just not fair.

Also, I'm wondering why the mother can't see more of her son than just visits. How bad can she be if the boy was fine until he was removed from his mother? Keeping them apart is a recipe for this kind of trouble. I'd advocate for letting him spend nights with her asap--not knowing any details... (And, I have to say this, if it's the dad advocating taking the kid from her, I'd be leery of him generally, whatever the reasons for removing the boy from his mom.)

I agree with rockinmommy that the step mother needs to reevaluate her relationship with the dad. I think she should seek outside help in the form of a counselor she can talk to. She needs support from someone besides her mother (nana), who cares, but will seem biased. Plus, nana, if you intervene too much here and they stay together, it will undermine your relationship with your son in law. In the long run, that will hurt your daughter. I feel for you. It sounds incredibly frustrating.