[aprylreign]

I have been with my current boyfriend almost 5 months. We waited a month to have sex and it was a eventful thing. I orgasmed for the first thing. When we both lived with roommates we would sneak into the bathroom or have a quickie while everyone was sleeping. One of his main complaints was that his ex wife would never have sex with him. Its 5 months later and we live together now with our 4 kids. When I was with my ex who was 57 we had sex 3 sometimes 4 times a day, and now with my current boyfriend I'm lucky if I get it once a week. It is driving me crazy. I try to talk to him about it and he says something like it's the kids. Or he's depressed, or he is just too tired. I have a very active libido and I am starting to feel neglected and ugly. I don't know what to do. I need some advice. Please Help.:confused:

[twinkiedooter]

Each man is different. I had a younger boyfriend and at first he was a ball of fire in bed. Then he got less and less fired up. The 57 year old ex was essentially over sexed and you must think that all men are that active sexually. They are not. Usually the younger ones tend to be more active, but again, each man is different. I think the "blush" has worn off since he seemed to like sneaking into the john for a quickie and now that there is no sneaking involved, it does not seem as thrilling to him. Being with a frigid woman like he claimed to have been may have put him off a bit on women as well. Have you gently initiated things with him? Try giving him a back rub, then make it a front rub, and then make it a lower front rub. This never fails to arouse a man. The actual sex act has a lot more to it. You need to do a bit of "exploring" and see what you can find.

[kp2171]

well... you can't use your ex as a "norm"... first of all. Most surveys show just a small percentage of people have sex multiple times a day, every day. I'm not saying you are "wrong" for having a strong drive... but I believe you were with a lover who was better able than many to perform at will so often.

second, you don't get to choose the good from past loves to hold against your current squeeze. One lover I had felt more "lush", even tighter, than any others. One was naughty as sin itself and would try about anything. One loved sex in public places. Another was inhibited. They are all in the past. Nice memories, but I can't compare too much... its just not fair. Its normal to use the past to understand the present... just don't hang too much on the actions of a past lover. Unless you are just so far off from your current love that you cannot stay. It happens.

as for your current lover, all the things he cites are reasons for decreased libido. The pressure of a new family life, no matter how good it can be, can hurt libido. Depression for sure can, as I've experienced this one when going through a deep funk. The drive was just not there. Likewise for being tired.

the things he can do to improve libido are often things that make for "good living", though some might say boring... getting good sleep, exercising, good nutrition, good mental state, reduced stress, limiting alcohol, no smoking, etc.

certain meds can decrease performance, and simply aging can... a persons blood vessels tend to "harden" over time (this isn't plaque I'm talking about where the vessels have narrowed passages, this is a change in elasticity of the vessels) and this can change physical response, which then plays into doubts about performance or adds pressure...

its an ugly cycle.

so you both need to come to some in between place where you both feel like you are giving to the other partner, but its also not being forced or demanded.

if he isn't driven for intercourse as much, what about oral on you to completion? By the time he is done, he might change his mind and you will be best primed anyway. What about sensual touch? My partner is best prepared for sex if I rub her down head to toe, and by the time I'm done helping her mentally relax and physically be sensitized, I'm also more primed and ready for sex.

is there a time of day that he seems more interested? Personal experience... I'm a night guy, my partner loves morning sex... which of course means now I'm more than willing to wake up at 4AM, as something is much better than nothing, eh?

and you talk about the excitement of sneaking off to have sex... well that's just the mental side amping things up. It's the chase. The forbidden. Or at least naughty enough to sneak. I love sex outdoors, and even if my backyard is completely private it always seems like I'm getting away with something when I can get my partner naked outside and I'm more mentally amped about the naughty factor. Wonder what time the satellites take pics of my neighborhood?.

then you throw a house full of kids in the mix... I think he's having a hard time letting his mind go. I've been there. When I married my wife I went from bach pad to loving in a bedroom that was above a child's room. My libido sunk. I still wanted sex. I still desired her. But I didn't feel like I had the freedom with the child so near.

so we got a bigger house. =) well, that was one reason we did. We also made more opportunities by finding ways to get time alone. And I can tell you, there were times when the car taking my child to grandmas or a cousins was barely out of the drive and I was racing to the bedroom. So... the arrangement might be a struggle for him to feel like he has a change to engage you without feeling like there's going to be someone coming around the corner any minute.

I'm not saying its an excuse to not try to compromise. But his lower drive can have absolutely nothing to do with his attraction and desire for you. When things are going well elsewhere in my relationship, things are best in the bedroom. When there is stress elsewhere in the relationship, my partner cannot get engaged... so I'm not saying it's a sign the wheels are falling off the wagon... I am saying the bedroom can suffer when other issues aren't addressed, like stress.

you might need some kid free time, dates or overnights out, you might need to find the time when he's more willing, and ask for oral if he's not as driven for intercourse.

the difference in this case between being sexually compatible or incompatible is going to be communication, a willingness from both sides to find some middle ground, and a feeling that the effort both sides are taking is recognized and appreciated. I can tolerate spells when my drive is higher than my partners, as it usually is, because I trust her desire is there... its just life getting in the way.

give some feedback if it'll help clarify your situation.

[aprylreign]

then you throw a house full of kids in the mix... i think hes having a hard time letting his mind go. ive been there. when i married my wife i went from bach pad to loving in a bedroom that was above a childs room. my libido sunk. i still wanted sex. i still desired her. but i didnt feel like i had the freedom with the child so near.

so we got a bigger house. =) well, that was one reason we did. we also made more opportunities by finding ways to get time alone. and i can tell you, there were times when the car taking my child to grandmas or a cousins was barely out of the drive and i was racing to the bedroom. so... the arrangement might be a struggle for him to feel like he has a change to engage you without feeling like theres going to be someone coming around the corner any minute.

This is so true. We are looking for a bigger house, because currently the slightest noise coming from the back ruins both of our moods. Lol. It doesn't help that are bedroom is a hide a bed in the living room

[Choux]

A few things come to my mind: You have only known your new friend for 4+ months... and now you have a complicated living arrangement with all the usual problems families have.

Often, people who are having regular problems in their lives that are getting them down use sex as if it will be a miracle road to happiness and are disappointed when sex doesn't offer a long term panacea. Perhaps, you two don't have anything positive in common yet, what is necessary to build a solid relationship. That's for you to evaluate at this point.

Maybe you need to backtrack and separate your households and cool it a little with combining your families. It may be too much too soon. Get to know each other better and find some endearing connections as well as common interests. :)

It is worrying that you are feeling like blaming him and comparing him to a 57 year old man who had sex 3-4-times a day! Be careful you don't ruin this relationship. :)

[maiwest]

It is everything that he said. 5 months of knowing each other and you're living together already with kids will simulate a marriage scenario and with the purchasing of a new house... There's a lot on your bfs mind and when that happens, sex decreases definitely.

You shouldn't feel ugly either as you have to understand that all of these "responsible" things are being done so that you guys could live together better...

Is the 57 year old all set in life without having to worry much about finances? If so maybe that's part of the reason why he has a lot of time in his hands and a lot of energy not have sex. He doesn't have to worry or think about those things anymore...

[aprylreign]

Thank You everyone and yes maiwest. The 57 yr old had too much time on his hands and I am ashamed for even trying to compare the 2 because my current boyfriend is twice the man the 57 yr old was. I met my boyfriend 5 months ago and I we are very in love. We are getting a bigger place now, and we agreed that we would make sure to put some time aside even if we have to use a alarm clock lol. I found out he is feeling just as deprived as I do, he is just so worried about rejected. Thank you to everyone. I love this site. I hope I will be able to offer the same kind of expert advice to others in the future lol. Good night all.

[cogs]

I found that vitamins help a little. And men feel good when they're fed, especially things for energy like rice. If you get something silky to wear to bed, he might respond. And don't push him, cause it's a turnoff. If you complain a lot about it, he'll be afraid to tell you no, and may start to resent you. My wife and I have the same trouble, and they're right about stress and time of day. He may not be able to perform soon after again. So just give the relationship some time to figure things out, and I think you'll come to a common ground.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, but to be honest I would not expect 3 or 4 times a day for almost any person on any regular basis, That is perhaps a somewhat unrealistic goal. On some days once in a while, but as noted, live with kids, as parents often working all day, taking care of kids, yes, a couple times a week would be more expected, since one or both will be tired often.

[smoothy]

Yes, but to be honest I would not expect 3 or 4 times a day for almost any person on any regular basis, That is perhaps a somewhat unrealistic goal. On some days once in a while, but as noted, live with kids, as parents often working all day, taking care of kids, yes, a couple times a week would be more expected, since one or both will be tired often.

Exactly... even without kids multiple times a day every day is highly unusual in a relationship, even if you are 20 years old. Once a day is more along the line without kids and less with kids.

But even then there are some people (men and women) even at a young age that just don't have a naturally strong libido.