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    MassageMe6's Avatar
    MassageMe6 Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Sep 25, 2013, 06:12 AM
    Now that my son is in a relationship he acts like he hates me.
    My son is 19 and has a girlfriend. I allow her to stay here during the week for school since her home life is a nightmare and on weekends she goes to her grandmas.

    My son and I have been very close his whole life. And often went out to eat just to touch base. Ever since allowing her to stay the week he has changed. He's cold and barely says two words to me and when I go to his room his replies are short and cold. I've spoken to him about it and he agrees and doesn't understand why he's behaving this way and then it gets better for a few days then he's back at it. What the heck is wrong with my kid?
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #2

    Sep 25, 2013, 06:37 AM
    You allow your son's girlfriend to live in your home for five of seven days, and change the very essence of your relationship with him, because you have allowed him, to take responsibility for his girlfriends life. What a position you have put him in.

    What he might be thinking is, the relationship is taking over his life, and he has no idea what to do about it without being seen as the bad guy.

    What if he wanted to end the relationship, or allow some space between himself and his girlfriend? What if he is now resentful of having to live with her most of the time, share meals, the TV, his social life? She has been allowed to take over, what was once, his domain.

    Where would she go. What would she do. How would she cope with life, school, etc. All of those considerations are now on your son's shoulders- and only 19! How is he going to have his usual relationship with you, when he has someone else 100% dependent on him.

    I am surprised that you seem so accepting of this arrangement, and it is not you who is wanting to change things.

    Why don't you test the waters a bit here. One night when she is not there, take him out for dinner. Tell him you are beginning to wonder if you've done the right thing in providing a home for his girlfriend on such a permanent basis. Feel the issue out, and see if he doesn't agree that it is a lot of responsibility to put on a 19 year olds shoulders.

    He is just a kid himself. Kids his age can't cope with the responsibility of even owning a dog and taking it for a walk every day.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,910, Reputation: 5430
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    #3

    Sep 25, 2013, 06:45 AM
    What Jake said.

    And do these two share a room and even a bed?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #4

    Sep 25, 2013, 06:56 AM
    I think he also is wondering what the heck HE is doing as a new adult. He should be out in the world taking care of his own place to live (or as most of us did, living on the cheap in a big rundown apartment with roommates).

    It's like playing house. Even if he does want her in his life, it doesn't 'mesh' living with his mother.
    MassageMe6's Avatar
    MassageMe6 Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Sep 25, 2013, 07:19 AM
    Before allowing her to stay here I made sure I asked him all those questions about what if this and that and he swore he had it under control. I asked about his free time and since she leaves on the weekend and they both work crazy shifts on the weekend he said it would be fine. In my mind I know for myself I would go nuts having someone in my space day after day cause I'm used to living alone. My boyfriend still has his own place after three years and it's just fine that way.

    They do sleep in his room but one of my rules is door open and since the bathroom is next door I can walk by. Not to mention their paranoia of ruining their life with a kid and my "hell no not in my house" rule.

    It's only been 3 months but in the beginning I would get greeted when returning home and goodnights when going to bed. Now this week nada tostada. I'm going to have a talk with him again and give him a time limit and make damn sure this stuff stops its just not going to fly in my house. It's MY house you greet me and acknowledge me when I'm in the house. I allowed this cause they're both very intelligent and mature and I wanted to teach him a lesson and prove a point. Trust me if he wants out he will come to me and we will ALL have a chat with momma bear. I just wanted to see if my wanting to call him on his behavior was going to interfere with some male biological brain thing that was happening.
    She does help him a lot with stuff but now I'm left out if the loop when he deals with stuff. She takes care of phone calls to be made and just everyday stuff that I used to. If I ask status on let's say, FAFSA, I get a short and annoyed answer from him. It's really annoying! And if I try to help it also bothers him even though obviously I know more!
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #6

    Sep 25, 2013, 09:16 AM
    It's sounds like you have been replaced with a 'wife'; a couple who behave in every way as a married couple, or at least a couple sharing a home together (and really- do you think they aren't having sex because you insist the door be open?).

    Maybe your son doesn't want out, maybe he likes this new arrangement, and I have assumed wrong about him being overwhelmed.

    All he has to do is greet you when you come home? Easy enough. It may very well be a win-win for him. You pay the majority of the bills no doubt, and they gratefully accept.

    This seems to be all about you, but really, it's all about the permission you gave for two 19 year olds to have control. It's not about the little things you used to do, that she now does. It is them taking over- as a couple, in every way. Your home is no longer yours and your son's home, it's him and his partner's home, and you are probably annoying them being in 'their' space.

    Are they both on Student Aid through FAFSA? Are they both being subsidized for college? What an easy life they have.

    But, I really don't think you can expect to be the kid you knew; now that he considers himself to be a 'man', and his loyalty is his 'woman'. His life has changed, and even if you had the courage to insist she make alternate arrangements, I doubt your relationship with him will be nothing but resentful, and probably for a long time.

    I don't know what to tell you to improve your life. For you to expect him to suddenly become the kid you once knew, before you allowed them to cohabitate in your home, seems unrealistic.
    smearcase's Avatar
    smearcase Posts: 2,392, Reputation: 316
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    #7

    Sep 25, 2013, 09:44 AM
    This story has a lot of holes in it, to me.
    What's the girlfriend's age and what type school does she attend? Are you closer to her school than grandma's house is? Why can't she stay with grandma all the time?
    What makes her parent's home so nightmarish?
    FAFSA? I guess that tells me she is in college? Are you managing the financing of her college bills?

    How often do you check on them during the night? If it less frequently than every 3 to 5 minutes, don't waste your time. And how did their paranoia become known to you?

    And you can search the AMHD site here to read up on what it will take to get her out if it comes to that.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #8

    Sep 25, 2013, 10:28 AM
    How is your relationship with her?
    MassageMe6's Avatar
    MassageMe6 Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
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    #9

    Sep 25, 2013, 10:35 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by N0help4u View Post
    How is your relationship with her?
    Its great she's really helpful around the house and she lets him know when he's being an to me. Her and I go on hikes and we talk about stuff.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #10

    Sep 25, 2013, 10:46 AM
    Good you have her to help which seems to mean she is not trying to turn him against you
    MassageMe6's Avatar
    MassageMe6 Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
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    #11

    Sep 25, 2013, 10:51 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by smearcase View Post
    This story has a lot of holes in it, to me.
    What's the girlfriend's age and what type school does she attend? Are you closer to her school than grandma's house is? Why can't she stay with grandma all the time?
    What makes her parent's home so nightmarish?
    FAFSA? I guess that tells me she is in college? Are you managing the financing of her college bills?

    How often do you check on them during the night? If it less frequently than every 3 to 5 minutes, don't waste your time. And how did their paranoia become known to you?

    And you can search the AMHD site here to read up on what it will take to get her out if it comes to that.
    Our house is really small and there's only a kitchen separating the rooms and I sleep with my door open too and a light sleeper. If they do or don't, that's really on them. He told me she is afraid of me hating her for it and throwing her out.

    Girl is 20 and both in College. She can't live with her mom due to her mom being schizophrenic/bipolar and making it very difficult to study. She manages her own college bills. My son pays for half the bills in the house and also we all three alternate buying groceries.

    The paranoia came about due to several of their friends having accidents and now changing their career plans to have a baby. My son is very ambitious and is deathly afraid of having a child before he reaches the top of the corporate ladder. They have both made decisions to be extremely safe. I know they have sex and as long as I don't see it or hear it ill be fine.

    She really is a sweet girl and I feel really bad about her situation. Im going to go with the first answer I got which was my son feeling the stress. I don't see him going out with friends at all. And when she's gone he's his normal self again, playing his video games and being cool. My son once adopted a dog and couldn't handle the responsibility and also behaved the same way, really grouchy and snappy. So Im going to have a talk with him tonight about it. Im all for helping anyone out but when it starts interfering with home life I got to set it right.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #12

    Sep 25, 2013, 11:00 AM
    Just encourage him that you are proud of him, you love him and you see he is making good choices toward working toward a good future. By showing encouragement and support maybe in time he will. Open up more. Right now the main thing is maintain without losing more of him than you already have.
    MassageMe6's Avatar
    MassageMe6 Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
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    #13

    Sep 25, 2013, 11:14 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by N0help4u View Post
    Just encourage him that you are proud of him, you love him and you see he is making good choices toward working toward a good future. By showing encouragement and support maybe in time he will. Open up more. Right now the main thing is maintain without losing more of him than you already have.
    He has even told me that he doesn't know why he acts this way that its kind of annoying to him lol He mentioned that maybe it was due to him feeling a bit moreresponsible that he doesn't need me but then he said that it wasn't right to feel like that cause I'm being really cool and everyone wishes they had me as a mom and he hates feeling like he's hurt my feelings. So he's aware of it.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,244, Reputation: 10853
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    #14

    Sep 25, 2013, 04:51 PM
    He is 19, trying to transition from being a son to being a man. Give him space to work on himself. He has many conflicts to deal with and needs to learn his own mind. I think understanding is the best thing you can do for him. You are a good mom that raised this guy, but its obvious he needs a man to talk with, to fill in the missing pieces.

    With everything else, two females and one young fellow is like serving to masters and he has no outlets. Give him space so he can grow, and learn at his pace. He has NONE of his own unless one of you is away. Where is his dad? Uncles around?

    He is in transition. Back off a bit. Let him have his emotional growth spurt. I feel for him. But he will be okay.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #15

    Sep 25, 2013, 05:02 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post

    With everything else, two females and one young fellow is like serving to masters and he has no outlets. Give him space so he can grow, and learn at his pace. He has NONE of his own unless one of you is away. Where is his dad? Uncles around?
    .
    I think Tal has hit on something there...
    MassageMe6's Avatar
    MassageMe6 Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
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    #16

    Sep 25, 2013, 06:53 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    He is 19, trying to transition from being a son to being a man. Give him space to work on himself. he has many conflicts to deal with and needs to learn his own mind. I think understanding is the best thing you can do for him. You are a good mom that raised this guy, but its obvious he needs a man to talk with, to fill in the missing pieces.

    With everything else, two females and one young fellow is like serving to masters and he has no outlets. Give him space so he can grow, and learn at his pace. He has NONE of his own unless one of you is away. Where is his dad? Uncles around?

    He is in transition. Back off a bit. Let him have his emotional growth spurt. I feel for him. But he will be okay.
    His dad is around but with school and work he sees him every couple months but he will probably talk to him. He usually comes to me for advice but maybe he will go to his dad for this. Thanks for the help!

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