I have an only child, a beautiful, sweet-spirited, kind, considerate and very loving daughter who will soon be 21 years old. She hates confrontations, so much to the point that she will avoid them until the situation snowballs and plows her over. My daughter commutes to a university and lives at home... that is most of time. She is engaged and stays overnight with her boyfriend on the weekends against her parent's wishes. She works part time even though we pay the majority of her bills, i.e. car payment, college tuition and books, insurance, mobile phone. We expected her to pay for her gas, clothes, haircuts, etc. yet she nows takes a good portion of her part-time monies and pays 1/2 of her boyfriend's house payment instead because he doesn't make that much money. In other words, I feel like we keep her up so she can keep him up. We made the mistake of letting him stay in a separate bedroom at our house initially for 2 days a week that lead to every day of the week that lead to 10 months until I finally said no more, then he moved into my sister's house even though he had bought a house 6 months earlier that was perfectly fine to live in. He seems to be a nice person for the most part, although he is easily frustrated and appears to be unmotivated. He is very close minded and prejudiced against persons different from him. He holds grudges and does not easily forgive and hasn't spoken to his mother in approx. 5 years, although the mother has reached out to him several times. "In my heart of hearts", I just don't feel like this person is right for her but she disagrees and is engaged to him, although she has agreed to hold off on a wedding since he can not afford to carry health insurance on her. She insists that she doesn't live with him because weekends don't count, and she constantly compares how much more respectful she is than most other girls her age who have boyfriends live with them at college. I'm inclined to tell her that she can park her car every weekend at our home if she insists on living with him every weekend because I don't want to fund transportation for that. The boyfriend finally moved into his house after his father found out that he was not living there and shamed him for it. My daughter knows that I have concerns about their relationship which causes conflict and disharmony between us. My daughter and I have been extremely close but now when she breaks down and tells me things during normal conversation about his deficiencies, or how she wishes he would be this or that, I get frustrated and tell her what I think. In the past, he has called her some ugly names when he had too much to drink which were entirely disrespectful and I would consider verbal abuse but she said he was sorry and didn't mean to. However, he has exhibited this behavior approx. 4 times within a two year relationship. I feel like my sister is compromising me as her mother, because she sides with my daughter. So much more, but I will stop.

Hello friend,

You've described a situation that is being fueled by your money as you know. It seems that your daughter is not the only one who doesn't want to confront uncomfortable situations .

Unless you want to support this situation the rest of your life it is important to lay out a NEW set of rules that give absolute minimal support . Do it with a kind heart but a firm attitude.

Yes your daughter will be angry but she will be left with dealing with the truth.
Better now than after there are children or after this boyfriend has brought the girl's self esteem down to his level.

If this were my daughter I would do exactly this and she would not receive any "Cash" except for gas to go to school and any "expenses" I would pay direct so the money was not "mis spent".

Someday she will thank you for not allowing her to get into an evidently abusive situation or at least a situation that appears to have a lot of potential for abuse. (he's only nice to get what he wants!)

I hope you show your daughter you love her enough to see what's wrong and to take action.
Sincerely,
SmartAlex

SmartAlex has hit the nail on the head. You are enabling her to enable him to live a very nice life without putting in much effort. He sounds like a very accomplished manipulator.

Pulling the plug at your end will go a long way to determining his true colors. My guess is that if you agree to pay your daughter's (and ONLY your daughter's) necessary expenses yourself by her handing you the bills and you writing the checks directly to the creditor, this young man will soon move on. I would give her a prepaid gas credit card so that no cash can be drawn against it.

I suggest you couch it in "our finances are a mess and we need to reorganize them...we're sure you'll understand" terms as opposed to targeting the relationship overtly. That might help defuse what is likely to be a very painful discussion. Tell her it's temporary or that your accountant (or lawyer, or guru, or whoever) said you need to do it this way. Not only does that make the pill easier for her to swallow, but it gives her an easy out when she has to explain to her deadbeat sweetheart that there won't be any slush fund going forward.

Love it Schoolmarm97 !