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    mjkiltz's Avatar
    mjkiltz Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Dec 7, 2007, 10:27 AM
    Lost dad and even more lost daughter.
    Someone please help? I have a 22 year old daughter who last year at this time received a DUI after a nights full of partying. This happened one week before her 21st surprise birthday party. Which of course did not happen due to the fact her DUI violation was issued after she rolled her friends car and broke her femur and her best friends back. And another boy broke his ankle. I warned her of all the dangers of drinking and driving many different times and even warned her that very day on the phone. I do not drink myself and I thought she did not as well. But I guess I was wrong. I come to find out after the accident she is actually very good at drinking and popular at the bars. When this happened I was furious. Previous to this incindent she graduated high school with straight D's, had two other car accidents, a car repossesed, spent an inheritance that was meant for college on booze and going out to eat. Unlike most parents I spent very little time in the hospital with her and told her I would support her in all of her lifes misfortunes, but I will not pay one bit of attention to anyone including my own daughter, who may have killed another family that night by her stupidity. My mother died of alchoholism, so I am very sensitive about this issue. Well after a year of hardly talking to her at all (her choice) she has now moved in with me because she realized that when you have an accident with this magnitude you might have to pay it back. My wife (her stepmom) and I talked and we agreed we could help her so we let her in. Big mistake. I have tried to help her collect her bills so we can attack them one at a time and she refuses to help me help her. We charge her $100.00 per month rent and she makes 13 - 15 dollars per hour selling phones. Rather than sitting down and talking to me about it, she goes out almost every night to eat or to see her boyfriend. To tell you the truth I saw it coming, But after you break your leg in a major car rollover, I figured that would be a life changing experience. Apparently I was wrong. Outside of letting her fly on her own, what should I do? I try to talk to her but it is always a fight and I am tired of it. I know what most of you will say, but I am afraid she will not be able to make it if she leaves. And if she doesn't leave I do not think I am going to make it.
    Stephieee's Avatar
    Stephieee Posts: 34, Reputation: 7
    Junior Member

    Dec 7, 2007, 12:25 PM
    You can't make her change. This is something she will grow out of it once she realizes that there is more to life than parties. I went through the same thing, DUI, reposessed car, credit bills and everything. I was probably worse, because I was doing drugs too. And guess what? Right about when I turned 23 (6 months. Ago) I got tired of living that life and started getting back on track. Now I have a good job, a car, a nice apartment and I just started law school. And I did that with barely any help from my parents.

    I know you think she is ruining her life, but she's 22 and technically an adult now, and you have to let her do what she wants. You can't force her to become responsible.

    My advice would be to set some rules for your house. Tell her if she doesn't want to live by those rules, she is free to move. If she ever decides that she is ready to get it together, is more than welcome to live in your home again. Don't become a way for her to dodge responsibility- make it clear that you will not be lending her any money. When she's ready, she'll let you know.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855

    Dec 9, 2007, 10:41 AM
    Dude, she is an adult and needs to be on her own. As a parent you worry all the time, but she needs some tough love about now. Kick her out.
    Chery's Avatar
    Chery Posts: 3,666, Reputation: 698
    Gone, But Not Forgotten

    Jan 19, 2008, 12:23 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman
    Dude, she is an adult and needs to be on her own. As a parent you worry all the time, but she needs some tough love about now. Kick her out.
    That is a hard choice to make - but think about it. Would she be there for you if you needed her? I doubt it. Let her use and abuse someone else for a change, or straighten out. She already knows you love her, but it's time for her to live her own life, good or bad.

    You and your wife have a right to happiness so tell her to get professional help and get her stuff together. She might have some resentments to deal with but should resolve them as an adult.

    Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
    Uber Member

    Jan 19, 2008, 12:30 PM
    You've answered your own question ; let her fly on her own. You cannot and should not take responsibility for her solving her own problems. She's an adult now (even though she may not act like one) and since she has already refused your assistance she's now on her own.

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