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    yorgo's Avatar
    yorgo Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 13, 2006, 11:39 AM
    My invisible child
    Christmas is coming. Typically I meet my ex 500 miles away to swap the kids so they can spend time with me. This only happens twice each year. Once during the summer and once during Christmas.

    I am remarried and have 1 child with my new wife. She has an older child from her previous marriage.

    Problem #1 - Current wife doesn't think she should have to deal with my kids for more then 2 weeks at a time. Since they only have 1 week off during the Christmas vacation this adds up to 3 total weeks I see them each year. They are very young with the oldest being 8.

    Problem #2 - Current wife does not want me to aknowledge my 3rd child with my ex. This was a major problem when I was dating my current wife. She felt I had cheated on her with my ex-wife and got her pregnant. Conception happened 1 week after I met my current wife. Still she will not have anything to do with my 3rd child nor will she accept that I have any kind of relationship with him either.

    This year my ex-wife wants me to take all 3 kids. I really want to see my first two and get to know my 3rd child as any parent would and should. I haven't told my current wife just yet but she will absolutely not allow this to happen. My first 2 are welcome to stay in our house (remember, with restrictions) but my 3rd child is supposed to be invisible, non-existent. How can I make this work? I've been very patient and have gone through some very difficult and confusing emotional times.

    What should I do?
    Sentra's Avatar
    Sentra Posts: 385, Reputation: 55
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    #2

    Nov 13, 2006, 11:45 AM
    Whoa, hold the phone.

    When your wife, current one, married you she should have realized that custody or not, you and your children are a package deal. You are THEIR father, and not your wife's crashtest dummy. If you want to spend time with them, she needs to accept that you have children and suck it up. If she can't fully accept them, she cannot fully accept you.

    Spend time with them, have them over, show them how much you love them regardless of the situation. I have been in their shoes, it isn't easy but the time spent with the parent they rarely get to see will be a great bonus.

    You don't want your kids to feel ignored and resent you because you have remarried and started a new family. They are the ones that matter most in this situation, not the wants of your wife, who in my opinion is not being supportive at all.
    yorgo's Avatar
    yorgo Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Nov 13, 2006, 11:53 AM
    I agree, she is not supportive. We have had this argument many times before and she just doesn't get it. Her idea of being supportive is helping feed the kids when they are visiting.
    My problem is with my 3rd child. He is only 3 years old and I have yet to spend a single minute with him.

    This, I know, will end up in a 2nd divorce. She told me a long time ago she would NEVER accept my 3rd child. Yes, she has issues.
    Sentra's Avatar
    Sentra Posts: 385, Reputation: 55
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    #4

    Nov 13, 2006, 11:59 AM
    I am very sorry to hear that she is treating you this way, not only you but your children. As the step-mother and wife to you, I can't believe her behavior and were it MY way I'd switch bodies with you and establish your presence as head of the household and give her the "Love me, all of me, or leave me" speech. This is about the children but it sounds like she is making herself out to be the victim, with the "Geez, these kids aren't mine! Why should I have to deal with them?!" bit. Issues, ha, she's got full blown subscriptions.

    Haha, anyhoo, these are the years for your children that they will remember most. The "When I was a kid..." stories come up a lot, notice that? Honestly, I am trying to keep my own anger out of this so please forgive me if I cross the line, and I do apologize. She should get to know them; she married you and they are apart of you, why can't she at least try for all of them.
    yorgo's Avatar
    yorgo Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Nov 13, 2006, 01:11 PM
    I know what I have to do but I don't understand why I am such a chicken about this. Right now we are getting along. She's usually hard to get along with. I feel like I don't want to stir things up while times are good. A big part of me knows what has to be done. I have to think about my kids first. I have to get to know the 3rd child, he doesn't know me at all. The 2 older ones will soon be asking why their little brother isn't allowed to visit when they do.

    I just don't understand why I have such a hard time talking to my wife about this. I know where she stands on the subject and I just don't want to go through another divorce and definitely don't want to do this to our little boy who's only 2. When the $hit hits the fan she will kick me out of the house. I know it.

    She will say exactly these words "If you want to get to know your bastard 3rd kid then you don't have to ever see this one again". She will try to prevent me from seeing my 4th child. I just feel like I'm in a hard spot but it's been on my mind for the last 3 years.

    My current wife just started working again. Part time at night and weekends. There is absolutely no way she can afford her house, cars, bills, etc.. That I pay for now. She will know that if she kicks me out she will likely lose the house so I'm not sure how it will play out. I just don't know how to start this 'talk' with her.

    Doesn't help that she is bipolar
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,267, Reputation: 7689
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    #6

    Nov 13, 2006, 03:40 PM
    You take your kids, all three of them, to treat one kid badly becaues he was not planned is beyond bad, Your kids all three are your kids.

    And you tell your new wife she has no choice or voice in it, that you get your kids on visitation and you dn't want to hear another word about it.

    It is not even a point to discuss with her.
    CaptainForest's Avatar
    CaptainForest Posts: 3,645, Reputation: 393
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    #7

    Nov 13, 2006, 05:54 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by yorgo
    Current wife does not want me to aknowledge my 3rd child with my ex. This was a major problem when I was dating my current wife.
    Then why the heck did you continue to date her and then marry her?

    Your kids are part of you, ALL 3 kids.

    If she cannot accept that, then your marriage is not worth anything and it is time for you to move on.
    aqua@home's Avatar
    aqua@home Posts: 565, Reputation: 107
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    #8

    Nov 13, 2006, 06:36 PM
    WOW!! STOP!!

    You have a responsibility to your children first and foremost. Once you broke up with your ex, there is only your children left. They need to be first in your life until they are moved out of the house. You chose to have those children before you ever chose another wife and now you are committed to them. As a parent you are committed to do what is best for them. Yes you matter, but they matter more.

    I can see that you are married already, so what's done is done. It is very selfish of your wife to act like this. She needs to understand that your children have to come first. She may not like it, but that is your duty as a father. You two could work with each other but under no circumstances are you required to put your children on the back burner.

    This invisible child bull... well tell your wife to get a grip. Crap happens and she's in it!

    Your kids don't need to suffer because of it. They have suffered through a divorce and that is quite enough.

    You said you know what to do, just know that you are not wrong and know that you will have support!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,857, Reputation: 10852
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    #9

    Nov 13, 2006, 07:17 PM
    As mad as I am with your wife for being petty as well as unsupportive, I find myself even madder at you for allowing anyone to tell you how to treat your own kids. Do away with the restrictions and make sure you bond with your 3 year old. My gosh if she can't handle your kids for 3 lousy weeks a year, that my friend is a DEALBREAKER. If she doesn't like it hit the road don't look back. Now step up and be a real father to your children and stop allowing this selfish, stupid behavior. Sorry my kids come first. Tell her to get a therapist or whatever these are your children and she better get over it and you need to be about it.
    Skell's Avatar
    Skell Posts: 1,863, Reputation: 514
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    #10

    Nov 13, 2006, 07:48 PM
    This current wife of yours sounds like a real piece of work.
    And if you are too gutless to stand up to her then I really feel sorry for your kids.

    Are you gutless? Are you willing to let her dictate you like this?

    Or are you a man and are you going to show unconditional love to ALL of your kids?

    I do hope there is a real man in there somewhere!
    Skell's Avatar
    Skell Posts: 1,863, Reputation: 514
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    #11

    Nov 13, 2006, 07:51 PM
    What would she expect if you and her broke up (not completely unreasonable IMO) and she moved onto a new man?

    How would she expect the new man to treat her child? With the same disdain she is showing you and your children?

    What selfish, jealous and horrible women she sounds like.

    Sorry, but going off your posts that is the only conclusions one can draw from this!
    unsure42's Avatar
    unsure42 Posts: 15, Reputation: 2
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    #12

    Nov 13, 2006, 10:45 PM
    I can see your problem. Your new wife should accept all of your children, she married them too. Also its really hard on kids when the "step mom" is overly mean to them, making them fell that you only try to like them because you should and your real feelings come out with the step mom. If she can't accept your children I would consider separation.
    giggles's Avatar
    giggles Posts: 143, Reputation: 27
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    #13

    Nov 13, 2006, 10:56 PM
    Is this woman taking meds for her manic depression? It doesn't sound like it. And that is also NO excuse for her behaviour.

    YOU on the other hand are the father. What are YOU going to do about it?
    How can you shun a 3yr old? What sort of man are you? Why are you even ASKING about this?

    Sort it out! Your marriage is obviously a mess, but don't make a mess of your children into the bargain. I'm sure they have the holiday from hell with a stepmother like that. Who says they even WANT to visit you each year!

    It's not a 'talk' as you put it. It's the way things ARE. They are YOUR children. That should come first. Not some cowardly wish to keep the peace. People like you really should be reported. The damage you could end up doing to your little children is not worth thinking about. Get away from this cruel woman, sort out your backbone and learn how to be a good father (for a meagre three weeks of every year, it shouldn't be that hard.):mad:

    People like this really boil my blood!
    I don't think this is mean, if this man wasn't a father, I really wouldn't care. But he is dad to three kids, and needs a good kick up the bum if you ask me.
    He probably half loves the drama of all this, having a woman make his life hell over some innocent child he doesn't even know.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,320, Reputation: 1612
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    #14

    Nov 13, 2006, 11:13 PM
    Your children, especially the youngest, are innocent. They are your children. Now... I do not think a marriage should be abandoned at all costs. But we are talking about a very short time here. You barely see them at all.

    I think the right thing to do is to be as much of a father as you can to all of them. And personally, that means more than a few months out of a year.

    Wish I had more to say. My son turned three yesterday. I cannot imagine another child like him being "invisible"... you're in a tough spot.

    You probably know what is morally right and decent.
    yorgo's Avatar
    yorgo Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Nov 14, 2006, 04:30 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Skell
    This current wife of yours sounds like a real piece of work.
    And if you are too gutless to stand up to her then i really feel sorry for your kids.

    Are you gutless? Are you willing to let her dictate you like this?

    Or are you a man and are you going to show unconditional love to ALL of your kids?

    I do hope there is a real man in there somewhere!
    There is a real man here. He's been hiding for a long time. I must have been blinded by her charm or something. I think my biggest problem is that I'm not really a very social person and don't have friends that I can confide in. This is the first time I've talked or discussed my situation and feelings about this. Yes, I know it's been a long time. Last year I went through a very bad depression and was lashing out at everyone. I knew what the problem was but felt like I should keep my mouth shut to not create further problems.

    Now realizing how my wife keeps me in line I see that when we fight she puts me down. Calls me old and fat and tries to make me feel like I'm lucky that she allows me to be with her. In her mind, being an attractive women 7 years my junior that any man would love to be with, is enough to keep me from going against her wishes. And this has worked for her. I've always been a difficult person to deal with because nobody can usually change my mind. Well, she's accomplished the impossible and convinced me that I should be so angry at my ex-wife for having a child that we never planned that I should never have a relationship with him.

    Thank you, everyone, for showing support for my problem. I'm not an idiot but when you have nobody to talk to you become unsure of things. I've been looking around for a long time for someone I can talk to about this and finally I found the place. In my heart I know what is right but my head thinks too much of the what if or if nots.

    Thanks again

    Quote Originally Posted by giggles
    Is this woman taking meds for her manic depression? It doesn't sound like it. And that is also NO excuse for her behaviour.

    YOU on the other hand are the father. What are YOU going to do about it?
    How can you shun a 3yr old? What sort of man are you? Why are you even ASKING about this?

    Sort it out! Your marriage is obviously a mess, but don't make a mess of your children into the bargain. I'm sure they have the holiday from hell with a stepmother like that. Who says they even WANT to visit you each year!

    It's not a 'talk' as you put it. It's the way things ARE. They are YOUR children. That should come first. Not some cowardly wish to keep the peace. People like you really should be reported. The damage you could end up doing to your little children is not worth thinking about. Get away from this cruel woman, sort out your backbone and learn how to be a good father (for a meagre three weeks of every year, it shouldn't be that hard.):mad:
    Thanks everyone for your inputs. It's really helping me confirm what my feelings on this are. I don't know what happened to me but I am not doing things the way I would normally do things. I'm letting this crazy women run my life. We will have a 'talk' because it is necessary considering how bad things have gotten. Right now my wife and I are getting along OK compared to the last few months. I always try to be political and try to explain things calmly in hopes that everyone can be happy. It usually blows up in my face though.
    That's why I say 'talk'. I know it's the way things are and nothing will ever change that. Our little talk will be to let her know that I've decided to have all 3 kids for the holiday and for each visit from now on.

    Oh man! The crap will hit the fan. I'm going to have to pack a bag and plan this out because she will kick me out of the house. Yes it sounds totally unreasonable, I know. Sounds real crazy but mark my words. I will be sleeping here in my office soon but that's OK. Deep down I always knew this would happen.

    There is so much more to this story. You guys would think I was absolutely insane for staying with my wife if I told you everything. I like to think that I have never been in love before until this crazy women came into my life. I can't explain the things I've done except that being in love makes you extremely vulnerable and willing to do things for the person you love that you would never consider doing otherwise.

    And no, I don't like the drama at all or half way. I like peace and tranquility and for everyone to get along.

    Thanks again guys
    Sentra's Avatar
    Sentra Posts: 385, Reputation: 55
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    #16

    Nov 14, 2006, 04:54 AM
    Yorgo,

    I am very glad that you came here to open up and get your problem some advice, if not sorted out. She sounds manipulative, and its only hindering you. You've gotten a lot of great responses here from a lot of great people. Come here any time you need to chat or just vent, until then take care!
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,250, Reputation: 5641
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    #17

    Nov 14, 2006, 07:01 AM
    Yorgo, I read the majority of the answers, but I want you to know that I have actually been in your shoes.

    I remarried and my ex husband had custody of my 2 boys (long story, another post) but, my current husband acted almost exactly like your wife does.

    I too felt like you. Easier to avoid confrontation with people like that, I know. BUT, I finally put my foot down, like you have to. My husband was not working at the time, and he told me pretty much the same, that I would have to leave. I was the one who pointed out that ALL of the children (we had a little girl together) were my responsibility because I was the one working and it was MY responsibility to keep a roof over her head and food in her mouth, if he did not like the situation then he would have to leave and I would make sure he was the one to leave.

    It actually did come down to that, the sparks got to flying (he is not bipolar, but has other issues that were not controlled at the time). He was made to leave for a short period. After coming back I said that some intensive counseling would have to be done, on his part, before I would call off divorce proceedings, yes, I was the one who filed when our daughter was in my custody.

    Well, that was 10 years ago, and now he loves my 2 oldest boys to death.

    Sometimes it takes a "slap" in the face for the other partner to wake up and see that our children are part of us and our second spouses were just a choice we made. We can "undo" our choices, but we cannot "undo" our children.
    yorgo's Avatar
    yorgo Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Nov 14, 2006, 07:22 AM
    J_9 thanks for the post -

    It's easy to just tell people what they should do but you don't really understand the situation until you have been in it yourself. It sounds like you lived through this nightmare and understand. I tend to judge other people just as anyone else. I always think if I knew someone that did exactly what I did I would slap them around and tell them to get their act together. "What the hell is wrong with you? Are you nuts?" is what I would say. I think I've treated my kids, my ex, and my family in general very badly about this. Looking back now I realize what an I've become and I just don't like myself anymore but that is going to change.

    Now my problem is setting a goal for when I'm going to talk to her. I really don't want to go through this but I know I must. It's almost like I'm waiting for us to get back into our fighting days to bring this up. I'd hate to screw up the good mood she's been in lately. It shouldn't take long because her moods are usually horrible 3 weeks out of every month. This week is ending soon I'm sure.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,250, Reputation: 5641
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    #19

    Nov 14, 2006, 07:28 AM
    Oh, yes, I know exactly where you are coming from. Your words were mine 10 years ago.

    What I found worked better for me was to make the decision to discuss when he as in a good mood. I know it sounds terrible, but he was more focused and rational when in a good mood. When the mood swings would begin there would be no talking, no rationalization.

    I have to ask, is she on any meds? Mine was not until the threat that the daughter and I would be on our own in our home and he would be cold on the streets. He would start to feel better then stop taking the meds and the swings would return. This took a while, but now he can see what is happening to him (with a few tape recordings of his ranting while in a swing and a playback while in a "good" mood).

    You just have to swallow your stomach, since mine comes into my throat when I have to do a confrontation, put your foot down, and just talk. You be the "loudmouth" now. Tell her that she is not to say anything until you are finished. Then she has to wait at least a half-hour and think before she says anything. If she starts to talk, walk away, get in the car and go for a while if you have to. But you have to make her THINK.

    Worked for me.
    K_3's Avatar
    K_3 Posts: 304, Reputation: 74
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    #20

    Nov 14, 2006, 07:35 AM
    The deciding vote about your wife seems unanimous. You cannot allow anyone to rule your life to the point of your being miserable and not able to see your children. How does she want you to treat her older child? I have a real problem with people who feel the children are to suffer for an adults decision. I would bet she is not going to leave you. When you tell her they are coming, and she starts in, put your hand up and say, I have decided, this is what I am going to do. He is my child. This is not a debatable issue. Tell her you will get her a motel room while the children are there if she cannot handle it. It is your house also and you pay most of the bills. Do not allow her to make you choose. In life there are responsibilities we have to have. We should never have to choose to ignore our children. I cannot imagine even wanting to be with a person who does not want my children. She has to be a bitter selfish uncaring person. I cannot imagine the darkness that surrounds her. Sorry, but this is really an issue that gets my dander up. I had a daughter with my first husband. He remarried and his daughter would visit my daughter from time to time and I ended up raising her. All children should be loved and not condemed for who their parent is.

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