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    MomHope's Avatar
    MomHope Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Feb 11, 2018, 01:47 PM
    Is my husband helping me enough or not to look after our baby?
    Hello, I just want to know is my husband helping me enoughor or not. We both are first time parents and I feel very confused with my life atm. My husband has 16 hours per week job sometimes goes up to 18 but don't work everyday some times only 3 days per week. He has back problems and pain in his hip. He loves our 3 month old baby girl very much, makes her smile and plays with her, feeds, changes diapers time to time. I'm full-time mom, 24/7 plus I do housework and I have MS. The problem is I feel like he isn't helping much, usually after work he will eat and play his game watch TV and post something on fb. He will look after our baby girl if he will see that I left her with him but that won't take long some how she will be again with me. I struggle with sleep deprivation from day when I gave birth ( never over 3 months almost 4 now had 7/8 hours not broken sleep) I feel mentally and physically very weak, do cry a lot and feel lonely, depressed, isolated, have thoughts about my death (sometimes). The problem is bigger, I don't have my family or any friends here who could help me. Some times his mom will help but she is old so I'm not asking often. I feel like as a person I don't even exist just do everything for everyone. Scared to ask my husband for anything much because he will say he had to wake up early go to work so he is tired or his back hurts. Is anyone else there in situation like mine? Would like to know how do you cope?
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #2

    Feb 11, 2018, 03:10 PM
    Sounds like you have postpartum depression. It happens to many women. There is help available, talk to your doctor about that.

    For both of my kids my husband worked, but he had a full time job 40 hours a week. I breastfed so of course I took the night feedings and changing diapers because he couldn't even if he wanted to. He felt a bit uncomfortable when our son was a little baby. He hadn't been around babies a lot, and really didn't know what to do, how change him, or bathe him, so I did all of that. He never really offered to change a diaper, or anything like that, unless I asked him to, then he'd try his best. If I needed a break he was always willing to watch the baby, but he was always nervous about it. Could be that your husband just doesn't know how to care for an infant and is nervous that he'll do something wrong.

    By the time we had our second child my husband was a lot more confident and would change diapers, give baths sometimes (I still did it the majority of the time). I still handled the night feedings because I breastfed. No need to wake him up when there's really nothing he can do to help.

    Exhaustion is part of being a new mom. My advice to you is to sleep when baby sleeps, that includes naps.

    Get hubby more involved. Hand him baby, go take a bath, tell him he has to be the one to watch the baby while you take a break that you need. Ask him to come watch how to change a diaper, and then ask him to do it. If you're bottle feeding, show him how to make a bottle, how to hold it for baby, and how to burp baby. Teach him how to be a dad, he really may not have a clue.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #3

    Feb 11, 2018, 07:36 PM
    Part of the problem is you are still recovering from child birth, and few men realize how long that may take, and how difficult that is, and even harder given your health issues. Your doctor does, so you must let him/her know exactly what you are going through, so he can help you through this. I don't know how old his mom is, but a conversation with her for some TEMPORARY help is as normal as it gets, because most grand parents are ready and eager to spend as much time as they can with new grandkids. At least talk to her, and see what happens. I want to ask how come you don't have girlfriends your age? What did you do before you got pregnant, or married? Sounds like you are a long way from home, but does he have siblings? Can your mom visit for a month or two?

    As for your husband... One can hope he can grow some himself, and step up to learn how to best help more. I'll leave it at that for now. You both will get better at this, and I hope you are not shy about asking him for help when you need it.
    matthewanxiety's Avatar
    matthewanxiety Posts: 12, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Feb 16, 2018, 10:29 PM
    You sound depressed, the better solution you can find by having an conversation with your husband regarding your mental stress and issues you are facing. Every women should face this problem but its your partner responsibility to take care of you and your baby too. Don't feel so stressed talk to your hubby.
    Precious7's Avatar
    Precious7 Posts: 333, Reputation: 61
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    #5

    Feb 17, 2018, 01:02 AM
    I agree with Alty! Sometimes new Dad has no clue of what and how they are suppose to care for those tiny little human beings, it takes some time for them to really connect with newborns on the level a mother is connected with. But also sounds like he is aware that you need help with the baby as he does help you here and there. The best thing would be encourage him to involve in taking care of baby. Ask him to watch baby as you want to may be eat a meal in silent room or just want to take a walk or you both can go out with baby for a small walk which will help build relationship between him and baby. Give it a time, it will happen. Especially when baby begins to react to his or her surroundings and it somewhat starts to look like a two way communication that is very important since he may able to connect more better knowing that he gets those response in the way of stares, blinks, smiles and coos! So, at the end I would say that yes it may be not as much help as you need but there is a reason for that and on that you can help him in this and teach him how to do it.
    For you I would say that Its really a big deal that even though you don't have much desired help but still you are efficiently able to take care of the newborn as you yourself is going through the healing process physically and emotionally. I commend you for that. It's definitely not an easy task as you yourself is a new mother. I want you to know that it will be better, those few first months are little hard because you literally experience so many changes in your life and you have to adapt to it very fast and baby grows quickly every single day so your frustration and the way you feel is very understandable. Most of the moms go through it and rapid postpartum hormonal changes also play some role in how you feel during these days. Hang on mama, Its will get better soon.

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