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treasures4u1 · Oct 4, 2011, 11:24 AM

My daughter and I have had a very good relationship (she is 28). She has a husband, home and 3 kids. We have always been close. But recent things have happened because of her husband that has caused a most terrible rift between my daughter and I. She has done and said some things that are lies about me and terrible hurtful things. It sent me to the ER. I was and am devastated. But, I don't want to lose my daughter. How do I fix this without letting her think she can go on talking like that?

JudyKayTee · Oct 4, 2011, 11:34 AM

I can't imagine what her husband did or said that caused a "terrible rift" between you, particularly when you have always been close, to the extent you required medical treatment.

The only person who can resolve this issue is your daughter and that involves talking to her, getting her side, hoping she'll listen to your side. Perhaps a third party would be willing to act as a peacemaker (sort of), or at least a referee.

The longer this goes on the worse it will get.

How did the lies get back to you? Facebook, word of mouth, something else? I'd also address telling the truth with her.

If this is totally unusual behavior for her I definitely would have another party intervene - perhaps there's a medical (including emotional) issue.

treasures4u1 · Oct 5, 2011, 09:47 AM

Well, he has always been a little out of line but she has always kept him in line. But, I will tell you that her father passed away 2 months ago and now that I think about it, she has been weird ever since. Regardless, she is letting her husband do things verbally and mentally to her and the children. I finally did not keep my mouth shut anymore. What kind of mother would I be if I did? I tried for 6 years to do the tactful conversations, the "please make this stop" to "what can I do to help?" I finally cracked after this last thing he did, actually 2 major things!
But, my other kids have tried talking to her too and that is how I know about the lies. It's like she has selected me to receive all the emotions and angers from her. Not him.
I am suppose to get my grandson in a couple days and I want to talk to her... tactfully and as a mother. But, I am so gun shy, I am afraid I am going to say the wrong thing.
Thank you so very much for your reply.

JudyKayTee · Oct 5, 2011, 10:16 AM

I'm a stepmother - another sometimes dicey situation. I have found (and I have 5 stepchildren) that the "adult to adult" (not stepmother to stepdaughter or, for that matter, with my mother, not "daughter" to "mother") approach works for me. I face things head on and so I have no problem saying, "I was hurt when ..." or "upset when ..." and saying it the way I see it. I don't say, "I was upset when YOU ..." because I don't want to place blame.

On the other hand, grief is a terrible emotion. It's easier to be angry than sad. Maybe she's just lashing out and you are the closest person to her where her father is concerned and so you are the target.

I admit I did it and I have apologized but I lashed out when my husband died. Every year on the anniversary of his death I tend to more "prickly" than usual.

Maybe she just needs understanding (and I know it's difficult). Maybe it's a situation where SHE can criticize her husband but no one else can - and we all know how that goes.

I don't know if you approach this with love that you CAN say the wrong thing. You're her mother; you're trying; it's no one's fault.

treasures4u1 · Oct 5, 2011, 10:34 AM

Thank you, I am also a step mother. I have 2 step children and 3 children... ages 17 through 28... UGH! I think it was easier when they were kids. I used to say that I can't wait until they grow up, but I find that is harder.

Anyway, I think you are right. I tend to think that because I am mom, and I know what they are doing wrong, that I can get through to them.

I want to thank you so much! It has really helped. I will let you know what happens.