Apologies for long post in advance!! ;)

My daughter (43) and son (46) have never had stability in their lives since teens. I had to leave their physician father who impoverished me then took the kids at 9 and 12. I got the 9-year-old back in custody suit. Until the "split" my children were just great. Of course we were hurt by the divorce, but they were great with me. I have absolutely no guilt for how I raised my children to that point in their lives. I was gentle, firm, fair, talked things out, no smacking them, and they really were dear and kind children. You could not have asked for better children. After living with dad and step-mom a while they slowly changed. My daughter returned at 10 and split at 14 without warning, breaking my heart. My son did not connect often but when he did he was fine with me. He was always my "buddy." He has a very high IQ (at least 160) which may be somewhat of a curse at times.

Son is professional artist, but after a short marriage (baby born during divorce) he started to go into short-term places to live. He could not manage money although he made a LOT of it on his art and building McMansions. He was not allowed to see his daughter after she was about four years of age (she's going on eleven). She's my only grandchild. I don't get to see her! And I have done NO harm to anyone. I just sit and wait on her. She's gorgeous!

In 2001 my son needed a quick loan for rent. I had a modest retirement fund. I helped him. Then he needed more. I did it again (for the little girl's sake to stay near him). Then in 2002 he became homeless (not figured out yet). I had breast cancer so I was not as strong in any way so I was not my usual self. He stayed on and on. He wanted to start up with his art plus a business he and I would do together. He borrowed thousands of dollars which is still not paid back not to mention good ROIs! Drugs and booze are his problems among others. I didn't know so I didn't act soon enough, and I had two more nasty surgeries and total bleed-out and more during the 18 months he stayed here. He was evicted by management right as I got home from third surgery. My home had been turned upside down, I had been burgled, and my checking account was down by about $5,000! No proof of who did what, but many bad people got in here against my very forceful instructions before I left for hospital (he couldn't even drive me to hospital morning of surgery so I had to get myself there!! ). I worked hard with him as tolerated. Found him a safe place to live when he almost lost his foot (fragile juvenile diabetic). Then he took off suddenly. I lost track fall of 2005. He got in touch maybe 2007. He was hand-making gorgeous kayaks (and almost totally blind!). His sister (43) got him out and brought him down here June 2008. He began being verbally abusive with me that month. He accuses me of what he does which is quite weird!

My daughter became homeless (altho' she had good SS income for disability) and HAD to come to be "safe" late 2006. I fought against it but felt I had to keep her safe. She HAD to pay someone for a pregnant mare in the Midwest. I took care of it as SSA and agency transferred her funds to me to manage. My daughter has mental illness which is hard on her and those she stays with (always moving around). I repaid myself most of her debt but not all, plus her bills while she was here, but last fall she told SS I was taking her funds twice at least!! (I'm a professional financial counselor!) She owed between $4-5K at that point. None has been paid since. I pay high interest on this as it's on credit cards I let her use with promise she would pay it ALL back, and she must have promised 20 times or more. So now I am totally out of all my retirement funds and neither child has paid me back. I'm in my 70s and have very little income and large needs (medical/dental).

The kids have moved in and out of homes and here since mid-2008 (my daughter has since she was 16 actually). They recently were here almost 3 months. I end up paying for everything. I can't not get food and supplies for myself as they will eat my food if I don't buy theirs! My son did help with food using his state food card, but it was very little. These adult children are north of me a few miles yet again but no word except short notes from my son. I wrote a little email to a friend (a defense attorney) to help my son with a horrific problem (the so-called drug possession). I didn't know that WAY down at the bottom of that note was what I wrote to my friend about my daughter which was not terrible but was honest, AND it had more positive and complimentary things to say about my daughter than bad. She only sees the bad and ignores the good (bad is highlighted and in bold when she shoves the note back to me three times; good is not highlighted).

I cannot have kids here again (except short visits AND if they start to repay the HUGE debts they owe). Not sure how to handle it. I've asked many times. I've given them accounting sheets showing exactly what they owe. One denies; one says he intends to repay. I want to just let go of my daughter (I pulled it off once before when she disappeared for 14 years so I can do it again)--my kids need to be apart... everytime they are together things go south very fast like now as this current mess is due to my daughter's acting out in several homes during 2008. Not sure if I should write one more note (no more apologies as I wrote a great couple of notes and I'll show it to the world any time... she will not forgive this so-called horrible thing I said (NOT)). OR should I just go on being quiet as I have the past 2-3 weeks. She won't answer notes or phone calls so I have quit. I'm just very sad and depressed over this. I've reminded her that we need to get this handled. I'm not so young, and I don't want her to lose me with anger she has toward me as it will cause her grave emotional problems). Having lost my mom not so long ago I KNOW about these things, and I "cleared" up any questions, but I was my parents' caregiver for many years, and I loved them dearly

I'd love to find someone who's lived through something similar and been a great mom (again, anyone will tell you I was excellent, and that's my one claim to fame I believe LOL!! I will speak only the truth--my children are not like me... I gave them all the tools they would need to lead a very good life!). If I had ever been mean, abusive, neglectful, I'd say it and be looking for help to get past that! But I have not done anything as I have written. I'm not perfect, but I did do very well with them because I chose to! I just need to get past my kids or figure out how to work with them AND get them to realize borrowing from an elderly mom who has so little is abuse and theft (due to many promises all broken). I'm also going to have to perhaps figure out how to see my granddaughter! Maybe I can't.

My son has been accused and arrested for supposedly taking a charger from his landlord, but it was someone else. Upon arrest he had his diabetic lancets and needles, but in other pocket he found paraphinalea for drug use. He says it was put there by some addict, and it happened all too often (so he should have checked those pockets), and he had not done anything wrong. I cannot vouch for him because he lied a lot to me years ago about his drug use. Now I'm smarter! He was going to please innocent and have a jury. I just got a note stating his one eye has to be removed to save the one eye that sees maybe 5% (he still can make fantastic art and sell for huge prices, but he let ALL his supplies plus equipment I paid for be taken, and value must be a few hundred thousand dollars--he recently did a fast show and sold it all for thousands! Then he returned to wherever he stays right now, and my guess is he's back in his sleeping bag. He was hospitalized (has been more times than I can count) two weeks ago for probably diabetic complications or allergic reaction to fish or iodine), and my daughter never even told me!! He could have died, and I wouldn't have known nor would their father (who has disowned them anyway... such a jerk and the cause of their problems along with VERY abusive, mean step-mom). I've had to hold lots of mail and wanted forwarding address. He sent it a few days ago, but he also said he was going to have to go to jail in a few days plus he had to have the eye surgery in a few days. No more notes. No phone calls, and this IS very serious stuff!! His life, as he knows it, is over. This is second jail time in a short period of time; one two weeks late 2008 was for shoplifting a map in late 2003 or early 2004 and he was no-show for court due to diabetic complication. This time will be for "possession" and probable use of illegal drug, and he will be classified as a felon which to him is his end. He CAN return to his art (if he so chooses as it's all he loves plus his little girl) when he serves his time and possible probation. I can't get him to answer me, and I want to drive up to talk with him before he goes in for surgery then heads for jail or whatever the heck is going on.

Meantime, my daughter is "paying me back" (so she thinks) for being a terrible mom. She lies to people to the point (and I've read her copies of notes) that she even tells them I am out to do her physical harm, that I broke up her marriage to a wonderful man, and on and on. NONE of this is true, but people believe her (maybe) because she is absolutely a pro and could convince anyone of anything (I've watched it since she was a tiny child).
What can I do, if anything? And I do apologize for this epistle. I really needed to tell it all, and this is 1/10th of 1% of it all! :o

Thank you very much!!

I had difficulty sorting through all this with limited time.

What exactly are you asking about, specific questions - ?

Your kids are in denial to their problems and want you to bail them out for their bad choices. As long as you bail them out they will feel free to make their bad decisions because they know they can always count on mom to bail them out. Most likely they will never pay you back. If they say they will it is only to string you along because it is what you want to hear. You need to break free from both of them, at least as far as financially and making life comfortable for them. As long as you are an enabler they will never learn to make good choices.
I know many girls like your daughter. They want to play the victim to the point they actually believe what they say.
There is nothing you can do to save either one of them and being an enabler is only going to hurt them worse in the long run.
You need to break away from their neediness and dependency on you when things go wrong in their life.

Thanks for answers (just now turned up after several hours)?? Sorry it's a long post. I was hoping for emotional support for ME. I'm through enabling! They cannot stay here anymore. I feel grief, sorry, depression as I did all I could over the years, but I cannot rescue them. I'm the one just needing ONE friend.

Don't fret it. I get the point on what not to do with them. I got it some time back!! I'll look for someone to work for ME with perhaps one one one IF I can afford it. (Think free!)

Appreciate the efforts. Never a long blog again. LOL!

JudyKay said: What exactly are you asking about, specific questions - ?

I see several specific questions. The post was indeed too long. I think I want better answers to give them, but "NO you can't" seems to be one choice. I do ache for them, but I need to watch over me now. I have no one. Rest are gone for most part. I've been family caregiver most of my life, and I'm in my 70s! My turn. Have to overcome some health issues and will. Am photographer. Want to take classes at university where I graduated. Have MANY talents. Will get them going when I get FMS handled plus get over anemia just diagnosed two days ago. WAY too low. No wonder I was far too tired always. I blamed FM. It's both. Duh!!

I guess I'm just very lonely as during long illnesses for several things everyone left. I have to rebuild, and I'm NOT a good mixer. LOL! I'll figure it out! It will help to not be so low in hematocrit!! Wow! And I'm a medical person. I do not believe I goofed on this. Glad my doctor had a light bulb come on. :p It will take a month or two, and I should at least have some good days and hopefully with stress down (hope hope hope) the FMS will go into regression (sometimes it does I read)!!

Thanks again.

Judy, I forgot to add that the two answers did not turn up until a few moments ago. I posted many hours ago thus the confusion. If I come back I'll remember to post question and wait about six hours!! I had no idea they took so long to post. Thought I was losing it!

Lindsay :o

P.S. One question more: how on earth do you find your initial post (question). It took me about 20 minutes or more to find myself again! Sheesh! And I've been on computers since the early 80s!! Ouch! ;o

Your answers were posted at approx 4 am and 6 am. Questions and answers only take moments to post. It takes a little while to get used to how AMHD works.