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    How to cope with mean adult children

    Asked Jan 2, 2010, 07:54 AM 38 Answers
    My son is home on leave from the navy for 9 days, I've been sick for awhile and trying to get better before he came home, but haven't been able to. I wasn't able to walk far in the airport and had difficulty swallowing/choking, but I was able to meet him (4 hr trip and on my birthday) I think the anxiety made things worse. He wanted to eat(my daughter was with us) I couldn't eat. While they ate, my son scolded me for coming. On the way home he sat up front and my daughter kept putting the window down when she smoked and the music was blarring. I couldn't rest and kept getting sicker. She pulled off the road and screamed at me for acting like I was (I had started to cry). I tried not to. Then she got lost and yelled at me to help her (she has a gps). When I told her I thought she'd made a wrong turn my son, who had been sleeping, said he throws out back seat drivers. I apologized for being so sick.

    I wanted things to go smoothly during these 9 days. I had an awful birthday. On New Years we all went out. My daughter drove (they let me sit in the front). My daughter came to a dead end and yelled that my purse was in her road. I moved it and she came to another dead end. I told her it was because of my purse and this time she slapped me. I was shocked and upset. We went inside (a casino). I couldn't keep pace with them (still not feeling well). They left me alone all night. I didn't hear from them again until just before midnight. My son came to find me and I was so happy, but I couldn't keep pace again and told him to go ahead. Medics saw me sitting at the top of the stairwell and I begged them not to do anything because my son was only home for these few days. They took my blood pressure, called my kids and my son came back, not my daughter. My son encouraged me to get rid of them so I did. My daughter was waiting at the front and we rode home together. She was really drunk and kept saying how I had ruined everything. My son said he wished he'd never came home. She kept saying how much she hated me. I'm still in shock.

    Yesterday was New Years Day. I made sauerkraut and pork (family tradition) they (son and daughter left for the day, early afternoon, didn't hear from them again until this morning. They left me to babysit my 7 yr old grandson and picked him up to take him to a ballgame. I said I didn't feel well enough to go. My son is only home for a few more days. I haven't had much time with him and I want nothing to do with my daughter. I'm having trouble dealing with this ordeal any help? It will be 1 year and 10 months before I see my son again.

    Wanted to add, their father deserted them when they were 5 and 9 and I've raised them myself.

    Last edited by talaniman; Mar 6, 2014 at 07:43 AM.
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    adam_89's Avatar
    adam_89 Posts: 1,866, Reputation: 280
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    #2

    Jan 2, 2010, 08:14 AM

    You need to step up and make them respect you. They should respect you enough just for the fact that you raised them on your own. You need to put them in their place and make sure they know you are still their mother. You aren't helping them realize how messed up they are. You are helping them walk all over you. You need to call a little family meeting and discuss with them how you feel and that they need to respect you more or you will have nothing to do with little brats. You keep hurting yourself more than anything.
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    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,722, Reputation: 3460
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    #3

    Jan 2, 2010, 08:16 AM

    I can feel how awful that must be for you, I am so sorry this visit has not gone well.

    You probably would have been further ahead to just stay home, but obviously they were not treating you well by any stretch regardless.

    That she slapped you is so totally over the line and to not show remorse or apologize is unbelieveable to me.

    To add insult to injury you were unable, as much as you wanted to, to keep up with them because you are not well.

    I'm really sorry this happened to you.

    All you can do now is not expect much more from them. They are selfish and disrespectful to say the least.

    When the dust settles after this visit, I would be inclined to send them an email, detailing what you have here, and how it made you feel. Tell him what you expect for the next visit, and set some expectations.

    I would hope they would be mortified by their own behaviour, but if they are the type of people to treat you like this in the first place, likely they won't feel a thing.

    But, by setting some boundaries and expectations, clearly, you will at least have some control next time.

    Good luck to you.
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    sabrewolfe's Avatar
    sabrewolfe Posts: 420, Reputation: 96
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    #4

    Jan 2, 2010, 08:18 AM
    Yeah, I got some advice, kick these little disrespectful, ignorant kids out of your house! They're not adults, but spoiled little children. You are their mother, and deserve to be treated with respect! Throw the bums out and tell them to never return.
    I could never treat my mother that way. Your kids have a lot of growing up to do. Teach them a lesson by kicking them out of your life sweety.
    I hope you get to feeling better soon.
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    classyT's Avatar
    classyT Posts: 1,536, Reputation: 211
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    #5

    Jan 2, 2010, 08:22 AM

    I don't want to sound unkind because when I read this, I felt your pain and hurt. BUT... you have to stop being the victim. NEVER let anyone slap you. Never let anyone mistreat you. You can't make people love you, but you can make sure they don't hurt you... emotionally or physically. You have the power to change only YOU. They both owe you an apology to say the least and frankly I'd kick their hinney's OUT and tell them NOT to come back until they can treat you with the respect you deserve. You are their mother for heaven sakes. It would be a cold day in hell before I did another thing for either of them. This situation didn't happen over night. They have apparently been able to treat you poorly before. AND for the LOVE please don't cry in front of them, that only makes them feel more in control. They are spoiled adult brats. Put your back bone in, get some pride back and NEVER let anyone mistreat you. I'm sorry you won't get to see your son for a long time but under the circumstances... it is for the best.

    Narishkas, if you hear NOTHING else I am saying please hear this... you are in control of YOUR emotions and you are NOT a victim. Life sometimes sucks big time. It would be wonderful if your children treated you with the respect on honor that any child should, but they aren't going to until you respect yourself. If you never have a relationship with them, then that is THEIR choice. Let them know how they will be treating you from now on and if they can't do it... cut them off. It is THEIR loss and one day they will know it.

    Sorry your christmas and new year was crappy but don't let another day go by letting anyone treat you badly. You deserve better... believe it, and ACT like it. I promise the day you change... they will too! :)
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    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 80,526, Reputation: 7612
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    #6

    Jan 2, 2010, 08:25 AM



    Let me see, you tell daughter off, you should have stopped her driving, told her to stop smoking in the car and don't bother being around you if she has to smoke ( not good for your health) you remember who the mother is, and tell them so.

    Tell daughter if she can't respect you, not to bother coming back over.

    Sounds like she was the issue not the son
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    narishkas's Avatar
    narishkas Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Jan 2, 2010, 08:37 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by adam_89 View Post
    You need to step up and make them respect you. They should respect you enough just for the fact that you raised them on your own. You need to put them in their place and make sure they know you are still their mother. You aren't helping them realize how messed up they are. You are helping them walk all over you. You need to call a little family meeting and discuss with them how you feel and that they need to respect you more or you will have nothing to do with little brats. You keep hurting yourself more than anything.
    Thank you for your understanding reply. I have stayed away from my daughter, she lives next door. I did tried to talk to my son about the principles he was brought up with and how he needs to stand up to them... he simply made the comment he's only home for 6 more days. I'm going to the doctor again Monday... trying to feel better so I have the energy to talk to them.
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    narishkas's Avatar
    narishkas Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Jan 2, 2010, 08:44 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jake2008 View Post
    I can feel how awful that must be for you, I am so sorry this visit has not gone well.

    You probably would have been further ahead to just stay home, but obviously they were not treating you well by any stretch regardless.

    That she slapped you is so totally over the line and to not show remorse or apologize is unbelieveable to me.

    To add insult to injury you were unable, as much as you wanted to, to keep up with them because you are not well.

    I'm really sorry this happened to you.

    All you can do now is not expect much more from them. They are selfish and disrespectful to say the least.

    When the dust settles after this visit, I would be inclined to send them an email, detailing what you have here, and how it made you feel. Tell him what you expect for the next visit, and set some expectations.

    I would hope they would be mortified by their own behaviour, but if they are the type of people to treat you like this in the first place, likely they won't feel a thing.

    But, by setting some boundaries and expectations, clearly, you will at least have some control next time.

    Good luck to you.
    I really appreciate your kindness and understanding. I'm not expecting much from them... I 'm just so disappointed... we've always been close, but my daughter always wants to fight... I hate fighting... she is way over the top... I had talked to her about making this a nice time before my son came home... she probably chose to do this purposely... so she could have her brother all to herself...

    I don't think they do feel any remorse... I think they believe I'm faking being sick... ( I wish ) I'm just laying low and trying to deal with how sad this all makes me... and I've made a list of goals for myself and my future... without them

    The first is getting well
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    narishkas's Avatar
    narishkas Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Jan 2, 2010, 08:47 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by sabrewolfe View Post
    Yeah, I got some advice, kick these little disrespectful, ignorant kids out of your house! They're not adults, but spoiled little children. You are their mother, and deserve to be treated with respect! Throw the bums out and tell them to never return.
    I could never treat my mother that way. Your kids have alot of growing up to do. Teach them a lesson by kicking them out of your life sweety.
    I hope you get to feeling better soon.

    I wish I could do what you're asking... my daughter doesn't live here... she lives next door... she's renting a trailor I own... my son is staying here (my house) some nights and some during the day... he treats me fine when his sister is not around...

    I would kick her out, but she has a son... and that would mean I have to kick out my grandson... I can't do that... but my plan is to put the house and trailor on the market... I need some distance!!

    Thanks for caring... I'm going to the doctor Monday... I know I could cope better it I felt better physically.
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    narishkas's Avatar
    narishkas Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Jan 2, 2010, 08:52 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by classyT View Post
    I don't want to sound unkind because when I read this, i felt your pain and hurt. BUT...you have to stop being the victim. NEVER let anyone slap you. Never let anyone mistreat you. You can't make people love you, but you can make sure they don't hurt you... emotionally or physically. You have the power to change only YOU. They both owe you an apology to say the least and frankly I'd kick their hinney's OUT and tell them NOT to come back until they can treat you with the respect you deserve. You are their mother for heaven sakes. It would be a cold day in hell before I did another thing for either of them. This situation didn't happen over night. They have apparently been able to treat you poorly before. AND for the LOVE please don't cry in front of them, that only makes them feel more in control. They are spoiled adult brats. Put your back bone in, get some pride back and NEVER let anyone mistreat you. I'm sorry you won't get to see your son for a long time but under the circumstances...it is for the best.

    Narishkas, if you hear NOTHING else I am saying please hear this.....you are in control of YOUR emotions and you are NOT a victim. Life sometimes sucks big time. It would be wonderful if your children treated you with the respect on honor that any child should, but they aren't going to until you respect yourself. If you never have a relationship with them, then that is THEIR choice. Let them know how they will be treating you from now on and if they can't do it...cut them off. It is THEIR loss and one day they will know it.

    sorry your christmas and new year was crappy but don't let another day go by letting anyone treat you badly. You deserve better...believe it, and ACT like it. I promise the day you change......they will too! :)
    Thanks for your advice. I know exactly what you are saying... I was abused as a child... as a wife... and now by my children... I'm going to need some help with this and I promise you I will get it... I have cut off with my daughter... my son will be gone in 6 days... this will all be behind me and I've got a lot of work to do!!
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    narishkas's Avatar
    narishkas Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Jan 2, 2010, 08:56 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck View Post
    let me see, you tell daughter off, you should have stoped her driving, told her to stop smoking in the car and don't bother being around you if she has to smoke ( not good for your health) you remember who the mother is, and tell them so.

    my daughter really is the problem....i refuse to ride in the car with her again....and have pretty much cut her off and would altogether were it not for my grandson (7) who i love dearly and has been so through so much with her. thanks for your great advice

    ell daughter if she can't respect you, not to bother comming back over.

    sounds like she was the issue not the son
    My daughter really is the problem... I refuse to ride in the car with her again... and have pretty much cut her off and would altogether were it not for my grandson (7) who I love dearly and has been so through so much with her.
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    adam_89's Avatar
    adam_89 Posts: 1,866, Reputation: 280
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    #12

    Jan 2, 2010, 09:14 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by narishkas View Post
    Thank you for your understanding reply. I have stayed away from my daughter, she lives next door. I did tried to talk to my son about the principles he was brought up with and how he needs to stand up to them...he simply made the comment he's only home for 6 more days. I'm going to the doctor again monday...trying to feel better so i have the energy to talk to them.
    I hope you get feeling much better real soon. Hopefully what you told your son sinks into his head while he is gone. Just make sure you make a loud and clear point that you will not stand for this kind of behavior.
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    adam_89's Avatar
    adam_89 Posts: 1,866, Reputation: 280
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    #13

    Jan 2, 2010, 09:17 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by narishkas View Post
    my daughter really is the problem....i refuse to ride in the car with her again....and have pretty much cut her off and would altogether were it not for my grandson (7) who i love dearly and has been so through so much with her.
    I understand that you want to be a part of your grandsons part and you have every right to be a part of his life. Maybe she isn't meant to be taking care of him if he has to go through so much with her. You don't want her son growing up to hate you do you? Maybe you should fight for custody of him so he won't grow up to be a bad person like your daughter.
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    classyT's Avatar
    classyT Posts: 1,536, Reputation: 211
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    #14

    Jan 2, 2010, 09:57 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by narishkas View Post
    thanks for your advice. i know exactly what you are saying...i was abused as a child....as a wife...and now by my children...i'm going to need some help with this and i promise you i will get it....i have cut off with my daughter....my son will be gone in 6 days.....this will all be behind me and i've got a lot of work to do!!!
    Narishkas,

    From one woman who has lived in abuse to another... you go girl! It is hard to stand up for yourself and feel like you deserve to be respected when you have been put down day after day. But it isn't about how we feel, it is about FACT. You do deserve it. Get the help and support you need. Also find friends or family memebers who stand behind you to cheer you on... not critical or degrading ones. ANYONE can find fault with people because we are human. It takes a GREAT person with character to lift someone up. May you find those people to be around you. :) and start little by little... one day at a time. Take care.
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    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,722, Reputation: 3460
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    #15

    Jan 2, 2010, 11:38 AM
    I think your resolve right now is only as strong as your health; you need to take care of that first. I'm glad you are going to the Doctor.

    That was one of the things that hit me reading your post; they know you are not well, yet behaved like morons. It is still sad to think of you trying to keep up to them, and they wouldn't slow down. That is just cruel.

    I'm sure you will feel better soon. And I hope you will post again and let us all know how you are doing.

    Take care.
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    narishkas's Avatar
    narishkas Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Jan 2, 2010, 04:56 PM

    To jake, adam, classy and sabre... you all helped me make it through the day... I got to spend a little bit of time with my son today... I do think he realized how sick I am.. I think I may have walking pneumonia... I'm trying to hold out till Monday to go to the doctor... but the emotions are really tough to deal with... you've helped tremendously... all is status quo.. staying away from my daughter... just trying to rest and breathing through a vicks vaporizer plug-in... god bless you all for being here... I'll keep you posted... narishkas
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    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,722, Reputation: 3460
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    #17

    Jan 2, 2010, 05:05 PM

    narishkas, I'm so happy you spent some time with your son. My son is in S. Korea right now, and I know what it's like to go without seeing one of your kids for a year. You seeing yours makes ME feel better! Lol

    Best of luck to you at the Doctor's office, you'll be feeling so much better very soon.

    Take care.
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    bdeatrue's Avatar
    bdeatrue Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Apr 25, 2010, 12:11 PM
    This may seem unkind, but what is the nature of your illness. It is very vague and sounds very familiar. Is your illness the cause for your children's disrespect? Has it made them follow the same path? Where your parents similarly "afflictled". Are you causing a vicous cycle of co-dependence? Where you neglected as a child and seek attention through illness when you feel you deserve attention. Do you then feel hurt when the attention getting behaviour backfires because it is "old" and they audience has learned the tricks and is using the same tricks now?

    From your post I hear a lot of "I am sick, and they don't care". And from them "she is doing it again, this is getting old and we will just ignore her.

    Do you have a substance abuse problem? I fell to this after taking my children out of an abusive marriage. I was self medicating. Took my over a decade to start recovery, and by this time my kids were adults. I am now a recovering alcoholic and my children are learning to respect me, and I am learning how to appropriately let my needs and wishes be know. No more histrionics, or illnesses.

    I wish you well.

    From: recovering alcoholic that is slowly gaining back the respect of her adult children.
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    Zetta's Avatar
    Zetta Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Aug 20, 2010, 05:47 PM
    I have been exactly where you have with a son so I know the pain, disapointment, and grief. I spent his growing years consentrating on developing in him what is most important in this life and that is character. I was sure he would be a kind, respectful and all around good person and he appears to be to everyone but me. I've racked my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong. I've talked with everyone that knows us. And I haven't been able to come up with anything. It's clear I spoiled him rotten and he used emotional blackmail tricks but nothing so clear cut to explain until one day a friend told me what I should have realized already. She said, "Your son is not just a product of you but also a product of his father". Although his father was not around and he disliked his father I finally had to admit they are so alike! Everyone thought his father would give you the shirt off his back but it was all show. Actually he was verbally abusive and selfish to the extreme. He also treated his mother horribly. Once I stopped blaming myself and stopped taking the insults and making excuses for him I did what I had to do and that was to walk away. It still hurts but not as bad and time will help more. You are doing no one any good and are setting a poor example for the daughter's son by taking abuse. I too have been ill so I realize with limited strength you can't go on the attack so just cut them off... cold. If they come back and behave, fine. But make your position clear. If not know that at least you have peace and have done the right thing for them and yourself. Remember you are a person too and everyone deserves respect. Finally, I will say to you that once you are grown one is responsible for their own actions and just as sometimes people rise above their raising they also can turn their back on it. May God be with you.
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    Mojo1348's Avatar
    Mojo1348 Posts: 11, Reputation: 0
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    #20

    Sep 6, 2010, 03:43 AM
    I think how your adult kids acted twoards you is very wrong, but some where along the line I think you resented them both while they grew up fatherless & you husbandless. I read between the lines. You went to the airport, 4 hours to get there & on your birthday (so what?) That sounds pretty selfish right there on your part. I would travel 10,000 miles to see my son & who cares about it being my birthday at the time? Why did you feel this was putting you out? Then you state how you son is only home for a few days & you'll not see him again for a long while. Maybe this time he won't bother coming back on your birthday & put you out so much with the 4 hr drive either. I hear you do not feel well, but like they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. They've learned this behavior somewhere? Oh, and poor you for having to babysit your 7 yr old grandson. Obviously not something you enjoy the way I took it. Lets face it, you were not Mother material & these adults kids of yours are the results of how miserable they must have been growing up hearing you whine about how they ruined your life. What goes around, comes around. You all need counseling big time. Get over your pity party & grow up yourself.
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