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    bluepersonality's Avatar
    bluepersonality Posts: 39, Reputation: 3
    Junior Member

    Jun 30, 2016, 04:57 PM
    How to communicate w/ex wife about son
    Hello, I am asking this question for my boyfriend & I.
    There are many things about how the ex wife raises his & her son that bugs us, from things we could nit pick to things that make us down right uncomfortable. The most recent thing that has pushed us over the edge is her letting him (14years) watch Deadpool. He also watched the Reverant, which is okish minus the one sex scene, but she doesn't screen things. Years ago when we talked to her about a specific movie we didn't feel she should have let him watch, she told us that because they weren't sitting side by side at the theater, she wasn't able to put her hand over his eyes. Like that was a perfectly reasonable excuse.
    We have had him back (every other week as per court order from 10 years ago) for a year now, from her having taken him away from us for 3 years simply because she decided she didn't like me or us. No legitimate reason.
    Before that happened, one thing she did that bothered us was let him (age 11) and his younger step siblings (one of which is partially not all there) go about a city block's distance from there house, down a hill to play in the creek, unsupervised.
    We've talked to her maybe four or five times, and she always has the same sort of answer- either she'll kind of agree, just to get us off her back, or she'll tell us something like 'you raise him your way at your house, & I'll do it my way at my house'
    We feel it is important for both houses to be somewhat consistent and she makes it impossible. I honestly would not be surprised if she would allow him to watch pornos in a year or less.
    What, if anything, can we do to communicate in a way where we're actually communicating?
    teacherjenn4's Avatar
    teacherjenn4 Posts: 3,998, Reputation: 468
    Education Expert

    Jun 30, 2016, 05:34 PM
    If I were her, I'd be upset if my ex-husband's girlfriend was communicating with me about how I was raising my child. This is his responsibility, not yours. From your question, I can see that she is able to take away custody from him. So, if he wants to continue having custody of his son for the next four years, I'd stay out of it unless she is doing something illegal, harmful, or abusive. Documenting poor parenting is a reason for a father to communicate with his lawyer. If necessary, please call child services. Abuse, neglect, etc. should be reported by anyone who suspects it.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7691

    Jun 30, 2016, 06:49 PM
    You don't, at 14, he would be the only child not to watch DeadPool, this is society today, Is there a large difference in your religious viewpoints that lead to this ?

    But unless there is something much worst than you listed, you keep your mouth shut or you merely ruin any chance at a healthy relationship.

    It all sounds like nit picking personally.
    ma0641's Avatar
    ma0641 Posts: 15,681, Reputation: 1012
    Uber Member

    Jun 30, 2016, 07:06 PM
    Bugs "us" or bugs "you"? You have no stand here as a " girlfriend". Sorry, dad should be the one.
    bluepersonality's Avatar
    bluepersonality Posts: 39, Reputation: 3
    Junior Member

    Jun 30, 2016, 08:40 PM
    I'm not going to be the one to talk to her, if anyone does. He will. I'm simply sharing with you what has come from conversations between he & I, so that I can come back w/suggestions (from you) that we may never think of otherwise. Sometimes it's easier to see things when your not too close to the situation...
    She, by law, hasn't any right to take the child away, she does it when she feels like it anyway though. Last time she did it, he went through 2 lawyers & more than $1600, and was getting nowhere, when she just decided to go back to the way things are supposed to be. When they got divorced years ago, she was given 1% more custody than him, and they were made to agree upon every other week.
    All I was asking for is what, if any, way you might approach a situation like this. I know that it's not my place to talk to her about this stuff, and I DO keep my mouth shut, no matter how much I'd like to tell her what I think, because I KNOW there is no need to start trauma for the child. Of course, you know, whenever we do something that upsets her, she'll flip out on us in an instant. If we are half an hour late getting him home, we get some pretty nasty text messages. But when it's time for him to come home, it's OK for her to be hours late.
    Never mind, I don't feel we'll get any enlightening suggestions here.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,126, Reputation: 10852

    Jun 30, 2016, 09:28 PM
    I can only suggest you support your boyfriend, let him vent, and stay out of this because its obvious their relationship is very contentious. Be a good listener, but suggest nothing.

    LOL, I doubt she will listen to either of you anyway, and the I bet this TV/movie watching is the tip of the iceberg with this parenting conflict it sounds like.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674

    Jul 1, 2016, 05:00 AM
    You seem to have a pretty low opinion of the mother of the children. Why do you assume she would let the boy watch pornos at any time ? How she raises her children is really none of your business and until you have some of your own, don't even go there, IMO. You don't know what is in her thoughts.

    I am with the others, let the father deal with this; but then he is not there so what does he know ?

    We could not give you advice on how to communicate, it is a personal issue, how would we know?
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
    Uber Member

    Jul 1, 2016, 06:42 AM
    Heck when I was growing up... (including when I was 11) I would say, mom heading into the woods, and these woods were several square miles in size between surrounding roads, all I'd have to worry about was being back in time for dinner... I wasn't supervised, and I'd frequently have my younger brother with me, but not always.

    And at 14, he may be nave, but he's likely not completely oblivious to things.

    I'm with the mom and Dad on this... its their problem to deal with, and they never will completely agree with everything. Even people who are still married don't, those who are divorced, usually less so. As aggravating as it might isn't subservient to the will of the other. So there WILL be disagreements.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
    Uber Member

    Jul 1, 2016, 03:39 PM
    Often times that will just be the way it is with shared custody. Parents won't always agree or have the same set of rules and expectations. Kids learn easily what the difference is, so try not to worry about having to have the same set up at each location. He likely will view shows, for example, at a friend's home that neither parent would particularly care for him watch.

    As others have said, it really needs to be something that the mother and father sit down and discuss, if possible, to try and get somewhat on the same page, at least for the important and more serious issues. He can address it as now that their child is getting more into the teen years, and will naturally be exposed to more situations with his peers and away from both households, it might be a good time to talk about expectations for this next stage. Don't expect for there to be full agreement on every issue. As was said, parents in the same household often have to reach some sort of compromise because they won't always agree.

    You and the father set the ground rules at your home, acknowledge that they will sometimes be different from what he has at his mother's. He is certainly old enough to understand that there will be differences.

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