Hello all,

I looking for some pointers from other parents who have children that lack confidence. My daughter is going on 9 years old and still hides from people rather than talk to them or acts like she doesn't see them. On the occasions I have caught her doing it, I've asked her and she responds "I don't know what to say!" I've explained she doesn't even have to say anything. A smile and a wave is enough.

Her dance teacher tells me part of her inability to advance has to do with her lack of confidence on stage more so than her technique. She broke down in tears when she found out the her class had to sing in front of the school assembly.

The odd thing is she does not lack in self esteem. She knows she is smart (and will tell me so - not in a snotty way) and believes she is cute, but she has a deep rooted aversion to having people look at her.

We've been seeing a counselor about 2 times a month. She cries very easily when upset and has developed a nervous habit of twirling her hair that we are trying to get under control. The counselor is also working with this confidence issue but I thought I would see if any other parents had faced this challenge and what did you do to combat it?

Many Thanks!

What she doesn't feel is power, control. I'll think on this more for ideas.

A few years ago I used to be a school volunteer, helping children with their reading on an individual basis and generally chatting with them.

There was a boy of 10 who had gone through the whole of school refusing to ever read, sing or perfrom in any way in front of the school assembly. His teachers had mentioned his lack of confidence and his downright refusal to read in assembly several times.

One day the boy mentioned it to me and we got chatting. I told him how much I hated standing up and speaking in public and how nervous it made me feel. (true by the way) I also told him that lots of people, adults as well as children actually feel the same way. I told him of some of the adults in school who I knew disliked doing it and told him some pointers to look out for so that he could tell it was true. I also explained how it is possilbe to act confident even when you are scared and how hard it is for people to tell unless they know what to look for and look really hard, which they hardly ever do. I also asked him to think about how closely he actually paid attention to the people who stood up in front of the school, and whether it was anywhere near as much as he thought people would be looking at him if he were up there.

Two weeks later he stood up and read something out for the first time in assembly.

The next time I saw him in explained that he had always thought everyone else found it easy and it was only him that was scared.

Maybe explaining something similar would help.

I believe wondergirl has hit the nail on the head.

The feeling of no control in a situation can make even the most stable adult nervous.

Basic breathing exercises can really help in a stressful situation,teach her a circular breathing motion,in through her nose for the count of 5,hold for 5 seconds and slowly breathing out through her mouth for 5.

Has she any interest in drama?

Taking on a role in a drama group will help promote her confidence.

Keeping a personal journal (I understand she's only 9) but it's a great way of releasing those hard to verbally express feelings.

Thanks for the input.

I put her in a performing arts daycamp last summer thinking it might help, but didn't see any real difference. This year I have found a taekwondo camp and will see if that helps.

Last night we were attending a school/family night and the children were asked if anything important to them happened within the last week. I nudged her out and finally had to speak for her that she got 3rd place in Hornpipe at her last ID feis. The group sang the "good job" song and everyone congratulated her. When it was over she was nearly in tears because she felt so uncomfortable being the center of attention.

When we are in a smaller group, like my sister's pool, it's nothing but look at me - look at me - look at me. She preens when I tell her she looks pretty and she likes attention. Groups just seem to overwhelm her.

She gets this tendency from me. I was shy growing up and wish I had someone help me get through it. I dance (compete) once or twice a year to show her that I don't expect her to do something that I am afraid to do and to push myself out of my comfort zone.

I just wish I knew when to push and when to hold back.

Looking at this from a different perspective here.

Perhaps she is just the type of person who doesn't like to be the centre of attention. Maybe she is uncomfortable to say hello and smile at strangers. Most of her lack of confidence as you say happens when she is expected to peform, or behave with others, when she is clearly uncomfortable with it.

Knowing that she does not like to be the centre of attention, why did you 'out' her with her achievement, and have others sing a song of praise to her. She was nearly in tears about being the centre of attention as you said.

She just may grow into an adult with the same sort of traits- doesn't like to be the centre of attention, and being in a group intimidates her, being on stage with her peers upsets her, and she is unsure how to respond to questions she would rather not be asked.

Maybe you are doing more harm than good with your expectations of her. While she may be technically excellent with dance, if she lacks the desire and does not like performing in front of people, could it be time to ask her if she wants to stop dance?

Part of the process with young children is to expose them to as much as possible to develop interests and develop their talents that they enjoy, and have fun with. If she is uncomfortable in what you have provided for her, could she be reluctant to just say, mom I don't want to go back to dance. How do your expectations in other words, meet with her needs, and is she doing things because you expect them of her, and she does not want to disappoint you?

I know more adults than not, that would rather jump off a cliff than be the centre of attention, that is not a fault, it's just the way people are. They don't lack confidence in all areas of their lives, but some things simply don't sit well, and cause anxiety and fear.

Of course this is all just an opinion, and I mean no disrespect. Just offering some other possible sides to the story.

When you talk to her and offer her an opportunity to have some input into what activities she would like to do, what does she say.

I have asked her if she wants to stop dance. She insists she does not. Every time she grows out of a pair of hardshoes or dress I tell her "now's your chance to stop."

What is really odd is that she loves to compete, but not perform. To me, competing is harder because a judge is looking at you and trying to find a flaw. With performances, most people can't even tell if you make a mistake.

I don't expect or want to force my child into something she isn't, but I do want to help her be comfortable in her own skin and not hide behind something or someone in a group situation.

I really appreciate all the insight you are sharing.

That's one thing that maybe I can relate to. I used to do karate. I loved the training. The gradings (where you go in front of a panel of blackbelt judges to gain new belts) I found a bit scary but not enough to put me off. I was scared of making mistakes but I knew exactly what was expected of me and the incentive of wanting to progress, for my own satisfaction, was enough to get me past worrying too much about what the judges were thinking. However, when invited to perform in public displays - no way. This would have just felt like 'showing off' for no good reason. Also, even though the judges at grading were looking very closely for mistakes it was still less daunting because firstly I trusted their judgement and even if they marked me badly I knew there would be a good reason for it, and secondly perfoming in front of large numbers would just feel so much worse than in front of a few.

You have answered honestly about my questions to do with what motivates her, and I am pleased that you don't push her, and give her opportunity to voice her opinion or quit if she wants to.

I appreciate that. I know that when one of my kids behaviour confused me, I wanted straight up answers too.

Maybe you have covered all your bases, and she will find her own comfort level and confidence in an activity that she has not yet tried.

The only other thing I thought of was balance. If she's socially happy (in your sisters pool with other kids) and can be silly and have a good time with peers, then that balance will carry her a long way.

I'll ponder on this too and see what other mom's have to say as well.

All the best, you're a good mom, this will all work out.