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CharD03 · Nov 6, 2007, 02:14 PM

I have just had a baby (my first) and my stepson (5) has jealousy issues, which is common and understood. But I am getting tired and don't know how to make him stop with the "you hate me" or "you don't love me" or my favorite "you love the baby more than me". I do my absolute best of giving him plenty of love, affection and attention but I can't hold the kid like he was the baby (which I know he doesn't want anyway). He does this with pretty much all adults in his life. I think he may be dealing wth some underlying animosity which is an over all bigger issue. But in the meantime how can I get him to stop saying this? If someone was playing with him this way and that's where he got it from, it's a terrible game to play. How can I correct this or at least show this child the error of his ways?

N0help4u · Nov 6, 2007, 05:04 PM

Explain to him that babies need more attention because they can not take care of themselves at all. Tell him he is a big boy and you know you can count on him to do certain things a baby can not. Tell him if he wants your attention to let you know specifically what he wants and you will do what you can when you can. Offer him a hug and tell him he can ask for a hug too.
Talk to his dad about if he can set some time each day aside to watch the baby so you can spend it with his son, even if it is only a few minutes.
He most likely does have some animosity and resentments so the best thing to do is reassure him.

Illusion · Nov 10, 2007, 11:43 PM

Some suggestions:
When your stepson is talking to you and says "you don't love me" - who is he saying this to? Could it be that he feels unloved by his own Mother? Now that you have a baby, he may be projecting some of his own feelings for his Mother on to you since he sees you taking care of the baby. I would say something like, "Did I ever say I don't love you? No, I would never say that. I love you and the baby. Do you love me?" And let him share with you since he seems to need a lot of reassurance. Because you are his mother-figure (if his own mother is not involved) he may just be asking for your love and assurance, a confirmation that he is and will continue to be a loved member of your family. The "you love the baby more than me" - I would say something like, "I love you both. You are both special to me. I am here to take care of both of you."

This little boy does not sound like he has received assurance that he is loved and accepted. Somewhere he has suffered a loss. You can do much to help him be at ease just by reassuring him that you will love and take care of him like his baby brother. You are a family and it is important that he know this. This is an important time for you both - since you have the opportunity to bond with him as your stepchild and help him to feel better about himself. Take care.

JoeCanada76 · Nov 10, 2007, 11:47 PM

Suggestion get your stepson involved in the care of the new baby. Meaning let him help you out with certain things. Do not leave him alone with the baby but help him feel like he is helping you, spending time with you while taking care of the baby. It is possible. No guilt tripping, you need to understand that this is a five year old boy.