Estrangement from adult son
Asked Jun 15, 2010, 10:46 AM
My heart aches for these other mothers who have been estranged from their adult sons. My older son left home at 18 to live with his girlfriends family because they were more fun. They let him smoke, drink, sleep with his girlfriend, jump from job to job while they supported him. They thought he was great. Meanwhile, he left behind a father with cancer and his younger brother. He could have cared less. We didn't hear from him for nearly 4 years. Then he started running around with various women, one married with 4 children, she got pregnant, had an abortion, I wouldn't condone it or allow her in my house, so my son disowned me (again). He's almost 28, has had at least 25 jobs and thinks he can walk on water. He met a girl online, got her pregnant then after knowing her only 2 months, he married her. I expressed my concern about that and they then "uninvited" me to the wedding. He never spoke to me again until my grandson was 3 months old. He called and asked me to come see him but when I couldn't come the very next day, he got angry, told me I'd never see either him or my grandson, and to stay out of his life. I did. But it's was hard. When his grandfather died, I saw him at the funeral home. I tried to make amends but he would have no part of it. His wife hates me and has told me so numerous times both in person and by email. I think she's brainwashed my son. She is a pathlogical liar who sleeps all day and gets waited on like a queen by her doting parents. They even moved in with them. She told me son I slapped her at the funeral home. My son was standing right there but still believed his wife. He called me that night to tell me he hated me and to stay out of his life. So, now my grandson is 3 years old and I don't even know him. Another grandson is due in Sept. Another one I'll never know and who'll never know me. My son has disowned his entire family... everyone! No reason, just wants everyone to leave him alone. Says he's happy with his "new" family, her family. He can lie, steal, mooch, do whatever he wants and they let him get away with it. They hate me too, saying I was a terrible mother. I'm sure my son has really filled their heads with lies. I love my son very much. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him nor a night when I don't cry myself to sleep because I miss him so much. Yet, he doesn't care. He says I'm no different from a stranger walking down the street. I miss the way he used to be and wonder how he could change so much so fast. He was so loving, so caring, and so much fun. Everyone loved him. He was always smiling. He was my life. People have told me to let go. To let him go. But I can't. He's my child. My heart is empty and I miss him so much that sometimes I just want to die. My younger son is turning out just like him. He's married, no children, but has no time for me anymore. He just ignores me. I'm an inconvenience. How quickly they forget the sacrafices we parents make for our children. My exhusband and I went without many birthdays & Christmases to make it better for the boys. I remember when they were born thinking that I never thought it was possible to love another human being so much. I would have died for them. I still would. Yet neither of them cares. They're so cold, distant and indifferent to me and their father. What is it with that generation? My parents are almost 80 and my whole life I have respected them, kept in touch with them on an almost daily basis, and cared and loved them. Yet I get none of that from either of my sons. I think the worst part is knowing that they just don't care. In the back of their minds I think they know I'll always be there but in the meantime, they simply don't have time and don't care. I'm not even an after-thought. They don't think of me at all. I've been divorced for 9 years, they know I live alone, yet they still don't visit, don't call nor do they answer my calls. To me, that's just selfish. Isn't one of the commandmants to honor your mother & father? You don't have to like them, but you're supposed to honor them. What happened to my two wonderful little Catholic boys? What happened to how they used to be? They used to care. I told them I loved them everyday of their lives. I never heard that once from my parents so I made sure my sons heard it all the time. But it got me nowhere. I can't begin to describe the loneliness of just being 53 years old and alone, dating is a nightmare, but to have lost my sons and not know my own grandsons is killing me. Many times I think about dying. How much easier it would be for me. I wouldn't feel the pain and the hurt anymore. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Not even them. I'm at my wits end. I don't know what to do anymore. Our kids are our greatest accomplishment in life... but they're also our greatest heartache. The pain and loss I feel is unending and is eating me alive. I know I need counseling. It's expensive though. How does a mom live with the knowledge that her children not only don't need her anymore, but they don't want her either? That's the biggest heartbreak of all.