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    mikaleous's Avatar
    mikaleous Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 6, 2010, 05:12 AM
    I don't want to father some other man's kid but I don't want to leave my girlfriend
    Me and my girl have been dating for five weeks, and yesterday she found out that she is pregnant, I am 18 the father is 17 and she is 16, she can't have the kid, I can't be a father this soon I want to be one but just not now, she can't throw away her future, and the father no matter how bad this is can't ruin his future, and I don't want to lose her I can't I finally have a girl I connect to 100% I have never gotten along with some one like I do her, she is everything I'm not, she is caring, loving, funny, smart, everything I am not, I don't want to see her lose her future, I don't want to lose her, and I know I will stand by her side no matter what happens as long as she stands by mine, some one tell me I am wrong, tell me I am right some one tell me something I don't know what to do ever since I found out I can't sleep I feel sick and I smoke all the time, I went through an entire pack in less than a day, it normally takes me half a week I NEED HELP.
    mikaleous's Avatar
    mikaleous Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #2

    Apr 6, 2010, 05:14 AM

    And she did not cheat by the way
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,994, Reputation: 10852
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    #3

    Apr 6, 2010, 07:38 AM

    Wow, this girl moves fast, and so do you. If she has the child, you have no choice but to accept the child as you accept her. But being connected after 5 weeks of dating, that's a stretch, so given her age and your attitude, you better step back, and rethink this whole thing, because you may have jumped to fast into something you are not prepared for.

    Connection or not, she still has unfinished business with her ex, and if she has his child, THEY are connected for a long time to come.

    You better let her handle her business, as you may be just a rebound for a failed relationship. All this happening after only 5 weeks. That's to close, and to fast for comfort, and it seems your getting to carried away without know the facts of the situation. Have you had sex with her already?
    mikaleous's Avatar
    mikaleous Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Apr 6, 2010, 08:28 AM

    Yes we have had sex, I've known her for 3 years I have never been closer to any one else, and I'm afraid that if I lose her I will lose her forever, I know her ex he is a great guy but the environment he lives in, one example his 10 year old cousin knows how to roll a blunt. I don't want her in that type of environment, and the kid may not be mine but I want what's best for the both of them, and her ex is bipolar, she is afraid of him half the time. I don't want that for her but I feel its out of my control, I plan on joining the US Army which means I can give them the best life, I can give them both something her ex can't but its not up to me its up to her, I just don't know what to do, when I found out I broke down. I'm afraid, I'm worried.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #5

    Apr 6, 2010, 08:32 AM

    You're right. You can't do anything right now.

    You CAN be supportive, though.

    You CAN help her determine what ALL of her options are.

    You CAN get her in touch with a counselor that will help her make a decision for her own future and her child's future.

    One thing is for sure: If she decides to parent, you get the choice of deciding to step up and help with that or the choice of leaving. You don't get to have her and not the kid unless she chooses adoption.
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    talaniman Posts: 53,994, Reputation: 10852
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    #6

    Apr 6, 2010, 08:59 AM

    yes we have had sex,
    So nobody knows who the father is? That's what's so screwed up. You have to wait. And see what she WANTS to do.
    mikaleous's Avatar
    mikaleous Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Apr 6, 2010, 09:14 AM

    We know who the father is, and you know what if it means I get to be with her I will treat the kid as if the child was my own flesh and blood, and I'm there every waking moment, any chance I get I'm trying to make her happy, I try and try and try and I don't feel its good enough so all I can do is as you said be there for her and see what happens, I hate it so much I have to suffer because of what she did in her past but I pray to god that one day out of that suffering something good will come from it
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,292, Reputation: 7691
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    #8

    Apr 6, 2010, 09:30 AM

    I would say you are wrong, if you love someone, it means accepting the "baggage" that comes with them, from emotional, to past relationships and children, as you grow older and date others, you will often find that if you can not accept them as they are, you are not ready to be with them
    mikaleous's Avatar
    mikaleous Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Apr 6, 2010, 09:33 AM

    Then tell me what to do Ive tried everything.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #10

    Apr 6, 2010, 09:46 AM

    How about waiting for right now?

    SHE probably doesn't know what she's going to do yet--why should you?

    You DO have to accept that you get to suffer because of the past of your significant other. Your statement that you don't think you have to suffer because of her past shows how young you are. EVERYONE suffers because the person they love has a past. You should probably just realize that either you love her enough to get over it, or you don't really love her at all, you're just infatuated with her.

    Love is not selfish. This isn't about YOU.
    mikaleous's Avatar
    mikaleous Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Apr 6, 2010, 10:17 AM
    [QUOTE= i hate it so much i have to suffer because of what she did in her past but i pray to god that one day out of that suffering something good will come from it[/QUOTE]

    I never said I did not have to suffer if its best for her I will go through hell and high water just to see a smile on her face I may hate it but that does not mean I will not do it
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #12

    Apr 6, 2010, 10:42 AM

    The whole point here that I'm trying to make is this:

    WHY are YOU suffering?

    YOU aren't the one pregnant at 16. YOU aren't the one who now has to make one of the most difficult decisions she'll make in her entire life. YOU aren't the one who will be under pressure from your ex, your current boyfriend, your family, your friends, your teachers, and random strangers.

    What you have is a girlfriend of 5 weeks (and contrary to your belief, if you've had sex, the child COULD be yours--conception dates are inexact, you know) who is underage and pregnant. You may want to make her happy, but so what?

    Right now, the ONLY thing you can do is help her make a decision that will affect her for the rest of her life--not by telling her what YOU want, but by helping her realize ALL of the options out there, and by letting her know you'll support her NO MATTER WHAT she chooses to do.

    That's your ONLY role right now.
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    mikaleous Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Apr 6, 2010, 11:03 AM

    HOLY she took the test and its negative oh and for it being mine we did have sex but I used a condom, and it was my first time, kind of embarrassing but I did not
    hheath541's Avatar
    hheath541 Posts: 2,762, Reputation: 584
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    #14

    Apr 6, 2010, 11:20 AM

    OK, first you said she found out she's pregnant yesterday. Now you're saying she took a test and it came out negative. How did she find out she's pregnant if she didn't take a test yesterday?

    Now, since all of this just happened YESTERDAY you need to give it time to settle. You are BOTH in a state of shock and panic. Stop acting like a little boy, and start acting like the adult the law sees you as.

    Be there for her. Support her. Listen to her yell and scream and cry. Above all, you need to get YOUR sh!t together so that she sees you as someone she can rely on.
    mikaleous's Avatar
    mikaleous Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Apr 6, 2010, 11:31 AM

    I will, yesterday she started all the symptoms, she told me she was, and I found out not too long ago that she just now took the test, you know what after all of this she now has no doubt that I will always be there for he no matter what happens, so I'm happy but a little disappointed was looking forward to it and I know I need to grow up a lot.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #16

    Apr 6, 2010, 11:52 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by mikaleous View Post
    HOLY she took the test and its negative oh and for it being mine we did have sex but i used a condom, and it was my first time, kinda embarrassing but i did not
    So what? Your first time doesn't matter for CRAP. You still have sperm in your ejaculate... and even if you didn't ejaculate into her, pre-ejaculate still carries sperm.

    And condoms fail. I had THREE forms of birth control (that I was using correctly) fail on me.

    99% of the symptoms of early pregnancy are the SAME symptoms that you get when you're about to start your period.

    I suggest you BOTH keep your pants on until you're ready to become parents.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #17

    Apr 6, 2010, 11:52 AM

    PS--you can get a false negative on a pregnancy test. If she's missed a period, she should see her doctor.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #18

    Apr 6, 2010, 12:28 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by mikaleous View Post
    i will, yesterday she started all the symptoms, she told me she was, and i found out not too long ago that she just now took the test, you know what after all of this she now has no doubt that i will always be there for he no matter what happens, so im happy but a little disappointed was looking forward to it and i know i need to grow up a lot.
    You both need to back away from having a 'relationship'. She needs to find out for certain whether she is pregnant and, if so, how far into the pregnancy she is.

    Let's look at some facts (as supplied by you):

    She is 16 years old and jumping from one relationship to the next one.
    She is not giving herself time to heal between relationships and get rid of the baggage from the last one.
    She is endangering her health and future by having sex (maybe unprotected) with more than one partner in a short period.

    To be honest, I am concerned that she is using you as an emotional crutch right now. I am also concerned that she is playing mind games with this 'pregnancy' scare. Either that or you didn't slow down to ask any questions before you panicked and started 'suffering'.

    I hate to say it but if she is pregnant by the other person and didn't know it until now, then it isn't her past. It is her present. She has to deal with it before it becomes 'the past'.

    Stop having sex with her or anyone else until you are ready to become a father.
    mikaleous's Avatar
    mikaleous Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Apr 7, 2010, 10:07 AM

    I had her take the test again, it says the same negative, and for her using me and playing mind games I hope you all are wrong, I really do I've had that happen too many times in my life, and now I think I have one that really cares about, and it turns out that when she took the test the first time she was going to stay with me if I let her, that you all so very much. I will pull back some from this relationship just to see how things are really going.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #20

    Apr 7, 2010, 10:49 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by mikaleous View Post
    i had her take the test again, it says the same negative, and for her using me and playing mind games i hope you all are wrong, i really do ive had that happen too many times in my life, and now i think i have one that really cares about, and it turns out that when she took the test the first time she was going to stay with me if i let her, that you all so very much. i will pull back some from this relationship just to see how things are really going.
    Be careful. At 16 years of age, she is nowhere close to emotionally or physically matured and it sounds like she is trying to act like she is. I hope she isn't playing games, at least not intentionally.

    Some questions to ask:
    1. When was the start of her last 'regular' period?
    2. Has she missed a period or had one that wasn't normal?
    3. Does she have a gynecologist?
    4. Do her parents know she is sexually active and is she on any type of birth control?

    Some tips:
    1. Best time to use a home pregnancy test is first urination of the morning. Later in the day, the hormones aren't as concentrated and there is a greater chance for false negatives.
    2. HPTs can give false readings. Read the Pregnancy board and you can see the issues with them.
    3. If she hasn't been to the gynecologist since she became sexually active, she needs to for a regular check up if nothing else. She also should get herself tested for sexually transmitted infections after/before each partner.

    Good luck with the relationship. Just keep in mind, even if it doesn't seem like it, there is a huge difference between 16 and 18.

    Also, good luck with your career choice. Keep your head on straight and I think you have a good future ahead of you. :)

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