So, this a very personal issue and I can't stop thinking about it and I feel so guilty that I actually developed trouble with sleeping. I'm apologizing in advance because this is going to be long.

I'm 16 years old and I was molested as a child. I was about five or six years old and it happened through a family friend over a short period. I have two older sisters (both moved out) and while my parents aren't divorced my father's had a history of abusing my mom. Now while I sort of came to terms about the mess my life is, I can't stop thinking about another childhood memory.

My problem is that I remember exposing my genitalia and touching myself in front of my nephew. I must have been about 9 years old and he must have been about 3 I think. It happened once. I didn't touch him in an inappropriate way or touch him at all and he also didn't (all I'm saying is I didn't force him into anything) touch me.

Now, see, I can't stop thinking about it. Did I molest him? I love him with all my heart, he's family and just the thought of sexualizing a kid disgusts me. In my free time I'm leading something like a child's group at church where we play games etc. and I've never thought about one of them in an inappropriate way. My nephew seems to be the most well-educated and carefree kid I know. It didn't seem to affect him in any way.

I'm just really, really worried.

You are articulate, thoughtful, and caring. You seem to have a clear memory of one single act of exposing yourself, without touching or being touched by your nephew. I'm assuming that your question is whether or not that constitutes molestation, not whether or not you are missing any other memories that involved molestation. Since you aren't in a court of law being charged with a crime, or sued in a civil case, I would say that you fall out on the fringes of the definition. I doubt that a 3 year old who wasn't physically hurt would have any memory of you exposing and touching your genitals. When I was a little girl of about 5, I remember some boys getting me to come out of a bath naked so they could all hoot and holler at me. I have memories about male genitals too. I think it's almost a fact of life for older kids to want to see the puzzlement on a younger kid's face, without touching them or making them touch back. Oh, and then there was playing doctor, so there was some touching. Again, seems to be on the edge of what is OK, as long as no one bursts out in tears and runs home.

Now that's all very well and good, but you have a history yourself, and a far from ideal father, PLUS now you are leading a group at church. Therefore I would shop around for a good therapist (they are not all equal, and not all will click with you, so ask for a 10 minute interview from 2 or 3). You may be able to sort out a plan for the immediate future, which a good therapist will help you work on, rather than getting into heavy analysis. So it may only take a few sessions. A good therapist won't hang onto you just to get paid either. You can say that you want a practical guide to all this when you are interviewing. I might tell them that you need first to decide about the group at the church and second whether or not you need therapy past that mark. BUT don't let me put words in your mouth!

It is also clear that you are a good person, or you wouldn't be losing sleep over this. And you have no desire to molest, so you are 90% there, IMHO. You do need to be prepared for the fact that anger at your molester might surface, and that maybe you shouldn't be leading a group at that time. It all depends on what surfaces, how you handle it, what your therapist suggests, and so on.

Should you tell the church, just the pastor? I wouldn't, at least not yet (I never would, even if you drop the group, but you may have good trust in your pastor). That's for you to decide AFTER you talk with a therapist for a session or two. I think I would ask your sisters if they knew anything about you being molested. They could have deep seated worries that they weren't sure about, and it might help them too.

Yes, without getting into the legal aspects, ( and at this point there is none) no, most likely your nephew does not even remember it, Perhaps, because of issues that happened with you, now you are looking for evil or wrong that you may have done.

If you merely exposed, yourself, the other child, may not have even realized it.

I agree with the pastor, some are very well trained in counseling and dealing with issues, some will only judge and not deal with issues properly.

A professional therapist would be a great help, to clear up many of the feelings you are having

Thank you for reaching out for clarity my young friend, that in itself is a positive step in the right direction of both honesty and courage. You may have made a stupid mistake when you were 9 years old, and it bothers you, but you have grown since then, and maybe need some guidance to learn to forgive yourself, and take the lessons learned to keep reinforcing the positive good behavior you have exhibited since then.

No need for carrying guilt and shame when you have made amends through remorse, and good deeds, and service. An older adult that you trust may help you balance where you were, and what you have gone through, with where you are now, and that appears to be a pretty good fellow.

Believe in who you are, and in what you are doing NOW, and get some peace from that, and dwell no further on past mistakes, since they have been CORRECTED, and you are on a great path NOW. While it's best to make amends directly to those you have harmed, it would be very unwise to revisit this and burden your nephew given he may not even know, or remember this event that has caused you such distress. Best left to when you are both adults with more understanding.

Be good to him and others, and ESPECIALLY YOURSELF, until that time arises, and sleep well, and untroubled. You do deserve it. Give yourself some credit for overcoming a difficult challenge, and be grateful you rose above it.

I do.