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    hdrk88ci's Avatar
    hdrk88ci Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 13, 2015, 12:43 AM
    Daughter won't talk to me
    About 3 years ago my daughter moved away to college. Myself and her step mom sacrificed and save to be able to help her for 15 years. Working extra late nights etc. We told her how much we had saved for her (20k) and told her she had to manage that with her goals. I wanted to site down with her and get a good solid plan together but she always told me she is taking care of it and I shouldn't worry. So myself and her step mom flew her to school, got her setup in the dorm then as an extra gift offered to help her even more with a monthly allowance of $175 for necessities. She agreed and I said only things you need and that we will do the monthly thing as long as we can afford it and just think of as extra. The day we took her she told me what a great father I was and just how much she cared and admired me. As time went on I noticed the tuition payments were large and her 20k wasn't going to go much further. She called me for extra money from time to time and I would fold and give it to her. I went and checked one day after I sent her an extra 40 cause she said she had no groceries and the next day on the card I noticed she went out and bought indian cuisine for 38 bucks. I called and asked her why she lied and she said a friend gave her the money so she did that to pay her back. A couple months later I again found a charge that was questionable so I researched it and found out it was an Adult book store. Once again I called her and she said she had to get some special moisturizer for her skin. Then a month or 2 later I found out she bought a cat. Finally I called her and said can you please only use the money for necessities I have worked hard and sacrificed for this and you are buying pets? She then said well if you are going to "hold money over my head" I don't want it. I said if that is how you feel then that is fine. I didn't hear from her in a couple weeks and was calling and calling finally I got an email about how she does not agree how I spend my money and how I use to abuse her by calling her names. I called her financially illiterate in one conversation she said which I acknowledged and she said she couldn't remember the others and no one would know because I did this in "Secret". She won't see me it's been about 18 months she won't talk to me even when I was in the hospital for emergency surgery. I send her care packages and leave her voice mails telling her I love her about once a week but nothing. The last thing she told me was to go to a councilor which I did and took the advice of them but she still won't even talk to me. I am very depressed over this and not sure what to do.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,305, Reputation: 7692
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    #2

    Nov 13, 2015, 05:48 AM
    She is an adult and you were trying to treat her like a 10 year old child.

    Sorry, but you think, because you give her money, you should control it, while it sounds good, no it does not work that way.

    You were giving and giving, and not allowing her to fail. You could have set up with university for money on a university food card (or something) so she could eat. And let her find a part time job, or let her figure how to pay for college.

    I would assume for 18 months you have not given her any money.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,299, Reputation: 5645
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    #3

    Nov 13, 2015, 07:34 AM
    Dad, I think you tried as hard as you could and set reasonable expectations for your daughter, but she took advantage of your kindness and generosity.

    As as has been mentioned, the schools do gave meal plans that can be purchased so our kids don't go hungry. Many even require them for freshmen.

    You you did the right thing by questioning her, but fell short by believing her stories, i.e. the adult store story.

    In in the end, she is an adult now. If she chose to bite the hand that fed her, it is within your rights to withdraw that hand so as not to get bitten again. If that makes her bitter, though luck kiddo, you are protecting yourself.

    Cut out sending the "care packages." Her actions are showing she doesn't need them. Send her a card every couple of months to let her know you care, but all other aid needs to stop.

    Yes, this is going to be hard, but this is a choice she made. You've done everything you can. The ball is in her court now.

    As an aside, please use paragraphs in your responses. It makes your posts easier to read an understand, therefore you will get better responses rather than being looked over.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,282, Reputation: 10853
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    #4

    Nov 13, 2015, 07:38 AM
    Letting go of your children when they grow up and go their way is a hard thing for any parent. Your daughter needs space to find her way, not rules from home. So backoff guy, way off and focus on your own life that you have worked hard for. You have raised her so let her do her thing for a while, as you learn to loosen the reins a bit.

    You are obsessing over your loss of control now and she is clearly exerting herself. The relationship is no longer adult/child, but adult/young adult, so huge adjustments are necessary, and you aren't handling it very well so far. As she enjoys her new freedom, and failures, you really do need to enjoy your own.

    Parents will always worry and want to help their children, no matter the age, but we can no longer control them, just ourselves. Love and support but get a life my friend. What does HER MOM think of this situation?
    catonsville's Avatar
    catonsville Posts: 894, Reputation: 91
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    #5

    Nov 13, 2015, 08:09 AM
    I agree with the 2nd and 3d response, they were done with a bit of kindness and understanding of what happens when you try to do the right thing and it is not appreciated.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #6

    Nov 13, 2015, 08:21 AM
    As was mentioned by the previous posters... despite your best intentions... some kids are so thick headed they will cut off their nose to spite their face. And they need to learn some lessons about life the hard way.

    Let her do without... she made her bed, now she can sleep in it for a while. Trust me... she will learn from it if she isn't bailed out every time. Don't give her a dime... set up with the school to have the absolute necessities paid for without HER touching any of it first.

    Her welfare will be covered.. and she won't have the money for stupidity and parties... or whatever.

    There is no better way to make someone learn financial responsibility than making them do without for a significant period. Notice I'm waving my hand here. Been there done that... but I was long out of college and my parents weren't handing me gobs of money. I just got into a mess despite everything my parents tried to teach me because I thought I knew better. Took a year of living hand to mouth to completely change how I viewed personal finance and responsibility.

    Now is the time for tough love.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #7

    Nov 14, 2015, 09:39 PM
    I am really sorry this has happened to you.

    To save for such a long time, you and her step mom, and expect that she would be responsible, and then it turned into the opposite, is a bitter pill to swallow.

    What I say to you, is, you have done enough. Stop with the care packages, and email, and leave her be to her own devices. You are doing her no favors by not allowing her to grow up, and face her own consequences, and find her own way. If you allow her that much, she will learn, because like the rest of us- you and your wife included- we have to work hard to survive. She will have to learn that lesson the hard way, but that is not such a bad way to learn. And the more she learns about providing for herself and finding her own way, the better adult she will become.

    I appreciate that is not easy to sit back and let happen. But, it must be done. To keep allowing her to think that you will come around and provide for her again, or to allow her to think that if she can convince you she is in dire straights or emergencies keep happening (with lies to justify them), you will be put in hardship, in order to save her butt, again.

    Let her be. Should she eventually decide to contact you (for all the wrong reasons), simply tell her you can no longer afford to give her any more money. She's already accusing you of being verbally abusive, and how she doesn't like the way you spend your money-!! Which really means more of it should be coming her way. She is feeling entitled to insult you in the worst ways, and you have to stand up to this boorish behavior, and, once again, let her be.

    Don't accept any further abuse, from her. She is beating you up emotionally either by demanding things, or remaining silent, both of which she knows will get to you. Don't let it get to you- at least hold your ground while you are talking to her should she call. Don't fold. Remain calm, and repeat simple sentences like, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I can no longer support you", until she gets it.

    Do not allow her to draw you into justifying yourself, your income, your way of life, or anything she has no business knowing. I can't imagine at her age, to have questioned my parents about how they spend their money, and that I disagreed with it!!

    Don't be so hard on yourself. You have a child that successfully reached college, and you provided well for her. If she blows it, she blows it, but she cannot expect to go down that road again.

    You've done enough.

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