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    me3418's Avatar
    me3418 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 26, 2014, 07:30 PM
    My daughter is pushing me away.
    My children and I have gone through a lot in the past several years. Their father literally destroyed our lives and left me to pick up the pieces. For 17 years I lived in fear until I finally left him and took the kids. My daughter has just now turned 18 and has a young man in her life and she now wants to spend her time with her dad and drag the boyfriend along. My daughter was like my shadow almost inseparable. She valued her future and her family.
    That has all seemed to change in the past few months. My life has been for my children and I am now the B*t*c* in my daughters eyes. She tells me I am crazy, I don't care and I don't understand yet she will no longer let me in.

    My ex beat me on a regular basis in front of the kids and I just can not understand why she wants to even spend 1 second with him. He was always drunk and still is. He is buying my daughter and yet at the same time will make promises to her and then justify why he didn't follow through and my daughter is OK with that. He has even come after my daughter to get to me when she was trying to protect me.

    I am sick to my stomach and stressed out every day as she has let her father back in her life. I don't understand where I went wrong and I keep praying that this will pass to.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7692
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    #2

    Oct 26, 2014, 10:06 PM
    She will wonder, why you stayed for 17 years,
    She saw you as an example of what women are suppose to do, tolorate and put up with being beaten and abused. To her that is normal life. She will be lucky not to get a husband who will do the same.

    She sees you now as leaving her father, who was also in her life, and who she even with the abuse, perhaps believed to be the authority and correct.

    This is a common problem in abusive relationships where the women stays, the children grow up, believing or accepting this as the way life really is
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,232, Reputation: 10853
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    #3

    Oct 29, 2014, 07:24 AM
    Maybe its time to stop trying to protect her, mom, and let her learn for herself about her dad, like you had to do. Take some time for your own happiness without your child because she needs to find out the truth for herself, on her own, and you need to let go so she can.

    Children grow up and leave, AND make their own mistakes, and have their own lives. Unfortunately, we as parents will always worry, but can no longer protect them, because they don't want our protection from the realities of life. She is young, and will learn.

    YOU DID, didn't you?
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #4

    Oct 29, 2014, 08:21 AM
    Yeah just let it go. You should remain consistent in your dealings with her and be supportive. 18 year olds eventually grow up and grow a brain. Many thought I never would but I did finally grow a brain as well. Not all men are meant to be good husbands and good fathers. But what is in the past needs to remain in the past. Her wanting a relationship with her father is probably not a bad thing, and it's definitely not a slam against you. So be supportive and she will come around.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #5

    Oct 29, 2014, 10:05 AM
    A lot may have to do with how you taught her about her dad and about all men, and whether or not you fretted too much over her having a boyfriend.
    If all she knew was that men were scum, and then she started to find out that that isn't true, she is understandably confused.
    And she may NEED to see her father, just to find out for herself what differences there are in men - which of course are huge.
    You don't want to drive her even further away by panicking. She's old enough to handle this while she finds out who she is, who he is, who her boyfriend is. All things you cannot possibly tell her. Banishing a father from a girl's life is an open invitation to turn him into a wonderful mystery. AND to turn men her age into her father, and let them abuse her. Again - YOU can't teach her any of this. She has to learn on her own.

    What's most important is that she is learning that not all men are like her father.
    And that if she has disagreements with her boyfriend, that it isn't time to crumple. The best of couples argue.
    Naddzz's Avatar
    Naddzz Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Apr 25, 2015, 07:51 AM
    My father was not very nice with my mother. Not physically abusive but he was emotionally abusive. Always discouraging her, using sour words, extremely cold and ignorant to her emotional and financial needs. My mother somehow coped up with that and me and my brother grew up watching that. Now my brother is 22 years old, treats my mother and her girlfriend the same way my father used to. I tried everything to make him realize that he is acting the same way as our father, but it was useless. Finally, my mother kicked him out of the house, treated him the way he deserved and you know what, now he is starting to realize what he used to do wrong.

    You need to let your daughter experience and decide for herself. I am not saying that you kick her out or anything. I am just saying that let her come to her own conclusions. And whatever happens, do not tolerate disrespect. I think you have had enough.

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