Back in April, I was diagnosed with cancer. Got it all, but I do have health problems. Never the one to want to be down for too long, I went back to school for my degree and actually just finished and got my degree. Around April, my daughter asked if she and my grandson could move in with me for awhile. Of course, whatever you need, was my reply. I drove over an hour to get her and her son. All the while, I'm in school full time and doing 12-hour rotations at the hospital, also an hour away. On top of this, I am having surgery for the removal of the cancer, and dealing with my other health conditions. (One being I have an insulin pump that I'm still getting used to). Anyway, I loved having them both here. I got to see my grandson's beautiful face every day. It was pure heaven. I love him more than life itself. I would play with him, bring him hotwheels, Toy Story stuff, watch movies together, and read lots and lots. On one occasion, after getting some bad results from my surgery, I kind of locked myself in my room to cry and have a little pity party. Few months later, my daughter tells me suddenly that she's moving back with her boyfriend because she may have found a job there. Ok. I was supportive, told her that I would miss her and her son terribly. I ended up moving to a 1 bedroom apt next door to me because I have these school loans and no financial or any other kind of support from their father. (We divorced after 16 yrs of marriage). My daughter came to pick her mail up a few weeks later. That was the last I saw her and my grandson. I typically text 3-4 times a week just to let her know I am thinking of her and the baby (he's now 3). Never got a reply on the first text. So, I texted again... and again... and again. Nothing. That was in July. It's now December... nothing. I have heard from my other children that she thinks I am just toxic and negative. I was dumbfounded and awestruck when I heard this. I was dealing with cancer at the time. Really felt like she was kicking me while I was down. Getting up at 3 in the morning for my rotation, and not getting home until 8 in the evening. Losing patients, bagging patients, listening to patients as they're dying, etc. etc. etc. during my work day was exhausting, but I really do love what I do. It really makes me focus on the good I do have in my life. Despite all the health problems.
I have been devastated by this. It feels as though they have died. I have my grandsons birthday gifts, halloween basket, etc. sitting in my living room. She won't let me give them to him. When she moved out she moved into a new apt with her ex and I don't have the address. She has threatened anyone who gives it to me that they too will no longer see the baby.
I finished school and now have that "distraction" gone, so my whole focus has been them. I didn't get out of bed for 2 months, didn't shower for weeks. This is not like me. My daughter, "Hannah", emailed her and told her that she needs to stop this and at least tell me what's going on. Her reply was that she can't help me if I am going to act like a child and not take care of myself.
She is my oldest daughter and I had her when I was 18, her and I had always been so close. The only thing I can think of is that she has done something that she is so embarrassed about that instead of telling me, she just cut me out. She has done this before. But, NEVER to me. I'm her mother for God's sake. I would NEVER do this to my mother. The people she IS allowing around her and my grandson are people who can "give" her things. Help pay for things. With me being in school now, I can no longer help with her phone bill, rent, car payment, etc. I remember telling her that her and the baby give me the strength to get up everyday and go to school or the hospital. That it won't always be this way. I will be working soon and our life will be better. Just to hang in there.
Do I move on? I have tried to contact her. Her boyfriend. No reply. Nothing. Like I said, it's as though they have died. And it's killing me.
I want to move on. I just don't want to move on without my child and grandchild. It doesn't feel right. I miss them more than I can even express.
Apparently, from the rumor mill, she is telling people lies. Stupid things like I gave my grandson candy when she told me not to. My head is spinning. I feel as though I would be a horrible mother if I moved on without trying harder. I try almost everyday to find a way to them.
This became so bad for me, that I went for some mental health help. I have been so far down that I have literally felt suicidal. I am embarrassed by this, but it is the truth.
I do feel better after writing this, and maybe I should just move on. After all, I can't force her to want to be a part of my life. I am just so devastatingly hurt by this.