Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    Sharon1121's Avatar
    Sharon1121 Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #1

    Sep 6, 2010, 03:15 AM
    My boyfriend's 13 year old daughter wants her father to get into bed with her.
    Every time she is over for the night she wants him to get into bed with her. I have been living with this man for over a year. Sometimes I wake up in the morning to find her in our bed. What should I do? Break up with him.
    martinizing2's Avatar
    martinizing2 Posts: 1,868, Reputation: 819
    Expert
     
    #2

    Sep 6, 2010, 03:47 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Sharon1121 View Post
    Every time she is over for the night she wants him to get into bed with her. I have been living with this man for over a year. Sometimes i wake up in the morning to find her in our bed. What should I do? Break up with him.
    I think you need to sit him down and have him explain how that having his 13 yr old daughter in the same bed is appropriate behavior.

    This is totally unacceptable for an adult to share a bed with anyone over 5 and under 18.

    If he doesn't understand this I would insist on counseling.

    If that was refused I really would consider moving on.
    Sharon1121's Avatar
    Sharon1121 Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #3

    Sep 6, 2010, 04:01 AM
    Comment on martinizing2's post
    Thanks for your answer. But it is the daughter who wants her father to get into her bed and stay with her till she falls asleep. She acts like he is her man. And puts her arm in his when walking to restaurant for dinner
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #4

    Sep 6, 2010, 04:06 AM
    Has this been going on for the entire year you have been living with him?

    What has he said when you brought it up, and have there been occasions where you find yourself alone in your bed in the morning, and he is in hers?

    Does he get into her bed and stay there? Or does he get into her bed for five minutes then scoots.

    I think your question should be, "my boyfriends 13 year old daughter wants her father to get into bed with her, AND, he does".

    This is a decision that both of them make, and both of them should know better. 13 year olds requesting their father get into bed with them is every bit as bad as him actually doing it.

    Please post with a little more information. If it is as it sounds, like this is a regular thing, and it is for the entire night, I would not only lay the law down, if it didn't stop, I'd be calling the CPS in one hand, and packing my stuff with the other.
    martinizing2's Avatar
    martinizing2 Posts: 1,868, Reputation: 819
    Expert
     
    #5

    Sep 6, 2010, 04:12 AM

    Sharon1121 : Thanks for your answer. But it is the daughter who wants her father to get into her bed and stay with her till she falls asleep. She acts like he is her man. And puts her arm in his when walking to restaurant for dinner
    Sharon1121 agree
    I can see where a 13 yr old may not see the improper aspect of that. She should be informed of it .

    How does he handle it?
    Sharon1121's Avatar
    Sharon1121 Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #6

    Sep 6, 2010, 05:00 AM
    Comment on Jake2008's post
    Yes it has become a regular thing. She is a control freak. Even when we have guests she has to be the center of attention. I am so distraught about his and her conduct that I feel turned off to him now.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,108, Reputation: 10852
    Expert
     
    #7

    Sep 6, 2010, 05:21 AM

    13 is a little to old to have that much control.
    Sharon1121's Avatar
    Sharon1121 Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #8

    Sep 6, 2010, 05:48 AM
    Comment on martinizing2's post
    He basically does what she wants him to do. I just cannot bring myself to say anything because I don't want him to think that I am being deviant or jealous. Which I think she is.
    kaka67's Avatar
    kaka67 Posts: 261, Reputation: 200
    Full Member
     
    #9

    Sep 6, 2010, 05:57 AM

    Cut your losses and get out of there.

    If you have to tell him that this sort of behaviour is unacceptable then I think your just hitting your head against a brick wall.

    I don't think anything "weird" is going on. The kid calls the shots. And always will.

    If you can live your life according to a 13 year olds agenda then stay. If not leave.

    The dad won't change. Why would he upset his child for you? Not going to happen I'm afraid. The only one with a problem is you. According to them anyway.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #10

    Sep 6, 2010, 07:52 AM
    I agree that if she is this manipulative now, imagine what she will be like as she gets older. I wonder what her mother would say if she knew.

    I don't understand why the father puts up with this. But, I'm not so sure he has the parenting experience to know how to deal with it either. Is it possible that he just doesn't know what to do, but he realizes it shouldn't be happening?

    Unless you actually bring the subject up (as you should really, this is your home too), and see what he says, or doesn't say, you won't really know for sure. Give him examples including the part about her being the 'hostess' when adults are in the house, which is a also controlling. Normally a 13 year old would rather hide under their bed rather than be in the company of a roomful of adults.

    But, all things considered, what you really have to decide, should he just not agree with you, or doesn't see this as odd, is whether you wish to continue a relationship with the two of them the way it is.

    I know I wouldn't be able to handle that, but I would have had a very hard time staying silent. By staying silent, you are putting yourself in a submissive position and allowing her to dictate your place in the home, and in the relationship with her father.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
    Computer Expert and Renaissance Man
     
    #11

    Sep 6, 2010, 11:47 AM

    First, please do not use the Comments feature for followups. Use the Answer This Question options.

    Second, there are really too many unanswered questions here. First you say the daughter requests that the father sleep with her, then you say that you wake up with her "in our bed". That sounds to me like the father is refusing the daughter yet she takes in on herself to crawl into your bed.

    You say nothing about the relationship between father and daughter. Nothing about your relationship with the daughter. Nothing about how long her parents have been apart. Nothing about how she dealt with that breakup. Nothing about how you feel about this man other than you have chosen to live with him for "over a year", which does indicate you have strong feelings for him. I really don't understand how you expect us to give you advise without any of that information.

    That you are willing to throw away a relationship of more than a year, raises more red flags about you then about the father/daughter relationship.

    Please give us more background here so we can make some recommendations based on knowledge, not guesswork.
    YeloDasy's Avatar
    YeloDasy Posts: 363, Reputation: 81
    Full Member
     
    #12

    Sep 6, 2010, 12:11 PM

    I agree with the above posts... so I will just add.

    Could it be jealousy? How do you get along with her?

    Jake has somegood points too!
    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
    Ultra Member
     
    #13

    Sep 6, 2010, 12:21 PM

    I agree with ScottGem. There are too many unanswered questions to judge what's going on.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
    Computer Expert and Renaissance Man
     
    #14

    Sep 6, 2010, 12:27 PM

    I wanted to add, that several respondents have made good points. I didn't meant to indicate otherwise. But its mostly guesswork, without more info.
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
    Welbeing Expert
     
    #15

    Sep 6, 2010, 12:33 PM

    Hello Sharon,

    There seems to be something else going on here. I'm not quite sure though what it is...

    Does she do this with her Mother?

    Scottgem has some very good points. Lots of unanswered questions.

    My children are still way too little so I can't really empathize here. However, 13, to me, seems to be too old to be sleeping with a parent.

    It could be jealousy, it could be that she is afraid to be alone, which is why I asked if she does this with Mother. Perhaps she feels neglected. She may have more issues then you realize.

    Does Dad ask her why she does this?
    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
    Ultra Member
     
    #16

    Sep 6, 2010, 01:52 PM

    I was 14 when my mother died suddenly, and my father starting dating a family friend almost immediately. I was very upset, but it NEVER would have occurred to me to crawl into bed with them or to ask my father to sleep with me. I just sulked (and am embarrassed now at my behavior).

    I think this situation is unhealthy. I agree with Enigma that whether the girl does this with her mother would tell us more.

    If not, I'm voting for emotional incest (aka "covert incest") or similar--a romanticized relationship between father and daughter that is not sexual but which turns her into a subordinate princess/partner more than a daughter. In that case, it would be very hard for her to accept him having another partner.

    The father may not realize that his relationship is inappropriate and may feel this is the normal way that fathers interact with daughters (though he probably wouldn't do this with a son).
    YeloDasy's Avatar
    YeloDasy Posts: 363, Reputation: 81
    Full Member
     
    #17

    Sep 6, 2010, 08:19 PM

    It does have to stop... for sure! But Jake, it might matter if the child is needing something or if she is doing it for a reason, it would be nice to help her out, too! All behaviors have a reason. :)
    Sharon1121's Avatar
    Sharon1121 Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #18

    Sep 7, 2010, 01:35 AM
    Comment on Enigma1999's post
    Im not sure if she sleeps with her mother. But I assume that she does.But I can assure you she doesn't sleep with her mother and her boyfriend. The problem is that her father my (soon to be ex boyfriend)goes along with this behaviour
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #19

    Sep 7, 2010, 04:53 AM
    Sharon,

    I saw that you had commented on the fact that this 13 year old does not sleep with her mother and her mothers boyfriend.

    The behaviour is clearly directed at her father, and, to Dasy's comment- I agree the child has her reasons, and her behaviour needs help, but the OP is not asking for help for her boyfriends' daughter.

    The OP is questioning this behaviour, as it relates to her boyfriend, and herself.

    I don't know how much information we need to know that this is just wrong. Wrong, wrong wrong. It should NOT be happening. If there are behaviour problems going on here (obviously in my opinion), they are squarely on the shoulders of the father to deal with them.

    But, it is the OP that has the problem of whether she can live with this situation the way it is. The facts are, for whatever reason, a 13 year old daughter is allowed to sleep with her father.

    If it were me, and that behaviour bothered me, I would address it directly, but it is up to the OP to decide for herself what she is comfortable with.

    We know this behaviour goes on, and we've had questions here in the past about the same thing. I can see that at some point this behaviour will become known to the girl's mother, or one of the girls friends, or one of the father's friends, and somebody along the way will report it.

    It is a problem waiting for due consequence.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
    Computer Expert and Renaissance Man
     
    #20

    Sep 7, 2010, 05:21 AM

    Again, please do NOT use the Comments feature to provide follow-up. And please do try to provide answers to all the questions we have raised so we can help.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

Why does my 13-year old daughter still pee in the bed? [ 12 Answers ]

My daughter has been peeing in the bed since she was a toddler, and she is STILL peeing in the bed at the age of 13. She has her moments where she'll go a month or two without doing it, and just when we're all getting excited, she has an accident again and then every other day or so. We don't...

I'm jealous of my boyfriend's relationship with his 7 year old daughter [ 11 Answers ]

I feel ridiculous admitting this but I'm jealous of the relationship my boyfriend has with his 7 year old daughter. We've been dating almost 2 years, and there has been so much stress! We're both divorced, and met while we were separated. Both of our spouses left us.I have no children, (I'm 41) and...

Is it right for a father and daughter to share a bed at any age [ 6 Answers ]

I have been dating a girl only for a couple of months now, and she is 19years old, and I really like her a lot, and she likes me, but there is a problem, and I just don't know how to deal with it. I have talked to friends about it, and they all say its weird, and they would stay always, and not get...

16 Year old daughter hates father [ 1 Answers ]

I believe that my 16 year old daughter would not shed a tear if I died tomorrow... I believe that the problems really started several years ago when I had to move my family from Chicago to Florida for work. Since this move my daughter openly blamed me for taking her away from her friends -...

I have a 2 year old daughter and her father has not seen her in over a year. [ 3 Answers ]

I have a 2 year old daughter and her father left me when she was 5 months old and the last time he saw her was 2 weeks before Christmas 2006, he and I were never married. He knows where she is and how to get ahold of me and see her, but has failed in trying to contact me or see her. I do not have a...


View more questions Search