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    ladyhdrider's Avatar
    ladyhdrider Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Feb 14, 2008, 10:11 PM
    My adult daughter hates me
    My daughter is 35 years old. Her father and I have been divorced for over 30 years. She has 3 adorable girls, age 11, 9 and 8. She has a nice home, good husband that provides well. She got her LPN when she was 19, and is working on her RN now, along with working part time at a nursing facility. She also has a reumatoid disease which she takes medications for including a steriod. We've NEVER had harsh words until this past Christmas. She had been acting distant and not very friendy for a while, but I chalked it up to her medication and her busy schedule. I went to her house on Christmas and she treated me terribly. I honestly don't feel like I've ever done anything to deserve that. I left her alone for over a month, then e-mailed her (afraid to call her) asking to come over to bring the girls valentines. She said that was fine. When I got to her house, the girls weren't home yet, so I took the opportunity to ask her when we could talk. She started in on me again, saying she wasn't ready to talk to me yet, and there were things that had built up through the years, etc. She yelled at me AGAIN and told me to leave her house. I am so horrified over this behavior, and feel devastated. I have two other grown sons, who haven't treated me like this. I don't understand and don't know what to do. I cry because it hurts. How can I get through this?
    oneguyinohio's Avatar
    oneguyinohio Posts: 1,302, Reputation: 196
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    #2

    Feb 14, 2008, 10:24 PM
    Give her the time she is asking for... Her asking you to leave... may have been because there are things she is having a hard time expressing.

    Without knowing the history... it really is in her hands as far as time for her to feel ready... it may be feelings of hurt on her part or who knows... don't pressure her to talk... don't try to deny the past... what ever that is or her feelings... be available for her at her timeframe...

    If she hated you, she would not allow you around the kids... she may have felt pressure when you took that opportunity to force her to speak...

    As you've found out, no 2 children are the same... She is obviously dealing with a lot, and the medical stuff may be something that could be complicating things...

    Just be the best Mom you can now... Deal with the past when or if she feels ready.
    Greg Quinn's Avatar
    Greg Quinn Posts: 486, Reputation: 85
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    #3

    Feb 14, 2008, 10:29 PM
    Is there anything you can think of that she may be upset about? It sound like she's resentful.
    ladyhdrider's Avatar
    ladyhdrider Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Feb 14, 2008, 10:41 PM
    The only thing I can think of that she would be resentful of may be that I was divorced 3 years ago (not from her father) and remarried shortly after. I didn't ride before I met my husband now, and we have fun doing that. In fact, I have had more "fun" in the last 3 years than I have in a long time. Maybe that's what she's resentful about?
    Greg Quinn's Avatar
    Greg Quinn Posts: 486, Reputation: 85
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    #5

    Feb 14, 2008, 11:00 PM
    I suppose that's possible. So the Grandkids were calling your X husband Grandpa?
    ladyhdrider's Avatar
    ladyhdrider Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Feb 15, 2008, 04:33 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Greg Quinn
    I suppose thats possible. So the Grandkids were calling your X husband Grandpa?
    They called him Poppy. We were married for 15 years. He had an affair with a younger woman, whom he is married to now. I left him when I discovered what was going on. He has little communication with my daughter and the kids, has moved out of town and says things are different now.
    Allheart's Avatar
    Allheart Posts: 1,639, Reputation: 436
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    #7

    Feb 15, 2008, 05:22 AM
    Hi lady,

    First I am so sorry for your pain, I can not even imagine it. My heart is heavy right with yours.

    There are some things familiar to me with your situation. I am one of 5 and had an "interesting" upbringing. Mom, who I love so much, well things were very difficult in the home. I tend not to share what happened as I don't wish people to think badly of my Mom. Parents are humans and make mistakes and struggle with things just like everyone else.

    Just briefly, my parents were divorced and Mom was a heavy drinker and abusive. By today's standards she probably would be in a good bit of trouble. But Mom has overcome drinking - and to me that is so amazing.

    Two of us have an open and loving relationship with Mom and have forgiven and even forgotten the past. Three struggle and two of the 3 do not speak to her and have similar emotions as your daughter.

    This all breaks my Mom's heart. What floored me, is when my Mom spoke to me about it she said she could not understand why my sister did not speak to her, she could see if she beat us or something. OMG I just couldn't believe that my Mom just does not have those memories at the forefront of her mind.

    First, I will say sterroids is a powerful medication and can change your personality and make one aggressive. I'm not saying it is the medicine, but it is known to have that side effect.

    Why I shared with you about my Mom (which I don't like doing and she has many beautiful qualities), is because maybe there are things in your daughters passed that have injured her that have pained her and she never shared with you.

    Please, I am not comparing my Mom to you or even suggesting that you did anything remotely close, please, I am not. What I am saying is that there may be something very painful to your daughter that obviously has escaped you. Or it has nothing to do with you just something your daughter needs to work through.

    My advice would be - To get a card - handwrite it - and let your daughter know that you love her, will always love her, that you miss her, and will always be there for her.

    I wouldn't put anyting negative in it at all. I would not put " I don't know why you don't talk to me....what have I done? "... I would not do that at all. The reason I say that is it just my fuel her angry and hurt thinking you should know and there you go putting the blame on her. In her mind that is what she may think.

    Nothing negative in the note - just let it reflect a mother's love. And then leave it alone.
    If you pray, pray for your daughter. If you are not one to pray - then each day just think good thoughts for your daughter.

    This has to be one of the biggest heartaches a parent must face. As I said, parents are only human and our bound to trip and fall, not out of not loving us, but just simply because that's what life is all about and parents are just humans trying to do the best for their children.

    I will say a quiet one for you that all of this pain disappears and is replaced with a peaceful love.

    Keep the faith and hope and know that you are not alone there are sadly many parents in your situation.

    I'm not a parent, but I know it's the hardest and most times, most rewarding job there is.

    I hope you heal soon.
    Allheart's Avatar
    Allheart Posts: 1,639, Reputation: 436
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    #8

    Feb 15, 2008, 04:50 PM
    Lady,

    No never give up. For years my one sister would not talk to my Mom and couldn't even be in the same room. And then one day, she realized too, that it was time to forgive and move on.

    Never ever give up hope. Just the fact that the love for your daughter is so deep, as it comes through your post, is reason enough to continue to love her and hope that she comes through this and finds a way to open up to you and be a daughter again.

    I hope with all my heart that this works out for the both of you. If ever you need to "talk"
    We are here and I am here and would be happy to listen.

    Hang in there Mom :).
    kcscott's Avatar
    kcscott Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Feb 16, 2008, 03:04 AM
    Hi. I feel for you. I just posted with a similar problem. Doesn't it just seem unfair that after a lifetime of caring for your daughter, she decides she hates you and you're not even sure why? I can't stop crying either. I just keep remembering all the times I nurtured her and her children and how much I love them. My mom died when I was a child and I grew up always wishing I had a mom. I tried to be the best mom in the world. Now my daughter speaks harshly to me and I feel I don't matter to her. In your case, I think, what daughter can live without her mother? Surely there will come a time when she turns to you for love and support. Just wait. Good luck. My heart is with you. KC
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,825, Reputation: 2035
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    #10

    Feb 16, 2008, 12:44 PM
    Kids have a strange way of rationalizing and coping when they are growing up.
    I couldn't believe some of the things my kids said about how they perceived things when they were growing up. With her not telling you the problem it is impossible to do anything about. She is holding the grudge and it isn't going to fix itself, in the meantime you will have to just wait on her.
    My kids resented me leaving their father even though they knew it was for the best, I couldn't have a boyfriend or they would hold that against me, they even held it against me that they didn't like the neighborhoods or schools and even the vehicles that I would buy because they always broke down but all I could afford. Then they revised history when they were grown they claimed they did like living at certain places and never said they hated living there and hated that we moved.
    Fortunately they never hated me. But point being it can be something so small that you would think it insignificant while it was a mountain to them.

    Too often kids feel like they can't tell parents their "faults'' either and she may feel that with you for whatever reason. Like my mom is passive-aggressive and if I tried to tell her her *faults* she would get very indignant and say I am the elder and you are being disrespectful and end up lecturing me like a child.

    The only thing I can think that you could possibly do is
    Ask your sons what they think your strengths, weaknesses and shortcomings were as they grew up. Tell them you just want to look at things objectively from another perspective. Don't even bring your daughter into it.

    Or you could think back and try as actually as possible in your mind reliving things but put yourself in your daughters shoes and ask yourself how did she see things when she asked me to do... and I was preoccupied doing... or whatever you can think of and how she may have seen it or taken it.

    The saddest part is that in the meantime it puts your grandkids in the middle since it effects your time with them
    ladyhdrider's Avatar
    ladyhdrider Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Feb 17, 2008, 01:06 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by N0help4u
    Kids have a strange way of rationalizing and coping when they are growing up.
    I couldn't believe some of the things my kids said about how they perceived things when they were growing up. With her not telling you the problem it is impossible to do anything about. She is holding the grudge and it isn't going to fix itself, in the meantime you will have to just wait on her.
    My kids resented me leaving their father even though they knew it was for the best, I couldn't have a bf or they would hold that against me, they even held it against me that they didn't like the neighborhoods or schools and even the vehicles that I would buy because they always broke down but all I could afford. Then they revised history when they were grown they claimed they did like living at certain places and never said they hated living there and hated that we moved.
    Fortunately they never hated me. But point being it can be something so small that you would think it insignificant while it was a mountain to them.

    Too often kids feel like they can't tell parents their "faults'' either and she may feel that with you for whatever reason. Like my mom is passive-aggressive and if I tried to tell her her *faults* she would get very indignant and say I am the elder and you are being disrespectful and end up lecturing me like a child.

    The only thing I can think that you could possibly do is
    ask your sons what they think your strengths, weaknesses and shortcomings were as they grew up. Tell them you just want to look at things objectively from another perspective. Don't even bring your daughter into it.

    Or you could think back and try as actually as possible in your mind reliving things but put yourself in your daughters shoes and ask yourself how did she see things when she asked me to do......and I was preoccupied doing...... or whatever you can think of and how she may have seen it or taken it.

    The saddest part is that in the meantime it puts your grandkids in the middle since it effects your time with them

    Thank you for your comments. Yes, unfortunately, it does put my grandchildren in the middle. I love them and I know they love me, but they also love their mother. I miss them very much.

    I have talked to my sons about this. Their memory of their lives growing up is different than my daughter's. They remember our family on a budget (I was a single parent for quite a while). I made too much to qualify for any assistance, yet not enough to afford many things. My daughter is 35, first son is 30, and second son is 25, so there is 5 years between each of them. There are certain things each experienced that was different from the other siblings due to the age difference. It's hard to compare.

    Hopefully some day my daughter will talk about what has hurt her badly enough to act this way.
    Allheart's Avatar
    Allheart Posts: 1,639, Reputation: 436
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    #12

    Feb 17, 2008, 03:55 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by ladyhdrider
    Hopefully some day my daughter will talk about what has hurt her badly enough to act this way.

    With time, space and love, hopefully she will get there.

    In the meantime, you just be sure and be good to yourself and don't beat yourself up.
    Think back of your upbringing and some things that may have hurt you and how you viewed your parents at the time. There are times we forget to look past the hurt and remember that parents are just trying to do their best with all that they know how to.

    You sound like and good, loving and caring person - I hope more then anything your daughter comes around.

    Give her a little bit of time - a little bit of space - just enough so she can unravel some of her thoughts - but not long enough to give her the impression that you don't care. Then after a little bit, think about sending that card.

    Make sure your other children are not attempting to get her to come around, they may
    Mean well, but may only push her further away. I know that you can't control what they do, but just ask them if the wouldn't.

    Hoping for the best.
    sadmotherwadultdaughter's Avatar
    sadmotherwadultdaughter Posts: 4, Reputation: 0
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    #13

    Mar 10, 2010, 09:40 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ladyhdrider View Post
    My daughter is 35 years old. Her father and I have been divorced for over 30 years. She has 3 adorable girls, age 11, 9 and 8. She has a nice home, good husband that provides well. She got her LPN when she was 19, and is working on her RN now, along with working part time at a nursing facility. She also has a reumatoid disease which she takes medications for including a steriod. We've NEVER had harsh words until this past Christmas. She had been acting distant and not very friendy for a while, but I chalked it up to her medication and her busy schedule. I went to her house on Christmas and she treated me terribly. I honestly don't feel like I've ever done anything to deserve that. I left her alone for over a month, then e-mailed her (afraid to call her) asking to come over to bring the girls valentines. She said that was fine. When I got to her house, the girls weren't home yet, so I took the opportunity to ask her when we could talk. She started in on me again, saying she wasn't ready to talk to me yet, and there were things that had built up through the years, etc. She yelled at me AGAIN and told me to leave her house. I am so horrified over this behavior, and feel devastated. I have two other grown sons, who haven't treated me like this. I don't understand and don't know what to do. I cry because it hurts. How can I get through this?
    Sometimes daughter are so hard on their mothers... it's just that way. Adult kids are still playing games, we never would have treated our parents as they do. I will pray for you.;) Keep your chin up!
    jhud48's Avatar
    jhud48 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Mar 15, 2010, 03:31 PM
    My daughter is 35 and hates me too. She is a newlywed now for 4 months (second marriage) and has three beautiful children and one grandchild. I did the best I could for my three children, and she being my only daughter wanted such a relationship that I think she felt the desperation and used it to her advantage. She has disrespected me over the years and it has hurt for long periods over and over again. There are times that she hurt me so bad that I am too embarrassed to even discuss them after all the years that have passed. However, I keep letting her in, and I keep on being her glutton for punishment. I have decided that I don't deserve this anymore. I had her. I raised her. I taught her right from wrong. Now her actions are hers and she's held accountable for them. She doesn't belong to me anymore. I have given her back to God because I can't handle it alone. I have to love me and care for me. She has beat me down so emotionally that I have almost lost all self esteem. She doesn't call me, she doesn't talk to me, she won't even answer her phone when I call her. She invites her new family over for dinner and entertainment. Never me and my husband and her brother. I am tired of crying. I am tired of this sick feeling. I know that God doesn't make mistakes and I know that the devil is always on his job. So I have to focus on tomorrow without her until she comes around and realizes what she's doing to our family especially to ME. She has to realize that the Bible is true to its word and it says that you are to honor your mother and father or your days will be numbered upon this earth. I just hope she comes to her senses sooner than later. God bless you. Your pain will ease up. You will survive. God is a good god and he will sustain you. My prayers are with you and for you. Hope to read your update "Victory" real soon. Take care
    jhud48's Avatar
    jhud48 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Mar 15, 2010, 03:31 PM
    My daughter is 35 and hates me too. She is a newlywed now for 4 months (second marriage) and has three beautiful children and one grandchild. I did the best I could for my three children, and she being my only daughter wanted such a relationship that I think she felt the desperation and used it to her advantage. She has disrespected me over the years and it has hurt for long periods over and over again. There are times that she hurt me so bad that I am too embarrassed to even discuss them after all the years that have passed. However, I keep letting her in, and I keep on being her glutton for punishment. I have decided that I don't deserve this anymore. I had her. I raised her. I taught her right from wrong. Now her actions are hers and she's held accountable for them. She doesn't belong to me anymore. I have given her back to God because I can't handle it alone. I have to love me and care for me. She has beat me down so emotionally that I have almost lost all self esteem. She doesn't call me, she doesn't talk to me, she won't even answer her phone when I call her. She invites her new family over for dinner and entertainment. Never me and my husband and her brother. I am tired of crying. I am tired of this sick feeling. I know that God doesn't make mistakes and I know that the devil is always on his job. So I have to focus on tomorrow without her until she comes around and realizes what she's doing to our family especially to ME. She has to realize that the Bible is true to its word and it says that you are to honor your mother and father or your days will be numbered upon this earth. I just hope she comes to her senses sooner than later. God bless you. Your pain will ease up. You will survive. God is a good god and he will sustain you. My prayers are with you and for you. Hope to read your update "Victory" real soon. Take care
    sherrysunshine's Avatar
    sherrysunshine Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Dec 24, 2015, 08:18 AM
    I had this when my daughter was a child. I hoped she'd outgrow it. I tried things to bring more together quality time, and private outings.
    As she got over the real young age, into grade school, it was more child like, but other symptoms came forth. I went to see a outpatient person, to ask questions on dealing with these type relationships, and children, issues.
    I brought her in, and my others also, to play, and be evaluated, and exams.
    The continuation, was mostly in her, not me.
    I have had another eval. By the best hospital group, outpatient, and the answer again, was her nature, which confused me.
    My foster mother was good to the children, and she held my daughter, telling me, that it was not me, and looked at me in my eyes.
    My church friend took care of two children of mine when I had been ill. She brought them to church, and ended up in tears, but thank God a friend of my foster mom was there and they knew each other, so they could stay with her until I was well enough to take care of my children.
    Later I had a boy, and she was angry that he was not a girl, and it went on longer than ever, where the blame game is still me.
    I was always there, non abusive. I loved them all, care, nurtured them, supported them, spoiled them, taught them.
    I had a disease and it took hold of my life, yet I tried very hard.
    I could have married for money, and turned the offers down, or it did not match my love.
    Now I think the children are lead by money (most of them) yet love is a real word that mean a deep feeling. I hurt from being hated by my daughter.
    My sons have pulled away with families, and I raised all three to be able to make it in the world, for their sake. It is hard but I did finish the nest.

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