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    ChloeMom's Avatar
    ChloeMom Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 24, 2018, 04:13 PM
    22-yr-old daughter who lives at home walks all over me
    My daughter went to a 4-yr-college, failed (she would never show us her grades & dad never supported looking at them), and landed back home.

    She now works and is beginning her hospital practicum for nursing.

    We gave her a car, paid for everything (including trip cross country to visit BF) until she started to earn money. She has requested that her dad stop paying her credit card and has plans for going on her own, contingent w/BF status.

    She always has, but still, seldom talks to me. If she happens to see me, she will be pleasant. If I initiate conversation, she snaps.

    Husband has never disciplined her (mothers from mid school to high school told me she was "mean girl"). Dad never took my side--treats his mother better.

    At wits end w/daughter I did everything for to make her happy. Bracing for her to cut me out. My husband will go along and never stand up for me.

    Advice? Comment? (I sank a difficult career to be hands-on mother and now lost)
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,870, Reputation: 5429
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    #2

    Jan 24, 2018, 04:24 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ChloeMom View Post
    I did everything for to make her happy.
    Your comment above says it all. Please stop, if you're still trying to make her happy that way. Giving her "stuff" isn't working.

    Is she your step-daughter or bio daughter?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,135, Reputation: 10852
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    #3

    Jan 24, 2018, 06:01 PM
    Why are you still trying to please her, and not yourself? Get a life that you enjoy, and leave her be. Let her dad kiss her a$$.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #4

    Jan 24, 2018, 08:01 PM
    You are treated the way you allow people to treat you. So why are you letting her treat you like this? Who's the parent, you or her?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #5

    Jan 24, 2018, 08:27 PM
    OP answered on another post by mistake:
    "We adopted her from China. I wanted to set limits, but my husband always took her side & filled in "blanks": therefore, he enjoyed and still does "enjoy being a father" to use his words. She had a fallback position with him.TVYM!"
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #6

    Jan 24, 2018, 08:36 PM
    Her childhood is over. There is nothing you can do now. She resents you for all her reasons, whatever they are. Maybe 5, 10, 20 years from now she will see you in a different light.
    You can make it clear that it's your home too if there are arguments about her living with you while she's in nursing school.

    It's possible that she has been aware her whole life that you gave up your career for her, so when something fails in her life, she feels like a double failure, and that makes her mean and angry.
    ChloeMom's Avatar
    ChloeMom Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Jan 24, 2018, 09:23 PM
    It's blind love of a mom who keeps thinking that things will change. When she was younger, she was actually worse with me (threatened violence, cursed, etc.).

    You're right--I have to find what makes me happy other than the love of a child who will probably never, ever give it.

    TYVM--you're great for saying it like it is.
    ChloeMom's Avatar
    ChloeMom Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Jan 24, 2018, 09:32 PM
    I am not using this as an excuse--but an explanation. I was a "me too"--scared growing up, unable to sleep, etc. And I have found myself in another abusive family. I consider my husband complicit with my daughter, who was actually worse to me during her high school years.

    She give just enough to keep me hanging on. She's our only--we adopted her--and so loved being parents. I wanted to set reasonable limits on her--Dad always sided with her. He was her fallback position instead of my partner. He has admitted this.

    You are right. I have to quit her, for the most part, since I can't initiate contact with her.

    I was a college prof and stayed home to raise her with plenty of love & activity. I put my time, creativity, & love into giving her the childhood I did not have.

    You have a good point. Perhaps she has felt pressure knowing that we devoted so much of ourselves to her.

    Darn--it is too late for me to do anything. She does belong with her BF of many years--they have waited to reach early career goals to start a life together. It's no longer my court.
    ChloeMom's Avatar
    ChloeMom Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Jan 24, 2018, 09:37 PM
    We adopted her relatively late in life (I was 38) and now I'm approaching 60. I feel displaced in life; my family has pretty much abandoned me because of the "me too" with my father; I am at a crossroads.

    My brother discovered a half-sister of ours through Ancestry--she looks so much like me that my husband said he'd think she WAS me if he saw her in a public place, unexpectedly.

    I think about starting a new family of half-siblings who must be all over the world. (Only half-facetious.)

    Thanks!
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #10

    Jan 25, 2018, 05:36 AM
    That sounds like a good way to find some family love.

    You grew up with abuse. Try not to think of your husband and daughter as an 'abusive family.' Many if not most teens lash out against one or both parents. In the ideal world, the parent somehow responds with just the right mix of demand for respect and loving acceptance that it's a stage, a testing of the boundaries of childhood, a testing of the need to take the steps to adulthood. (Almost impossible?!?!?)
    You fault your husband for a lot. But parenting is more about being on the same page, so no matter who was 'right or wrong' about raising her, you were both so different from each other that she didn't know which way to turn. (I was a lot like her, with parents much like you two, except that I was more a depressed teen than a mean one.)

    I predict that your daughter will be back someday. Fill in the time and just be patient.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,135, Reputation: 10852
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    #11

    Jan 25, 2018, 06:50 AM
    I think we all have regrets from the past, especially after our kids have grown in independence. It's a healthy thing to acknowledge those regrets, and what we think are failures. Re evaluating our lives is a part of the process of how we move FORWARD, so don't dwell to long on yesterday, and puh-lease try to be fair and honest with yourself. You gave unconditional love freely to another, for their benefit (No doubt you would do that again, albeit with adjustments.), and that's no small accomplishment, and she turned out okay despite her very human flaws and typical immaturity common for her age right? She will do better, and so will you, as you get use to being a mature 60 year old, with experience, skills, and FREEDOM, to do what ever tickles your fancy.

    Your sacrifice for your family should never be a cause of regret, or resentments. It's a badge of honor, so do your thing while your daughter gets her act together, and realizes how lucky she was to have you in her life, and hopefully show MORE gratitude to you her MOM.

    60 is the NEW 25! What you lost in vim, vigor and enthusiasm you make up with wisdom, experience and knowledge. These youngsters can't touch you.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,286, Reputation: 5645
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    #12

    Jan 25, 2018, 06:59 AM
    Maybe it’s time to let go of the “me too” victim mentality and look at yourself as a survivor. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for, and your daughter and husband are feeding into your victim mentality. It’s past time to set some boundaries, and stick to them. If your daughter doesn’t like the boundaries, she’s an adult, she can move out.

    At almost 60 you should be enjoying your freedom, not bowing down to your daughter’s demands.

    She can can get through nursing school living on her own. I did it at the age of 39 while working full time and raising 2 kids.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #13

    Jan 25, 2018, 07:34 AM
    I agree with the others... daughter needs to support herself on her own dime... THEN after she's struggled, she might begin appreciate all the stuff you have done for her. As it is, she feels "entitled" because she's never really hard to do it herself or do without in the very real sense. You really can't do that living at home. The further from that safety net.. the more real it becomes. By the time she's 30, she'll probably look back and feel like a horses butt for putting you through this (if she's got any real character she will anyway).
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #14

    Jan 25, 2018, 07:54 AM
    Yup. Agree with others too. If you don't stop now and pull up your trousers, then you will always go back instead of forward. Cut her lose; stop enabling her and she will gradually come around to respect you for it. Right now, for some reason, she has no respect for you and that is entirely not correct !

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