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    futureiztik's Avatar
    futureiztik Posts: 25, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jul 8, 2009, 03:34 PM
    Can you read chapter one for my book and tell me what you think
    Can you tell me if this is good or give me ideas for the next couple chapters I been writing for a while, Thanks wonder girl for correcting my errors please tell me what you think THANKS.
    jenniepepsi's Avatar
    jenniepepsi Posts: 4,042, Reputation: 533
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    #2

    Jul 8, 2009, 04:02 PM

    I would be glad to but where can I get to it to read it?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #3

    Jul 8, 2009, 04:03 PM

    Here it is:

    Chapter One: Party in Miami

    The name is Brett, I live in Louisiana, am 17, and am the product of an alien project. You see, almost one year ago, an alien race we call the Dieds invaded Earth. They used a chemical on hundreds of humans, and I am one of them. The chemical messed with our DNA, giving us all special abilities. Dieds' mind-controlled us to think Earth was our enemy and were about to send us to attack, but, right before they sent us, a strange force killed their leader. This force also made the Dieds erase all of Earth's memories, but they couldn’t erase ours. They sent every single one of us home to deal with our abilities on our own. It’s going to be one year tomorrow, and we are scheduled for an eclipse and a field trip to Washington, DC. Now it’s 6:00 a.m. and I am just waking up for school.

    *Ring* *ring* It was my cell phone. "Hello," I said.

    "Hey, dude! Can I get a ride with you to school?" (It was my friend Tim.)

    "Are you seriously asking that?" I asked.

    "Come on! I'm trying to be normal for a change," Tim said.

    "Why?" I asked. "Why not just teleport to school? I'll call when I get there. I'm running, and it won’t take long."

    "All right," Tim said and hung up.

    See, I have several powers. I can fly and run at super speed. I went downstairs and told my mom I was going to school. I walked out and used my super speed to run there. I went into the locker room and called Tim. As soon as he answered, he teleported into the locker room. You see, like me, Tim has powers. He can teleport and sense the abilities of others.

    "You ready for tomorrow?" Tim asked.

    "I went last week," I said. "A girl sent me a message on MySpace."

    "So you went see her?" Tim asked.

    "Yeah, she’s a meta-human too. She saw me in Hawaii and California a couple of times."

    "She look good?" Tim asked.

    "Yeah," I said. "Her name is Hollie."

    "Oh, cool," Tim said.

    We went into the gym and waited for other students to get to there. A few minutes later, our biology teacher came in talk to us.

    "What's up, Mr. P?" I asked.

    "Are you going with us to DC?" Tim asked.

    "Yeah," Mr. Peter said.

    "How are we going to be roomed?" I asked.

    "You two and Victor," Mr. Peter said.

    "All right," I said. Just then a busload of students piled out.

    "Hey, guys! Did ya'll see that game last night?" our friend Victor said, sitting down by me. "I had front-row seats."

    "How?" I asked.

    "Ha-ha. I teleported," he said, laughing.

    "You're gonna get caught," Tim said.

    "They might see me, but they can never catch me," Victor said.

    "Hey, dude. That’s my line," I said. A couple of minutes later the bell for first hour rang.

    (After school Tim and Victor came to my house.)

    "How about we go to the beach?" Victor said.

    "Ya'll go," I said. "I have to pack."

    "All right," they said, and in a blink of an eye they were gone, so I started packing.

    (30 minutes later)

    My phone started ringing.

    "Hello," I said.

    "Dude, get to Miami Beach," Victor said. He sounded kind of worried, so I ran at super speed to Miami Beach until I found Tim and Victor.

    "What's wrong?" I asked.

    "Look," Tim said, pointing to the water.

    "It's a guy surfing," I said.

    "Look closer," Victor said. "There is no board."

    "So he's a meta-human who can surf without a board," I said. Then the ground shook. "What the hell is that?" I asked. I sensed two other mutants.

    Tim said, "That guy by the cabin has fire manipulation, and the other by the stand over there has earth mani."

    I walked over to the guy with fire mani. He was talking on the phone.

    "What's up?" I asked.

    "Nothing," the boy said to me, then continued his phone conversation with, "Do it now. Somebody is on to us." He hit me and started running.

    "Come on," I said and used my super speed to get in front of him. The earth shook again, and I fell. Then the guy in the water made a super wave, crashed it into the shore, and hundreds of people got flooded.

    "Tim, Victor, save as many people as you can," I hollered. I called Hollie while I was in super speed helping a lady out of the water. "I need help in Miami," I told her. "Save as many people as you can."

    "Okay," Hollie said and hung up. A few seconds later I saw another flash helping people. After a few minutes we saved all the people we could.

    "Hollie," I said, "this is Tim and Victor."

    "Hi," she said.

    "You can go now. I’ll call you later," I said. "We have to catch those three meta-humans."

    "Okay. Bye," she said and disappeared.

    "Where are they?" I asked Tim.

    "They are in a park," he said, "about five blocks from here."

    "Let's go," I said and ran to the park where all three of the boys were sitting at a picnic table. "Hey!" I yelled. They turned around laughing.

    "Yeah," one said.

    "Ya'll could have killed all of those people," I said.

    "Yeah, we tried," another said, laughing.

    Then I used my super speed to run and grab one, flew up with him, and dropped him from about three stories. Right before he hit, I grabbed him, then dropped him from a few inches.

    "Dude, stop!" he said. "What I said we did that because TMH was there."

    "What is that?" I asked.

    "Terminate Meta-Humans," the boy said. "My name is Josh and they were tracking us all day."

    "That’s Matt and Austin," Josh said.

    "I'm Brett. That’s Victor and Tim."

    "My wave wasn’t suppose to hurt the civilians," Matt said, "but Austin's earthquake was timed wrong and messed me up. We’re sorry."

    "It's okay," I said. "Well, I'm going home to pack, guys."

    Victor said, "Me too. Later," and they both disappeared.

    "Is ya’ll's school going to Washington, DC?" Josh asked.

    "Yeah," I said.

    "Ours is too," Austin said.

    "And some other meta-humans we know are going also," Josh said.

    "Maybe it's destiny," I said.

    "Maybe," Josh said.

    "See you guys later," I said and flew back home at super speed. As soon as my head hit the pillow I was knocked out

    (8:00 that night)

    My phone started ringing. "Hello," I said.

    "Hey, you never called me. I started to worry." It was Hollie.

    "Oh, sorry," I said. "When I got home, I passed out."

    "That's okay," she said. "So where are we meeting tomorrow?"

    "I don’t know. We'll have to wait and see," I said.

    "Okay. Well, text me and let me know." Hollie said.

    "All right. Bye," I said and hung up. I tried to go back to bed but was disrupted by a flash of light and a big bang in my bathroom. I got up and picked up a bat. "Who's there?" I asked.

    "Put down the bat," a voice said. "I'm not going to hurt you. A guy walked through the doorway, and I dropped the bat.

    "No freaking way!" I said. "How can you be here?"
    futureiztik's Avatar
    futureiztik Posts: 25, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Jul 8, 2009, 05:17 PM

    There it is thanks again wonder girl
    futureiztik's Avatar
    futureiztik Posts: 25, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jul 8, 2009, 05:55 PM
    Come tell me what you think about this

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