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    g3mst4r's Avatar
    g3mst4r Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Sep 19, 2013, 12:20 AM
    Sudden death of a loved one.
    It's been almost two years now since he died and till now I just can't accept that my boyfriend died so suddenly. We've been together for almost two years. The fact that I never got to see him for one last time and say goodbye or been to his funeral is what hurts me the most. What's worse is that it happened on New Yearís Eve which I had always believed to be the happiest day of the year.

    Not even a month before, I had to move away from the country back to where I grew up in. I never expected he'd get in a motorcycle accident with a friend who was drunk driving. He was just forced to go along. It was my former teacher who informed me that he was taken to the hospital but his "friend" died at the scene. However he had a 50/50 chance of surviving. The next morning I got the message. I was in denial for months and just couldn't accept it. I had trouble concentrating at my new school as I just started 11 days later and was still grieving. I didn't want others to notice so I tried hiding my feelings. For months I never wanted to bring it up. I just wanted to be normal just like everyone else.

    Till now I still want to be a normal teenager with normal teenage problems. Anything but this. And yes I'm still young and will be turning 17 in a few months. The thing is though I always thought it would be best to keep it a secret. To try and forget my problem as if it were a bad dream. I see him though in my dreams from time to time. Bringing him up would only make me feel bad so I try to keep it to myself. But it only feels worst and I can't hold it in much longer. I learned from the internet that expressing your feelings help but I just don't know how. It feels like I just want to pour out my feelings but Iím afraid that this will change people, my friends view of me. I don't want their pity or the looks they'd give me. I don't know what seems better whether id tell a few of them or just forget about it. I just can't move on much. I want to feel better, be more inspired, and be who I was before all this happened. I used to be fun and talkative. Now I'm just a girl you see who keeps quiet most of the time and reads. I try not to get very close with people at school but some friends. My childhood friends know very little to nothing but they go to different schools. Why did I have to change so much and how can I be like my normal self again?

    If only this never happened. Life would have been so much different than it is now.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #2

    Sep 19, 2013, 02:39 AM
    There are parts to grieving. I know, I've been in similar situations, and I'm now 66 years old. It doesn't really ever leave you, but it becomes who you are, a different person. Try to see yourself as a more thoughtful person, considerate of others who might be sad or grieving too. Small consolation, but I think we can also help you get through this.
    One thing I'm hearing is guilt, I think. We all feel it to some extent, because 'if only I had been there, it wouldn't have happened,' or 'I didn't get to say how much I loved him,' and countless what ifs. He didn't get on that motorcycle because you moved. He wasn't 'forced' onto it either. Actually how he got on it isn't relevant - we all can avoid one danger only to run smack into the face of another one.
    The ancient Greeks had many stories based on Fate - Oedipus flees to avoid the prophecy that he would kill his father, and ends up killing him anyway. Even if you don't believe in fate, try to grasp the idea that if you don't step off the curb and get hit by a bus, you might stand there and have a piano fall on your head instead.
    YOU didn't do anything wrong! You are a teen, and were even younger then, and you had to do what your parents did, which was move. It's not your fault!
    Here's just one tragedy that happened to me. I ditched my new husband and he committed suicide. I spent years having therapists tell me it wasn't my fault, but I never really believed it. I actively did something to make him depressed. I know, he didn't have to kill himself, and it might have had nothing to do with me anyway. But I never really 'felt' that.
    Second part of your grief: talking. It's absurd to think you shouldn't talk to others. My only rule is to keep it short, so that people can have a sense of relief. They may say stupid things such as 'Oh well you are still young' or 'Time heals all wounds,' but just take all that in stride, and be glad you can tell someone. You could try therapy too. Or... help out here! You write well, and you sound compassionate. It might help you too.
    g3mst4r's Avatar
    g3mst4r Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Sep 22, 2013, 07:02 PM
    I never really thought this as grief. And it seems like I still do feel guilty and hurt. But I thought I was over the process of grieving months ago. Well thinking about it, I never quite got over him or come to terms with his death. I can't change what happened. I just wish it never had to change me so much. Im happy to know it was never my fault and I guess it really isn't. I always felt I could have done something to prevent it but from what you mentioned, you really have no control over the situation.

    Hm, I have trouble making friends though or opening up. At school I can't seem to fit in with those I hang out with. I mostly listen and help if I can otherwise I'd keep quiet. Trusting people or getting to close is also an issue since I feel I would get hurt or lose them in the future in whatever way. My childhood best friends are fine though as I've known them for a long time. I feel normal when with them but don't tell them everything about me. We also go to different schools which is also a problem. Eversince I started high school I never really made an effort to make friends. I see them more as schoolmates instead. You mentioned about helping people too. It amazes me that other people like you who is going through a certain problem can also have the courage to help others in similar situations. I still need to learn many things.

    Im thinking of talking with a councelor like at school. I feel comfortable talking with older people about this than kids my age since they have a lot more experience. My parents excluded though as I don't want to trouble them anymore. Writing down memories is not an option at the moment since I try to avoid thinking about what would hurt me. Not talking about it only made things worse since it keeps building up inside till it can't hold much longer. There must be something wrong with the way I'm or I've been dealing with this. So I guess I'l just set an appointment with the councelor of school. I should have done this long ago.

    Thanks for your help as well and getting me to really sort things out and what to do. :)
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #4

    Sep 23, 2013, 02:11 AM
    Good luck. And don't lose touch with your old friends. Old (and new) friends are far more important than lovers. They are still there when relationships fail or are in some way lost, such as through death.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,280, Reputation: 7690
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    #5

    Sep 23, 2013, 05:17 AM
    Two years is a long time, and at this point I think you really need to look into professional counseling. You do and will always miss him, but life had to go on.

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