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Katho · Oct 6, 2008, 09:41 PM

My husband was killed in an auto accident Dec. 2004... four months later one of my friends passed away after a long battle against cancer... since that time, I have only been able to make myself go to one relative's visitation/funeral. I know I should go to those involving my close friends and neighbors, out of respect for the families... but every single time I've tried I start feeling rather sick to my stomach and I talk myself out of it. I think it may be an extended reaction from going through my husband's funeral and my friend's in such a short time... Can anyone tell me if this is normal?

Alty · Oct 6, 2008, 09:46 PM

Katho, I think it's perfectly normal. You went through a lot of trauma, death, in a very short time, did you ever get help dealing with those deaths?

Funerals are more for the living than the dead. They're a way for us to pay our respects to the person that has passed on. If you don't feel that you can go, then you're not hurting anyone. People should understand why it's hard for you.

Therapy may be a good thing, try to find a way to deal with these emotions.

Good luck.

Katho · Oct 7, 2008, 06:25 AM

I didn't exactly see a therapist like most peple would... I have a sister with a Master's in Phsycology, one that is a few credit hours away from her degree, and a daughter that has her Master's in Human Services... they kind of ganged up on me and helped me get through my husband's death and all the rotten stuff that followed... they were there for me when my friend died too. So I guess you could say I did get help but not outside my family. I have discussed this issue with them too... they basically told me the same thing.. but I think I just needed some "ouside the family" input. Thank you very much!

Alty · Oct 7, 2008, 08:35 AM

If you want to talk, we're here.

I myself went through a lot of loss in a very short time. Both my parents died in 2001 6 1/2 months apart. My mother died in Germany, so we had a funeral there, and then another when we got back to Canada. My friends father also died that year. A lot of funerals, a lot of death.

My problem is a bit different than yours. Death used to devestate me, knock me on my back and drag me through the mud. Now, well, it doesn't anymore, and that bothers me. I feel that I've gotten too use to people dying, my emotions are spent, I have nothing left.

So, even though I'm not going through the same thing as you, we might be able to help each other a bit by talking about what we are dealing with.

I'm not a therapist, but I do have ears, and I can listen. ;)

Anytime you want to talk, I'm here. :)

Katho · Oct 7, 2008, 09:32 AM

I think I'll take you up on that offer... and you can use my ears too! And you know what else... I don't think that you've "gotten used to people dying"... I think that somewhere inside of you, you have accepted that death is a part of our lives... everybody's lives... but, it doesn't mean that you don't care or feel things for those left behind! And that's what's important in the long run!
I think you do have something left inside... if you didn't you wouldn't be trying to help me and other people!

canuckdude · Oct 7, 2008, 10:04 AM

I think it's probably normal. I have attended several funerals since the death of my daughter, but I could not bring myself to go to the funeral of a friend's stillborn baby, nor to the memorial a cousin's child, who died of cancer. Someday maybe I'll "get over it"(it's been over 16 years) but until then I'll just keep getting "sick" whenever the funeral of a child comes up.

Alty · Oct 7, 2008, 10:23 AM

Luckily I've never had to attend the funeral of a child, I hope I never do.

I do still feel pain when someone dies, but not the all consuming, crushing, can't do anything but cry and sleep for days pain that I used to.

I barely cry anymore when someone dies, that bothers me a lot.

Everyone handles death differently, there is no "right" way.

Katho · Oct 7, 2008, 03:55 PM

I lost my husband... but I think losing a child would totally mentally undo me... well, I know it would... and I would have to deal with it. I attended only one funeral of a child before my husband died... and I thank God that there have been none since! I hope and pray that if the situation arises, people will be able to understand if I "get sick"!
Mr. Canuckdude... I wish you the best and I'll be rooting for you!
Altenweg... don't let the lack of tears bother you... I've found nothing in writing that says you (or anyone else for that matter) HAVE to grieve with tears! You still have feelings and emotions... and the change may not mean that there is something wrong... it may mean that you are a stronger person and can deal with it better... and hey... by the way, I'm not a therapist either... ;O)

And if the crying/tear thing is in writing... could somebody let me know where to find it... because I know a lot of guys who should see it!

Alty · Oct 7, 2008, 04:01 PM

Katho, I sometimes think I feel more now, but I'm not able to show it physically. You hit the nail on the head, I am stronger then I was, I had to be. Somehow I think that during that time, something inside me cracked, and it hasn't healed. Part of me wants it to, the other doesn't. It's easier to be strong, at the same time, it isn't. ;)

I can't imagine losing my husband or a child. It must have been so hard for you. Many times, emotional hurdles turn into physical ones. You went through a terrible ordeal, it's no wonder that you have no desire to see someone else go through the same thing. After all, that's what funerals are, witnessing the grief of the people who loved the person who passed. You are still dealing with your own grief, how can you expect to deal with others grief?

I sometimes wish I could cry when death happens. Something weird, life makes me cry constantly, it's so much more amazing than death. :)