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    bmagreen's Avatar
    bmagreen Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 24, 2007, 01:26 PM
    Lost my beloved husband!
    I lost the most important person in my life that took me so long to find and now he is gone.
    It has only been 7 months but it feels for ever to me. I just don't think I will ever get over losing him.
    I know it takes along time for the greiving process that is since I am an old hand at this. I lost my first husband he shot himself, that is was in 91 and in 92 I lost my dad and in 93 I lost my only sister to MS. That is why I tell everyone that there is a black cloud over our family. So then we get to my husband #2 uncle he dies that was in 2003 so let say that is why I am now waiting for the phone to ring a someone to come to the door and tell me someone else has died.
    So in 2004 my grandfather dies and then shortly my grandmother dies and that they said was a broken heart. They had been together for 35 years. In 2005 we loose a good friend to heat stroke and a heart attack. And a month later I am called to the hospital by my out of control daughter that our granddaughter has died. That has hit me the hardest of all why someone so little it is not fair.
    And I can get to 2006 coming back our last camping trip and getting ready for bed my husband what they call is a silent heart attack in the bathtub. Oh you would think my poor miss fourtunes would stop there no 3 months later my Maid of Honor Dies of Lung Cancer and she was sick 1 month with it. :( :( :( And everyone thinks that I should be able to deal with all of this and move on. I don't know about anyone else but I don't see that happening any time soon.:( :( :(
    startover22's Avatar
    startover22 Posts: 2,758, Reputation: 363
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    #2

    Apr 24, 2007, 01:51 PM
    Oh honey, be kind to yourself and forget about those people telling you to move on. You need to seek out some professional help. There are probably groups in your area that will meet every week or something like that. You need to talk, talk, talk and get all of these things off your chest. Do me a favor and make the call today. You will be so much happier knowing other people are in need of the same support. You have been through so much lately, it is a wonder that you can even move. I am so sorry. Please keep writing your feelings, keep it up, more comes out that you don't even know about and it always makes people feel better to let it out. Go girl, go and find a professional that can give you the tools to move on. I know you are going to come out of this, you have to make that effort for yourself. I am so sorry for all of your loses. All of them. I just feel like telling you I love you and giving you a big hug. I don't even know you.
    RubyPitbull's Avatar
    RubyPitbull Posts: 3,575, Reputation: 648
    Ultra Member
     
    #3

    Apr 26, 2007, 04:18 PM
    Bma, I am sorry I didn't see your post sooner. What startover is suggesting will be of the greatest help to you.

    I have been in a similar situation as you are in. I lost 4 people I dearly loved within a very short 8 month period. One of those people was my dear sweet husband. A year later I lost my father. Frankly, I felt like I was going to lose my mind for a long time. Friends and people who haven't been through this just don't understand the hole that is left in your life. When others seem to have gotten past it and don't understand why you haven't, it is probably the hardest time for us. They are not trying to minimize your pain. They just don't know how to console you. Sometimes they seem selfish in their attitudes. You need to ignore that. The grieving process is different for us all. When you lose a spouse or a child, it is so very different than any other death that has touched our lives. These are the people you lived with day in and day out. Therefore, it does takes us longer to heal. When we have other deaths continue to happen around us, it just makes your original grief raw all over again. So, what you are feeling and continuing to feel is perfectly normal and understandable.

    You must believe me, it does get better with time. You do learn to live with it and to comfort yourself with the good and happy memories. You learn to go on and find new meaning in life. You need to actively find things that will bring you comfort and joy again. If you are at all religious, you will find comfort in that. Participate in activities that will bring you closer to your God and the people who have the same belief structure that you do. If you are not religious, your true friends and family, are the ones that will bring you the most comfort. You need to go out with them and do the things that will lighten your heart and your mood. Do the things that you have always enjoyed doing. Your life has changed and you have to find a way to make peace with it. I promise you, you will laugh again. You will have your good days and bad days. It will just take time, and you need to actively find one thing a day that will bring you some happiness. Even if it is just something as simple as watching a comedy on television. Every day take baby steps to find your way back.

    I went for counseling and it helped me tremendously. I am not saying it "cured" me but it gave me the outlet I needed. Please read this link. Ordinary Guy, another member of this forum, puts it so beautifully and perfectly.

    https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/bereav...ath-73532.html

    I hope this all helped you. I am truly sorry for all of your losses. You need to find your strength again. As I said, you need to actively pursue it and get out of the house and do things that will make you feel "normal" again. Maybe volunteering for a charity that you believe in, or working with animals or children. Do something selfless to place your mind at rest and give you a new purpose, a new direction, in your life.
    startover22's Avatar
    startover22 Posts: 2,758, Reputation: 363
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    #4

    Apr 30, 2007, 08:54 AM
    Are you doing OK? Have you found somewhere to go with all of this? Just worried about you... Hope you are all right!
    gypsy456's Avatar
    gypsy456 Posts: 319, Reputation: 48
    Full Member
     
    #5

    Apr 30, 2007, 05:31 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by bmagreen
    I lost the most important person in my life that took me so long to find and now he is gone.
    It has only been 7 months but it feels for ever to me. I just don't think i will ever get over losing him.
    I know it takes along time for the greiving process that is since i am an old hand at this. I lost my first husband he shot himself, that is was in 91 and in 92 i lost my dad and in 93 i lost my only sister to MS. That is why i tell everyone that there is a black cloud over our family. So then we get to my husband #2 uncle he dies that was in 2003 so let say that is why i am now waiting for the phone to ring a someone to come to the door and tell me someone else has died.
    So in 2004 my grandfather dies and then shortly my grandmother dies and that they said was a broken heart. They had been together for 35 years. In 2005 we loose a good freind to heat stroke and a heart attack. And a month later i am called to the hospital by my out of control daughter that our granddaughter has died. That has hit me the hardest of all why someone so little it is not fair.
    And I can get to 2006 coming back our last camping trip and getting ready for bed my husband what they call is a silent heart attack in the bathtub. Oh you would think my poor miss fourtunes would stop there no 3 months later my Maid of Honor Dies of Lung Cancer and she was sick 1 month with it. :( :( :( And everyone thinks that i should be able to deal with all of this and move on. I don't know about anyone else but i don't see that happening any time soon.:( :( :(
    People pass away in life... it's sad but true.
    Grandparents are older, we "expect" them to die one day...
    When a younger person or a lover passes away it becomes much harder, especially if you have been married to that person.

    I lost my fiancée in a car accident 20 years ago and it was hard.
    There are still moments that I want to share certain things with him... and I do that, I will talk to him in silence or write a note in my journal.
    It's perfectly OK, even though it is 20 years down the line...

    Like you I have lost many family members and good friends at a younger age.
    And it may feel that when the phone rings you expect "what now..."
    But you know what...
    There is no timeline for grief... we all mourn in our own way.
    Don't let anybody tell you that you have to move on now... you will move on at some point, but it is perfectly OK to feel the gap in your life...

    And you will never forget them, you will always think of them... and at times when you hear a certain song or smell a certain flower you may burst into tears.. which is also OK.
    The fact that they are no longer with us does not mean we have to ban them out of our lives... those things keep them alive in our spirit and there is nothing wrong with that.

    Having said that.. your life goes on.
    You are alive and take every day slowly... step by step.
    Don't be too hard on yourself, just take one day at the time...

    Let us know how you are doing, you have people here online who can listen when things are getting too much...

    The comfort of talking to a stranger can be helpful.

    Good luck and take good care of yourself.
    renaenae's Avatar
    renaenae Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #6

    Jun 26, 2007, 10:29 AM
    Hi my name is Renae kamyszek and I read your letter and realized you are really feeling the way I do you see I lost my uncle in 92 my grandpa in 96 my uncle in 97 my boyfriend at the time in 2006 my best friend in 2006 and now my loving darling fiancée April 2007 he was only 23 years old and I miss him so much he had a disease that he was born with and he just couldn't take it anymore it got to bad I'm so confused I don't know what to do with my life now we had our own place and we were gong to start a family but we never got to it. I miss him so much but I can't live in the house that we bought together because its just to hard and I cry every time I go in our room I am only 19 and if anyone ever asked me if I was ready for this tragedy to happen I would have just laughed at them. I could never believe that Robert is gone and what am I suppose to do now with me life I'm so confused and I don't know how people get along after such a tragedy. I would really like to talk to you if you would like to talk to me . Thank you Renae
    TessyO's Avatar
    TessyO Posts: 14, Reputation: 3
    New Member
     
    #7

    Jun 29, 2007, 05:04 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by bmagreen
    I lost the most important person in my life that took me so long to find and now he is gone.
    It has only been 7 months but it feels for ever to me. I just don't think i will ever get over losing him.
    I know it takes along time for the greiving process that is since i am an old hand at this. I lost my first husband he shot himself, that is was in 91 and in 92 i lost my dad and in 93 i lost my only sister to MS. That is why i tell everyone that there is a black cloud over our family. So then we get to my husband #2 uncle he dies that was in 2003 so let say that is why i am now waiting for the phone to ring a someone to come to the door and tell me someone else has died.
    So in 2004 my grandfather dies and then shortly my grandmother dies and that they said was a broken heart. They had been together for 35 years. In 2005 we loose a good freind to heat stroke and a heart attack. And a month later i am called to the hospital by my out of control daughter that our granddaughter has died. That has hit me the hardest of all why someone so little it is not fair.
    And I can get to 2006 coming back our last camping trip and getting ready for bed my husband what they call is a silent heart attack in the bathtub. Oh you would think my poor miss fourtunes would stop there no 3 months later my Maid of Honor Dies of Lung Cancer and she was sick 1 month with it. :( :( :( And everyone thinks that i should be able to deal with all of this and move on. I don't know about anyone else but i don't see that happening any time soon.:( :( :(
    Hi. My name is Tess and I lost my 50 year young husband Ran 65 weeks ago today after a 7 month battle with multiple myeloma. I know there are people out there who make it after such a great loss, but I don't know how. Every day I miss Ran more and the pain of losing him hurts as it did the day he died. I'm tired of the well meaning comments from friends. Until or unless they have loss their spouse they can't begin to understand. Bless you and take care of yourself. Everything has to be in your time. Everyone is different and there's no magic wand that can make it all better.

    Peace,
    Tess
    firmbeliever's Avatar
    firmbeliever Posts: 2,919, Reputation: 463
    Ultra Member
     
    #8

    Jul 18, 2007, 03:22 PM
    I am so sorry to hear about all your losses.

    I would like to think all those who have lost loved ones, I am sure they would like you to remember them and be prepared.

    When we grieve for our loved ones we tend to forget that the only certainty in this worldly life is everyone's has an appointed time to live on earth although we would all love to keep all our loved ones forever it is not to be.
    We must also remember that there will come a time when others will grieve for us when we are gone and we must be always prepared to meet death and do good things and be good to people as this is the only thing we can take away with us and nothing.

    I really think you should not think that death as something that effects only certain people like a bad omen, as people are born others will die and leave this world and us.
    Death is one end of the spectrum of life... and some people have lost more loved ones than others. It is just a test in this life and we must learn to move on with their memories, find support from friends and the remaining loved ones, we must not isolate ourselves as the rest of the family will also feel the loss of you. The living one too if you seclude yourself and grieve alone.

    Hope you will all find Peace of your souls as you go through grief
    EFC's Avatar
    EFC Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #9

    Sep 2, 2007, 03:08 PM
    When people tell you to move on--if they are close to you, try to understand things from their perspective. They may not have been as close to the person that you lost as you were, so of course it doesn't take them as long to deal with the pain. But they care about you and I would bet that the reason why they want you to 'get over it' is because they see the pain that you are in and they really don't know how to help you. They love you and want you to be happy. Yes, they are being insensitive, but that's just because they don't know any better. Forgive them for their insensitiveness and be comforted by their love and concern for you.
    I think there are something's you never get over, but learn how to deal with better as time numbs the pain. Look for the little things that bring you joy. If you can't learn to live again and be happy for yourself, learn to live for those who have died. They loved you too and wouldn't want you to be miserable. Live for them. Make them proud to have been such a very special part of who you are. Make your life a living memorial of them.
    CharlesM's Avatar
    CharlesM Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #10

    Oct 13, 2007, 06:14 PM
    I feel for you hun,
    I lost my husband on Nov. 6, 2000. I was 30 years old. He had terminal cancer. I blamed myself for a long time after his passing. As far as moving on, you and only you will know when you are ready, it took me over 3 years to get my mind straight. It is a very long process, there are support groups online. You will get through this, and it does seem like forever. If you ever need a shoulder or just to talk. Feel free to email me.
    wendolynm1970@yahoo.com

    May god be with you.
    shaunaburrow's Avatar
    shaunaburrow Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #11

    Oct 18, 2007, 04:52 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by bmagreen
    I lost the most important person in my life that took me so long to find and now he is gone.
    It has only been 7 months but it feels for ever to me. I just don't think i will ever get over losing him.
    I know it takes along time for the greiving process that is since i am an old hand at this. I lost my first husband he shot himself, that is was in 91 and in 92 i lost my dad and in 93 i lost my only sister to MS. That is why i tell everyone that there is a black cloud over our family. So then we get to my husband #2 uncle he dies that was in 2003 so let say that is why i am now waiting for the phone to ring a someone to come to the door and tell me someone else has died.
    So in 2004 my grandfather dies and then shortly my grandmother dies and that they said was a broken heart. They had been together for 35 years. In 2005 we loose a good freind to heat stroke and a heart attack. And a month later i am called to the hospital by my out of control daughter that our granddaughter has died. That has hit me the hardest of all why someone so little it is not fair.
    And I can get to 2006 coming back our last camping trip and getting ready for bed my husband what they call is a silent heart attack in the bathtub. Oh you would think my poor miss fourtunes would stop there no 3 months later my Maid of Honor Dies of Lung Cancer and she was sick 1 month with it. :( :( :( And everyone thinks that i should be able to deal with all of this and move on. I don't know about anyone else but i don't see that happening any time soon.:( :( :(
    We all experience losses.

    What is important is what we do with it

    Waller in it or accept it, celebrate it and live your life with full zest.

    I too have had devastating loss... I choose the zest, if feels much, much better
    outtheresister's Avatar
    outtheresister Posts: 13, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #12

    Oct 28, 2007, 06:48 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by bmagreen
    I lost the most important person in my life that took me so long to find and now he is gone.
    It has only been 7 months but it feels for ever to me. I just don't think i will ever get over losing him.
    I know it takes along time for the greiving process that is since i am an old hand at this. I lost my first husband he shot himself, that is was in 91 and in 92 i lost my dad and in 93 i lost my only sister to MS. That is why i tell everyone that there is a black cloud over our family. So then we get to my husband #2 uncle he dies that was in 2003 so let say that is why i am now waiting for the phone to ring a someone to come to the door and tell me someone else has died.
    So in 2004 my grandfather dies and then shortly my grandmother dies and that they said was a broken heart. They had been together for 35 years. In 2005 we loose a good freind to heat stroke and a heart attack. And a month later i am called to the hospital by my out of control daughter that our granddaughter has died. That has hit me the hardest of all why someone so little it is not fair.
    And I can get to 2006 coming back our last camping trip and getting ready for bed my husband what they call is a silent heart attack in the bathtub. Oh you would think my poor miss fourtunes would stop there no 3 months later my Maid of Honor Dies of Lung Cancer and she was sick 1 month with it. :( :( :( And everyone thinks that i should be able to deal with all of this and move on. I don't know about anyone else but i don't see that happening any time soon.:( :( :(
    Being that you have lost so many people in a very short time means you need to morn each one individually or you will never be able to move on... Start with the first one
    Robert Brenner's Avatar
    Robert Brenner Posts: 53, Reputation: 13
    Junior Member
     
    #13

    Oct 29, 2007, 08:20 AM
    bmagreen, The loss of loved ones is not something that you deal with and move on. But you will want to move on with your life. My belief is, you never get over it. My son died in 1993 and I have learned to deal with it, by knowing he is with me all the time. I can and do connect with him all the time. If I can help, or, if you just need to talk, I'd love to share with you. Maybe it will help. In light Love and Peace, Robert
    MarYaMi's Avatar
    MarYaMi Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #14

    Apr 29, 2012, 10:28 PM
    I lost my husband and my little brother 2 mounts ago.. I know how you are feeling when you say"its not fair" .I lost them in a second.. I feel I am the only one on the earth and I got compeletly lost .I live in Iran and everybody knows about the situation here.Please when you find anything that could heal you,let me know.. I really want to die
    Robert Brenner's Avatar
    Robert Brenner Posts: 53, Reputation: 13
    Junior Member
     
    #15

    Jun 20, 2013, 12:52 PM
    It does take time so be patient.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
    Uber Member
     
    #16

    Jun 20, 2013, 02:34 PM
    Robert, this is from 2007 - there are more recent threads about the same thing.

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