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vlee · Apr 26, 2007, 09:04 PM

This may not be the right place to ask this, but I'm not sure where else to ask. My grandmother has severe colon and liver cancers. She was only diagnosed a month ago and today her doctor said she only has about a week left. None of us were expecting her death to come so quickly. She is terrified of course, but thinks she has a few months left. My question is, what do I say to her this weekend to comfort her without making it sound like I know her death is imminent? We have never been very close, but I can not imagine a family event without her. I would just like to say something reassuring, but what?

Clough · Apr 26, 2007, 09:51 PM

I don't know if you are a Christian or not. Or, if you believe in an afterlife. Or, if your grandmother believes in Christ or an afterlife. But, after having worked in a nursing home and held many a person's hand as their death was imminent, the one thing that I said to them that would get the most positive reaction was "(Name of person) you know that no matter what happens, you (or, everything is) are going to be okay."

Bluerose · Apr 27, 2007, 12:29 AM

I sat by my mum's bed for days as she hung on for dear life. There is nothing you can do except try to make them as comfortable as possible and constantly reassure them that everything will be okay. My mum keep asking about everyone (I'm the oldest of five) I just kept reassuring her that I would take care of everything and everyone and told her that she had nothing to worry about.

This is the one time, I feel, where you can say what you know they want to hear - that everything and everyone will be fine and for them to just take care of themselves for a change.

Anayden · Apr 27, 2007, 12:37 AM

Sometimes its not what you say, its what you do. Just being there with her, enjoying the moment and making memories could be enough. Love isn't measured by what a person says, but by what a person does. Remember that and I am so sorry to hear about your grandma, I will pray for strength for you to get through this. Stay strong.

Allheart · Apr 27, 2007, 12:52 AM

Vlee,

You have incredible and beautiful words of advice above. I will keep you and Gram in my prayers.

Just be your wonderful self - and take a quiet moment with Gram, flash her a smile, give her a hug, and softly wisper in her ear, what is in your heart, by saying " I love you Gram".

May a peace come to you and your beautiful family during this difficult time.

Krs · Apr 27, 2007, 01:01 AM

Originally Posted by vlee

My question is, what do i say to her this weekend to comfort her without making it sound like I know her death is imminent? We have never been very close, but I can not imagine a family event without her. I would just like to say something reassuring, but what?

I have been there.. I know how it feels, the best thing you can do is be yourself.
Smile and be there for her.

Bluerose · Apr 27, 2007, 01:18 AM

Lovely suggestions. I'm a grandmother and I like the way the advice here can serve both parties. I wouldn't want to give my kids and my grandkids any undue worry or stress. I have already 'planned' to go peacefully - hopefully.

vlee · Apr 27, 2007, 06:47 AM

Thank you all very much. I guess the worst part of this is not really being able to do anything to help, you know? She does believe in God and the afterlife, but she is so worried about her kids and grandkids. She just keeps saying she isn't ready to die. Other family members have tried to tell her that it's OK and everything, but she feels like a burden. (She has ALWAYS been very independent.) She is nearly 90 years old and has lived in the same house she shared with her husband before he died almost 30 years ago. So having to rely on other people is difficult for her. I will take all of your advice and try to enjoy what will probably be my last visit with her. Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts.

iscorpio · Apr 27, 2007, 09:10 AM

Originally Posted by vlee

This may not be the right place to ask this, but I'm not sure where else to ask. My grandmother has severe colon and liver cancers. She was only diagnosed a month ago and today her doctor said she only has about a week left. None of us were expecting her death to come so quickly. She is terrified of course, but thinks she has a few months left. My question is, what do i say to her this weekend to comfort her without making it sound like I know her death is imminent? We have never been very close, but I can not imagine a family event without her. I would just like to say something reassuring, but what?

Tell her that although you do not appear to be close, you do love her and tell her how special she is to you and always will be, make her laugh, talk about memories, be you and talk to her as yourself be natural and try not to show her that you feel her pain, treat her natural as if nothing is wrong, hold her hand when you talk to her. Just be there when she needs you. Take care, love and peace anne x

monimrl · Oct 24, 2010, 01:10 AM

Hello Vlee, I care for my 88 yr old mother-in-law and sometimes she voices her concern about being a lot of trouble or a burden. I tell her in a light hearted tone that it is not a burden, but a privilege to serve her. Try to view her more as the teenager or young woman she might have been. Tell her how you envision her at that time. She will enjoy revisiting (and hopefully relating) a little about the days when she was strong and lively. It will not only be pleasant for her, but serve as a distraction from her fear and guilt of leaving her family. The less you show fear in losing her, the less fear she will likely experience. I have sat at the bedside of several elderly loved ones, and as a result have no fear of my own death. It truly is a step out of this world into the next-all she needs is your hand.

dontknownuthin · Oct 24, 2010, 09:00 AM

I agree with all of you. The most comforting thing you can do is tell her you love her, ask if she needs anything and if she's comfortable, and just be there. And if she thinks she's a burden, reassure her there's nowhere you'd rather be than with her. If she's up to it, ask her about her life - like what her life was like when she was your age. I found talking about her childhood and parents and brothers and sisters was very comforting to my grandmother in her final years.