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    Perpetual's Avatar
    Perpetual Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Aug 3, 2013, 04:06 PM
    My father committed suicide
    My dad hung himself last month. He was always working and only really there for me as a child and I never understood why he took full custody of my sister and myself because he left us with grandparents,nannies, girlfriends, remarried twice. I moved away to another state when I was 15 because he left me alone 5 out of 7 days a week by myself after his 3rd divorce. I got addicted to coke & ended up overdosing on pills leaving me in an out patient situtation. Once I moved with my mom he said id never amount to anything because I went to live with her. He always was making comments to his past/present wives/girlfriends and my sister and myself about looking perfect and being a certain weight because that's what all "catholic" families that don't consistently go to church unless they are around their strict catholic grandparents. (his parents) So remarried a fourth time to a much younger wife for almost ten years, doing the same to her. Although I never really liked her because of the way she treated me, she told my dad she was leaving him for another man right before he did it. My dad saw me maybe 4 times in the past ten years. For maybe a day, then back to his perfect life & work. I had to go see him, I had to call him and it was always conversations about my job and how much money I was making, never anything heartfelt. So I finally confronted him about why he was never there for me two years ago, and he stopped talking to me. I got a "happy birthday" text message last year, then I tried to resolve our "disagreement" with once again trying to mend things in January of this year, but no response.I know he got the email because my sister said she was confused why he didn't respond. So now it's the end of June, and I get a TEXT message from my sister to my mother and myself " my dads dead, I hope both of you es are happy." That's how I found out. Then I drove to pick up his letter to me. He said he was disappointed in himself as a father and to pray for him. My sister hasn't apologized to me. My step mom only let my sister get the things from our childhood from their house and when I confronted her she sent me a box of broken picture frames of my sister and myself and one of my dad. I don't blame myself but unfortunately I have already dealt with my boyfriend at age 17 hanging himself after two years of dating him and his mom blamed me because I was trying to get him to get his life straightened out. Two suicides by the time I'm 27, both someone excusing them blaming me. I'm not taking the blame anymore, I think people just don't think how much they hurt/damage/leave behind when they do this on EVERYONE. They think taking themselves out of the picture makes it better, but no, it doesn't it. It's a horrible feeling that never goes away. I started having nightmares when my ex died and trouble sleeping, eating, I felt nauseous. It took YEARS to get over and it still haunts me to this day because he was a good person and I never thought he would do this because he cared so much about how people felt. My dad was too proud to seek help, my mom & all his other wives tried to get him to get help while they were married. He never did, he would get pissed off and tell them to suck it up. I never thought he would do this out of all things. Now leaving my sister, grandparents, and myself with the same nauseous I don't understand why you would do this to us feelings. It's a shock, a blur, a bad movie scene for years. I struggle with manic depression and I have for years. I will never give up on anyone. I don't have a dad to ever walk me down the aisle, to watch my first child being born, to watch me grow older. No I have the images pasted in my mind haunting me of people who gave up on themselves, everyone else, the chance to give life a chance for themselves and for their families, and for me. So if you are thinking about it, you might want to think again. If your trying to relieve yourself of pain, you are taking the easy way out and leaving your pain behind for others to deal with. If you are being spiteful, you are being selfish and you will leaves scars for generations of people you will NEVER get a chance to meet. I do not feel sorry for myself. I only get stronger for others and for myself. I learn what pain does to people and how to heal myself with ever cry, pissed off moment, laugh, love, holiday, life experience. Unfortunately now my Dad does not get to see any of it. I do not pray, but I prayed for him like he asked. Think of others before yourself.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,273, Reputation: 7690
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    #2

    Aug 3, 2013, 05:32 PM
    I hope you have gotten professional counseling. I will be honest much of your post just rambles, and still no idea what being Catholic had to do with anything.

    But when a person kills themselves, it is because they have a mental problem, not because of anyone else. That is merely a excuse of others who do not wish to accept the faults and problems that the dead person had.

    There are many stages in the grieving process, and we must feel pain in our lives, it is said that knowing pain, makes us realise we are humans.

    I
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #3

    Aug 3, 2013, 05:52 PM
    You wrote this under Bereavement. I hope you can take some time for genuine grief (even though I suspect that it is mixed with many emotions, especially anger). Not guilt! You are not to blame for any of this.
    I see your strength and that is good, and I hear your message to others about suicide, and about your resolve to live your life.
    I just hope that you allow time to grieve with softness. So that you don't harden.
    Grieving opens you up to pain and makes you vulnerable (trite but true) and sometimes being defiant helps.
    But still, take some time to grieve.
    I'm very sorry that you have gone through all this. The only thing I can say about your dad and his perfect life is that it obviously wasn't perfect at all. Some desperation drove him. I wonder what it was? Reminds me of the novel Very Old Bones, one of an excellent series. (And about a Catholic family... )
    And for the people who think it solves things? It does - for them. You have to be in a lot of pain to kill yourself.
    I don't know what else to say. My best to you now and always.

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