My father died unexpectedly.My mother died after long battle w/ Alzheimer's less than 2 years ago. Dad and I shared her caregiving. After her death I proceeded to follow through with lifelong plans to relocate across the country with my husband and kids, leaving my Dad and adult siblings behind. I called my Dad every night we stopped in motel during our move (we drove) but he died 3 days after my arrival in new home. I am only family member with small children. My siblings handled Dad's home etc. and told me I didn't need to fly back to help/tho I honestly offered. I requested 2 monetarily worthless items of my Mom and Dad's that I wanted from the home. Siblings collected various other things they'd wanted. Dad had nothing of great value. My brother took from home the items I'd requested and said he would send them to me--I gave him my personal UPS shipper number to do so. It has been 4 months. He hasn't sent them. He also does not return my phone messages or e-mails. I have learned my sibs somehow blame me for my father's untimely death (he was 82, had various ailments). I had accompanied my Dad to spread my mom's ashes year before. One sister also attended. Another sister is kind of afraid of death, brother has pretty much had nothing to do w/ family for past 25 years. I made it clear by phonecalls and e-mails that I would buy a flight home to be there for ash spreading for my father, asking sibs/executor just to tell me when it was going to be (there is a time delay w/ cremation to wait for ashes) A month and a half passed and I had asked brother and executor repeatedly and they evaded my Q until finally executor admitted my sister (his wife) had spread ashes alone a month earlier never notifying me or Dad's only living brother who had also expressed desire to attend. I was speechless. Felt betrayed. But no explanation was given. I have asked by phone (I get machine) and by letter and get letters back but it never replies to that particular Q of WHY she did such a thing. It's now been 4 months since Dad died. My brother hasn't communicated w/ me for over 3 months. (Frustrated, I hung up phone w/ him when he kept not answering my Q about ashes before I knew they'd been spread)

I am severely depressed. The not understanding/feeling betrayed/not knowing if my brother will send my items (he has a family-abuse history that makes me think he may have destroyed the items) I ask executor to try to mediate w/ my brother and find out what's happening w/ my items and he tosses up his hands and says he won't communicate until everyone starts to cooperate. (I tell him cooperation will be the result of better communication and he has it all backwards)

As far as I know no one else in family expressed an interest in the same items I had requested. They each have several items they took from home. I have absolutely nothing. I' m unsure even how to grieve, feeling the loss not just of my Dad but of my whole family in one fell swoop.

Any advice appreciated

First, let me offer my condolences on the loss of your father. I have gone back and read your postings on this situation and I can see how emotionally distraught you are. I am so sorry for your troubles.

The death of a loved one is a very traumatic time for everyone close to that person. I know you already know this. Everyone reacts and responds to it differently. Some people handle it well, some people don't. Not knowing the complete story of your family dynamics, and not knowing intimately the personalities and history of all the players involved, makes it very difficult to tell you the how's, whys, and why nots, that you have been expressing in your postings.

I agree it was most unkind of them to spread your Dad's ashes without giving you an opportunity to be there. I suspect that your constant questioning of their every move and decision contributed to their actions. I suspect they wanted to avoid confrontation about the status of the estate and were afraid that you might question their decision as to where they chose to dispose of the ashes. Rather than get into a family quarrel, they just made a decision and stuck to it. Is it fair? No. Was it easier for them to do this than adding to
The stress they are already feeling over the disposition of your father's property? Probably.

As much as it is frustrating for you, it is equally frustrating for those in the executor position who are trying to do the right thing by everyone. If you feel that they are really and truly trying to cut you out and rip you off, then unfortunately, you have done a disservice to yourself by moving so far away. I do think it is terrible that others blame you for your Dad's passing. That is not fair and places a very heavy burden on you. That kind of accusation is irrational on their part, and is hurtful to you.

From what you have written, I do believe the executor is trying to do the best they can do for everyone involved. Being an executor is not an easy task. They relie on either their own experiences, or a lawyer to advise them of how to go about doing what needs to be done to satisfy everyone, and fulfill all the legal requirements and obligations that come with the position. There is usually a lot of paperwork involved and it is quite stressful.

My suggestion to you would be, at your earliest convenience, you should go back and have a sit down with your family and the lawyer that is helping them. Tell them that you are extremely hurt by their suggestion that they are attributing your father's death to you. Tell them you are hurt that they did not give you an opportunity for closure by allowing you to be there for the spreading of the ashes. Tell them you understand that everyone is stressed out over this. Then, be quiet and let them talk. You learn a lot more by letting other people talk. I know it is hard, but don't get into accusations and finger pointing. This is not constructive and leads to a breakdown in communications. This is an emotionally charged situation and could explode very easily. Try to pull yourself back. Let them break down if they can't control themselves but you need to show your strength of character here. With the attorney being present, you might find that he will be more willing to act as mediator and help you to understand exactly what is going on. Just be aware of the fact that the more he is involved, the more it will cost the entire estate money and there will be less to go around.

I am not sure of what else to say. I hope this helps you a little in understanding what is going on and how to go about rectifying some of these issues you have with your siblings. By the way, when you are there, at the end of the discussion, you should request the items you were asking your brother for, in front of the attorney.

Hmmm. I've re-read my own posts trying to figure out how you think I have constantly questioned their every move and decision. Or that it is just me feeling they are trying to cut me out or that I feel anyone is trying to rip me off.

I appreciated your answer in my dog question but did you notice this is a BEREAVEMENT question? I didn't ask to be attacked yet again. I wanted to know if I ought to end this by forcing myself to just FORGET the 'stuff' that I'd wanted to remember my parents and the 'hurt' of being cut off (I don't think I imagine being cut off if they exclude me from my own father's 'funeral')

When I originally posted a Q about cost basis in the home/my sibs offer to buy, I was just trying to understand his offer. (I accepted his offer/He withdrew offer because his wife didn't like house)
When I posted about executor not sending appraisal, I had honestly wanted to see if I couldn't just alleviate myself of this family mess by selling my 1/4 of the house for a fraction of the value on E-Bay.(And this was all AFTER they had already spread ashes w/out me) Just to be done with it. I have no need for my Dad's estate/$. I'm in no way rich or even well off, but I've always paid every bill on time and in full on my own. I just wanted the pain of having to be involved with people who would not notify me of our own Dad's funeral and who would blame me for his death. (My Dad said 'go for it' when I mentioned my moving. I'm 43 years old for God's sakes. I previously lived 2 hrs from my Dad (1 hr further than 2 sibs, 1 hr less than 1 sib) yet I helped the last several years with my Mom's daily care. Dad was fully planning on coming to visit us once we got settled. I was devastated when he died. My only communications with my family were initial phonecalls being told of Dad's death when I called my dad's house and found my sister/brother there. I asked if they needed me to turn right around and fly back to help with Dad/the house. Answer was No, that I should be with my little kids at this time since they had just moved 2800 miles. But I stated that after we were unpacked I would get a flight home and wanted to be there for the ash spreading. After 2 weeks I talked on phone to my brother who was cleaning out the house and talking about buying the house. He 'secured' the items I said I wanted. I had a few more phonecalls w/ my brother about his offer--it kept changing. During those phonecalls I asked him if anything had been decided about Dad's ash spreading. He would always evade the question, even going so far as to yell at me for changing the subject when he wanted to discuss all his childhood memories of the house and how to convince his wife to buy it. I spent a LOT of time listening to him (usually at 5am because he forgot 3 hr time difference) I sensed this wanting to move 'back home' was HIS way of grieving. I understood that. Later I sent him an e-mail with nothing but that same question about the ashes. He would e-mail back with all sorts of other info about what was going on with Dad's investments, etc but not answer about ashes. I called him again to ask directly that one question. He told me "I'm not going to GO THERE" and proceeded to talk about something else. I hung up on him. I next (now 1-1/2 months after dad died) called executor to ask him about ashes (I suspected something was wrong, of course) (This was first call I had to executor since Dad died except for one call he made to me encouraging me to sign paperwork I was getting in the mail and return it quickly to allow him to settle Dad's investments/taxes--I did.) my sister (his wife) got on the phone absolutely hysterical that they had received a letter from a man wanting to buy dad's house and the letter was dated BEFORE Dad had died. She cried and asked me if I had something to do with it/how would this man know to mail a letter to executor BEFORE Dad had died? (I was only one who knew my brother-in-law was named executor except my brother in law as I was dad's power of attorney) I'd never heard of it until now, and it turns out--I've heard months later from other sister--she'd read the date wrong. (The guy obviously read the info in court docs or the newspaper) It had absolutely nothing to do with me, nor did I even know anything about it. But, she was so hysterical I didn't get to ask about ashes. I wrote exec a letter asking about ashes. I also had to pass on information about automatic bill-paying at Dad's house from joint account dad and I had held. (I closed out account and sent exec checks to distribute the $ 4 ways per Dad's wishes and changed auto pay to bills mailed to Executor) I got no answer to letter except I saw every sibling cashed their check. I called a week later (when my sister was at work) and asked exec about ashes. That's when he told me matter of factly they had been spread a month earlier. And yes, my brother knew all along. I was the one who had to inform Dad's brother (my uncle) the ashes had already been spread. He also had not been notified, despite having visited the sister who spread them (the hysterical one) the week before it had been done. My uncle was as shocked as I was. Later I heard from my cousin (this Uncle's daughter) that they had heard through the grapevine that my siblngs found a road map of the state I moved to beside Dad's chair when he died (of course, I called him every day en-route, he was following our progress) This led them to blame me for dad's death.

I already know my family is 99% insane. I've never felt I belonged. Part of me is glad they are all now effectively gone from my life. The other part of me morally can't abandon even my crazy family. But I am also sick of being the doormat. (Can you tell, I'm the youngest sib?) One sister (the not crazy one) is also planning to move where I am. She's made calls to my brother on my behalf also to no avail.

Wanting to open a channel of communication, I wrote a letter in January asking my brother to send me my things. Asking the excutor for the written appraisal. Asking if the house had even been listed for sale yet (it's been vacant for 5 months, since back in Sept was when my brother was forced to take the items I'd wanted out of the house at exec's instructions) Asking my sister to explain why she spread the ashes w/out letting me know(even if it was to save me a flight, I could have had the moment in my heart/prayers if I had known the day and time. Even if it was she thought I somehow tried to sell my Dad's house before he died or I caused my father to die, why didn't she TALK TO ME first? What had I done to deserve this?) I did mention I felt betrayed. I further suggested that each person involved do the same thing: write questions, mail it 4 ways, receive questions, ANSWER THEM and mail it back 4 ways so everyone knows what everyone else knows. I mailed it 4 ways: 2 sisters, brother, executor. Even included several stamped envelopes to each. (I felt better once I collected my thoughts in one place)

BUT
Only my sister I'd had no disputes with called to agree she, too, wanted appraisal, and let me know taxes hadn't been paid and who I had to contact to pay mine. No answer from my brother. None. Executor sent out a letter to everyone saying (I quote) "I plan no further communication as long as the non-cooperation continues" (I suspect there's more to the story even just among the others that I do not know, so probably, yes, exec is stressed too.) I know executor job is hard. But not communicating --EVEN AS YOU HAVE SAID--is not the answer, right? The lawyer--I called him per your suggestion--has already stated he works for the executor and not the beneficiaries and he declined to get involved (can't blame him!)

So, effectively, I've done what you said except not in person. At present, I cannot fly home as my husband in October had to accept work away from home and I am a 'single' mom to 2 little kids (with dog problems, health problems, and equipment problems if you read my other posts). If that changes, who do I get 'in my corner' if not lawyer or exec--my brother used to beat my mom, sisters, and me, so I hesitate to confront him on my own in person. My husband has asked his brother to go with me. How would that be perceived?

So what do I do when the others won't EVEN TALK? (makes it hard to listen... )

Should I UPS an empty box and a call tag to my brother's house? Do I try to call to arrange a meeting--even by conference call--when it seems brother is call screening and lets machine answer 24 hrs day? Are letters somehow less communicative? I can see in my own writing above that my sister's way of handlng death is to be 100% hallucinatory, illogical, and hysterical, but doesn't she still owe me an apology when she's found out her error? Do I forget asking her why and just ask for an apology to show I am receptive to one? Or just drop it and let them all get away with it with no justification? And close the door on them?

Sorry this is wordy. It's a BIG load of cr--.

I am so sorry Wallabee. I think you misunderstood my intention. I was in no way trying to attack you. You said in one of your postings that you kept asking questions and weren't receiving responses. You said that you kept calling and emailing and you weren't getting any response. I will go back and reread all. Yes, I did notice this was bereavement. I have been through this myself many times and I was trying to give you an understanding of what might possibly be going through their heads to help give you a little insight into their way of thinking. I thought that you were trying to figure out why they were doing this and wanted help in figuring out how to proceed. As I said, I will reread everything. If I can clarify anything, I will. If I feel that I can help, I will try. If I feel that I cannot help and this is a problem beyond my capabilities, I will let you know. Again, I am so sorry you feel hurt by my answer. That truly was not my intention.

Thanks. I over-reacted. It was nice to hear a kind, thoughtful repsonse anyway. Forgive me, I am a mess. I felt compelled to lay out everything I can to see if anyone out there can tell me if it's ME going crazy or being too nice or if I'm OK. I KNOW I can't change anyone else but me. Trying to figure out what I can change about ME.

You know, I didn't read any of the technical questions you posted, just the two previous ones concerning executor and selling your portion of the house. I went back and read everything you have posted.

You are not crazy! My god woman! It is no wonder you feel like you are going crazy. You not only made a major move across country but you have businesses you are trying to build/rebuild, children to take care of, a husband who is traveling a lot, two dogs that are driving neighbors to get upset enough with you to call the police on you, family thousands of miles away who are not giving you answers and pointedly ignoring you,.

Stress hardly covers this!

In addition, you cared for your mother during her illness (being a caretaker is one of the hardest and emotionally draining jobs you can have), you finally make a move you have wanted to make for a while that is supposed to be a wonderful and positive thing in your life, and then your Dad passes away before you get yourself settled.

Frankly, I would start to feel like I am losing my mind too, and I would be angry at everybody. When I get so stressed out, I call it my "feeling like biting the heads off dolls" mood! You sound like you have hit that point too. I will meet you at the local children's store and we can go to town on the dolls. :) Just trying to make you smile a little bit here.

Wow. I really don't know what to say. This is something that is bigger than my capabilities. I have gone through a lot in my life. Nothing as intense as this all at once.

I don't know where you are living now but I think you may want to contact the local Family Support Services offices. I am not sure if that is what they call it in your area. Check the front of your large phone book carefully. Usually they give a number of different contact numbers. You need to find out where you can get free or very low cost bereavement counseling. Usually the government or local churches/synagogues have support groups. You need some talk therapy. You need to get all this frustration out. And, you need someone who is a qualified therapist who can help walk you through this and give you some constructive advice on how to heal and cope with all this. I did this at a time in my life when I really needed it. It really helped me get through the rough patch I had hit. Usually it is a once a week session that lasts for an hour or two so it won't be draining on your time. And, I can guarantee after each session you will feel just a little bit lighter mentally, when you go home.

I checked to see if there was an online therapy group but they all charge and I didn't like the sites I found. As you notice from askmehelp, this is a free forum. There isn't anyone here that is a licensed therapist. If you look at some of the answers some people give here, they are not as constructive as what you really need. You could receive some very damaging advice and I don't want that to happen to you. You don't need anything else that is going to stress you out any more than you are. One on one, face to face, is the way you need to handle this for yourself. Please give some consideration to what I am suggesting.

I hope this helps. I really am sorry for all this strife that has been thrown into your lap and onto your head.

I send you big hugs across cyberspace. The real Ruby Pitbull sends you big, wet, sloppy pitbull kisses!

Thanks. In some small way it helps just knowing this DOES seem like overload to someone else on the planet. Type therapy has worked well, too. Thanks for putting up w/ my long posts. It's sorted a lot out in my mind already. Appreciated your sticking with me.

You are welcome wallabee. I try not to give up when I see someone is genuinely in distress. I am glad we were able to clear the air and that this has made you feel a wee bit better. Any time you want to rant and rave, stop back to this post. I will get the update and "bite the heads off dolls" with you. :)