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    MaddZy's Avatar
    MaddZy Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Dec 2, 2014, 04:58 PM
    Death of mother and cousin 3 months apart
    As I'm writing this its been a year now going on 2 years that my cousin died tragically due to a drunk driver that ran him over.We were very close till I met someone and moved away.We were all raised as brothers and sisters so our bonds were very tight,I just can't seem to get over the way he died and that just 3 months after he died my mom passed away.I gave birth to my daughter Haley a few months after my mom died and she was born on the day my mum was born I couldn't stop crying when I went into labour because it was my mums first birtday away from me.How do you come to terms with it and how do you get yourself to stop thinking about it?My cousin got run over and his body was in pieces,his heart was on the frontseat of the car and his mom had to identify his body through a tattoo he had on his one leg and to top it all they let the guy free who ran him over because it was his first offence,why the hell is the justice systems so pathetic I mean if you steal you get 15 years but not if you kill someone horrifically you get off scott free or 1 to 2 years or not even they get you to do community services so they don't have to get people they have to pay!
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
    Ultra Member

    Dec 2, 2014, 05:36 PM
    Everyone grieves differently. Many people benefit from counseling because they can listen and give you some insight and suggestions for coping until yoare ready to move on. You have don't have to move on from your mom and cousin, but can move in from the trauma.

    It can be helpful to recognize that the guilty person is an alcoholic and paying a very high price in many areas of life, including knowing they killed your cousin. They may be free in terms if not being in jail, but will never be free of knowing what they did. I can't think of anything worse to live with. It may sound crazy, but maybe you could imagine yourself, going out with friends, thinking you were fine to drive, and killing someone. How would you feel about that? It is not excusable but if you can imagine being that person, you might be able to forgive and let go.

    As for your Mom, I would consider the baby her blessing, her telling you it is time now for you to be the mother. She is with you. We all lose our parents one day, and it is the nature of life. You lost yours too soon but she was the real deal, right? She did her job for you, right? Accept the blessing. Remember her life and remember the good times with her.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert

    Dec 2, 2014, 05:58 PM
    You can grieve in many ways. Don't let anyone tell you that time heals all wounds, or that you will find closure. The pain will change, and become part of a new you. Let grief wash over you. Two years isn't long!
    - You have your daughter to love, as was said above - her blessing.
    - You can use your anger at the justice system to fight for changes in laws.
    - You can build a little shrine for each person, a little tree planted, or a some flower bulbs, a bench next to them, or a shelf in your house with pictures and mementos and a candle, and plan something nice for special days that were theirs, like birthdays.
    - You can find or start a bereavement group. Listening to others and talking yourself can be a huge help. And you can feel good about helping another who is worse off than you, who isn't handling it as well as you, whose suffering is newer, and if there is anyone who is also angry at the justice system, you can work on laws together.
    - You can walk around talking to them. That's what I do. It's soothing and sometimes I even manage to laugh, at a good memory, or someone who reminds me of them.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,302, Reputation: 7692

    Dec 3, 2014, 12:15 AM
    Actually people who steal get no real punishment either, but that is not the real issue.

    After 3 years, you are still letting this effect you what appears seriously, My advice is to get into grief counseling or other professional help. Auto accidents happen all the time, I have a slight handicap because of one, and I have no ill will toward the other driver.

    How are others in the family dealing with this,
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855

    Dec 4, 2014, 07:43 AM
    Sorry for your losses, its very understandable how painful these traumatic events are in your life. I don't think any of us go through such times very well alone, nor is grief an easy process. Grief counseling may help you find the coping tools to relieve some of your pain, as you learn to do it for yourself, with the help, love and support of family and friends. In time you learn to celebrate the good times, by cherishing the memories of our departed ones, and not just mourn the losses.

    It does take time though to fully accept that transition, especially during anniversaries, and other events so closely tied to our loved ones. In time it gets better, as you get better, and handle things better. As you reached out here for help and support, reach out to a friend, or trusted person, who is a good listener, for help and support.

    Nothing like a real person who lets you vent and cry until you get it all out. Bet you know of such a person, and only need to tell them what you need. If not there are compassionate people who will understand and help you get what you need.

    Good luck.
    MaddZy's Avatar
    MaddZy Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Dec 5, 2014, 09:49 AM
    Thank you so much,it helps just by reading what others have to say,I guess I would feel better if tragedy hasn't struck so heavily,my mothers eldest brother died of ulcers that burst and I was small but I remember that night the whole bathroom was full of blood the floor and the bath then her 3rd oldest brother got shot 8times in the head and her second oldest brother had diabetes and I watched how worms ate him while he was still alive then his son died and my mother 3 months after his son... it just seems that the endings for my mothers part of the family just isn't pleasant,she has no family left except for me and my brother and her brothers children,I've been diagnosed with stress anxiety deppression you name it I am in between sick and feeling good 1 day after the other,I try to stay positive for my children but it always seem like my mind keep on wandering to why and I always look at other people and wish my family couldve been like that you know live long and grow old together,I am grateful that I had my mother for 29 years and I still have my dad but your dad just isn't your mother,I do see my daughter as a blessing and I Thank God for her everyday because whenever I feel sad I just look at her and everything seems better,Thank you once again I appreciate the response and I'm working on moving forward
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert

    Dec 5, 2014, 11:01 AM
    You look at other people and wish? Not my life, you don't. Or countless people here and everywhere. Were you orphaned as a baby? Did you watch your family get slaughtered or burned in fires or shot themselves in the head in front of you?
    I understand how depression works. I've struggled with it my whole life. I also know how you are the only one who can drag yourself out of it. Stress, anxiety, depression - 3 diagnoses everybody has, that are worth a cup of coffee, if you have a dollar.

    You OWE it to your child and dad to be glad that you had your mother for 29 years. How do you think they feel, worthless, unable to bring back your mother, unlovable because you would rather look backwards?
    Make it a project. Jokes help me. Many little techniques help me. Sure beats wallowing in that horrific feeling that elephants are trampling your lungs and heart. And medications? Useless, in my opinion. Some people find them useful with therapy. The side effects are worse than any piddling 'good' they do. Never did me one bit of good.

    Is this suddenly harsh, mean, uncaring? No. I care. I care enough to be a little tough.
    MaddZy's Avatar
    MaddZy Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Dec 5, 2014, 12:43 PM
    I don't think your harsh or uncaring at all,sometimes we as people need to hear reality so I give you my gratitude as I needed this,thank you so much,there are people worse off then me and I have a lot to be gratefull for.I have decided to let go and let be,what happened is done and can't be undone.My doctor perscribed meds for my anxiety but he told me the side effects will make me feel worse the first two weeks and I didn't drink it,I learn to manage it and for 2 years I didn't have it till my mom and cousin died,but hey if I could manage it once I can manage it again.I made peace with the fact that God took my loved ones because it was their time and God knows best come to think of it my mother suffered a lot she was also in a accident when I was a year old also run over by a drunk driver and she had to learn how to walk and talk all over again,so knowing she doesn't feel the pain anymore puts my heart and mind at ease.Thank you once again after reading your posts for the 1st time last night I fell asleep and slept like a baby and I don't mean waking up every 3rd hour like babies do I mean like a newly born baby lol I'm finding positive things to keep my mind busy.If I could hug you and thank you in person for your advise I would but for now big hugs and kisses :-)
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
    Ultra Member

    Dec 8, 2014, 09:52 AM
    I think it is a little harsh to tell someone grieving their mother and suffering mental illness that their troubles are basically worth a cup of coffee. Of course, whatever our travails in most life circumstances, someone could probably think of something worse. Does that mean our troubles are invalid? Are we insipid and self-centered to feel hurt by hurtful things, or experience grief over a substantial loss? Of course not.

    That said, it is true that permitting yourself to be consumed by grief for years over a natural part of life is a choice. You can choose to feel sorry for yourself for no longer having your mother - 29 is relatively young to loose your mom. But it is probably more what she would want, and makes a lot more sense, to be glad you had her and focus on what she taught you and on paying it forward to your other family members, and become the best you can to the people you love. Keep her alive by living your life well because you are her legacy. If you throw away your own life on grief, you are cutting hers short as well because we all live on through those who follow us in life - our children -and by those who remember us.

    As for your cousin, it was a tragic accident. That driver, though he/she was very negligent - criminally negligent certainly, I am sure did not mindfully set out wanting to kill someone that night. It is a tragedy but it happened, and it's over, and you will never understand the why of it. Again though, you can focus on this split second when the death occurred, or you can enjoy the family members you still have and say to yourself, "wow, life is precious - I better stop wasting mine on this endless grief cycle. I'm missing out on others, and they are missing out on me".

    We all go in our time but we have a choice of what we do with our lives until that time. We all lose people we love. I have a friend who is part of a family of 12 kids. He is only 45 and has lost 8 siblings and both parents already because he was the youngest. How does he handle all that loss He makes damned sure to give all he has to the three siblings he has left and to the other people he loves. He could sit home broken and crying, but he knows that is not the best use of his time. He remembers the lost family members with love but also tries to live in the moment and enjoy the people who are still here, fully.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert

    Dec 8, 2014, 10:37 AM
    'I think it is a little harsh to tell someone grieving their mother and suffering mental illness that their troubles are basically worth a cup of coffee.'

    HEY!!! Did I say that? NOT AT ALL!! I didn't include grieving in my statement about coffee, just the 3 diagnoses of stress, depression, and anxiety. They are often used as crutches to keep 'having' them, rather than living with them or even getting past them!
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
    Ultra Member

    Dec 8, 2014, 05:38 PM
    My opinion of the comment stands. A lot of people have a lot of illnesses and just because they are common does not make them easier or less important in their lives. These same conditions can be life threatening, so I do think the cup of coffee comment was harsh and flippant.

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