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redhed35 · Apr 6, 2009, 10:15 AM

My daughter died 18 months ago, she was 4 years old..
She had cystic fibrosis.

I was wondering if anyone out there was dealing with the overwhelming feelings of grief and how they are coping.

Regards, redhed35.

Cheriedow2006 · Apr 6, 2009, 12:51 PM

I am deeply sorry for your Daughter's passing, as I know your heart is sad. God bless you during this time and know that she is sitting at the feet of our beloved Lord right now basking in His glory and divine love. Pain for her is no more. What a blessing to know that she is with Jesus. My prayer for you and your family is that God gives you His peace that passes all understanding. Keep in mind that our greatest glory is when we are reunited in heaven.

JudyKayTee · Apr 7, 2009, 10:21 AM

Originally Posted by Cheriedow2006

I am deeply sorry for your Daughter’s passing, as I know your heart is sad. God bless you during this time and know that she is sitting at the feet of our beloved Lord right now basking in His glory and divine love. Pain for her is no more. What a blessing to know that she is with Jesus. My prayer for you and your family is that God gives you His peace that passes all understanding. Keep in mind that our greatest glory is when we are reunited in heaven.

Please keep in mind that not everyone on AMHD is Christian and the words you think are comforting may, in fact, be upsetting. Your beliefs may very well not be mine.

As far as coping - I lost a child some years ago. I lost my husband over a year ago. I find no two people grieve the same. Speaking only for myself, I still look at the faces of children who are approximately the same age my son would be today. That terrible, wrenching grief has passed but the pain has never really gone away. I have found that part of the grief of losing is a child is that "we" are supposed to protect our children - how could my child die? Was it my fault? It was not, of course, and sometimes life just happens, but I doubted myself, questioned myself, even blamed myself for a long time.

As far as my husband is concerned there are days, even now, when I can barely get out of bed. I also have good days. I just never know.

Sometimes I can talk about him, some days I cannot. I had an appointment today, the Doctor knew my husband, asked how I was doing - and I broke down in tears.

I have found that grief is a curve, up and down and around.

I'm so very, very sorry for your loss - time does make it easier but it takes a lot of time and it never goes away, that hole always stays in your heart.

But life does get better, even good, and eventually - I have found - you find yourself remembering your loved one and smiling.

redhed35 · Apr 7, 2009, 01:05 PM

When I look back at the person I was 18 months ago I don't reconigise her.. because my daughter was so ill I fought like a mad woman for her.. I didn't pull any punches with the medical team,I took no prisoners.I was determined, single minded ,and focused on her.. I refused to let a disease define her,and it didn't... in the end it defined me..

I found grief strips away everything within you,its like radiotherpy.The days where I just don't want to be are gone,not die - just not be.

I learned so much from my little girl,she fought for her life and suffered every day and still made me laugh with her funny made up stories.

She is still remembered in the hospital where we spent so much time,and her picture hangs in the playroom.Her memory inspires me to be a better person to show compassion and live and love life every day.

This skinny little blonde kid was my world,and I was hers,and I feel honoured that I was her champion,her voice and her mother.

JudyKayTee · Apr 7, 2009, 01:31 PM

And she was extremely honored to be your daughter. {{{ hugs }}

JudyKayTee · Apr 7, 2009, 01:34 PM

Originally Posted by Cheriedow2006

You may be the expert but it sounds like you could use some help with your grief. I suggest counseling. Losing a child would be the hardest thing in the world to deal with. My heart goes out to both of you.

I find it hard to believe anything I typed earlier would be upsetting to anyone.

And in your professional opinion, why do I need help with my grief?

You may find it hard to believe that your comments are not offensive but comments to non-Christians that their loved ones are with Jesus are most definitely not comforting - and are offensive (believe it or not). You posted something I found upsetting to non-Christians. You find it hard to believe. If I need grief counselling; you need sensitivity training.

Perhaps sensitivity will come along when you've posted more than 21 times.

ballengerb1 · Apr 8, 2009, 08:06 AM

I avoid giving people ratings of accurate or inaccurate when they are telling how they cope with a loss. It's their story and there is no right or wrong to it. When my daughter died part of me died too. I sought counseling when I felt my grief was keeping me from being who I used to be. That does not take anything away from my Expert status. What I am curious about is how your two negative ratings simply disappeared from your profile in the past few minutes.

Justwantfair · Apr 8, 2009, 08:14 AM

It is commendable that anyone Experts included open up about their personal experiences. This is a painful process and by sharing their experience they are not only offering sympathy but empathy as well.

I hope that the sharing of their grief helps to benefit the OP.

Peace by with you, redhed35 and your family. May you be granted some comfort in your grief.

JudyKayTee · Apr 8, 2009, 02:29 PM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

It is commendable that anyone Experts included open up about their personal experiences. This is a painful process and by sharing their experience they are not only offering sympathy but empathy as well.

I hope that the sharing of their grief helps to benefit the OP.

Peace by with you, redhed35 and your family. May you be granted some comfort in your grief.

Out of greenies - !

88sunflower · Apr 9, 2009, 12:00 PM

My eyes fill with tears thinking of your pain. I have a 5 year old son who is my life. Every day I fear something will take him from me. I feel for you so much and know you are being thought of at this very minute.

My mom lost 2 sons. She has never been the same. I don't think you find a way to get over the loss of a child. I think you find a way to deal with life without your child. Keep her memory alive.

stephygirl1989 · Apr 15, 2009, 08:51 PM

I feel where you are coming from. My little nefew passed away not too long ago... he was 26 days old.. let me tell you do I ever miss him. Although I did not get many memories with him. I remember the memories that I have. I can't lie it is hard but you take it one day at a time and always remember the things she did to make you laugh, the things you did to make her laugh and all the beautiful memories you are your daughter have shared.

And as for the christianity please this girl does not need people complaining she is here for help and advice not arguing between people who give her advice. Now it may have been offensive but I'm sure that if someone wrote that to me, they do not know the faith of the person they are writing to and in all compassions he or she did mean good out of it

JudyKayTee · Apr 16, 2009, 05:17 AM

I would suggest you post more than 4 times before you attempt to advise people how to respond.

I am not going to argue religion on this Board but I found the comment offensive. Comments about religion belong on the religion board, not here - but then, I've already said that. I was not alone and you will note that the person who continued to push those comments is no longer a member of the Board.

I have read your other posts. Perhaps you are clinically depressed. Perhaps correcting other people makes you feel better. I really don't know but you are out of line here.

And, please, no text speak.

And I am sorry about the loss of your "nefew."

redhed35 · Apr 16, 2009, 12:41 PM

I don't mean to offend anyone,but you hear so many versions of where your/mine, child is when they die that sometimes I want to scream at them.The intention is heart felt but comes from that persons personal belief.
After my daughter died I felt sacked from a job I had for 4 years,her treatment was intense and 24 hours a day.I decided to go back to work,and then a second job and then study.anything to fill the void.
I burned out.. and when the time came I had to face the fact that she was dead and my life had changed.
When talking to other parents who have lost children in different circumstances,they comment how far I have come.. think I'm just better at hiding it.I purge on friends and family.the good days I can think about her and smile,the bad days I can't even feel.the bad days I just let it happen,I know the tears will come and ill get relief,I enjoy the good days,and accept I'm doing my best.

ballengerb1 · Apr 16, 2009, 12:44 PM

I agree, a but do feel faith will help with grief. Faith has many meanings to many people and does not have to be any one orgnized religion, that's where wars start. My faith may have helped me but I will not tell people that they need to go to church or especially my church. What helped me may not help anyone ese.

redhed35 · Apr 16, 2009, 12:52 PM

True.. between you and me I believe she is safe,I have no basis for that,only a knowing?

JudyKayTee · Apr 16, 2009, 02:31 PM

And I think the grieving process is a mix of good days/bad days. I may have said that when my son died a GOOD day was when I got out of bed. Maybe I just got up and sat in the kitchen, drinking cup after cup of coffee, but at least I got dressed.

So sorry about your employment.

I agree with "Ballinger" - you find comfort where you can. If it's religion, that's wonderful. If it's something else that works, then that's good. I would also never preach my beliefs or suggest that they would work for anyone else.

It sounds like OP is doing as well as can be expected - it's a long process.

Everyone tells me I won't be healed (and this is upon the death of a spouse) until I get angry with him for "leaving" me. So far no sign of that, no thought of that - but I guess it's part of the process. I've never heard that when you lose a child.

redhed35 · Apr 16, 2009, 03:11 PM

You got a double whammy.when you lose a child you have the comfort of a spouse,even if its just to share a bad day or a good day,when you lose a spouse,a child can help bring some comfort,even just to hold.( I reread that bit,I don't mean to assume,I meant holding someone you love and who loves you)
Losing both,sounds beyond human endurance,and yet you stand.
Your strong.I respect that, finding the strength to stay standing.

Alty · Apr 16, 2009, 03:30 PM

Redhed, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost both my parents to cancer within 6 1/2 months of each other, and although that was devastating, I cannot imagine how much more devastating it would be to lose one of my kids. I don't know if I could handle it.

You obviously have amazing strength, and that alone will get you through, but, don't be afraid to show your weakness too.

I wish I could say that you'll be okay one day, but that's really not true.

You will be better, and you will continue. One day it will be just a dull ache instead of a burning pain, that I promise you.

So many times we post here on this site and don't realize that every person that comes here is going through something, or has gone through something. Every one of us has a story to tell, and one thing that never ceases to amaze me is the compassion of people that are, for all intents and purposes, complete strangers.

Big hug to you. I wish I could offer more.

JudyKayTee · Apr 16, 2009, 08:18 PM

Originally Posted by redhed35

you got a double whammy.when you lose a child you have the comfort of a spouse,even if its just to share a bad day or a good day,when you lose a spouse,a child can help bring some comfort,even just to hold.( i reread that bit,i dont mean to assume,i meant holding someone you love and who loves you)
losing both,sounds beyond human endurance,and yet you stand.
your strong.i respect that, finding the strength to stay standing.

And I respect you and ache for your loss - I honestly don't know which is the greater loss. It is almost against nature to outlive your children.

Your daughter was lucky to have you and you to have her.

Sometimes life just isn't fair.

lighterrr · Apr 19, 2009, 07:14 PM

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Redhed, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost both my parents to cancer within 6 1/2 months of eachother, and although that was devastating, I cannot imagine how much more devastating it would be to lose one of my kids. I don't know if I could handle it.

You obviously have amazing strength, and that alone will get you through, but, don't be afraid to show your weakness too.

I wish I could say that you'll be okay one day, but that's really not true.

You will be better, and you will continue. One day it will be just a dull ache instead of a burning pain, that I promise you.

So many times we post here on this site and don't realize that each and every person that comes here is going through something, or has gone through something. Each and every one of us has a story to tell, and one thing that never ceases to amaze me is the compassion of people that are, for all intents and purposes, complete strangers.

Big hug to you. I wish I could offer more.

Your post brought tears to my eyes and I do believe that some hurts and pains we suffer in this life never heal they just become bearable. Especially the loss of a child. People are always quick to say time heals all wounds, I Don't Believe IT DOES, time just allows you to manage the loss.

Red head thxx for sharing, and from the deepest corner of my heart I am truly sorry for your loss