My Daddy passed away yesterday afternoon. He was elderly and had been quite sick over the last few years. In recent days my Mother had made it impossible for me to see him. She went as far as to compile a "Do Not Allow" list for visitors at the hospital this week. I somehow ended up on the list. The night before he passed away I saw him for a few moments before the Nurse asked me to leave. All had been settled with an Attorney so that I could see my Daddy as we knew his time left was ever so slight. Unfortunately, I didn't get the OK until yesterday. He dies before I got to see him.

She has also taken it upon herself to no make any arrangements for services. She wishes to not mention any of their children or grandchildren in his Obituary. I am not the only one being shut out but I was the closest to him. At this moment I am awaiting a call from the Mortuary to let me know when I can see him before she buries him.

This all seems so unfair. She took his last moments away from me. Now she is taking my chances of seeing him ever away. I can't wrap my mind around any of it. How can a parent hate children so much to disallow them the opportunity to grieve? This behavior has been long standing with her. I was able to have a relationship with him without her influence. I am so thankful.

So now I sit here wondering how I will get past this. Not only have I lost my precious Father... I feel as if I am being forced to not get the chance to say goodbye to him before he is entered into the earth.

I am so angry with her. My anger is stronger than I feel I am. At least at the moment. I am perfectly OK with not being a part of her life. But I don't know if I can ever forgive her for cheating me of my time with him.

I just want the pain to pass. Have anyone else been in this awful position? If so please let me know how to handle this. I refuse to do anything that would bring disrespect to him. If that means I can't say goodbye for a few days I suppose I will have to wait.

I appreciate all advice.
L.A.

I am so sorry that you have to wait to say goodbye. If I were you and wanted to pay my respects to him, I would have a graveside ceremony with the rest of my siblings or family that wanted to particpate. I really don't think it matters the exact date. Just do it so thatyou can honor your father and have closure. As for his wife (your Mother?) what goes around comes around if she has tried to make others life hard for no reason then it will come back to her. Go honor your father and get on with your life... you know how you and he felt about each other and that is really all that matters. Relish the fact that no one can take your feelings of love for each other and destroy them. Your love will exist in your heart and memories. I wish you peace.

I agree with Bushg have a ceremony with everybody your mom excluded from his life.
It sounds like your mom is going to live a lonely life now since she has treated everyone this way. Someday she might wish she had you to turn to.

The service is a good idea but no matter how hard it is for you to do, invite your mother.
Don't stoop to her level.

When somebody cuts you out is it really stooping to their level or accepting they do not want you to be a part of their life?

Bushg, Nohelp4u and smearcase thank you for you responses. We have decided to have a time after his burial tomorrow afternoon for his family and friends she has excluded to say goodbye. I was fortunate enough to get an OK to see him tis afternoon. I will be able to have a little alone time to say the things I guess we all need to say when things reach this point.

As for inviting my "Mother" to the ceremony we will hold I just don't see that happening. I have gone out of my way to make sure there is no room for anyone to say I have be disrespectful in any of this. I don't want our goodbye to be tarnished by her presence which would ultimately be dramatic. He deserves better than that. So Bushg & Nohelp4u I feel the same way about her being at my ceremony. After all the fact that I am even having to resort to this is the same reason I need peace during my goodbye.

Thank you for your words of kindness and peace. I needed to hear a lot of what you said.

Blessings & Thanks.
L.A.

I am sorry, if there was no problem before, remember the loss of a love one sometimes makes us do things out of nature

Sweetheart, I am so sorry for your loss. I, too lost my Daddy, he was (and continues to be) my hero - truly the wind beneath my wings. (that song is only cheesy to people that don't have a real hero)

I can't tell you how to heal your heart, because the only thing that will help that is time. But even then, it takes a long time. It will be five years in November for me... it still feels like yesterday.

The one thing I can tell you about how to cope with your loss, the emptiness in your heart, the sorrow, and the actual, physical pain that you're feeling is to focus on the memories of your Dad. Focus on the things that made him the best Dad in the world, how he influenced your life to make you into who you are, the birthday cakes, the happy moments...

Because truly, your Mother can NEVER take away your remembrances. She can never taint your memory of him... nor can she ever change your love for him.

As you go through these next few days, it will seem like you're in a dream... like its not you... like you are an outsider looking into another person's life... Be strong.

You can do this. Your Dad would be proud of you.

What is the past family history? I notice that an Attorney got clearance for you to visit.

I am not saying in any way that this is the case with you but during my husband's final hospitalization his niece (his deceased brother's daughter) and my stepdaughter flew into town. The niece had not seen him in 10 years, the stepdaughter in 2-1/2 years. They both got half hysterical, actually clutching at my husband, crying, putting their foreheads on his chest, saying things like, "We'll meet again in Heaven. When you see Daddy, tell him I still love him," until one of the Nurses came down to the coffee shop (I left them alone with him) to get me.

I pretty much threw them out and banned them. After they left my husband wrote (he was on a vent), "Did the Doctors tell you I'm dying and you didn't tell me?" In fact, no, his chances were very bad but I never believed he was dying and until his final day the Doctors weren't sure.

Again - I don't know your family history or why you are not in the obituary or banned from the service but I do see why people are banned from the hospital.

Needless to say, the niece's/stepdaughter's versions of the event are so different from mine that my Attorney actually got sworn statements from the Nurses in the event this becomes a problem.

I'm truly sorry about your loss,I kind of know what your feeling right now I never had the chance to say goodbye to my dad I was 4 yrs old when he passed away so I was to young to really know.but now I'm older I feel so angry for not getting to say goodbye and there's not a day go by where I don't think of him! Think of all the good things you and your dad done and stay positive,I hope you get to say the goodbye that you deserve.