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    lazybass's Avatar
    lazybass Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 3, 2008, 10:52 AM
    My Dad died on new years day , I want Him Back
    Hi, this is the first time I've ever felt like this and needed words of comfort from a forum but here goes. My dad aged 59 died 2 days ago at 7am on new years day after going into hospital for what we thought was a liver infection. He had felt tired and looked slightly jaundice for about 2 months but refused to go doctors and had been working hard renovating a thatched cottage in Devon England with me and was adamant he would go doctors when it was finished anyway the last two weeks he found walking hard as it was affecting his chest so we finally got him to hospital that was the worst day of my life seeing him struggling for breath and after loads of blood tests doctors said he had a very serious chest infection so he went into intesive care, 2 hours later we were told that he had a type of blood cancer which had affected his imune system causing a chest infection within 2 hours I was sitting with him as he died. He was heavily sedated at the end but I kissed him and told him I loved him I just hope he heard. He was may dad and best friend all in one and I seen him and spent nearly everyday with him. I know its only 2 days but I feel I've had my heart ripped out and can't get my head round not seeing him ever again. I hope he's gone to a special place as he was unbelievably special to me and had had a terrible year of worry so didn't deserve this. Im male 34 with a partner who's been fantastic and 2 children my mum is here as is my brother 26 and sister 28 but we all feel so so bad. Me and my brother intend to finish his cottage for him as it was his dream to do so. I want him back and just wish I had got him to go doctors earlier. Will things get easier because thinking I have no dad for the next 40 odd years is the worst thing imaginable. Thanks if you took the time to read this and relpy.
    life1973happened's Avatar
    life1973happened Posts: 322, Reputation: 109
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    #2

    Jan 3, 2008, 05:50 PM
    Good evening lazybass...
    I am so sorry for your sudden loss. I can sit here, as I type and know how broken you feel right now. The pain of having somebody you love so much being taken away has you feeling lost, angry, fragile, scared, extremely sad and alone.

    If I could somehow take away the pain anybody would ever have when it comes to the death of a loved one, I would. But I can't, nobody can. I know you already know that. I know right now you feel like you are in the middle of the ocean and you are drowning. Nobody is around, you can't see land. As you look up the clouds are black and heavy, the waves crash harder around you and you have no life vest. You are yelling out, screaming for help. Wishing you were anywhere then where you are right now. Am I close?

    I know that pain, all too well. That sadness you feel and hopeless feeling you have is coming from the thought that nobody can help you. Nobody can take that pain you have in your gut, that knot in your throat, and that feeling that you are having a heart attack, go away.

    When I read your post it was clear that you are a strong person. You have to be because you are here reaching out for all of us to hear you. Guess what sad one? We hear you and we can help you in numerous ways. We can share our personal stories, we can listen to yours, you can sign on when you just want to listen to some of us banter back and forth, or you can post anytime and we will be here to listen.

    And guess what? As many others can tell you one day, when you least expect it, those storm clouds will clear. The waves will calm and the sun will shine. It will not be easy and everyday is a different kind of battle. We don't judge on here, you can be as moody as you like and somebody will still listen.

    It's okay to feel this pain, it's so sudden and still so new. You have to be in shock and trust me there is no time restraints put on that. However, what you didn't lose, and can never be taken from you, are all those wonderful memories you have of your father.

    Please don't make the mistake I did. I thought I should be able to handle this experience on my own. But this is when you need friends, family and even strangers the most. I kept my pain, and still do, very very private. I do this because it hurts too much to think about it. However, it only makes it worse, much worse. I found myself angry at people involved, cutting ties with almost all that knew. I began sleeping so rarely because each time I would close my eyes my nightmares would grow more intense. I played the blame game, the guilt game and everything in between.

    And you what? It didn't help and it didn't make it all go away. So do as you are now by reaching out to anybody who will listen. You have found a wonderful site. There are so many wonderful people on here who will share some helpful ideas, ways to help you heal, some will make you smile and others will make you cry.

    Just remember they are here, we are all here, and we care...
    shygrneyzs's Avatar
    shygrneyzs Posts: 5,017, Reputation: 936
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    #3

    Jan 3, 2008, 06:03 PM
    I am terribly sorry that this has happened to you. You had no way of knowing your Dad was that ill and he was not telling anyone either. Please do not blame yourself.

    You ask if this gets easier. Yes, it does. But it is not easy, no, it is not. You have a strong family relationship and that is going to sustain you and your family. Relying on others to help you through this sudden death is going to be a vital key part of living. My own Father died 11 years ago and there are times I am not still completely "over" his death. But I do believe this life held nothing for him anymore with as sick as he was.

    Please allow yourself the time to grieve. Honor the memory of your Dad - finishing the cottage is a great way to do that. He will be encouraging you and your brother as you work on the cottage. There are always going to be something special in that cottage, about that cottage.

    I know this is really too soon but please think of getting to a support group for grieving. If you cannot find one in your area, there is GriefNet - an online support group - GriefNet - A Community of Persons Dealing With Grief, Death, and Major Loss@griefnet.org There are other online support groups but I believe GriefNet is one of the best. You need to be able to talk to people and allow others to minister to you.

    You and your family will be in my prayers. Take care.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7692
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    #4

    Jan 3, 2008, 06:16 PM
    I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words that I or anyone can say today that will really help with your loss, I understand completely. But as the grief and pain slowly stops, the loss will of course always be there.

    But the big part is to always remember the great parts of his life, and to live your life as a honor to that memory, since as long has his memory lives in and though you, it never really ends.

    Perhaps a little memorial on the home ( maybe the part of the house he was last working on) as a longer living reminder of what he meant to many I am sure.

    And I am sure he is in that better place and you will most certainly see him on a much better day in the future.

    My prayers will be with you and your family.
    lilred40's Avatar
    lilred40 Posts: 35, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Jan 3, 2008, 06:20 PM
    Lazybass, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sure your father heard you tell him you loved him, even though he was sedated (sp) Back when I was 16 (25 years ago) I stayed with my grandmother for a few weeks. Her and I were very close. I had gone back home one Saturday evening, and got a call the following Friday that she was in the hospital, not expected to make through the night. Of course, I went hauling tail to the hospital. I sat on her bed with her, for several hours, talking, caressing, telling her how much I loved her, etc... I can still remember what her last words were to this day... "Rhonda please get me a cup of coffee, and be a good girl, because I'll be watching over you". She passed 20 minutes later. She didn't get that cup of coffee, cause the nurse didn't get it to us in time, but I did get to tell her I loved her. I set back and look through photo albums, and see her and my Pop-Pop's (grandpa) pictures and remember all the wonderful times I had with them. I do cry when I look at the pictures, but there happy tears. Don't remember how you seen your father those last few days/weeks of his life, remember the way he use to be... fishing trips, ball games, vacations, how great a father/husband he was, etc...

    I think it's a wonderful idea that you and your brother are finishing that cabin for him. He would have wanted you to, I'm sure.

    Keep your family close now, for you all need each other at this time.

    Keep talking, that's what we're all here for.
    CaptainRich's Avatar
    CaptainRich Posts: 4,492, Reputation: 537
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    #6

    Jan 3, 2008, 06:26 PM
    I, too, feel for you and what has happened. There is little to be said that would be of comfort right now.
    I would think your father agrees.
    He did what little he could do to calm you before he parted. I tend to think he'd rather not dwell on the negative and focus on life around himself.
    I also think he felt you near him as he weakened. He may not have answered that day but you'll be surprised how he'll make you proud of not only yourself, but of him, too. I don't think you are going to be without him in the coming days and years... you will hear his words and his laughter periodically. You may not be able to shake his hand or give him a hug, but I have a feeling he's going to be by your side for a very long time. Giving you support and unseen guidance. If you hold your head up, you'll make him proud, too. You'll probably even feel him smile...
    P.S.: can we have some pictures of the cottage when you get done with it? Thanks!
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,299, Reputation: 5646
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    #7

    Jan 3, 2008, 06:30 PM
    LB, I am so sorry for your loss. I can truly feel your pain, as I am still getting over the loss of my father one week past his birthday this summer. There are truly no words that can express our sadness, and there are no words that we can say to help make this experience easier on you.

    Although you hear it time and time again, I can assure you that time does heal. He will always be with you, if you let him. I talk to my father on a daily basis and feel his presence.

    LB, it's important to remember the good things in your past, funny times that you shared, the happiness that you brought to each other. He will always be alive through your memory, keep him with you at all times.

    It is good that you are going to finish the cottage. That will be a place you will hold dear in your heart and always feel close to him.

    Family is very important right now, but please do remember, that with time, it does get easier.
    loonybin48's Avatar
    loonybin48 Posts: 11, Reputation: 2
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    #8

    Jan 3, 2008, 06:48 PM
    Aww hun, I feel for you so much,I cannot say I know how you are feeling about your Dad as I still have mine, but I know how much I still hurt losing my Nan a whole year ago xmas day.I hope time is a healer, I think that you learn to live with the physical pain that comes from such terrible grief rather than get over it... I have to say that my mum made a memorial page online and I am sure its helped us all so much.My ten year old daughter regularly goes to light a candle on there or leave a memory she has remembered.Its called "gonetoosoon" .Maybe not yet but when you feel stronger,have a look. I am thinking of you, we are similar ages and I cannot imagine how life goes on in your situation,but it does hun. Take care xx
    stonewilder's Avatar
    stonewilder Posts: 420, Reputation: 99
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    #9

    Jan 3, 2008, 07:48 PM
    I wish there was something I could say to make your pain go away, but I know from losing my own Dad last year that having your dad back is the only thing that will make the pain go away.
    George_1950's Avatar
    George_1950 Posts: 3,099, Reputation: 236
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    #10

    Jan 3, 2008, 08:48 PM
    Dear lazybass: I want to offer you my condolences and those for others who, for many reasons, may not be able to express to you their sorrow for your loss. You said he was both your Dad and best friend, and that is a wonderful description of someone who meant so much to you. Please understand that there are many who will read your note who believe that you will see and be with your Dad again. The feelings you have now are so fresh and real, your sense of loss intense; but hour by hour, and day by day, you will be strengthened by your family and friends, and by the wonderful memories you have for him. We all feel and want to share your sense of loss and pray for God's continued blessings for you and your family at this time.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,318, Reputation: 10854
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    #11

    Jan 4, 2008, 04:41 AM
    My deepest sympathy for your loss lazybass, as I too Lost my father at around your age, and we did work together also, And we had become best friends, so I know how you so miss him. Know he is in a better place, now with no more pain, and let the memory of his strength, and love comfort you and guide you through your life. Share that strength and love, with your family and may you all have comfort.
    BMI's Avatar
    BMI Posts: 892, Reputation: 270
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    #12

    Jan 4, 2008, 08:34 AM
    I am sorry for your loss lazybass.

    I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you. My father was diagnosed with cancer last year and is undergoing treatment for it, just the thought of him not being around scares me to death.

    I think it important to reach out to people in this sad time, don't ever look back and say I wish I could have said this and that to him, he knows what you would have said if you could, please believe that.

    It's o.k to be scared and shaken, I can't imagine anyone not being in a situation like this. Hold on to the thought of your father and carry that around with you, I really do believe he is still your best friend and he always will be. We are just visitors here, all of us, time takes who it wants and does not explain why. ONe day it will all make sense to you, to all of us, this life and what it is for.

    Lastly, my Aunt died a couple of months ago and I thought I would share this with you. I visited her every week, even though we did not speak the same language, I just sat there and smiled. She died suddenly, my next visit to her was to be the very next day. I sat and cried as my sister said she was gone, I was in shock having seen her 4/5 days earlier sitting in the chair staring, and now an empty chair. My sister said not to come to see her, as she just passed away and the doctor was on his way. She said Zia is gone, keep the memory of her sitting in her chair and do not come to see her like this. She also mentioned that her last words were mommy, and then Jesus. That made me cry, but not out of grief but out of joy, and I know they wait for us once our time here is fulfilled.

    God bless you and your family.
    fisk's Avatar
    fisk Posts: 147, Reputation: 5
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    #13

    Jan 4, 2008, 01:39 PM
    Lazybass,

    First of all, I'm really sorry. I know it's a phrase you hear a lot and that it doesn't really make things better. I have lost my mum when I was 10 years old(I'm 21 now). She was sick/tired for a while, then finally had some blood tests and in 4 days she was dead. So I can totally understand how you feel. Perhaps I was just a little child, but a girl needs her mum just as much as a grown up needs his dad. I have also lost my grandfather last year, and was devastated, as we were very close. I know how it feels like to hurt because you think that you won't see that person for the rest of your life. And how it feels to miss someone. And I have to be honest, it will hurt for a while. Actually, time does make things better, but I have to be honest: it will always hurt, the pain will will simply be less... strong. You will learn to live with it as part of your reality.

    What you can do is to hold on to people who are close to you-your family and friends. And just talk about it-keeping it inside is the worst thing you can do(I did it for lots of years and believe me, its not good). Also, you should be happy about the good moments you had with your dad. Try to think of them and smile-I know its hard now to do that now, but you'll get there in time.

    Unfortunately we lose some people earlier than expected. But we must be strong enough to hold on to the ones that are still here. I know I feel happy and thankful for having a great dad and family that supported me during the years.

    This is all coming from my personal experience and I don't know if it will help you. The one thing you can do is to give yourself time. Remember that its OK to feel sad.
    daddysgirl77's Avatar
    daddysgirl77 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Aug 14, 2008, 03:01 PM
    I know exactly how you feel...

    Last November I found out my father had pancreatic cancer with spots on his liver and lung. It knocked me out of the park. My father has always been "the man" and I was sure he'd even outlive me. I found myself Jan 30 in a hospital room holding my fathers hand in disbelief. Pneumonia had set in and we now had to taken our beloved dad off life support. I still wonder what the f** happened and am still very mad,sad,lost,hurt. He was my best friend and the most wonderful father anyone could ask for. Im 29 and feel as though I have been reduced to a lost 5 year old. I;m not too sure what to do or think either...
    George_1950's Avatar
    George_1950 Posts: 3,099, Reputation: 236
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    #15

    Aug 14, 2008, 03:10 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by daddysgirl77
    I know exactly how you feel....

    Last November I found out my father had pancreatic cancer with spots on his liver and lung. It knocked me outta the park. My father has always been "the man" and I was sure he'd even outlive me. I found myself Jan 30 in a hospital room holding my fathers hand in disbelief. Pneumonia had set in and we now had to taken our beloved dad off life support. I still wonder what the f** happened and am still very mad,sad,lost,hurt. He was my best friend and the most wonderful father anyone could ask for. Im 29 and feel as though I have been reduced to a lost 5 year old. I;m not too sure what to do or think either.....
    Welcome to AMHD. Very sorry for your loss - perhaps your first post will be placed as a new thread, perhaps not. May I suggest: start a chronological diary of your recollections beginning with the earliest; and as each memory comes back, record them in the diary; along with family pictures. It will be your own great book.
    lazybass's Avatar
    lazybass Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Sep 5, 2008, 06:36 AM
    Hi, I just like to thank everyone who helped and advised me after the death of my dad, it's now been just over 8 months without him. I'd like to say that I'm much better in myself but that would be lying, I have not been able to work since this putting a strain on my partner but I can't help it. I feel depressed all the time and still constantly miss him. People say I should be feeling better but I feel worse. He died on new years day so I'm not looking forward to xmas time, I was at the hospital with him on new years eve hearing the fireworks going off so dread hearing them this year. Im trying to be strong for my children and mum especially but I seem to hate my life at this present time. Life can be so cruel and you do sometimes wonder why we are born if we have to go through so much pain when we lose someone so close.
    In Sorrow's Avatar
    In Sorrow Posts: 82, Reputation: 5
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    #17

    Sep 7, 2008, 07:33 PM
    I feel for you my friend, losing a parent is never easy. I just lost my mother on July 25th and I also want her back. I have been praying for her spirit to come to me, but so far it has all been in Vain. I miss her more than anything. She died at the age of 84 I am 47 years old, and I wish she were here with me right now, but healthy and not sick as she was. She was a Dialysis patient for 4 years for failing kidneys, then she lost her mobility to walk, developed Gangerne and got her half of her right leg amputated. About a week after that she also could not breath and was struggling for breath, and was taken to the ICU Room. When I went there she was unconscious, and her hands were ice cold, but her face was still warm. She died 3 hours after I left in the ICU Room.

    My life has not been the Same I cry all the time, and no matter what I do I just cannot shake this Grief and also now I Fear my own Death which can happen at any time. Struggling for breath is not easy, I know because I had Asthma back when I was 19 years old, and it was awlful. I am afraid to Die from struggling for breath and doing that horrible Death Rattle that people do upon dying.

    My friend my Heat goes out to you, there is no way to Cure Grief, and Sorrow and fears, they just don't go away. I am still suffering and will be for the rest of my life.
    Kathy32's Avatar
    Kathy32 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Jun 7, 2009, 06:52 AM
    Hi there: My deepest sympathy to you. I'm going through this right now. My dad was my best friend. He spent every day with my little girl and I and on May 29th he was rushed to hospital in the morning suffering a heart attack. He had been fine all day before and all week before (no warning) and within an hour he was gone :( I miss him more then I can tell you and I feel lost and empty inside. I can't begin to imagine my life without my dad because he was such a strong part of the life I live with my husband and daughter. The funeral service was very hard and I'm glad that part is over... but I'm wondering if things will ever feel good for me again...

    I understand exactly what you are feling :(

    So sorry

    Kathy
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    vacanteyes Posts: 25, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Jun 7, 2009, 06:25 PM
    I lost my father a week after you did "lazybass" and in the drama, turmoil of the past year I guess I stayed away from the computer. I'm so sorry for everyone else's loss that posted here as well. I know exactly how you feel, my dad was my everything. I have a pretty dysfunctional family and my dad was the last of the bunch that actually liked me for me. There was an aunt and cousin years before and they hurt, they hurt bad but nothing like losing my dad. He was more than best friend, he was my "man", being divorced twice and resigned to being alone, I had no problem with him being the only man in my life. He went to hospital 12-21 for test had cardiac arrest, resuscitated and was on respirator for 23 days, then passed. My family flew to midwest to take him home and somehow I became violently ill and was unable to attend his service. I don't know if I'd be any better with this if I would have been able to go, I think not. I did go to cemetery the following day and say goodbye. His 'birthday' was 3 months after he died, I was drug out of my self-inflicted isolation of my bedroom, drank too much and ended up with fractured pelvis and 2 displaced discs in my back. Stayed in my room the rest of the year basically, Christmas came and went, I couldn't 'celebrate" with my family, it was too hard. The year before we postponed Christmas until dad got out of hospital and he never did. I've passed his 1 year anniversary in my room alone and again his birthday in my room alone. I still sleep with his finger monitor under my pillow {I stole off him when he died} and his ashes next to my bed. I think there are some days where I might not think of him, but they are few and far between. I've done a great disservice to my kids spending all this time alone in my room, although I dragged myself out to have a semi-Christmas for them, as well as their birthday's but that's about all I can muster. It's a year now, I don't feel any lighter. I tell myself all the time he's sooooo much better off. I see an elderly person with problems and KNOW that he'd never want that kind of life {he was 66} and it gives me a little strength. I've had 2 dreams about him, both were him trying to communicate to me that he is happy. I got a tattoo that said simply dad, and his essence must have come through the tattoo guys hand because its dad's signature! My older daughter went to a psychic who told her wonderful things about my dad being with his mom, happy and that he loved and was proud of me. These are all things that should help, and they do help my head. Though my heart, my will, my strength, my touchstone to my earthly existence is gone. I guess that one word sums up everything for me; gone. Life as I have always known it is gone, my daddy is gone.
    Theresa1975's Avatar
    Theresa1975 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #20

    Jan 5, 2010, 05:41 PM
    I lost my dad Dec 9 2009, he had a bad cough and congestion which turned into pnuemonia, we all had no idea he was as sick as he was. On Nov 30 2009 I called the ambulance and he was taken to the hospital, he had a seizure and his kidneys stopped functioning. He was placed in the intensive care unit on a respiratory. I visited him every day even though he was under and probably not aware I was even there. On Dec 9 2009 my mom was called from the hospital and was told that his heart was in arrythmia and to come to the hospital. She called me at work which I was 5 min away. I walked into the hospital to be told that he was gone. I still can not believe this, he was very close to me and my son who will be graduating next school year. He always seemed very healthy, he was teaching my son to drive and just on Nov 22 2009 he was at my home watching us put up lights which he loved to do and was instructing me as I went laughing cause I had to many sets plugged in together. We then went out to eat afterwards. Two days before he went to the hospital we were at a Christmas tree lighting and he did seem really sick. I told my mom to call his doctor that I thought the treatment he was under was not working. The next day she did call and the doctor reassured us to continue the treatment which was Robatussin with codine and amoxacillin. The next day he was really getting bad and mom called me which I stopped in and called the ambulance. He went into the hospital 11-30-09, and died 12-9-09. When he got to the hospital he was diagnosed with strepdoccol pnuemonia, no kidney function. I watched my father who was normally always healthy exist on a respiratory. He went into cardiac arrest and was unable to be resusitated. I can't help wondering what did I miss, he was the type not to want to go to the hospital. I wish I would have made him go sooner. I feel lost, in shock, angry for not doing something sooner. I blame everyone and myself daily. I am a 34 woman, I have one brother I am the
    Oldest. Now my two boys and my brothers two children have no pappy and I have lost the one person who always seemed to think of me no matter what. He had my back. What am I to do now? I just also lost my grandfather in 2008 which I was extremely close to as well as my children. I feel that I have lost everyone now. My mom is all I have left and has always been closer to my brother. My life will never be the same.

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