What would be better for you?

Do we know anything more about them? Character? Personalities? Countries they live in? Employment? Do they know each other?

That's not an easy decision for an adult to make. I grew up with my parents, and I had a great childhood. If one of them weren't around, I'd still want to be raised by the other one. I'd never trade them in for new parents.

But that's because I know their personality, I grew up with them, I love them.

A baby can't make this choice, it's up to his/her parents to make that decision based on what's best for baby, and what's best for the single parent.

The question deals ONLY with single parenting versus adoption.

The question deals ONLY with single parenting versus adoption.
There are too many variables at work in this question. It isn't an either/or situation. A human life is at risk. Please reread Alty's response above.

Who are you asking, is what I'm asking you.
Since I am 70 years old, this is hypothetical.
I had a pretty awful mother. Everyone in my small town knew it. One day a woman I babysat for told me out of the blue that I could live with her, her husband, and their kids. Very nice family. I thanked her and never brought it up with her or anyone, not even myself. I loved my dad, although he was distant and at work all the time. It was more comfortable to be miserable.

In the hypothetical? I would imagine a loving single mother and want to stay with her. IT DEPENDS ON THE MOTHER, NO???? Whether she is loving and responsible as a parent, no matter how poor, vs. a drug addict prostitute who leaves you alone for days or whose string of drug dealing boyfriends rape you?

This is starting to make me angry in the 'why don't you get it' category.
If this is a survey for a paper in school, I would drop it.

A child can be raised either way and there is never such a choice, The only way you are raised by adoption is if the parent gives up the rights or have them taken away. If taken away then it is better.

So the question is mute and has no reality value

You can't really answer this question. If you had/have a miserable childhood, you would probably say adoption. However, if you have a great upbringing, you might say parents. I doubt there are many parents who haven't heard, "You are terrible, you don't understand me, I can't wait to leave here"!

JOYPULV, it's just for me. Thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your answers. I only wanted to know whether fatherlessness would be perceived as something more tragic than being raised by two parents, but unrelated ones.

Then you need to find people who actually grew up in either of those situations.

There are a lot of people who grew either adopted or raised by a single mother and their experiences differ, obviously. But I was wondering what would be THEORETICALLY better.

The one with good parenting, which can be either.
That's why your question as stated cannot be answered.
What is the purpose of theoretical in a question of this sort?
There are many books and studies done on single parenting. Yes, a very well adjusted and happy child can be raised by a single mother. The mother CAN fill in as a father figure, or provide one with relatives, or teachers and friends can fill in. It does take skill and understanding. And most children wonder at some age about who their biological father is or was. But that doesn't have to hamper a good life. It depends, it depends.

I know that people's experiences will differ, but I simply like reading about - forgive me - imperfect family structures and how the now adult children perceived their childhood.

Why would you say or what is the reason you believe that any family relationship is "imperfect". A single parent family is just that a family, it is different from one where it is just father or just mother. Or where it is a divorced or where it is a gay or lesbian family. It is different if is a rich or a poor family. It is different if it is a farm, villiage or city family.

If the children have to work feeding animals and helping on the farm, of if they spend the evening playing video games.

Then move to international where in China for example, 80 percent of children in JR high and high school live at the school, not home.

Or families where mom and dad work and the child is actually raised by grandparents or older siblings.

There is no such thing as a "normal family".

I agree, there is no perfect, or imperfect family structure. They are all unique to the people in them, so there is no one size fits all for NORMAL. Are you asking this question, and your other one, because of your own situation?

It certainly sounds like you need support and clarity for whatever you are going through.

Care to share?

No, it's a theoretical question. I'd like to know if the lack of the father (as it's usually the mother who gets custody) detrimental to a child's emotional well-being.

The question deals ONLY with single parenting versus adoption.

There are already some great stories out there, as there are some very sad ones too. What's your story, so we can get some idea of your feelings, or is this a poll you are taking? More info and feedback from you will get you more info and feedback from us.

It can and has been for many, but at the same time there are many who have thrived greatly without a father being in there lives.

No, it's a theoretical question. I'd like to know if the lack of the father (as it's usually the mother who gets custody) detrimental to a child's emotional well-being.
From my observations of friends and relatives who have raised children in non-traditional situations, an absent father is not necessarily detrimental to a child's well-being. Now, pull up a chair and I'll tell you horror stories about the emotional upsets of children in two-parent (husband-wife) families.

Karolina, you remain just as confusing as before.
You start out wanting to 'hear how the now adult children perceived their childhood.' Then further down you insist that this is a theoretical question.
We have all tried to convince you that this is NOT theoretical.
To make it theoretical, you have to find one group of adults raised by single mothers, and another group raised some other way. (Yesterday it was adoptive parents.)
You look for key elements of their responses to see if you can draw conclusions about them that allows you to postulate a THEORY.

If your goal now is to simply hear about 'imperfect family structures,' then you are really just a voyeur in people's problems, and it is downright creepy.
I thought the request by someone to tell us what it is you want out of this, something about yourself, then we can put you in some sort of context.
Otherwise.... I'm out of here.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone. I am just trying to accumulate as much information as possible. No-one owes me his or her story, though.

My life is irrelevant here, really.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone. I am just trying to accumulate as much information as possible. No-one owes me his or her story, though.

My life is irrelevant here, really.
No one is offended! Haven't you been reading our responses to you?

I thought Joypulv is sick and tired of my questions and wishes I explained why I'm posting them. :) Thanks for all replies.

Theoretically are both prospective parents able to raise a child, love a child, give it a good home?

You can't know what the adoptive parents will be like, just because they choose to adopt doesn't mean they're going to be good parents. I have a friend that was adopted as a baby, his adoptive parents were a nightmare. His mom was okay, but not great. His father was an abusive alcoholic. Even though his birth mother was only 14 when she had him, he often said that he would have rather been raised by her, but then he never met her, so he can't say life would have been better for him if she had kept him.

It's all hypothetical, and that's why we can't answer this question. No one can. It all depends on the biological parent, and the adoptive parents, and we can't determine what either set would be like as parents.

No, Joy isn't sick of your questions, she's frustrated because of how your questions are presented.

This can't be a theoretical question, and it can't be a hypothetical one, especially with the number of times you've asked it.

This is a Q&A site, we get many questions about family situations, but we need more info in order to help. You post your questions as if they're for a term paper, research, and yet you post them more than once, seem like you urgently need an answer. You're investing a lot of time and effort into asking this question and getting answers, but you're not giving us enough to go on when giving an answer.

I think that based on the vagueness of your questions, you've gotten great answers. So, if there's a reason you still need more, then you're going to have to give us more to go on. Do you understand where we're coming from?

Actually, I hoped for some personal stories. How people estimate their own childhood, etc.

Ya, no thanks. I have no desire to share my personal story just because you're curious. Also, I'm going to ask that the mods move this thread. This forum is about parenting questions. If you're just wanting a discussion, a chat, then it should be moved to a chat forum.

Good luck.

Theoretical, personal stories, theoretical, personal stories.
First I was frustrated and a bit angry. Now I find this sad.
You don't get what anyone is saying.
You don't understand theoretical.
You don't respond to any questions.
You go back and forth and repeat yourself.
Is there a chance that this is actually VERY personal? If so, please say so, and maybe people will feel more giving.

We have 2 adopted grandchildren. One from Guatemala and one from the Midwest. We went to Guatemala for a wedding of a very well connected family who was able to find the home of the grandchild. Believe me,he is far better off in Mooresville ,NC with our daughter. Our other grandson came from a family who chose adoption over abortion. What a smart 12 year old. So, it is very hard to take one position over the other. All life is precious, raised by a single parent or adopted.

JOYPULV, I do read what others say. And I said I appreciate all replies.

Key elements of your questions, in order:
1. Would you rather be raised by your single biological mother or by an adoptive couple?
2. I only wanted to know whether fatherlessness would be perceived as something more tragic than being raised by two parents, but unrelated ones.
3. ....and their experiences differ, obviously. But I was wondering what would be THEORETICALLY better.
4. I simply like reading about- forgive me -imperfect family structures and how the now adult children perceived their childhood.
5. No, it's a theoretical question.
6. Actually, I hoped for some personal stories.

If you can't see how you are going back and forth between theory and actual personal stories, I don't see how anyone can offer much. Some have kindly offered personal stories, but none about themselves growing up in either way you ask about.

Please tell us, how were YOU raised? Please tell us, are you thinking about adopting? Please tell us, are you or someone close to you thinking about raising a child alone, or giving one up? Revealing personal stories is a TWO WAY STREET.

JOYPULV, the problem is my two questions were merged into one. That's absurd but what can I do? I am new on this forum. So you are wrong about me saying that I go back and forth. My answers came from two different posts. I don't know how it happened. When I asked what it is like to be raised by a single parent, it was about practice. When I asked, what people would choose for themselves, it was theory.

My life is meaningless here. I asked because I'm reading about adoption and single motherhood in US. I noticed fatherlessness is a big issue now in USA. And I noticed that some agencies and Christian sites are advocated of adoption because "every child need a mom and a dad". To me, a loving bio mother is better than two loving but unrelated people (or even related but not parents), not matter her age or financial situation. But when I asked this THEORETICAL question, some people said they would choose an adoptive couple. Still learning...

The thing is, what people would choose for themselves isn't theory or theoretical, it's based on their life experience, the parents they had, their childhood. It's not at all theoretical.

What people would choose for an unplanned pregnancy, also isn't theoretical, because people know themselves, know what their choice would be. They may have to think about it, may change their minds a few times, but most people that have an unwanted, unplanned pregnancy, have a pretty good idea what they're going to choose to do with that pregnancy, and it's not always the right choice.

Now, do I think, theoretically, that a single young mother is better than adoptive parents? That's not a question anyone can easily answer. Is the single mother able to provide for the child financially? Is the single mother able to properly care for the child? Does the single mother want this child? Are the adoptive parents able to provide for the child financially, care for the child, love the child as their own? Every person is different, every situation is different, which is why this question can't be answered theoretically, it has to be about facts based on each individual case.

Oh, and your questions were merged because they were the same question asked in different ways. It's best to ask once, and stick to one thread for answers.

No, these questions differed. It's one thing to ask about someone's experience, and the other to ask about a hypothetical situation.

The titles differed, but you went back and forth between personal and hypothetical within each one. I wish I could reconstruct them.
There's just something strange about your wish to have people spend their time giving you a glimpse of their lives to a total stranger for no reason other than the fact that you like to read about 'imperfect families' or whatever the phrase was.
We have tried and tried to tell you that it depends, it DEPENDS.
If you want to spend a year studying US statistics (or any other country) of social trends based on single parenting vs adoption, and try to formulate a theory and some conclusions, feel free to do so. Or, go to the library and find books on the subject. There are conservative and religious groups who love to write about the downfall of society and how fatherless children play a role.

If you just want to hear what for many people are sensitive recollections, often painful, with nothing in return, then you are barking up the wrong tree.

I said no-one owes me a story. But there are places on the Net where people share their experience gladly. And if they are not willing to do so, they say nothing.

I read some articles about fatherlessness, decline of marriage in US, adoption, etc. I have read hundreds of short personal stories, whose authors simply answered questions like: "What is it like to be raised by a single mother? "... by teenagers?", etc. These stories may not give a general view what it is like to be... but since there are so many of them (thanks to people who were willing to answer these questions), they gave me hope that children raised in not ideal circumstances may still be happy.

Karolina, I think part of the problem with your questions is that they sound like homework. Like you are asking others to do your work for you which is something this site does not allow. Another part is that you seem to have an expectation of others posting their thoughts/stories and that's it. Other Question & Answer sites are like that. We aren't. Whether it is repairing a washing machine or repairing a relationship, we try to give the best advice/help we can. To do that takes the original poster (op) asking a question that has an answer or for the op to be willing to discuss the issue.

Your threads were merged and moved to a Discussion board because however your dress it up, it is the same question (and you are not asking for advice.) Which is better single mother or two-parent adoptive families?

As has been said, this is a question that has no definitive answer. You won't find a concrete answer just by reading other people's thoughts and stories. You won't find out why there is no concrete answer just by reading. You need to participate in the Discussion. Ask questions, read answers, give your thoughts, etc. Share.

Talk with us.

Sorry, I was seeking a place where questions can be asked and answers expected. Clearly I was wrong.

No, these questions differed. It's one thing to ask about someone's experience, and the other to ask about a hypothetical situation.

No, not at all. You didn't post in either original thread question, what you were looking for.

It wasn't until we digged and asked more questions that you came up with the hypothetical and real life experience, and having posted in both threads, you asked for both experiences in both threads

Both threads were exactly the same, not at all clear on what you wanted, and not at all clear about the purpose for the question.

Sorry, I was seeking a place where questions can be asked and answers expected. Clearly I was wrong.

Sigh. You have found a place where questions can be asked and answered, but yours can't be answered definitively.

Let me try to show you the problem, because obviously our explanations as to why this question is impossible to answer, aren't good enough, and you're not understanding.

So I'll try to help you by posting a question for you to answer:

Is it better to be blind, or deaf?

Look, I understand perfectly that neither being single or being an adoptive couple makes you a bad or good parent. But I wasn't going to write an essay about it. I was just curious about one thing: would people say that it's better to have one bio mom and no dad at all or two adoptive parents and no bio parents. The question didn't deal with poverty, parenting skills, etc.

This is an unanswerable question. There are too many variables at play.

QUOTE: "I know that people's experiences will differ, but I simply like reading about - forgive me - imperfect family structures and how the now adult children perceived their childhood."
Oh no wait, this is all theoretical.

I keep finding this more and more strange. I hope there isn't something tragic in your own childhood that has made you so detached from your feelings that you don't even know what you want from strangers online.

QUOTE: "I know that people's experiences will differ, but I simply like reading about - forgive me - imperfect family structures and how the now adult children perceived their childhood."
Oh no wait, this is all theoretical.

I keep finding this more and more strange. I hope there isn't something tragic in your own childhood that has made you so detached from your feelings that you don't even know what you want from strangers online.
I agree, joy. The term "imperfect family structures" is especially off-putting. Just because a child is raised in a family structure that's not the "traditional" two-parent, male-female-as-biological-parents family doesn't mean it is dysfunctional or "imperfect."

JOYPULV, my responses originally dealt with two different issues: what people would theoretically choose for themselves and what their experience was like. When my 2 questions were merged into 1, my responses were moved into 1 shread as well. It's pointless to talk about it anymore.

WONDERGIRL, I myself raise my baby in an "imperfect" family, because I'm not married to the baby's father. :)

WONDERGIRL, I myself raise my baby in an "imperfect" family, because I'm not married to the baby's father. :)
Why is that "imperfect"????

I'm married to a guy with Asperger's. He's the father of our two children. Is that "imperfect"?

My father was a Lutheran pastor and wasn't home a lot, even in the evenings. Was I in an "imperfect" family?

One of my brothers married a woman with two young daughters. My brother became a stay-at-home dad while his wife was the breadwinner. Was that an "imperfect" family?

A lesbian friend and her partner (they're now legally married) adopted a newborn baby boy 20+ years ago. Did that child grow up in an "imperfect" family?

Ha! Are these families perfect to you? :) Because they are far from the American ideal family model. :)

Of course I don't care about being perfect. I respect single mothers, single fathers, teenage parents... I respect everyone who loves their children and takes good care of them. You shouldn't take the word "imperfect" so seriously. Imperfection can be beautiful.

Ha! Are these families perfect to you? :) Because they are far from the American ideal family model. :)

Of course I don't care about being perfect. I respect single mothers, single fathers, teenage parents... I respect everyone who loves their children and takes good care of them. You shouldn't take the word "imperfect" so seriously. Imperfection can be beautiful.
You were the one who called anything but married male&female parents "imperfect."
I simply like reading about - forgive me - imperfect family structures

It's NOT the "America's ideal family model" as much as it is the 1950s Ozzie & Harriet ideal.

I suggest you read the memoir, The Glass Castle, by Jeannette Walls.

Yeah, I used the word "imperfect" - and so what? I didn't mean "dysfunctional" by that. I do think it's better to have a dad and a mom than just mom. However, I would go with a poor single mother any day than with an affluent but unrelated married couple. :)

What's an "unrelated married couple"??? Aren't all married couples unrelated?

I answered by own question: I would rather be raised by a single bio mom than by an unrelated couple. :) So I'd go with an "imperfect" family.

I answered by own question: I would rather be raised by a single bio mom than by an unrelated couple. :) So I'd go with an "imperfect" family.
Even if your single bio mom is an alcoholic and beats you regularly and for no reason with a belt?

my responses originally dealt with two different issues: what people would theoretically choose for themselves and what their experience was like.

Okay fine. I'd factually and logically choose the family I grew up with, because that's all I know. I grew up with my bio mom and bio dad, married couple.

I cannot state what I would choose for anyone else, because each situation is different.

I can't say that all kids are better off with a bio married mom and dad, I know too many people that had very abusive childhoods at the hands of their parents. I also know many people, like me, that had a great childhood with their bio parents.

I can't say that all kids are better off with a single bio parent, I know too many people that had horrible abusive childhoods being raised by just one parent. I also know many people that had great childhoods with their single bio parent.

I can't say that all kids are better off being adopted if their bio parents are unmarried or very young. I know many people that were adopted and had horrible abusive childhoods. I also know many people that had great childhoods with their adoptive parents.

It's a case by case thing, every situation is different, and that's why there is no way to answer this question.

Now, if you had posted a specific story, then we could say what the best decision is. But hypothetically, no, it's not possible.

I really can't believe that you can't understand that.

WONDERGIRL, I didn't compare a bad bio mom to a good adoptive couple.


ALTY, sure, I could write something like: "Would you choose your poor teenage single mother over a wealthy mature married pair of strangers?" And it would only be reasonable most people would choose the latter, right? Yet I believe many people raised in poverty by single teen moms turned out fine. The statistics, however, were against them.

My question was purely theoretical. It dealt with JUST one thing: fatherlessness. One natural parent or two adoptive ones? Don't take it so seriously.

FINALLY you tell us that you are a single mother! THANK YOU. I can leave now. I'm sure you are a fine and loving mother, and you really care about this subject on a personal level, rather than just being some kind of weirdo who 'simply likes reading about - forgive me - imperfect family structures.'

I am NOT a single mother (just unwed). Where did I say so?

I said I WOULD choose one.

You may say I'm weird but there are places on the Net where such weird questions are asked and no-one makes fuss about it.

Yes, sorry, you didn't say single mother.
I and other responders have been finding the MANNER of questioning to be detached, lofty, or off-putting. Nothing weird about the topic itself.

OK, sorry then. I never meant to offend anyone. Have a good day.

I don't think you have offended anyone it's more like frustration of a lack of facts about you and why you feel as you do. You have to understand that most respondents here are older people who tend to look deeper maybe than you are willing to go, which is typical since it's about more FACTS, than just feelings with this group.

That's really what separates this sight from many others you may have been on. We tend to get intimate with visitors, but you are hanging in there and that's a good thing. May I ask if you live with your baby daddy unwed mom?

Yes, I do.

I have never been offended in my life. I have plenty of friends I argue with tooth and nail.
Offense is for injustice to groups of people, animals, and the earth.

OK, so here's my next question. :)

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adoption/teenage-mother-831049.html