Me and my husband have been going through our fair share of stress due to a previous job. On top of that, he came out to me as bisexual about 3 years ago, and I've tried to remain supportive. He wanted to explore this side of himself, and I had no issue with it at long as it didn't interfere with our marriage. Now it has. All he can think about and focus on is this . And when things or plans would fall through, it would be my fault. My fault because I didn't help him enough, or I wasn't supportive enough. Now he's decided "he'll just change for our marriage". He won't think about his 'wants' or 'needs' anymore, and since I refuse to change, he'll change instead. He is now withholding sex, refuses to talk to me, if he does, again this is all my fault that he's this way, I should've just let him experience things. I'm lost as to what to do. He was previously married and while being bisexual was never brought up, he along with he previous wife had an open relationship to an extent. Basically they cheated on each other and the other would get back at the other and cheat even more. I'm sorry but that's not okay. Help please.

Unreal. Selfish. And thinking only of himself. If I was in your shoes I would give Mr. Confused his freedom to explore whatever he wants to explore. I wouldn't tolerate an open relationship regardless of what sex he wants to be open with. He is thinking of himself and only himself. Plus in an open relationship your chances of getting an STD are increased. I would not tolerate this amount of unselfishness. Just my opinion...

Hi,

Your husband came out as bisexual and that is awesome!

There are a few questions I have:
1). How would exploring a person's bisexuality NOT interfere with your marriage? As I read it, he is wanting to explore love/romance/sexuality with males as well as keeping status quo with you, his wife.
2). Does he understand that he is still checked in and part of your marriage and that it isn't all about this? I understand that this is new and great for him, but there are bigger more important issues then him exploring his sexuality.
3). Hoe did the plans fall through? How did you not help him enough?
4). Is he always Passive Aggressive and petty?
5). How did you stop letting him experience things?
6). Is your marriage open? Are you strictly Monogamous? Or monogamish? Hav


What I am seeing here is a huge lack of communication. I don't think that either of you set boundaries or expectations for his explorations. What are his expectations? Is he going to go look on Craigslist or Grindr for a Leather Daddy for a series of meaningless trysts? Is he going to look for another partner? How involved are you? Are you expected to join in? Is this couple going to turn into a threesome?

I think you need to figure out what is going down before things get out of control.

As a side note, your husband is being very childish and very petty. He also needs to understand that with marrying you it signified a commitment to YOU. When someone who is bisexual marries someone else, it doesn't mean that they've still got the right to play the other side of the field. Many Bisexual will be monogamous with the person they marry, even though they're still attracted to the sex opposite of their partner. He needs to put on his big boy underpants and realize that he might not get all that he wants or expects. Being bisexual in a relationship doesn't entitle him to diddle around with someone else.

What do you do? Talk to him. Hammer out a framework on how your relationship is going to work. It has to be a Mature Adult conversation. I would also start preparing an exit strategy. He might be great but this could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. You need to protect yourself and your family.

You have 3 children from different marriages, right? And they all are going through tough times, 2 girls with a bio mother who lives nearby but can't be bothered to be part of their lives, and an autistic son. Their good home and parenting is first. Your husband is being.... words can't describe how selfish he's being.

I appreciate your answers. My main boundary or rule, so to speak, was that if it interfered in our marriage, I wouldn't be okay with his extra stuff. Maybe I messed up by being supportive of him throughout all this? I just feel lost. All we have done since I put my foot down on everything, is fight. It was my fault everything went to , yet "he'll take the blame for the sake of our marriage". I've never cheated on him, at all. However years ago, he did mess around with a man, didn't tell me until after the fact, and I forgave him. Never brought it up again. I'm just hurt that he's being this way. I walk on egg shells with him. He says I make him real like a freak now because I know he's bisexual but won't let him do anything...

I have 5 kids altogether, my 3 biological Children, autistic son included, and my 2 adopted daughters... His biological daughters.

He's a freak because he doesn't care about your needs and it doesn't sound like this is a new behavior for him. Why should you have to be the one that walks on eggshells? He's the unfaithful one NO MATTER WHAT SEX. He's the one thinking only of himself NO MATTER WHAT SEX. This isn't about his choices. It's about a marriage where he agreed to be faithful and a bunch of other stuff that isn't happening. I would so give him walking papers.

Someone did a study of husbands who are breadwinners. Turns out that their biggest concern isn't sex and attractiveness, it's bringing home the bacon. If they don't make enough, hate their job, or lose their job, they tend to fall apart in man-type ways. Your husband's petty and petulant behavior might be covering up all that. Is it possible to help him find new work, and bolster his ego with how good he is at any job he has ever done (even if not true)? Maybe you both need a distraction from the bi wanderings.

I don't want to give up but I'm to the point I don't know what else to do.

It may be time to ask him if he is looking for a way out of the marriage. Does he want the marriage to continue or is he still in it because he is afraid of losing custody.

If he wants the marriage succeed, then Marriage Counseling may be a way of working through the issues.

I will honestly say that I think he will escalate his behavior until you walk out. It seems that he wants you to be the 'bad guy' in the eyes of the outside world so he can keep all the marbles.

I agree there. I think he thought that he comes out of the closet so to speak, than it would give him a free pass because he isn't cheating on me with another woman. I'm so torn on what to do though. He's becoming very narcisstic...

Momma5 I did a similar thing to my wife while we were married. But we were married so there was no thought of being unfaithful. We did end up getting divorced but we are still friends to this day.

You deserve more than this in a relationship. He wants other things that you can not give him. It makes me wonder if his passed infidelity incident was his only unfaithful moment. Although in my mind that's water under the bridge at this point.

"Is it really as bad as I see it?"

NO!! It is but the latest challenge in this 6(?) year marriage. There have already been many, and will be many more. You are just caught up in the emotional frustration that this current one has got you in. This is not that unusual when you accept you are in the middle of this storm, and have to wait for it to end, specifically until this husband catches up with and deals with his own emotional turmoil. Unfortunately that won't happen until he takes responsibility, and owns his own words and action AND REACTIONS!

I think your best action is step back and let him rant and rave and enjoy his hissy fit. Then maybe you both can deal with him exploring his bisexuality, what ever the hell that really means. I suspect this is all about you giving him permission to have a dude to explore with, and like any manipulative child's antics, you ignore him and don't feed his wishes.

Stay firm, and defend YOUR boundaries of good behavior for this marriage. Eventually you talk, resolve the current issues, and move forward stronger for having weathered yet ANOTHER crisis together, or it tears you apart. That makes the real question how will you weather THIS storm? Its simple if not an easy task, but just don't make his emotional baggage YOURS!

Give him space to grow up, but don't let him drive you nuts. Stay focused on the right thing for YOU! ​He obviously is not logical, rational, or cooperative at this time.

Meanwhile, he needs a job. It's been months.

He is completely unworthy of you, if as you say, you have never cheated on him and have started as supportive when he first mentioned this. Your first mistake was of course being supportive of his decision. That is when you should have put your foot down; and you say he is withholding sex ! I am sorry momma5 but that would be a deal breaker for me, plus his attitude about his new found sexuality that doesn't include you. If he plays with any more men, then that is quite dangerous. Just think of what he might be bringing home to you, and I am talking about STDs specifically. And that would be the most selfish he could accomplish and would show absolutely no respect for you at all.

I would have to say, show him the door and make sure he uses it.

Being bisexual isn't a pass for cheating in a relationship. If he expressed an attraction to other women, would it be okay with you for him to explore that attraction?

Don't let the fact that his attraction goes to men as well cause a change in what you find acceptable in your marriage. Exploring an attraction with someone outside of your marriage is either okay or it's not.

Decide what you feel/believe, make certain he understands it, and what the result will be to your relationship. It can be difficult, but you can't be wishy washy in what you want in your marriage, or expect from him, out of fear of it ending.

You gave him the okay to step out a bit, learned that you're not okay with it after all, and it's okay, and important, to make him aware of it. If he wants something different now, then you might need to just let him go, and move on without him.

Marriage is marriage, you're either committed to the one you're married to, or you're not. If you're not, then get a divorce so you can screw whoever you want.

Being bisexual doesn't give you a pass to sleep with your wife and anyone else that comes along that interests you. That's not marriage!

I have many bisexual friends. Once they find a partner they love and want to be with, that means you're with that one person and only that one person.

Now, many people do have open marriages, but that's something that is discussed between both people, and agreed on by both people. If you don't want an open marriage, you have the right to say so, and not be made to feel guilty because your man whore of a husband wants to sleep around.

He's not being fair to you. His being bisexual doesn't give him a free pass to cheat on his marriage. It doesn't give him a pass to make you feel like you're hurting him or holding him back. That's his issue, not yours. If he doesn't respect you enough as his wife, to not do something that you're not okay with, then you should let him go. He obviously doesn't give a crap about your feelings at all, it's all about him and what he wants to do, and him making you feel guilty for not letting him cheat, is the cheapest trick ever. What a jerk!

I'd cut him loose and find someone that actually loves you enough to respect what marriage means to you, and loves you enough not to make you feel like you're bad because you don't want him to cheat.

Just mind blowing. This guy would have been kicked to the curb by me as soon as he asked to cheat and got mad when I said no.

I have been reading the other responses and thinking on this.

The first thing to realize is that he's a cheater. He did it with his past wife and he's doing it to you. You forgave one affair, but you have to wonder if there has been others. This does simplify the problem for you if you want it to. You have a great opportunity to divorce him and because of the infidelity, you could take him for all he is worth, but only if you want to.

If you want to stick around you need to set boundaries for him. Which will require opening the marriage. The rules become tricky though because you need to decide what you want. Some food for thought:
- Protection, with you AND other partners
- Do you want to know about his affairs?
- Do you want to restrict him to just men?
- Do you want to participate? Either in finding another man OR with him and another man.

It is my honest feeling that he's come out partially because he's bisexual but also as a way to have guilt free affairs. He is used to, by his previous relationship(s), to sleeping around while being in a committed relationship and he's trying to get your marriage to this point.

You need to have a honest and clear idea of what your expectations are and what you can accept. Then you negotiate with him. Either you will come to an agreement OR you will split up. Either way you need this dealt with or it will just poison your marriage. These expectations and what you can accept need to be set in stone and you need to be prepared to leave if he can't accept your terms. You're in this together and you can't just cater to him so he is happy. Bottom line is that it isn't all about him.

Thank you all for the responses, I'm sorry I was unable to get back with you, my youngest was in the hospital most of the day. I really tried to be supportive and understanding of him throughout all this. I understood he must have had some confusion and I also was relieved that he had lived with this secret for years and finally felt safe enough in our relationship to tell me. I had set boundaries with this at the beginning, main one being, when it interfered in our marriage, I would put a halt to it. I don't think he thought I was serious... I'm so torn right now. I tried to be there in every aspect of this and he blamed me for holding him back from his ability to experience things. And his reasoning is, he'd be supportive if the table was turned... Of course what man wouldn't be OK with his wife having a girlfriend. But that isn't the situation here. I'm tired of being blamed. And he started withholding sex because if if he can't experience his extra stuff, his only way to shut that feeling and want off is to not want it at all. And it was a choice I would have to live with.

Ok, so, make yr choice. Stay with him and experience disregard for your sexuality of needing a man, and wanting close proximity; no cuddling no kissing no skin on skin. I could not do that and don't have to.

He's actually told me on numerous occasions, he'd rather have me as a roommate than not have me at all.

Ewwww. Don't settle for less than you deserve. I've often told people to have a selection process when selecting a mate. Too many people "fall in love" based on a new relationship. We are all actors in a new relationship. You have to get to know the true person. Learn from this and move on.

Okay, I'm passive aggressive to a fault, so this probably isn't the best idea, but I'd sit him down, tell him that you agree to an open marriage. That means that he can go have all the experiences he wants, and so can you. And since he's punishing you for wanting a marriage with just him, and he's withholding sex, you have a lot of experiences you want to try, and a lot of men you're thinking of trying them with.

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like the thought of you being with other men. If he says that, then say "Ya, I don't like the thought of you being with other men either, but this is what you want, so let it be".

Frankly though, I'd just kick his a$$ to the curb. But I'm not married to him, and based on what you wrote, I don't like him very much, so it would be very easy for me to kick his butt out.

He's actually told me on numerous occasions, he'd rather have me as a roommate than not have me at all.

So what does this mean to you ? Would you want him as a roommate with all of his apparent faults ? I am with Alty on this one. We share the same opinion of your predicament.

Thank you all for your answers. I tried talking to him last night. He told me leaving wasn't an option and neither was divorce... A little background info as to what kind of person he is, he has been diagnosed as paranoid schizophreni, social control disorder, bipolar, acute fits of rage, and multiple personality disorder. I don't know if knowing that would help anyone as far as giving advice or not... I'm just lost as to what to do anymore...

Let me ask you how long in this 6 year marriage have you known his mental/behavioral issues? Does he take meds, or gotten help counselling? Is he off those meds? Little things like that are very important facts to make a good decision.

My first instinct is to help a partner/mate in crisis get the help they need by any means, including TOUGH love. I mean if he clocked his fool self in the kitchen would you call an ambulance, or make a doctors appointment at least? Of course you would and this doesn't sound any different really, so it goes back to what I said before, you be cool calm and collected and FIRM so YOU can make good decisions for yourself AND him, especially given he cannot.

So maybe your response to my inquiries WOULD make a difference given I think he is a NUT... OOPS... I mean irrational, illogical, and uncooperative. Does this play into his employment situation in any way?

His employment issue was the result of a boss who had no clue how to run a business. Stress did play a big role there for awhile, but he has gotten another job since. We were engaged when he was diagnosed and he has stayed on his meds, which at the time, is the only way I would go through with us getting married. I'm not sure if he's on the right dosage anymore, and part of me thinks, it's not the medicine that needs to be fixed, it's his attitude as a human being. He was the youngest of 4,his parents were much older when he was born and I've even told him, he's always gotten his own way. But he's not a child anymore, so time to grow up...

"he has been diagnosed as paranoid schizophreni, social control disorder, bipolar, acute fits of rage, and multiple personality disorder"

This added on top of the new revelation and his desire to experiment - there is just so much to fix. It may end up being a temporary fix at best. Is it possible that you jumped into this relationship without knowing this guy? I am typically not a cut your losses type of person but wow. At some point the stress of this man is going to outweigh whatever feelings you have for this man. It might be time to move on.

If you do move on, please enroll in some sort of How To Pick a Man course. In other words, make sure you know the person you are promising to spend the rest of your life with before you take the plunge.

We knew each for years. But its like slowly his mask fell off, if that makes sense. He tells me I changed so much since we got together, and maybe I have. I was 25 when we got together and had been in only one relationship before him, with my ex husband who I was with from 14 years to 24 years when we divorced. My husband was never monogomaous. In fact he had been with well over 100 women when me and him started seeing each other

We were engaged when he was diagnosed and he has stayed on his meds, which at the time, is the only way I would go through with us getting married.

You sure blew right past that STOP sign, and proceeded full speed ahead.


I'm not sure if he's on the right dosage anymore, and part of me thinks, it's not the medicine that needs to be fixed, it's his attitude as a human being.

What do you mean you aren't sure? Either he is seeing a doctor regularly, and continually monitored and evaluated, or he ISN'T! Which is it?

In my experience its seldom all you or all your partner for a screwed up situation but not being harsh here, but HE needs help, and HIGHLY likely so do you! Individually, and then as a couple. His withholding sex, and your reaction to it, are but symptoms of a greater issue(S) that needs to be addressed.

I frankly see no resolution unless YOU get help, and demand that he does also. What would be the point in wallowing in this frustrating, unhealthy, dysfunctional situation? I say again, you cannot control HIM, but you can darn sure learn to control YOURSELF, and do the right thing for you! You don't like his attitude as a human being, demand he leave, and get help with that.

I hope YOU get the right help to figure out what's right for you, and find the strength to do what's right.

QUESTIONS?

I'm scared he's emotionally and mentally beaten me to this point.

I'm scared he's emotionally and mentally beaten me to this point.
Do you have a real-life support group?--friends and family?

I have a few friends, they are on my side for sure and already said they were going to 'have a chat' with him. I just worry after it all said and done, he takes it out on me again

Based on "he has been diagnosed as paranoid schizophreni, social control disorder, bipolar, acute fits of rage, and multiple personality disorder", the "have a chat with him" should go swimmingly.

I have a few friends, they are on my side for sure and already said they were going to 'have a chat' with him. I just worry after it all said and done, he takes it out on me again
I'm with Oliver. A chat won't go anywhere plus you stand to lose.

I have a feeling that you already know what you need to do; what you want to do, but you just aren't at the stage yet to make that final decision. You have the emotional ties; wanting things to work out how you would like them to, but it doesn't appear that will be possible given the history and his current attitude.

His attractions are not going to change, and he doesn't want to put them aside for the marriage that you thought you had. In fact, he has made it clear that he would like to be free to explore even more. It truly is an emotionally stressful situation to realize that what you had envisioned for your marriage is now not the reality.

So at some point, you will have to make some difficult decisions for how you want your life to proceed. This may be a situation of loving him, but knowing that he is not a good life partner for you.

You'll have to decide if that's the case you're in.

I think you're too kind and caring, and I don't say that to be harsh, I say it because I think the main reason you aren't already out the door is because of his issues, and he knows very well to use all his issues as a way to get you to stay. I'm very sure that whenever you have one foot out the door he makes you feel a lot of guilt "how can you leave me? I have mental issues. How can you be so cruel as to leave someone over something they can't control? Everything would be okay if you would just let me do what I want to do. You're the problem, not me", and that gets you to stay. Am I right? I'd bet I am.

I'm going to be tough with you, because I really think you need it, and you need to start getting tough too. So I'm going to ask you a few questions, and I want you to be honest, not only with me, but with yourself.

1. Are you happy in this marriage?
2. Would you be happier without him?
3. If he didn't have the mental issues he has, would you tolerate the way he treats you?
4. Are you able to deal with his issues on your own?
5. Is he willing to get help, and is the help enough to make him into someone you can live with?
6. If he left tomorrow, would you really be upset, or would you just miss him because he's what you're used to?

Think long and hard. When was the last time you were really truly happy in this marriage? When was the last time you felt like you had a real partner, someone you can depend on, someone that will do anything to work with you in this partnership?

You need therapy as much as he does. He's beaten you down, and now you're stuck in a relationship that obviously doesn't bring you even a bit of joy. Life is too short to waste on people that will only bring you down. You need to learn to stand on your own again, and you need to heal from what he's done to you in this marriage.

I'm married, 21 years now, and I believe that marriage is worth fighting for, and that everything should be tried when a marriage is going through a rough patch. But kiddo, there comes a time when you have to realize that you've done all you can, and you don't have to give yourself a life sentence because it didn't work. There comes a time when you have to admit to yourself that for your own good, you have to walk away.

He may think divorce isn't an option, but it is.