I know this guy from 8-9 years.. He was my colleague and now only a friend. He lives and works in different country. But whenever he comes to my city.. where his parents stay.. he meets me.. We always have good time together.. He is very polite and honest kind of guy.. I have started feeling for him.. But I don't know what he feels for me.. may be I'm only a good friend to him.. he never said anything like.. he likes me or something.. he shared about his past affairs with me.. His parents are now looking for a bride for him... and he shares the details of every girl he meets for this purpose with me.. and I'm like OK.. I m somewhat feeling scared of rejection.. what if he says no.. should I wait for him to say something.. or should I tell him that I like him.. I have no idea how he will take this.. we are in touch on chats only.. and most of the time its me who initiates the chat.. but once its done.. he talks really nicely... when I ask him that he never initiates chat.. he responds like.. time zone difference.. and sometimes busy with work and other things.. but he do responds whenever I contact him... I feel butterflies in stomach when I see him :) how to take this further... I m hoping for something more than just friends with him.. and at the same time I don't want to spoil the friendship.. if he says no... may be it will leave impact on our friendship... what to do... please suggest...

He works and lives in a different country than you... and he is a friend who's friendship you don't want to spoil. Two good reasons to forget this crush and look for someone near you where you stand a better chance of having a real relationship with.

Telling him this will change the relationship you have now, you are correct ... odds are for the worse. Even if he does feel something you both don't live and work in the same country. And that WILL be a problem.

You are right that he lives in different country.. but his family.. his parents live in the country and city I'm.. and if it's a yes from his side... then he would come here to take things further.. still lot of confusion and hesitation to initiate.. i means if he feels the same..then their will be no problem..

The best way to find out how he feels is stop chasing him by being the only one who initiates the contact. Even if this has been a long term friendship it still smacks of being very one sided.


His parents are now looking for a bride for him... and he shares the details of every girl he meets for this purpose with me..

I find it odd that he doesn't suggest YOU, or his parents don't consider YOU in their choices. What's up with Mister I am to busy to call, or his parents who live in your city? Please explain this to me. Different castes or something?

Let me also ask if this "friendship" has stopped you from meeting others and considering dating for your own purpose of exploring more than just friends? Have YOUR parents been arranging meetings for you as his parents do? Do you have a life that you enjoy with friends and activities beyond the hope of romance with this fellow?

I really don't think this is a healthy friendship if you are afraid to lose it if you express yourself honestly. I find it disturbing that you have a romance all figured out except for he just ain't cooperating much is he? Maybe he just doesn't want to move home just to date you. Be nice if he did wouldn't it? What a fantasy you have built. This is what you really should pay attention too...


when I ask him that he never initiates chat.. he responds like.. time zone difference.. and sometimes busy with work and other things..

Obviously you have made him a priority, yet you are an option to him (ONE OF MANY IT SEEMS...and he chases or commits to none), so stop initiating contact and have fun living in your own reality for a while. Make sense?

You could always have another person talk to him about it. An not have them directly come out with it but hint at it. But 9 years is a long time and there are plenty of fish in the sea if you cant catch this one.

It is time to move on. He has not made a move to further your long distance relationship in 9 years. It does not appear that there is anything but a casual friendship going on. He "discusses the affairs he has had with other women", that should tell you that you are just a sounding board to him nothing more. Stop pining over this man and find yourself someone else.

We are not in any relationship till now.. we are friends.. I don't think his parents know about our friendship.. bt my family do know about our friendship.. like his parents.. my parents are too looking for a match for me.. I m living and enjoying my life fully.. its from past 3-4 months.. since I have started feeling differently for him.. and feel like he is the one... I m not sure about his feelings and thinking whether I should express it to him or remain silent and leave it to destiny... hope I have answered all your questions..

And in our case no caste issues or any other issues would b there... its all about.. if we both agree for this relationship.. we can get married with our families involvement... its all about knowing what he is up to.. is he willing to go beyond friendship.. should I tell him about my feelings or not..

Ask him directly if he is willing to go beyond friendship. Just do it.

Do it Girl. Then you will be able to put your fears behind you. If it is not to be, be prepared for a negative reply. If you are strong enough to ask, I am sure you are strong enough to go forward regardless... of his response. Good Luck.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to catonsville again.

Fully agree

Old saying: Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
You are articulate and can figure out a good way to ask him. Just don't let out even the tiniest bit of frustration. Maybe joke about it. "SOMETHING is making my heart flutter... it couldn't be you, could it?" Say it as you are leaving, with a big smile.

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to catonsville again". " Fully agree "

Geeze with Talaniman having 10,654 Helpful's, and I only have 65, I will not live long enough to catch him. Ha, Ha, Ha

Notice, I am listed as a Senior Member.

Thank you Anonymous, I was not soliciting. Just having a little fun.

I expressed him my feelings... to which he replied... that he had never seen me in that light.. which was expected.. he said he respect my feelings for him.. and we will be good friends as always... and that we both are very different and he nevrr thought about it... I was feeling like something is breaking inside me... but I'm really fine... I smiled and told him that we will be friends and that forget what all I said... don't know my approach or my way with words was right or wrong.. but it came all with heart.. and I'm happy that at least I shared

But I don't know.. how I going to face him again... that moment everything was paused... give in ir views... to deal with the situation

Good of you that you have expressed him your true feelings. Its about time however after 8/9 years! Now you got his answer and you must accept/trust him that he means this. No backdoor, potential opportunities, it's not going to happen and accept it. Be adamand and put him out of your mind. Stop obsessing, move on!

"I was feeling like something is breaking inside me... but I'm really fine..." Quite a contradiction and clearly you're not fine. Stop being his friend. Friendship WILL NOT WORK in your situation. He was a potential romantic interest; nothing more, nothing less. He's now an acquaintance and treat him a such. Don't care for him, show privileged interest or talk to him anymore, and move on, if you want to be happy again (including a potential new love interest in a later stage).

Believe me, I've been there and so have many others. It's not always east but this is the only solution. I fully accepted the situation I think when I found out she got married. I'm always surprised so many people always fall in a similar pattern.

Rejection sucks almost as bad as a break up. Leave him alone for a while and give your heart time to process through this.


I m living and enjoying my life fully..

As was said its never easy but focus on living your life to the fullest and putting this behind you one day at a time. BigNavySeal said it best, we all have gone through this at one time or another, and some of us have been rejected more than others, so you are not alone, even though it may seem like it now.

Family friend and activities usually get us through those tough time.

I expressed him my feelings... to which he replied... that he had never seen me in that light.. which was expected.. he said he respect my feelings for him.. and we will be good friends as always... and that we both are very different and he nevrr thought about it... I was feeling like something is breaking inside me... but I'm really fine... I smiled and told him that we will be friends and that forget what all I said... don't know my approach or my way with words was right or wrong.. but it came all with heart.. and I'm happy that at least I shared

But I don't know.. how I going to face him again... that moment everything was paused... give in ir views... to deal with the situation

The only way you can heal, after the spilling of your heart and a rejection is for you to go into "NO CONTACT MODE". There is no way for you to move on, if you are going to contact him in any way including in person. You must seek out your friends and family so they can help you to get over this and you will.

The advice to stay away from ALL contact is best for YOU.
And it prevents that most horrible of situations, the one where you are the person to lean on. Let him miss you (if he does) while he explores more of the shallow relationships he seems to run through, or he accepts the bride his parents arrange for him.
He may not be able to tell you that he really cares about you enough to spare you what he might be like. He might be the kind of man who leaves the dutiful wife to care for house and children, while he continues to have affairs.
DO NOT bring this up with him! It's just one thought out of many.

Getting your view points.. but really dealing with this is somewhat difficult... I spoiled our friendship too.. bringing up my feelings.. after a full day and night when I told him this.. was feeling like.. how I going to face... till the time I didn't share with.. everything was different... I msgd him... telling him how exactly I'm feeling.. to which he replied... dontbworry... its all cool... we are friends.. and I should take it light and forget about it...

He said it so conveniently... like it didn't make any difference..

At his end.. everything is just fine... but how I going to be with him.. like I used to be earlier...

You should never share your misery and disappointment with the cause of that hurt (HIM), but with your best GIRL friend, because what you really need to accept and regroup from this experience is love and support. He cannot give you this. LEAVE him alone.

Further contact with him only keeps the old feelings that are still intense stirred up and raw as you are finding out the hard way by INITIATING contact yet again. Your fear of rejection came true, and it has changed YOU, not HIM, or the circumstances. If you allow YOURSELF to heal without HIM, you will eventually gain STRENGTH back through ACCEPTANCE and be grateful the cycle of feelings for him can fade back into fantasy. Yes you have been feeding the fantasy for MONTHS, and it always hurts to know you must STOP.

For his part though he should leave YOU alone (I would) to allow you to process and deal with your disappointment! See this as a TEST of whether this was a TRUE friendship in the first place, or YOU keeping it alive, for your own fantasy feelings and building false hope for more.

Yes this hurts and the pain is difficult to deal with, and leaving him alone, NO MATTER WHAT, is the hardest thing you have ever done in your young life, but this is your test to pass or fail, to heal, or keep misery alive.

Now call that best girlfriend and start your healing. Cry it out, and get back to living your life to the fullest, and enjoying exploring ALL your options and opportunities that life brings you.

Understood that I did the mistake of sharing my hurt with him... yes he cnt give me the love I want.. because he doesn't feel the same way... you are so right with every word of yours... somewhwere it was my attempt to contact him... which didn't realize while doing so... yes I was fantasizing him from past few months.. that's why I'm feeling hurt... I was living that relation un my thoughts before it actually exist... not only that... I saw every word or act of his as a token of his affection towards me... which was totally created by my own thoughts and was not real... yes from now on... I will not contact him in anyw

I will not contact him in any way... but what if he contacts me.. cuz like you said he hasn't changed.. for him our friendship is still there... and he said it too... how I going to ignore him... when he has no fault in entire thing... I cnt force my feelings on him... our friendship has got its effects now... it cnt be normal again... didnt understand your point... how it will test our friendship... if you said it... there must be a deep meaning to it..

I will not contact him in any way... but what if he contacts me.. cuz like you said he hasn't changed.. for him our friendship is still there... and he said it too... how I going to ignore him... when he has no fault in entire thing... I cnt force my feelings on him... our friendship has got its effects now... it cnt be normal again... didnt understand your point... how it will test our friendship... if you said it... there must be a deep meaning to it..

If he INITIATES contact with you, then reject him citing your need to heal and get back to normal. If he were the friend you think he is wouldn't he UNDERSTAND what you are going through and leave you alone?

Yes the friendship has changed FOR YOU. Now YOU must change for yourself. After you heal and gotten back to normal will you even want this friendship back the way it was?

That bridge of friendship turned out to being burnt. Like I have said, You cannot heal if he keeps popping up very so often. NO MORE CONTACT & NO MORE RESPONSES TO HIS CONTACTS. Do it as if he never existed if you want to heal. Good Luck 9 years has been a long time, time to forget and move on.

After my last post here... I talked to him once... after that he didn't contact me till now.. nor did I contact him.. im very much touched the way he dealt with this.. wish we could have something more to it... anyways.. its cool...

Want to take a chance.. to win his heart... should I even try or is it finish forever... in confusion.. he is really nice guy.. dont want to let him go..

You mean take another chance right? He already rejected your wanting more. Let the healing process work.

He has already rejected you. Are you a glutton for punishment? Leave well enough alone and move on with your life.

Got it :(

Never make someone a priority in your life that makes you an option in theirs. That just not fair to you. Be unavailable as his option. Let him look elsewhere.

Hi... pretty long time since I updated on this.. after months of no contact.. our friendship was back on track.. infact he was very cool and friendly to me again... like he used to do before... I knew he rejected me... but still... being with him was great... always... we made plans to meet up in his next visit... which was supposed to be in dec 2016. Then suddenly a day.. he texted me... that (Mr. abc) our common co-worker years back... was saying hi to me through him and that (mr.abc) and I was good friends.. which was not true and I told him the same.. it used to be just a casual greet like everyone does when they meet their co-worker in office premises only... thats it.. and I'm not in touch with him from years... it ended right there... he was like... okay... things were back to normal again... normal talks... fun.. chats.. etc... like all friends do... then his birthday came... and I wished him and because till now I ddnt know his age.. so I asked him.. and came to know that he is a year younger to me... and I let him know this tooo... and his expression were like... aaah I ddnt know about it... then he wished me on my birthday which is 6 days after his... and on that day... he told me that y guys want wives younger to them... cuz they are pretty and conception is not an issue with them etc etc... and I took it as a general discussion.. which started in midnite and that night we chatted till 4am... after that day he changed... he started avoiding me... that I felt... whenever I messaged him.. he replied with short to the point words.. like he is not interested.. and sometimes no replies from his end... and exact 10 days later after my birthday... I accidentally got see our conversation... and as a friendly gesture... I texted him... that by chance I got to see our old chats.. and u used to talk a lot.. and I can feel the change.. want to see the old talkative you back.. take care... it was afternoon here in my country.. and there must be 2am in his... which used to be a normal timing for him to chat... later by night as per my time zone I got his reply... "i dont want to romance with you...please forgive me...and leave me alone...go and text such messages to mr.abc not me...take it lightly..." I felt very annoyed reading this that y he is bringing that guy between our conversation... and told him the same... he said... " its 2am...is it time to text someone at that time..i wil block you" I told him that if he doesn't want to talk... dont.. but don't bring any other man in between... and I blocked him... it was 10 days after my birthday... 2 months later he was supposed to come...
time passed.. he ddnt text me... aah I blocked him.. how he could... thinking that in dec2016 mid... I unblocked him... I knew he was here in my city.. but I ddnt text him.. just unblocked him... on new year I texted him wishing him new year... no reply... from him... then I asked him... is he stilll upset over our fight... and he replied and talked to me... he left without meeting me this time...
and now if I text him... I rarely get his replies...
I couldn't understand y he reacted that way... he was a good friend... a crush... and again a friend...
should I leave him alone.. or I can do something to bring life to our friendship again. it hurts to see when your friends behave that way...
I have already stopped texting him... cuz I don't like when someone ignores me...
please give in your views and suggestions...
yes he is important to me...

Broken_heart... Leave him alone. I think our previous advice has been clear; go with no contact and stay with no contact. You will set yourself up for failure time and time again. He's romantically not interested in you, so with that knowledge in mind you know it's not going to work. "Friendship" is not worth it in this case, unless you can both keep it very casual but it seems you can't. Focus on other people, friends, family, activities, yourself.

When someone tells you to leave them alone, then you should take such a strong hint seriously! You can learn the hard way and bring yourself even more confusion and misery, and rejection, or accept he wants nothing to do with you, not even friendship.

Thanks.. I was also feeling the same... that he is not interested for friendship too now... so its fine with me... I have many friends to gel with... now I will not contact him... but if he does.. I will also keep it short like he did...

I think he genuinely likes you and is torn. He was a little too 'interested' in what your interest was in mr. abc -- out of jealousy.

I am going to guess that he comes from a culture where men do not marry women who have had relationships, even the most innocent kind. The argument that you are a year older than he is and that that is meaningful for having children is absurd. It just comes from centuries of older men marrying much younger girls who are absolutely guaranteed to be virgins and so innocent that they can't possibly be interested in even thinking about boys, much less have feelings about them.

I'm sorry for BOTH of you, caught between old and modern worlds. But he sounds more willing to accept tradition, so that's the end of that. I think you have handled this all very well.

Thanks for saying about his little interest.. cuz I always felt that when he was around me via his body language and expressions... but was always unsure because people say when u feel for someone.. you can misread the signals... but when he actually said no... I realized... might be... that was a wrong timing... and yes for me love don't see age... and the kind of discussion we had... I understood that it matters to him... although I gave up long before that... today I wrote here... cuz I was not able to decide whether to continue with his friendship or leave him alone... cuz I really couldn't understand why he was pissed off... cuz I'm a year older than him or because that guy said that we were good friends.. ( which was baseless)... when I messaged him on new year.. he asked about my and my family well being and later that did I get any alliance... so did I ask him... to which he said... NO... I want to leave this on time... I really don't want to chase anyone... meanwhile my search for a life partner is on... yes I found him very suitable for me... but after getting his response.. I don't want to even try... and feelings... I think that will fade away with passed time...
what I'm going to do is leave him alone with his confused state or clear mindset.. whatever it is... if he comes back before I get engaged to someone else... he will be most welcome... cuz overall he is very nice guy.. at times he is difficult to understand but who is perfect in this world.. no one...
I have no grudges for him... liked him... like him...
I'm not going to contact him no matter what...
thanks to all for always been a good support and guide to me... will update if something new happens for sure... :)

After this last incident, I texted him months later on his birthday to wish him and to my surprise he was totally changed the way he spoke to me. He never replied me with so much affection, felt good. But back in mind, I had his past behaviour fresh, so I couldn't keep the conversation going for too long.it continued for next 2-3 times and then I decided either I won't talk and if I do I wl do it nicely. And we had nice conversation next time. He told me that he will be visiting I March or June 2018 and will meet me this time and we ended the conversation on good note. After 2 days he updated his profile pic, I gave him compliment which he ignored and didn't reply, I took it normally. Then on new year he didn't reply on my new year message, that made me think if he wants to talk or not? After waiting for 2 days post new year, I texted him asking if everything is fine at his end.. he read the message again and ddnt reply. Then I wished him festival a week later to which he replied and then disappeared again. After that I didn't message him and he also haven't texted me. It was quite weird that he was making up plans to meet and then he started ignoring me. I am here because after that day before yesterday I texted him... hi.. I could see him online bt he ddnt open my text.. felt bad and I sent him another text saying bye and take care, I was decided that its my last message. Then sudden he got reply.. how are you... I do replied but kept the conversation short because now I was feeling like he is not interested. I have decided not to text him in anyway now. Is this right decision? And what if in coming June if he calls me up to meet, should I or shouldn't I? I do accepted that he is only a friend. And I'm nt expecting anything more but it shouldn't b like this. I don't wna get ignored when I ddnt do anything wrong.
Please advice me.

This has been going on for 2 years and you're still obsessed with him? Have you done anything to find happiness without him? Have you dated, met other men, or are you still hoping he'll one day come around and tell you you're the one?

Stop texting him, that's been the advice from the very beginning and yet you seem incapable of following that advice, so why do you keep asking for more advice you're going to ignore?

He asks you to stop texting him, but you don't listen. Then when he finally gives up and texts you back you once again bombard him with texts, get upset when he doesn't reply, and wonder why he isn't replying. He's not replying because he doesn't want to. Leave the poor guy alone.

My advice is the same as before... stop contacting him and feeding yourself false hope. You don't like to be ignored then leave him alone. You haven't done anything wrong... YES YOU HAVE, you keep contacting him. Why are you so desperate? Don't even try to deny that, just go back through your latest post and count the times you contacted him and he ignored you.

Since you cannot take hints (OR ADVICE), you will learn the hard way, and your heart will stay broken and never heal, until you leave him alone and allow it to.

Thanks for replying.. I'm not going to contact him anymore.. this is what was going on in my mind.. thats why I posted here... its not like I'm desperate or may be I'm... I don't know... its true I texted him and he replied nicely few times initially.. wat made me act like that his sudden shift of behaviour... im nt going to think about his behaviour anymore... im deleting his no from my contacts so I cant contact him again... I have dated few guys in this time but at the back of mind he was there... no more discussions over him from my side... im deleting him from my life as well... I know I ddnt follow the advice properly I went on no contact for months and then broke that which I shouldn't have... yes I'm learning hard way... thank you again for opening up my eyes to the truth I was trying to ignore.. love you all...

I’m going to be very blunt. Your behavior is borderline stalker-ish. Learning the hard way shouldn’t take 2 years! Delete him from your phone. Block him from social media so that you aren’t triggered by his posts.

I agree with J_9, I've been through this with a woman who couldn't take no for an answer a lot of years ago. Just from what you have said... speaking as a guy,, it shows he really isn't interested in a relationship, but he's trying to be nice about it and stay friends... keep pushing him and you won't even have that. If its not enough, then you really need to stop talking to him at all. Being he lives in another country.. that would be easy, you don't live next door to each other. Bust as was mentioned..its been two years....you should be through that already....I only had to deal with it for 6 months before she got the message....and that was 5 months too long. Speaking as someone who has been in his situation.....(I recognize how he's reacting) there is no easy way to say this to someone infatuated with you whom you do not dislike enough to not care how they take it. Its an awkward position to be in for BOTH people....if you both would like to be friends after and would be happy with that. That in itself is probably the hardest single lesson to learn about relationships with other people because there are so many ways to screw it up and make enemies rather than dial it back and stay friends.

I agree, to be blunt, I have had a women I ended up calling the police on. Time to delete them from all social media and move on with a real life.

The good news, letting go is hard for you, but you eventually get there. The bad news, once you give your heart away you don't want to take it back, and all you get as a result from it is a case of self reinforced FALSE HOPE. Yeah been reading your posts a long time haven't I? Watching you grow is fascinating, and you could take some time to reread your old posts and I am sure you will be fascinated by your own growth too.

Not going full NO CONTACT has always been your issue until you get sick and tired of the misery, and confusion. Don't be to hard on yourself. Takes most of us a long time and many experiences to know how to let go and heal, so you are hardly alone in that.

Thanks a lot for being brave enough to share your experience with us.

Tal... thanks for always being there for me in all my problems and guiding me... yes I have issues with letting go of things and people I consider close to my heart... but anyhow... I don't have his contact now .so even if I want to I cant text him... until he texts me... J9 I'm not a stalker and I'm nt following him day and night... in past 2 years I texted him only on his birthday last year and that time too... I was not expecting anything from him... but he replied with so much affection that it made me feel the same for him again... still I controlled... but he continued to be like that for our next few conversations till... I decided to forget about whatever bad moments of issues we had... and then I texted him on new year... and from there he started ignoring me... im not following him... its just his on and off behaviour... once too loving (which I never expected from him) and the ignoring me and then replying me... waa making me anxious... still while this was happening... I kept myself reminding that he is not for me... he is not interested... last when he ddnt reply to my hello... ddnt even bother to open my text... I was sure and decide to never to talk to him again... keeping that thing in my mind I said him bye... assuming that we are parting now forever... but then again when he read bye from me... he replied... I still don't understand where was wrong... he himself was planning to meet... we had good conversation for an hour or so few days before new year and nothing in between... then what happened... which made him ignore me... quiet strange... one day you plan to meet... b extra nice and other day you ignore.. anyway I don't want to look for reasons now... it has come to an end... and I cant contact him... may be we are not meant to be for each other...

Anyway thank you all of u.. For investing your time to read my post and reply with your helpful advices...

Tal... hope one day I will learn to let go of people easily in my life...

Thank you again...

" I'm not going to contact him anymore.."

Me thinks you will but the proof is always in the pudding. And I love pudding.

I agree with Alty - what have you done to find happiness regardless of him? People should allow no one to control happiness or contentment.