Hey Everyone,

I don't usually post stuff like this online, but just trying to get an outside point of view into my problem. I've been dating my current girlfriend about 1.5 years, and she's a great person. We are in a distance relationship and only get to see each other about 1x or 2x a month. We get a long great, have a lot in common, same religious views, our families get along well, etc. On paper, we are great together... with almost everything, we have issues around sex. Now I still have my v-card (virgin) and she doesn't, which isn't really a big problem with me. The issue is, she thinks it's a big deal that I don't mess around with her that much, which I completely understand and agree with. More details in the following section!

Background:
When my girlfriend and I started dating, I wouldn't say I found her super attractive, but I thought she was cute. In the beginning of our relationship, I sent overly flirty / sexy in text messages, pictures, and in person we'd mess around (HJs, BJs, etc). After a while, I didn't really feel comfortable messing around with her, mainly because I didn't enjoy going down on her, and in my head I started to feel guilty since she would still give me BJs and stuff. So instead of messing around, I basically stopped doing anything, just so I wouldn't have to do anything to her in return.

Obviously, after a few months of that, it became a problem and we talked about it... and I told her that I felt guilty / pressured into doing things I didn't enjoy, and she understood and we worked through it. Well that brings us to this week, where she somewhat got mad at me due to similar sex stuff. Basically, she ended up going back through some of our texts and saw all the overly flirty sexual text message I sent her way back when we started dating, and is concerned since I don't really make an effort still on the sexual stuff... it's usually her that initiates it. She's worried if things continue down this path (marriage, etc.) if this is how things are going to be, because I think neither of us want to be in a sex-less marriage.

So that's the current status / predicament. I'm trying to figure out what changed with me a year ago when we started dating, to today. And am asking myself questions like do I like her like that? What would things be like when we're married, etc. As I said earlier, on paper, our relationship looks great (interests, religion, family). But I know this is a big problem for her, and rightfully so.

I'm a fairly sexual person (frequent porn / masterbation) and things like that, but I just don't seem to either feel comfortable or maybe don't want to do it with my current girlfriend. With ex-gf's, I would mess around with them often, and I don't think anything really slowed down or stopped. However, those relationships were all less than a year, and my current girlfriend has been my longest relationship this far.

So I'm asking to see if anyone has any feedback / thoughts / etc. on things to think about, or maybe I'm missing something. I'm not sure if maybe I have some mental road blocks or something else going on with me.

If anyone has any other questions around my situation, please feel free to ask and let me know. Thanks in advance for everyone's time and help, it is greatly appreciated!

Thanks.

Ever think of doing things you don't enjoy because you bring enjoyment to your partner? I don't think it's a mental block as much as it's kind of selfish thinking. She goes along with your program, but so far no reward for it.

That's what I am hearing, like a big tease. Obviously your words are sexier than your actions. Your actions say you don't care if she enjoys herself. Maybe you are with the wrong partner, bet she is starting to think so even though you TALKED about it yet nothing changed did it?

That makes you all talk and no do.

Are you intentionally waiting to have more intimacy until after you are married or are you feeling that you just aren't interested in her that way? If you are waiting for marriage before having intercourse, that's fine, but if you believe that you're not really having those feelings for her, and are lacking a desire to be physical with her, then reconsider marriage. Did you feel more sexual desire for previous girlfriends even if you didn't fully act on those feelings?

It may be simply that, while it all looks good on paper, your heart and head are telling you otherwise; that how it may look on paper is not enough.

This was an issue with me in a past relationship before I started dating my wife. Except it was me that wanted sex and her that wanted to wait.

We talked about it and eventually, it wasn't just that she wanted to wait until marriage, but that she really didn't have sexual urges at all. I knew at that point that, although we probably would have had sex if we'd have gotten married, it never would have been satisfying, and probably not all that often anyway.

That was one of several reasons we ended the relationship. Either she just wasn't into ME, or had no sexual desire at all.

I could have handled it if she had said "it's so hard to wait, I want you so bad, I just feel we need to wait because that's what I feel is right".

However, what she said was more like "you know, I don't even really want to have sex, so waiting isn't that hard for me".

Is that what's really going on here? Either you don't want sex/sexual activity at all (unlikely based on your post), or you just don't want it with her?

She isn't the right girl. Staying with her is giving her a complex and hurting her feelings, so I think you should kindly let her go. I have dated men who liked the idea of me but their hearts were elsewhere. One felt called to the Catholic priesthood, another wasn't over a past girlfriend. For both, I killed myself trying to be what they wanted. I couldn't be the church and I couldn't be another girl and it was hurtful. I wished both men hadn't taken so much of my time in college, wasting my opportunities to date other people.

If after a year and a half, you back away from oral sex, and not even talking I guess about sex toys and other sexual enjoyment, there is a problem.

Long distance relationships are hard enough, but this one is on a crash course.
She will feel unloved and completely not satisfied, and you are feeling guilty.

You need to consider either moving forward and committing to this relationship, or getting out o it.