PDA

View Full Version : My wife had an affair before our marriage..


coolhulk79x
Mar 15, 2014, 03:03 PM
I really want a good solution to my problem..
Please help guys

My wife had a 3 year long relationship with a guy before I met her and we got married which I found out after our marriage.she accepted she was physical with him and wanted to marry him also but the guy ditched and didn't marry her at last.. now the problem is that we are married for two years now and we also have a daughter..
The problem started as one day we were together in our room and intimate with each other and she took the name of the guy she was with before our marriage and that too after one year of our marriage..
After that she told me about him but she keeps on crying and says that she is guilty of what she did and it was a mistake and don't want to talk about it..
I can't focus my mind anywhere.. can anyone suggest what should I do as I love my child also and don't want to loose her after our divorce or separation.

talaniman
Mar 15, 2014, 03:30 PM
Why would you consider a divorce or separation because YOU cannot handle the truth? Most couples I know including myself, find out many things that were not initially known before marriage or for years after.

I highly suggest you deal with her hurt, guilt, or shame in a compassionate manner as you grapple with your own feeling about this. Her fear of your reaction and her guilt of what happened deserve understanding, not punishment or selfish self pity. Only a fool would tear up his family rather than work to make it better.

Only a fool expects every detail to be revealed at his time instead of the right time. Personally I fail to see why this is a big deal after 3 years of bonding, or how her past cannot be accepted. Shock and disappointment can be overcome, as her past actions were maybe a mistake she has already paid an emotional price for, and further punishment by you is both impulsive and unfair.

What did she claim to be a virgin or something?

Wondergirl
Mar 15, 2014, 03:31 PM
Was she having an affair with him during your marriage, or is this guy part of her relationship history before you came along?

Alty
Mar 15, 2014, 03:41 PM
So your wife dated someone before she met and married you. That's normal. Is it that she was intimate with this man that you can't handle, if she was indeed intimate with him? Is this part of your religious beliefs? I ask that because it's obvious that English isn't your first language, and many countries still have the belief that a woman cannot even date a man, much less have sex with a man, before marriage.

I can only answer your question based on my beliefs, my ideals. The past is just that, the past. She's with you, she married you, she had a child with you. If you love her at all, you'll work this out and put the past behind you. Don't let your ego or your religious beliefs ruin your marriage over something this trivial.

ScottGem
Mar 15, 2014, 04:12 PM
Did she call out this guy's name while you were being intimate? That's what isn't clear from your post. If she did, I can understand you being upset. Otherwise, this is something that happened before you were together and shouldn't have any impact on your feelings for her.

smoothy
Mar 15, 2014, 04:22 PM
I'm with everyone else... why do you think what she did or didn't do before you met is any of your business.

She wasn't a hooker, she wasn't a serial murderer, she wasn't a child molestor, she had a boyfriend? Stop the presses... someone actually had something to do with more than one other person in their natural life.

You just simply accept... she had a life before she knew you. You did... didn't you? Do you have to attone to her for it? Nope..neither should she. Its called being mature and an adult. The past is the past....let it go.

joypulv
Mar 15, 2014, 05:27 PM
An 'affair' to most of the world is an intimate relationship one has with someone while married to someone else. So please clear this up first.

talaniman
Mar 15, 2014, 05:37 PM
I took affair as a relationship before she met him, but some cultures frown on intimate relationships before marriage. Virginity is prized and expected.

Fr_Chuck
Mar 15, 2014, 08:34 PM
This was before you were married, even in cultures where it is not allowed, they still do it. Here in China, they are having sex, they sell "virgin kits" to fool husband on wedding nights or to show family for those still doing that.

She was honest, and you should not care what she did before you married her.
** seldom is the man "pure" at the wedding, but think the wife has to be for some reason.

You do nothing, but forgive her, and understand it does not effect you at all.

As for as crying out his name ( I think that is what you said) most people think about someone else at times when they are having sex.

You do not divorce, you do not separate, you tell your wife, you love her and it does not matter what happened before.

You are making a way too big of deal out of this.

Oliver2011
Mar 16, 2014, 08:41 AM
Are you kidding me? You must be a drama queen.

Your marriage is a sham because she has a history. Wake up, you do as well. You need to stop what you are doing and confess to her your history. Confess each time you told a lie to your parents. Confess the time or times you were driving over the speed limit. Confess the times you talked behind behind someone's back.

I guess according to you, your wife should have told every man she met "I can't sleep with you because I may meet someone one day that will hold it against me and ruin our marriage."

Life and relationships are difficult enough without you adding stupid drama to it.

aliseaodo
Mar 17, 2014, 09:39 AM
The problem started as one day we were together in our room and intimate with each other and she took the name of the guy she was with before our marriage and that too after one year of our marriage..
Are you saying that she was with him again, after you were married?

ScottGem
Mar 17, 2014, 10:19 AM
Are you saying that she was with him again, after you were married?

What I took that to mean was she called him by that guy's name while they were being intimate.

Oliver2011
Mar 17, 2014, 11:02 AM
What I took that to mean was she called him by that guy's name while they were being intimate.

Me as well.

smoothy
Mar 17, 2014, 11:04 AM
I third that. Never saw any idication she was unfaithful to him after he met her in this thread.

coolhulk79x
Mar 17, 2014, 11:09 AM
Did she call out this guy's name while you were being intimate? That's what isn't clear from your post. If she did, I can understand you being upset. Otherwise, this is something that happened before you were together and shouldn't have any impact on your feelings for her.

Ya she took his name after about 1 years of being married with me.so the thing which I can't get below my throat is that she still has feelings for him or loves him
And remembers him as there relationship never broke off till she met me, as ours was a arranged marriage.

coolhulk79x
Mar 17, 2014, 11:14 AM
Why would you consider a divorce or separation because YOU cannot handle the truth? Most couples I know including myself, find out many things that were not initially known before marriage or for years after.

I highly suggest you deal with her hurt, guilt, or shame in a compassionate manner as you grapple with your own feeling about this. Her fear of your reaction and her guilt of what happened deserve understanding, not punishment or selfish self pity. Only a fool would tear up his family rather than work to make it better.

Only a fool expects every detail to be revealed at his time instead of the right time. Personally I fail to see why this is a big deal after 3 years of bonding, or how her past cannot be accepted. Shock and disappointment can be overcome, as her past actions were maybe a mistake she has already paid an emotional price for, and further punishment by you is both impulsive and unfair.

What did she claim to be a virgin or something?
Well see as ours was a arranged marriage and she did claimed to be a virgin,which actually didn't turned out ,as she wasn't one.and the big problem is not her past but she taking his name while making love to me anf that to after a year of being married to me.what to do of that
Actually they never broke up till the date hwr marriage was fixed with me .so maybe she still loves or feels for him

smoothy
Mar 17, 2014, 11:14 AM
Get over it... there has to be some girl or woman in your past you remember... You can't erase memories... you can't shut off feelings... I've been married for 23 years... there are women I knew before I met my wife... some of them I have feelings for that aren't bad ones... what effect does that have with my wife? None at all because I'm not sneaking off to see any of them.

What's in the past... is in the past. Nobody can change the past... what happens today... and tomorrow is what matters... and the choices you make in the future.

IF she sneaks off , rents a hotel room with him... then you have something to worry about. As long as she is faithful to you... which means here and now... not something that happened before she even knew you existed, which she doesn't have to answer to you or anyone else about....nor is it your business to obsess over... then you have nothing to worry or think about.

coolhulk79x
Mar 17, 2014, 11:19 AM
Are you saying that she was with him again, after you were married?

No she was not with him.she was with me amd we were intimate with each other and she took his name while making love to me with her eyes closed

coolhulk79x
Mar 17, 2014, 11:24 AM
Get over it... there has to be some girl or woman in your past you remember... You can't erase memories... you can't shut off feelings... I've been married for 23 years... there are women I knew before I met my wife... some of them I have feelings for that aren't bad ones... what effect does that have with my wife? None at all because I'm not sneaking off to see any of them.

What's in the past... is in the past. Nobody can change the past... what happens today... and tomorrow is what matters... and the choices you make in the future.

IF she sneaks off , rents a hotel room with him... then you have something to worry about. As long as she is faithful to you... which means here and now... not something that happened before she even knew you existed, which she doesn't have to answer to you or anyone else about....nor is it your business to obsess over... then you have nothing to worry or think about.

Ok see sir firstly I didn't had any girl or women in my past before I met her.adding to that even if I forget about her past and everything ,but what about she taking name of that guy I'm front of me and that to with her eyes closed and making love to me,isn't that something to worry about,this is also a kind of emotional cheating.

Wondergirl
Mar 17, 2014, 11:29 AM
I sometimes catch myself signing my maiden name on a check -- and I've been married almost 47 years. The human brain is a wondrous thing, and sometimes our memories buried in our unconscious rise to the surface, especially when we are joyful or hearing a certain song or smelling certain smells. I can remember my high school boyfriends by name and their birthdays when that calendar date comes around and the names of their family members. Like smoothy said, my husband is the one I live with and come home to at night and cook for and do laundry for.

***ADDED*** No, it's not emotional cheating. Something must have triggered a memory -- and I would take it as a compliment that you have made her happy.

smoothy
Mar 17, 2014, 11:48 AM
Ok see sir firstly I didn't had any girl or women in my past before I met her.adding to that even if I forget about her past and everything ,but what about she taking name of that guy I'm front of me and that to with her eyes closed and making love to me,isn't that something to worry about,this is also a kind of emotional cheating.

Well because YOU didn't didn't date any other women, you can't expect everyone else not to have. THat happens in every culture...even those with arrainged marriages. I know this ecause I know people who dated many people before their arrainged marriage...Men and women. Why do I find it impossible to believe that there was never another female that you have been attracted to or liked in your entire life before marrying this one? Despite being an arrainged marriage which I believe is the case here.

I suppose you have never in your life... even once said something at a moment you should not have? I also suppose you have never at any point... thought of someone else, some actress... someone else you might have known or just saw in a movie, TV, or have seen at some store.

If you say no.. then you are the first person who doesn't have an imagination.. or had a fantasy in the history of mankind. Because every other man and woman alive has... what most do not do is actually act on it... a word or name slipping out means nothing. Unless of course you do not feel that you are worthy of her affections. If you did, you would know that you are with her.. and nobody else is. And that should be enough.

Its not emotional cheating... Is she calling him on the phone? NO, is she writing him letters? NO, is she sneaking out and meeting him when you are out of th house? NO. So its NOT emotional cheating. Its not any form of cheating at all.

I see a VERY unhealthy amount of Jealousy on your part, as well as controlling behaviour. You are trying to control her thoughts... you are Jealous of someone who isn't even part of her current life when you really have no reason to be.

Here is a warning from a fellow man... and please take it serious. Because I understand women a bit better than most men do.

She hasn't cheated on you, and there is no indication she is even thinking about it... but if you continue doing what you are... you are going to make her want to because if you start throwing this in her face, then that is emotional abuse. That will drive anyone in any culture into cheating if it happens long enough. Man or woman.

And yes I know enough people who are in arrainged marriages to know it happens there as well and for the same reasons.

Cat1864
Mar 17, 2014, 11:49 AM
No she was not with him.she was with me amd we were intimate with each other and she took his name while making love to me with her eyes closed
coolhulk, in English 'took' and 'take' usually refer to marriage or being in a relationship. To 'take' his name means to change her last name to his.

The words you might want to use to clear up any confusion are 'called out' or 'said'.

What is said in passion isn't always what the person is thinking. The mind can make connections that do not exist when the person is in a more rational mental state.

I realize that I come from a very different culture than you do. I have always felt like a woman (or man) should not have to hide their past to be accepted by their partner nor should they be forced/coerced into giving details if they do not want to share.

She should not have lied, but think about what would have been said or done if she hadn't. Self protection/preservation is a very human reaction. In the end she chose to marry you. She has been with you and had your child. she has made a home and family with you, not him. She has given you so much more than he ever received. She had one moment out of how many hours, minutes and seconds when her brain misfired.

No relationship/marriage is perfect. I can't say how she feels about him. I can say that I look back on my exes with fondness because I refuse to be bitter, but I hold my husband tightly in my heart and mind. He is my present and my future. The others are pictures in a box. That may be how you sees her relationship with you. Would you want to destroy that over misplaced jealousy?

Would you consider marriage counseling to help you both get passed this hurdle? It has been affecting your marriage for far too long. Can you try letting it go and encouraging her to let the guilt go and start over in building the relationship?

ScottGem
Mar 17, 2014, 12:04 PM
Ya she took his name after about 1 years of being married with me.

I realize that there may be a language barrier here. But I really do not understand what "took his name" means. You need to explain that in more detail. Did she call out his name while you were being intimate or what? This is really the key to this situation. It is one thing to have had previous relationships and that's really nothing to get upset over. Its another to call out another person's name during intimacy. But even that is not so terrible, but does need to be dealt with.

smoothy
Mar 17, 2014, 12:43 PM
I realize that there may be a language barrier here. But I really do not understand what "took his name" means. You need to explain that in more detail. Did she call out his name while you were being intimate or what? This is really the key to this situation. It is one thing to have had previous relationships and that's really nothing to get upset over. Its another to call out another person's name during intimacy. But even that is not so terrible, but does need to be dealt with.
I'm assuming she said his name in the middle of the two of them having sex by accident. And I based my answers on that. And he's upset that he wasn't the first and only man she's ever so much as talked to.

I'm also assuming she was expected to have spent her entire life separated away from all men in some religious institution until the moment they married.

talaniman
Mar 17, 2014, 12:45 PM
He means called out the exes name in a time of intimacy folks. And it would be a huge problem if this is his first female experience, let alone marriage to a stranger. Add that to she wasn't a virgin as expected, then the problem is how he handles this double ego whammy when he has no experience.

I highly suggest the seeking of a wiser trusted counsel before making the rash impulse of raging emotion. Given the nation, country, or culture, typical, traditional, professional counseling may not be available, or even exist as we know it in the western world.

I think maybe your best recourse at this time Coolhulk, is sit your wife down and tell her honestly of your hurt conflicting feelings and that you are overwhelmed but promise to consider she has been a good wife so far, and you will try to overcome and deal with your feelings. In this way you both can help each other overcome this obstacle together and be bonded by the common goal of family and loyal commitment.

A mature man forgives without punishment as she has been a good wife, maybe a great one for 3 years and that should never be forgotten or ignored. It should be appreciated and celebrated.

She has been a great wife despite her inner conflict from what had to be a devastating heart break, hasn't she? Just be fair about it guy, and take into account she didn't lie or deceive, just needed to find the courage and trust to tell you, and calling out the name of another in rapture of passion should be forgiven, as we all make mistakes that hurt our partners, and pray for understanding and forgiveness.

Talk and resolve this with the kindness it deserves and you will eventually be able to let it go. In the west we go fishing or some such endeavor that allows us as men to let the dust settle and handle our problems in wise and mature ways, without destroying our lies, or the people in it. Plus I am sure she apologized profusely after screwing up.

Alty
Mar 17, 2014, 05:48 PM
Love can't be forced. You two were arranged to be married, and she did her duty and married you. You've not mentioned her being unfaithful during your marriage, so it seems that she continues to do her duty as your arranged wife.

She may very well still have feelings for her ex, but she married you. She may not be in love with you, only she knows if she is or isn't, but she seems to be committed to your marriage.

Are you in love with her? If you are, why can't you look past her past? Love her for who she is now. Yes, she said her exes name during an intimate moment with you. Sometimes the brain has a hiccup and says things it doesn't mean.

Have you talked to her about this? Have you told her how you feel?

coolhulk79x
Mar 17, 2014, 09:50 PM
Love can't be forced. You two were arranged to be married, and she did her duty and married you. You've not mentioned her being unfaithful during your marriage, so it seems that she continues to do her duty as your arranged wife.

She may very well still have feelings for her ex, but she married you. She may not be in love with you, only she knows if she is or isn't, but she seems to be committed to your marriage.

Are you in love with her? If you are, why can't you look past her past? Love her for who she is now. Yes, she said her exes name during an intimate moment with you. Sometimes the brain has a hiccup and says things it doesn't mean.

Have you talked to her about this? Have you told her how you feel?

Ya I do talked to her about this and she apolosized for that too and said sorry a lot of times that fay when we talked and since then we are libing together but we haven't talked to each other till date.ya I do love her but I am unsure of her feelings for me.and adding to that I also want to tell that somejow I caj get over her past relation but the name thing like whay she called out at night while being intimate with me is the bigger issue with me to deal.cant able to understand this that if wr had spent 1 year happily together then why suddenly she called out his name..

Fr_Chuck
Mar 17, 2014, 09:52 PM
It appears, as noted, she has been faithful during marriage, and while you may not. Many many people, image other people while having sex. It may be more serious in your culture, but in western culture, this is much more common

coolhulk79x
Mar 17, 2014, 09:57 PM
He means called out the exes name in a time of intimacy folks. And it would be a huge problem if this is his first female experience, let alone marriage to a stranger. Add that to she wasn't a virgin as expected, then the problem is how he handles this double ego whammy when he has no experience.

I highly suggest the seeking of a wiser trusted counsel before making the rash impulse of raging emotion. Given the nation, country, or culture, typical, traditional, professional counseling may not be available, or even exist as we know it in the western world.

I think maybe your best recourse at this time Coolhulk, is sit your wife down and tell her honestly of your hurt conflicting feelings and that you are overwhelmed but promise to consider she has been a good wife so far, and you will try to overcome and deal with your feelings. In this way you both can help each other overcome this obstacle together and be bonded by the common goal of family and loyal commitment.

A mature man forgives without punishment as she has been a good wife, maybe a great one for 3 years and that should never be forgotten or ignored. It should be appreciated and celebrated.

She has been a great wife despite her inner conflict from what had to be a devastating heart break, hasn't she? Just be fair about it guy, and take into account she didn't lie or deceive, just needed to find the courage and trust to tell you, and calling out the name of another in rapture of passion should be forgiven, as we all make mistakes that hurt our partners, and pray for understanding and forgiveness.

Talk and resolve this with the kindness it deserves and you will eventually be able to let it go. In the west we go fishing or some such endeavor that allows us as men to let the dust settle and handle our problems in wise and mature ways, without destroying our lies, or the people in it. Plus I am sure she apologized profusely after screwing up.

Ya we have talked and she appologized to me for that when we talked of it sinve then its about 3 months ans we haven't talked to each other.its been 2 years of our marriage now and one more thing to understand here is that she was in a relationship with that guy even when he refused to
Marry her.she told me that when her relationship was 1.5 years old she asked her boyfriend to get married but he refused but still they were in a relationship for 1.5 more years ,a total of 3 years .and now after marrying me she still feels for him that ways .thats why she called out him name in intimacy.jow to deal it

talaniman
Mar 17, 2014, 09:59 PM
Because old loves can haunt us forever, but being insecure doesn't help. Sometimes the hurts never heal, but we deal with them better with time. I think that's what you need now, just more time to get some confidence back. I know how you feel, its impossible to forget, so just forgive and work on the positive things you have and be grateful.

The lesson I learned over the years is that as bad as things seem, they could be a lot worse. Nothing wrong with not understanding, but put yourself in her shoes for a minute, after you screw up (and you will), how do you want to be treated?

Alty
Mar 18, 2014, 03:44 PM
I can't say that I wouldn't be upset if my husband called out his exes name while we were making love. I know it would bother me. But, it wouldn't bother me enough to ruin my marriage.

It's just a name. I've called him many names, the dogs, the kids, the rabbits, once I even called him my exes name, but we weren't having sex at the time. He laughed about it. Heck, for the first 3 weeks we were together I called him Rob. It was really loud in the bar where we met, and when he said his name I thought he said Rob. It took him 3 weeks to finally tell me that his name wasn't Rob, and I did have an ex by that name.

I understand that you're hurt, but part of marriage is working things out, picking your battles, and realizing that there are some things that aren't worth ruining your marriage over. In the grand scheme of things, this is a very small issue. If you're so insecure that it's ruining your relationship with your wife, I would suggest counseling. What you're doing now is not only not right, it's not healthy. Much bigger issues will come up in your married life. If you can't handle a minor one like this, your marriage is doomed to fail.

speedball1
Apr 19, 2014, 06:47 AM
This guy needs a reality check. Did he think That he was getting a virgin ? You worry about what comes after the marriag andnot what took place before. Goo luck, Tom

interestedlife
Apr 20, 2014, 06:39 AM
She gets no credit for being honest?