I been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and he has 3 kids with his ex, and I have one, and we have a baby together. His kids are so bad and yell at me constantly when I tell them what to do, and me and my boyfriend fight so much over it. He says I don't discipline my son like that. His kids are stressing me out so much and there's so much chaos. I'm always battling it out with his daughter and he doesn't like my son. What should I do? I have a chance to move out. Should I move out or not?

I cannot say if you should move out or not, but I can say if the adults cannot get on the same page through communication and not fighting, its time to re evaluate the whole relationship. You have to be honest with yourself and often a temporary break to regroup, and cool off is a good start when emotions run high.

You both really should start saying hello to Mr. Condom.

You both really should start saying hello to Mr. Condom.

Lol. I actually did get pregnant on the pill with our baby . And when we got together he didn't have custody of them. But afterlife a yr he got all three and its been so chaotic since.

Four kids in one house will be hectic even if they are from the same parents.

It wasn't that bad until he got custody of his three. Its been so chaotic since! His kids aren't very respectful and ourr fights are all over that. And I don't want to raise my kids in such a chaotic stressful environment .

You and him need to come to some agreement on behaviour and discipline that's equal between all kids involved... and lay down the law to everyone.

They will only get away with what you both allow them to get away with.

If you two can't come to an agreement you both can live with... then you need to entertain moving out...

Four kids in one house will be hectic even if they are from the same parents.

Yes your right but it's a different kind of chaotic , if that makes sense.. its easier for me to handle where its mine at times . I can't even tell his daughter to stop doing something or don't be mean to your brothers . She absolutely flips out on me screaming and yelling 'i hate you!'.. my boyfriend does discipline her but she just does not listen . We have a baby that I don't want him raised around all this fighting . You know .

How old are all the kids?

So he is not backing you and actually condoning their bad behavior in front of his kids.
Therefore
They see it as approval that they are allowed to treat you that way
They know daddy will back them up, therefore his disrespecting you is giving them the right to disrespect you. So you have 4 against you and your son.
If he can't get some backbone structure of 2 adults teaching kids how to be a respectful family I'd say it's a losing battle and you should pack it up and move.

And why you have to come to an agreement on acceptable behaviour and discipline that applies to all four kids equally... and you both make it clear they are to obey both of you... or suffer the consequences.

In effect you can't let the inmates run the prison.

I, too, cannot tell you to stay or go, but there are some things for you to consider:

For the baby's sake, you both need to agree on parenting choices. If you do move out, you will still have to co-parent the youngest with him.

Did he have the same issues with your son before his three moved in or the baby came? Is he trying to be more friend than Father to his children because of their history? If he was like this before the added children, I would consider walking. If he wasn't, I would look how things have changed and if his behavior is more defensive than offensive. Is he getting upset because he feels like he is in over his head?

You might also look at how you interact with his children. Are you taking a more disciplinarian role because he isn't or doesn't seem to be? You should be obeyed, but he needs to take the lead where his children are concerned just like you should take the lead with your son.

Are the children the only issue or are they the main manifestation of other problems such as communication breakdowns? If you could agree on a compromise about the children would you still want to leave?

Are you willing to put more energy into this relationship or have you had enough? If you stay, is there someone who could take the children for several hours/a day so that you can sit down and discuss the issues without little ears and interruptions? Would you be willing to try couple's counseling? If that isn't an option, what would you think about attending a parenting class with him?

If you move out, are you prepared to go through the proper channels to set up child visitation, support, etc.

Does his daughter have issues that maybe go deeper than wanting to get her way? Is she acting out because of something bothering her?

So he is not backing you and actually condoning their bad behavior in front of his kids.
Therefore
They see it as approval that they are allowed to treat you that way
they know daddy will back them up, therefore his disrespecting you is giving them the right to disrespect you. So you have 4 against you and your son.
If he can't get some backbone structure of 2 adults teaching kids how to be a respectful family I'd say its a losing battle and you should pack it up and move.
He don't always back them up. A few times though when we argued he said I was probably mean to his kids so his daughter remembers that and now when I just tell her, not yell, just tell her to stop whining or to do something , she flips out yelling she's telling her dad. But he does back me up always . His boys aren't thanks bad but his daughter doesn't listen at all and no matter what I say she flips out over the tiniest things . I'm so tired of fighting and arguing wishes a 12yr old. Its too much chaos . And I don't want my 10yr old and 1yr old growing up listening to that . You know..

You fig she would realize by now if she tells her dad then she's just going to get yelled at twice but she's just hoping that that may be a day her dad is angry at me ir something and get angry at me for yelling at his kids. Because like I said their have been few times me and him fought and his kids heard him tell me his kids are probably right and that I'm probably mean to them. So that rite there probably messed sum things up. His kids are jealous of my 10yr old because he's a mamma's boy (their not around their mom a lot) and I'm easy and lovey dovey with him but he's my son. Me and his kids don't really bond a lot. We talk of course and get along when their being good but soon as I try and discipline one of them, especially the daughter , their disrespectful to me. And my son don't talk like that to my boyfriend... I have a chance to move out this month and I'm so stressed. I don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend so much butwe fight constantly over these kids.

Ever since he got his kids its chaos! Me n his kiddie argue all the time! So bad where he has even kicked me out numerous times due to the fighting with them then me and him start fighting . His kids see and remember all that so now when their mad at me they scream and tell their dad they hate me and they wish ide leave again! It'd ridiculous!

Do you ever play with them? Have fun with them?

I, too, cannot tell you to stay or go, but there are some things for you to consider:

For the baby's sake, you both need to agree on parenting choices. If you do move out, you will still have to co-parent the youngest with him.

Did he have the same issues with your son before his three moved in or the baby came? Is he trying to be more friend than Father to his children because of their history? If he was like this before the added children, I would consider walking. If he wasn't, I would look how things have changed and if his behavior is more defensive than offensive. Is he getting upset because he feels like he is in over his head?

You might also look at how you interact with his children. Are you taking a more disciplinarian role because he isn't or doesn't seem to be? You should be obeyed, but he needs to take the lead where his children are concerned just like you should take the lead with your son.

Are the children the only issue or are they the main manifestation of other problems such as communication breakdowns? If you could agree on a compromise about the children would you still want to leave?

Are you willing to put more energy into this relationship or have you had enough? If you stay, is there someone who could take the children for several hours/a day so that you can sit down and discuss the issues without little ears and interruptions? Would you be willing to try couple's counseling? If that isn't an option, what would you think about attending a parenting class with him?

If you move out, are you prepared to go through the proper channels to set up child visitation, support, etc.

Does his daughter have issues that maybe go deeper than wanting to get her way? Is she acting out because of something bothering her? he is a very good disciplinary. My boyfriend disciplines the kids extremely well and is fair with all them. He's not more friend than father but his kids don't have their mom around a lot so their jealous at my son because my son has me. I get along with them but as I mentioned earlier their very disrespectful when I yell at them. And it wasn't that hard when it was just me him and my son. When his kids came their was so much fighting and chaos and getting used to three kids is not easy. They came down to visit and there mom pretty much said for us to Keep them because she can't handle them always fighting and arguing . So I had to adapt just like that . My boyfriend is good at grounding them and disciplining them. His daughter is main problem '! Even when their dad yells at her she's always screaming and arguing back and if I even tell her to stop doing something, she flips out like a banshee! Then theirs more yelling because she's screaming at him telling him I was mean then he yells at her for yelling at me. Its been two yrs and I'm tired of the chaos! I'm tired of listening to her run her mouth over everything!! And every time she gets yelled she screams and says my son never gets yelled at and he does this and thatt... she'll go on and on about my son. And when she thinks I'm not listening she will start with my son and be mean to him because she id jealous of him. When I tell her tp stop of course she yells and flips out. At times my boyfriend will make a comment about me saying something to her because he says I'm just sticking up for my son. Then that starts an argument . But there's times il yell at her for fighting with his other son. But he don't make a comment about that . But if its my son sometimes my boyfriend will comment that I'm just doing it because its my son. We've talked and talked numerous times about this and we just keep trying but it all stays same. I'm exhausted! I am tired of dealing with this . Its enough! His kkids are a lot to handle and he says my son is toi much for him. Mind you he has 3i have to deal with and I have 1 he has to deal with...

We have talked so much about all this. We keep saying we'll try but it comes down to the kids. I have left tons of times because all this then I miss my boyfriend and come back. His daughter says she don't like me and my son don't like my boyfriend (cuz he is very strict ) and my son don't like that. My boyfriend can treat me awesome like a queen but he can have a temper and say things he shouldn't in front of kids . Then I get mad and tell him don't talk to me like that in front of my son and that starts a fight.. I just don't think all this is going to change

i just don't think all this is gonna change
The two of you need to get your cows in the same pasture -- which means be on the same page -- which means communicate much better with each other than what you are doing right now. You can't just cut and run every time things go sour (or you think they are) or every time you two have a fight.

Any chance the two of you can go to a few counseling sessions to talk with an unbiased someone about your relationship? And then move the conversation into TOGETHER parenting your blended family?

The two of you need to get your cows in the same pasture -- which means be on the same page -- which means communicate much better with each other than what you are doing right now. You can't just cut and run every time things go sour (or you think they are) or every time you two have a fight.

Any chance the two of you can go to a few counseling sessions to talk with an unbiased someone about your relationship? And then move the conversation into TOGETHER parenting your blended family? I didn't leave willingly . He actually kicks me out every time it gets real bad. Not every time but a lot. I'm tired of being told to leave and packing up a10yr old and a baby.. and his kids just don't listen . The are constantly fighting and nit picking at my son. Then it gets out of control . I can't live like this. His kids flip out so much on me. My son wld never have the guts to yell at my boyfriend like his daughter does to me. She gets yelled at but does it again the same day.. and his boy has mild autism . Always angry and makes negative digs and comments to all other kids continuously! Every day all day. Soon as he walks outside around other kids within few minutes he's saying something! So he's constantly being corrected.

Leave!!

Leave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so confused ! I do love my boyfriend ssooo much but I can't take all this chaos... I have a chance to move out in 2 weeks and I swear I have ulcers in my stomach due to worrying! Its counting down and don't know what to do when 2weeks gets here! Do I go or not!?

I feel so stuck and confused...

I feel like I only have few weeks to make a huge final decision... my mind's so boggled I'm about to Have a nervous break down..

I feel like i only have few weeks to make a huge final decision... my mind's so boggled I'm about to Have a nervous break down ..

And that will be good for the kids how?

And that will be good for the kids how?

What you mean ? Moving out or staying wouldn't be Google for kids?? Moving out was an option because there is so much fighting and arguing wishes his kids and we have a baby that I don't want him raised around all the fighting and chaos. His kids are also jealous because my son has me , his mother and they don't . I bond wishes them but soon as I have to tell them what to do or not to do something they flip...

soon as i have to tell them what to do or not to do something they flip......
Harshness Alert

I have gotten the feeling you are contributing to some of the chaos by how you are managing the children. You have become just another child and end up fighting and arguing. That's why I suggested you and your boyfriend find a counselor and figure out how to communicate with each other and be on the same page regarding the kids, and then parent them so the chaos disappears.

For instance, you have no status with his children, Therefore, you cannot TELL them what to do. As you have seen, it doesn't work that way. But there IS a way to make your blended family work.

Harshness Alert

I have gotten the feeling you are contributing to some of the chaos by how you are t the children. You have become just another child and end up fighting and arguing. That's why I suggested you and your boyfriend find a counselor and figure out how to communicate with each other and be on the same page regarding the kids, and then parent them so the chaos disappears.

For instance, you have no status with his children,. Therefore, you cannot. WTELL them what to do. As you have seen, it doesn't work that way. But there IS a way to make your blended family work.
Well all the kids know were the boss and they must listen. The boys aren't nearly half as bad as his daughter . I know its her age and hormones too but I came even say anything to her. Ex:she was whining because she was playing game of football with the boys and when boys made a touchdown, she started yelling that its not fair and on and on n on..,. I just said in normal tone to stop whining , that's the name of the game ! Each team tries to get touchdowns.. you came play if your going to get mad each time they score. That's what their supposed to do. Were at the park and she started yelling she hates me and I always yell at her and told her dad I was up there' being ssooo mean to her!! She totally lied her off! I didn't even yell. I told her. She's extremely immature for her age. Its very obvious and she can't play games with other kids or anything . Shell very selfish and has poor socialization skills... she's a brat! There... il say it. Call me mean or whatever but she a brat.. very mouthy and disrespectful!!

wen boys made a touchdown ,, she started yelling that its not fair and on n on n on...,. I just said in normal tone to stop whining , that's the name of the game !
She's mouthy and disrespectful because you lead her in that direction. I would have been mouthy and disrespectful (and you would have too) had someone said that to me.

Why couldn't you have empathized with her -- "Yup, it really seems unfair about those touchdowns, doesn't it" That would have given her a chance to express herself better than just yelling at you and acting out.

Do you ever play with these kids and have fun, or are you the great disciplinarian who is always riding herd on them?

Why are you putting this added stress of a time limit to leave on yourself? What's that all about?

I say just make a decision to leave and be done with it and forget all this emotional back and forth, since neither of the adults seem to be able to run this household one because you both have issue with each others children, and YOU obviously resent HIS kids for changing your home.

I just don't think you guys work well together under pressure despite the good qualities you both have. Blending a family is a huge endeavor, and you two just don't have the unity, or patience to do it. And obviously you cannot just hang in and keep working.

So this experiment has FAILED. Back up, start over. There is no mutual commitment or plan,
just the chaos him and his children have caused. LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah it was great when it was just you, him, YOUR kid and a baby (How old I that baby?), but add his older kids in the mix, everything has changed and moved you out of your comfort zone. Ain't what you contracted for is it? So just leave and be done with the chaos.

Maybe you both can get it together later, but for now, its best if you get it together apart.

Harshness Alert

I have gotten the feeling you are contributing to some of the chaos by how you are managing the children. You have become just another child and end up fighting and arguing. That's why I suggested you and your boyfriend find a counselor and figure out how to communicate with each other and be on the same page regarding the kids, and then parent them so the chaos disappears.

For instance, you have no status with his children,. Therefore, you cannot TELL them what to do. As you have seen, it doesn't work that way. But there IS a way to make your blended family work.

I 100% agree. But whatelse is new?

Well all the kids know were the boss and they must listen. the boys aren't nearly half as bad as his daughter . i know its her age and hormones too but i came even say anything to her. ex:she was whining because she was playing game of football with the t and wen boys made a touchdown ,, she started yelling that its not fair and on n on n on...,. I just said in normal tone to stop whining , that's the name of the game ! Each team tries to get touchdowns.. you came play if ur gonna get mad each time they score. that's what their supposed to do. were at the park and she started yelling she hates me and i always yell at her and told her dad i was up there' being ssooo mean to her!!!! She totally lied her off!! I didn't even yell. i told her. shes extremely immature for her age. its very obvious and she can't play games with other kids or anything . shell very selfish and has poor socialization skills... she's a brat!! There... il say it. call me mean or whatever but she a brat.. very mouthy and disrespectful !!!
His boys aren't as pouty as she is.and they don't freak out yelling just cause I tell them to do something.. they may sigh and mumble under their breath but nothing like the girl . She hates being told when to do and constantly complains. She's mean . Always tries to act bossy to the boys and hits them and yells at them. I'm telling you she's a brat! I been around tons of kids and she's a selfish mouthy little girl! Every one (adults ) says they can't believe how ignorant she is.

She's mouthy and disrespectful because you lead her in that direction. I would have been mouthy and disrespectful (and you would have to o) had someone said that to me.

Why couldn't you have empathized with her -- "Yup, it really seems unfair about those touchdowns, doesn't it" That would have given her a chance to express herself better than just yelling at you and acting out.

Do you ever play with these kids and have fun, or are you the great disciplinarian who is always riding herd on them?
Yes we do stuff all the time together . And you have to understand it may even sound harsh reading it but when I said that to her at the park able whining, I said it in a very calm cool and collect voice . It didn't sound mean at all. It didn't sound like an order or anything . Even when her dad tells her something simple , she yells 'OMG' over and over and complains and complains... over simple things! She's disrespectful to others too not just us. We had so many complaints from her friends parents and people at park because of her attitude... we do do stuff as a family . Me and my boyfriend have a 1yr old back together . All the kids are great with the baby..

Yes we do stuff all the time together . and u have to understand it may even sound harsh reading it but when i said that to her at the park able whining ,, i said it in a very calm cool n collect voice . it didn't sound mean at all. It didn't sound like an order or anything . even when her dad tells her something simple , she yells 'OMG' over n over and complains and complains......over simple things !! She's disrespectful to others too not just us. we had so many complaints from her friends parents and ppl at park because of her attitude .... we do do stuff as a family . me n my boyfriend have a 1yr old back together . all the kids are great with the baby ..

From the way it sounds you focus way too much on the negative and not enough when they do something positive. So the kids want attention and since they can't get it with positive behavior they use negative behavior to get it. Think about it without a bunch of written down excuses typed on this website. I used to teach behavior modification and you don't modify behaviors with negative interactions. You do it through positive discipline and structure. Like Wondergirl said you are definitely adding to the chaos and negativity of that house. So change your behaviors and you will see changes in the kids.

Again - think about it without excuses replying on this website.

I think you should leave. This is crazy, He puts you out then you come back. The kids see this. This is not a stable condition. Maybe the daughter is angry about her mom being away, so she has issues. Counseling needs to be had for that.
Not all blended families work and you still have to be a parent to your two.
If he agrees to parent counseling, give it a try. If he does not, leave.

Why are you putting this added stress of a time limit to leave on yourself? What's that all about?

I say just make a decision to leave and be done with it and forget all this emotional back and forth, since neither of the adults seem to be able to run this household one because you tboth have issue with each others children, and YOU obviously resent HIS kids for changing your home.

I just don't think you guys work well together under pressure despite the good qualities you both have. Blending a family is a huge endeavor, and you two just don't have the unity, or patience to do it. And obviously you cannot just hang in and keep working.

So this experiment has FAILED. Back up, start over. There is no mutual commitment or plan,
just the chaos him and his children have caused. LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah it was great when it was just you, him, YOUR kid and a baby (How old I that baby?), but add his older kids in the mix, everything has changed and moved you out of your comfort zone. Ain't what you contracted for is it? So just leave and be done with the chaos.

Maybe you both can get it together later, but for now, its best if you get it together apart. who is talaniman. Are you n wonder girl same person? Sorry got confused because their was so many replies.. lol. The moving out date I'm stressing over is because in two weeks theirs a house going to be ready if I want it . If I don't they need to know so they can rent it out to someone else . So the day they call I have to tell landlord yes I want it or no.

Does your boyfriend know of this move you are contemplating?

She's mouthy and disrespectful because you lead her in that direction. I would have been mouthy and disrespectful (and you would have too) had someone said that to me. if i wld have said that to her wen she was mad while playing football , 'yup that doesn't seem fair' .. she wld havesaid i was being a smartass.. she turns everything upside down!!! i justifications think she hates it that she can't be with her mother .

Why couldn't you have empathized with her -- "Yup, it really seems unfair about those touchdowns, doesn't it" That would have given her a chance to express herself better than just yelling at you and acting ou
Do you ever play with these kids and have fun, or are you the great disciplinarian who is always riding herd on them? I feel she's just bitter . Maybe its her age but every thing has to be her way or no way.. we can sit there's and watch her hit her brothers then when we tell her to stop she don't justifications get little mad, she flips out...

then wen we tell her to stop
And that's the wrong way to handle it.

i feel she's just bitter . maybe its her age but every thing has to be her way or no way.. we can sit there's and watch her hit her brothers then wen we tell her to stop she don't justifications get lil mad, she flips out.....

And when she does this her father does what about it?

Does your boyfriend know of this move you are contemplating?
He doesn't know completely about me moving . Every time he fights with me n gets really mad, he'll tell me to pack my kids up (the baby is his n mine too) and leave . Last time he said it I told him given me few weeks and il be out. But a day later when he's not mad anymore, nothing more is said about it... he'll really go off on me and say nasty stuff in front of the kids . My son cries and gets upset from hearing what he says to me. And to be honest, few times he has pushed me around some..


And that's the wrong way to handle it.
Why is that wrong way? We can't tell boys not to do it but let her.. . we just don't say stop. We explain that the boys aren't allowed to touch her so she can't hit them either...

he'll really go off on me and say nasty stuff in front of the kids,, few times he has pushed me around some..
This situation is totally out of control. The parents are acting like their out-of-control children. Or, more likely, the children are imitating their out-of-control parents.

And when she does this her father does what about it?
He is a very good dad. He does take my side and disciplines them very fairly .

Why is that wrong way?? We can't tell boys not to do it but let her. .. we just don't say stop. we explain that the boys aren't allowed to touch her so she can't hit them either .......
I am hearing only negatives. If someone said "Don't do this" and "Don't do that" to you all the time, how would you react?

He doesn't know completely about me moving . every time he fights with me n gets really mad, he'll tell me to pack my kids up (the baby is his n mine too) and leave . Last time he said it i told him given me few weeks and il be out. But a day later wen he's not mad anymore ,, nothing more is said about it...he'll really go off on me and say nasty stuff in front of the kids . my son cries and gets upset from hearing what he says to me. and to be honest ,, few times he has pushed me around some..
I don't think his daughter likes her dad having a girlfriend. I think she's a little jealous .

I don't think his daughter likes her dad having a gf. i think she's a lil jealous .
Especially if that girlfriend is bossing her around and telling what to do and not do.

I think the dad and the girl have issues and you're in the middle of them. Maybe he and his daughter need to do some counseling.
I'd leave though unless he agrees to do family counseling and actually does it. This situation is not good. All blended families don't work. Did you guys discuss these things before all the kids moved in?

I am hearing only negatives. If someone said "Don't do this" and "Don't do that" to you all the time, how would you react?
But we cannot just let them do things their not allowed to do. And with 5kids there is a lot of correcting. We do have a lot of structure . The kids are in a good routine for mostly all things like getting ready for school in morning and homework time after.. and there's not constant correcting. I'm just venting all the problems because of course the good stuff I want it to stay that way.. we are always taking them places and do stuff together . But like I said with so many kids there's always one of them having a dilemma . It cld be something like their fighting with another kid up at the park that I have to take care of. Few days can go by without sum arguing between them though

But we cannot just let them do things their not allowed to do. and with 5kids their is a lot of correcting.
But there is a good way to correct where you don't create more chaos and upset and hard feelings (and conflict with your boyfriend).

But there is a good way to correct where you don't create more chaos and upset and hard feelings (and conflict with your boyfriend).

I think the problem is with the daughter and the dad which is why the daughter is this way with her. It does not help when the dad has put out her out a few times and she hears the dad yell at her. He should tell her to not discipline her are all. Dad needs to have a talk with his daughter
I don't think this is all her fault.

I think the problem is with the daughter and the dad which is why the daughter is this way with her. It does not help when the dad has put out her out a few times and she hears the dad yell at her. He should tell her to not discipline her are all. dad needs to have a talk with his daughter
I don't think this is all her fault.
No, it's not all anyone's fault. They need family counseling to get the entire family act together.

I don't think his daughter likes her dad having a gf. i think she's a lil jealous .

Holy crappies this is really some of the worst parenting I've heard on this website.

You and the boyfriend are responsible for this mess. You and the boyfriend created this mess. There are lives at stake here - lives you and your boyfriend are screwing up with your really horrid lack of parenting skills. If you and the boyfriend continue to behave as you have described here, the behaviors you see now will be a blessing compared to what you will see in 5 and 10 years.

Realize that your parenting skills are horrid and get some help.

I see it this way... these kids would be expected to listen to a babysitter... and respect them... I believe they are under the same obligations to listen to her as well... no she's not their mom.. but she's an adult that lives in the house and has to be respected and lisned to as well.

Both parents have to be extra careful to treat the others kids exactly as they would trat their own... but I don't believe an adult living under the same roof... should be precluded from discilining any child that also lives in that house based on who's genes they carry.

As long as they are all held to the same standards the others are.

Its time all the kids learn they will have to listen to people who aren't related the rest of their lives... like at work as one example... so it's a just another life lesson they need to learn.

I agree Smoothy .They need to do counseling on how to deal with this blended family and he needs to stop telling her to leave.

Leave, you have one foot out the door any way, and don't be lured from this solution because of the good times. It's evident that you need a space that you don't have to be worried about outside influences, or asked to leave from.

Leave him to reconcile with his own kids and solve their problem his way. I am willing to bet its his house you moved into. Am I correct? I mean its logical to assume that because he kicks YOU out, but have you ever asked him to leave? I doubt it.

Leave and get your act together after the emotional dust has settled. You don't have the skill, strength, or mind set to deal with HIS teen daughter. Hell her mama couldn't either.

Leave, you have one foot out the door any way, and don't be lured from this solution because of the good times. It's evident that you need a space that you don't have to be worried about outside influences, or asked to leave from.

Leave him to reconcile with his own kids and solve their problem his way. I am willing to bet its his house you moved into. Am I correct? I mean its logical to assume that because he kicks YOU out, but have you ever asked him to leave? I doubt it.

Leave and get your act together after the emotional dust has settled. You don't have the skill, strength, or mind set to deal with HIS teen daughter. Hell her mama couldn't either.
I forgot who said it but someone said she prob don't like me because I'm always telling her what to and not to do but I HAVE TO! Me n my boyfriend agreed wer allowed to discipline the others kids. We discipline good and very fair and I HAVE TO TELL HER WHAT TO DO OR NOT DO or all hell will break loose! It's the attitude and responses we/i get back. Trust me I don't even yell. I rarely raise my voice unless one of them is really out of line ! Yes I think daughters attitude comes from being mad her mom can't handle them and she's jealous of me being with her dad. His kids hate a lot emotional issues due to the crappy their mother pulls. I've talked to them and am very sincere about that too.


This situation is totally out of control. The parents are acting like their out-of-control children. Or, more likely, the children are imitating their out-of-control parents.

Its not like me and my boyfriend argue all time around them. But they have heard sum things and the daughter remembers stuff she's heard her dad say and remembers the times he kicked me out so I think she tries at times to stir up in having hopes me and her dad start fighting and maybe he'll make me leave.. she's very jealous of me

I forgot who said it but someone said she prob don't like me because I'm always telling her what to n not to do but i HAVE TO!
I'm the one. It's not what you say to her but HOW you say it! You have me mad at you just reading your responses in this thread. I can only imagine how SHE feels, dealing with you in person.


she's very jealous of me
Maybe, maybe not. (First "a lil bit," now "very"?)

I think there is a lot more to this discipline problem than her possible jealousy of you.

Leave, you have one foot out the door any way, and don't be lured from this solution because of the good times. It's evident that you need a space that you don't have to be worried about outside influences, or asked to leave from.

Leave him to reconcile with his own kids and solve their problem his way. I am willing to bet its his house you moved into. Am I correct? I mean its logical to assume that because he kicks YOU out, but have you ever asked him to leave? I doubt it.

Leave and get your act together after the emotional dust has settled. You don't have the skill, strength, or mind set to deal with HIS teen daughter. Hell her mama couldn't either.

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again

Often step kids have a resentment toward the step mom that comes off as jealousy. You figure she had dad to herself and now you are taking moms place as well as some of dads share.

It disturbs me greatly that you have been asked to leave multiple times, and that just does not compute with you never raising your voice. WHY does he ask YOU to leave during an argument as that seems drastic when one of you could just shut up.

I think the mistake was going back after the second time he kicked you out. I think he wants you out, so LEAVE!! Doesn't matter about the issues, or the situation at this point. Remove yourself from it.

Don't go back even if he ask you back. He needs to take care of his kids and you yours.

I'm the one. It's not what you say to her but HOW you say it! You have me mad at you just reading your responses in this thread. I can only imagine how SHE feels, dealing with you in person.


Maybe, maybe not. (First "a lil bit," now "very"?)

I think there is a lot more to this discipline problem than her possible jealousy of you.
Lol. I know its how you say things. And I don't tell her tto not do or tto do something in a mean nor condescending way. I even say please don't hang on the trampoline net they tear easily . And she gets mad.. not every single sec I'm correcting her but the times we do she flips out. Its not that I don't understand why she does it but we've sat her down together and separately and talked with her and she gets a lot of attention being only girl . We tell her we love her. However the issues with her mother bothers her and we don't know what to do because we can't change how their mother is.. and I'm not mean to them by far its just attitude she gives when told .

I 100% agree. But whatelse is new?

And reg comment before about status with the kids, they fully understand my role .its not that that their confused about . They just don't like being told what to do. They get likely that like I said,, with their dad too but not as much . Of course I know its different for kids listening tp their parents as opposed to the girlfriend/boyfriend... I will comment on me adding to the chaos because your far off. Of course your going by things you heard in aa day which is very different from being around it and seeing it.. I'm actually the calm one that calms everyone down and it takes long time before I begin to actually YELL. Il raise my voice sum but to scream itt takes a while...

And reg comment before about status with the kids ,, they fully understand my role .its not that that their confused about . they just don't like being told what to do. They get likely that like i said ,,,, with their dad too but not as much . of course i know its different for kids listening tp their parents as opposed to the girlfriend/boyfriend .... i will comment on me adding to the chaos because ur far off. of course your going by things u heard in aa day which is very different from being around it and seeing it.. I'm actually the calm one that calms everyone down and it takes long time before i begin to actually YELL. Il raise my voice sum but to scream itt takes a while ....

It's getting easier to reach the boiling point, isn't it? Be completely honest with yourself. The adults are as out of control as the daughter. You can try to be calm. But reading your descriptions of everyone's behavior, I think you are falling apart faster than you want to admit.

I think you need to suggest taking the child to a therapist/doctor. I think she needs to be screened for health issues. There may be reasons for her behavior that have been overlooked.

After reading your responses, I think you need to get your own place. If the relationship is going to survive, you need to start over from the beginning. This time building it on a foundation based on five children in the house instead one.

I do not know if the relationship can be saved. But I will say that if things continue as they are it will get worse.

And reg comment before about status with the kids ,, they fully understand my role .its not that that their confused about . they just don't like being told what to do. They get likely that like i said ,,,, with their dad too but not as much . of course i know its different for kids listening tp their parents as opposed to the girlfriend/boyfriend .... i will comment on me adding to the chaos because ur far off. of course your going by things u heard in aa day which is very different from being around it and seeing it.. I'm actually the calm one that calms everyone down and it takes long time before i begin to actually YELL. Il raise my voice sum but to scream itt takes a while ....

Sometimes in life we have to realize when something isn't working. And truly this isn't working, regardless of how many comments are made. So you need to change course and that would include learning positive discipline. If you aren't willing to make the effort then you are going to be dealing with this until they leave the home. And it will get worse.

He does not like your son and his daughter doesn't respect you. You two need to have your own place. It would be better for you and your kids and maybe for his too.

You haven't learned to differentiate normal human (adult and kid) reactions to things from "PERSONAL ATTACK" or "Dislike" or learned healthy ways to communicate. It's not just a matter of the kids not knowing how to respect you - you all don't respect each other! Can stuff like that change and can you get the respect and care from the kids he has from someone else? YES but it takes work you may not be ready or willing or able to put in. If you do leave, realise that he will be in your life forever as a co-parent so you will have to try to work on this no matter what, in some form. You have a kid together and you both have kids soooo there's no "space to ourselves" where you don't have the kids. You need to work it out.


One tip: you're the adult. You are not a kid that needs to take their behaviour personally or "react" like a child yourself. How can a grown man "not like" your child? That's ridiculous. Are you seeing things like a kid? Grow up and be the leader. You might not like the actions of a child... but you can't dislike the CHILD for those reasons. Respect the kids and they will respect you more.

You haven't learned to differentiate normal human (adult and kid) reactions to things from "PERSONAL ATTACK" or "Dislike" or learned healthy ways to communicate. It's not just a matter of the kids not knowing how to respect you - you all don't respect each other! Can stuff like that change and can you get the respect and care from the kids he has from someone else? YES but it takes work you may not be ready or willing or able to put in. If you do leave, realise that he will be in your life forever as a co-parent so you will have to try to work on this no matter what, in some form. You have a kid together and you both have kids soooo there's no "space to ourselves" where you don't have the kids. You need to work it out.


One tip: you're the adult. You are not a kid that needs to take their behaviour personally or "react" like a child yourself. How can a grown man "not like" your child? That's ridiculous. Are you seeing things like a kid? Grow up and be the leader. You might not like the actions of a child... but you can't dislike the CHILD for those reasons. Respect the kids and they will respect you more.
Well he didn't agree with the way I raised my son before I met him. It was just me and my son and I, of course, as a mom am real emotional and lovey dovey with my son and he has somewhat different parenting skills . He's more strict and when I don't discipline my son like my boyfriend thinks I should we get into an argument. He calls him spoiled and stuff. I know we just need to agree to be on same page and parent all kids the same way! I know where needs to be done. There's just some things that's happened in past up to now I think has put a huge damper on this relationship . I think I'm going to move out for a while.maybe we just can't live together rite now...

Their has been just so much chaos in past and fighting between us and kids . I think we need a break... I'm tired of every time we have an argument, he tells me to pack up me n my two boys (which one of those boys a 1yr old his mine n his child together ) and leave . I've left about ten x this past yr. I know its my dumbass fault for going back...

I agree!!

I feel bad for the kids as they are caught in the middle. I would recommend family counselling and if one of the adults don't want to go then the other should go on their own. The adults are supposed to be mature and teach the children how to interact in the world which seems like is not happening. Sounds like a very emotional household where the children are caught in the middle like pawns.
I have lived a life similar to that and it is very taxing on the child. You don't learn healthy coping mechanisms, you don't learn how to handle emotions and you don't learn how to disagree without being mean.
Hopefully the adults get their act together and start caring about all the children and stop with the her kids, his kids etc. COMMUNICATE

I think it high time you leave and don't go back, even if he ask you to come back. Make sure he pays child support for the son you have together,

Family counseling would do you all a world of good as would parenting classes. Boyfriend telling you to pack up and take off when things get hard is NOT the way to deal with a problem because it doesn't resolve anything. Take time for yourself to get your head together and really think about this situation, because like it or not he's now linked to you forever through a child.

Can't you see why the kids are weird with you? I can! First of all, with all the tension and fighting they can't trust that you are a stable adult presence in their lives who isn't just going to up and leave them (like mom?) whether it's you leaving or dad hustling you out so they are always on edge.

You admitted yourself that you're lovey-dovey with your son but treat them unequally. Why is that? Kids want love and they don't care who it is from as long as it is from the adults in their lives and you are an adult in their lives! They may feel that you're nice to your son and a b*tch on wheels to everyone else. That could be a childlike exaggeration on their part... or is it?

That you describe his kids (especially daughter) as "bitter" and "jealous" demonstrates a serious lack of boundaries and adulthood in your parenting. It's not that you shouldn't guide them about what to do and not to do (that's your job) it's that you saddle this parenting and guiding with childish feelings of competition, dislike and resentment. Be clear about it: you are NOT seeing the kids as innocent equals who need your love and help, you're seeing them as a rejected upset 9 year old yourself, who competes, resents, dislikes and is afraid of them. Like I said, You're the ADULT! Instead of seeing the little girl as this bitter, jealous, jerk - see her as innocent and quite rightly hardened. She's doing the best she can. She doesn't have a good relationship with mom, dad is a good disciplinarian but she might not feel emotionally close to him either, -you're there but she feels all your dislike and judgement about her whenever you tell her what to do. Duh! Of course she's going to act out. It would be weird if she didn't. (Would you trust someone's affection for you who outwardly disliked you? Nope. Especially not as a child) She doesn't trust that it's safe to care about you - because you don't like her.

The kids who see you being sweeter to your own child feel a lot of hurt coming from the fact that you see them as bitter, jealous, chaotic, negative people. Get a grip. These are kids and you may be giving them the requisite "I need to tell you what to do" disciplinary side but not your "motherly love"... which they ALSO need. (Even if they're not biologically your kid!) Every human in the world needs your love and understanding so you can know how to deal with them. You CAN change that. And it might be that they're an extension of the dad for whom you also have reservations about really opening up and loving. You take out some of your fear/anger with him on his kids. He gets mad and tries to give you the heave-ho - but what is your responsibility in that? Do YOU shut him out (mentally or otherwise) and flip the switch off and cut-loose when things go bad? Yup. You do.

You all have good intentions and are trying your best - but you guys need new skills, communication and coping mechanisms. Nothing is going to change in this situation until you make new choices and see how your behaviour is causing reactions and cross-reactions. If you do leave... it has to come from a strong place inside yourself... if you stay it has to come from a strong place inside yourself to respect yourself in the relationship enough to communicate with him instead of creating chaos and to let those kids into your heart FULLY instead of as a dreadful obligation.

You were compromised the first time he ended your conflict with asking you to leave. That's the whole ball of wax in my view. Its not the conflict with the kids it's YOU and your boyfriend's conflict resolution that's in question, and the kid are a whole different issue.

10 times in a year, no doubt he wants you gone. To be honest my mind was made up when you first revealed the fact he had asked you to leave during an argument. Not once but many times. It matters little that trying to blend a family is difficult, and can take years to resolve, hell its hard when the family I your own as kid grow, but when adults do the on/off thing, it is time to re evaluate this whole experiment after you have removed yourself from it and the whole perspective will change.

Go get your ducks in a row so you can have a path forward for yourself and YOUR children, that's safe, secure, and happy. So you can unpack your own baggage. Maybe you both can find your way through this and be good parents, without this clash of styles.

Glad you recognize you need your own place to regroup and try to heal. I wish you luck.