We have been together since I was 17. I am now 25 and he is 30. We have a 4 1/2 year old son. We have lived together on and off but recently I moved because I feel like he is never going to commit. I love him to death and I don't want to see myself with any one else but it kills me that he shies away from the marriage topic. I mean even when I ask him about engagement and waiting for a year or two later to have a wedding he still shies away from it. It hurts me sooo bad to think that I'm going to be 30 in four years and he hasn't even attempted to ask and pop the big question. He says later or in a couple more years.. Its just breaking me emotionally because we are planning on moving back in with each other in the next month with our son but in the back of my head I feel like I'm never going to get the ring or the wedding the every girl dreams of. He is my heart and my go to person for everything but I'm lost. Help.. I need some advice :-(

Will you get any child support or money if you move out and don't live with him? You need to think about that. Can you afford to live without him? Many people live together a very long time, without getting married. In some states, after a certain number of years living together, the state considers you to be married. I don't know where you live.

Have you asked him why he's so against marriage? Have you asked yourself why a ring and a wedding is so important to you? Can you afford a wedding, the ring, the works? If not, that may be why he hesitates.

In the end, marriage is just a piece of paper. If you're in a long term relationship, have a child together, live together, share everything with each other, than you're already married, minus the paper work, the expensive ring and the ceremony.

What's more important, one day, or the rest of your lives? One little piece of paper, or a couple that's committed to each other?

Why don't you propose to him instead? I proposed to my husband when our daughter was 2 and we have been married for 17 years now.

So you keep leaving him... and keep going back! Including soon again, you say.
Why?
And why should a marriage-shy guy marry you when you keep going back? If you leave him for not marrying you and not a bunch of other reasons, then put your money where your mouth is, and call his bluff.

Financially we can afford to live with each other. No it is not about child support because since our son entered our lives we both equally provide for him and love our son unconditionally. Nd as to why I keep leaving and moving out well let's just say its not just the proposal its because a piece of paper doesn't define a couples relationship and it shouldn't matter but call me a romantic. I love this man and he loves me we love our son but I almost feel like I'm not good enough to have the ring. Well am I or not? I want to have the dress and the few true people to cherish that moment and hear us say "I Do". I have heard in certain states after so many yrs they do consider. When people ask him or his family asks when are we going to finally tie the knot he pretends not to here them and brushes it off, it hurts and breaks my heart. I have even told him that when the time is right I was going to propose to him and he says no wait a few more years.

Why should he marry you? He has everything now, he's getting free milk, as the saying goes.

There are 1,138 benefits, rights and protections provided on the basis of marital status in Federal law. He needs to read this site since marriage is very much to his benefit legally --

Marriage Rights and Benefits | Nolo.com (http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/marriage-rights-benefits-30190.html)

Simply refuse to live with him until he fulfills your romantic notions. Make sure he fulfills his financial notion to his child.

So you keep leaving him... and keep going back! Including soon again, you say.
Why?
And why should a marriage-shy guy marry you when you keep going back? If you leave him for not marrying you and not a bunch of other reasons, then put your money where
your mouth is, and call his bluff.

I love this man and I have done everything financially, emotionally, physically and mentally to support him for 9 years. I have givinen him all my teen years and have given him a child. While my friends were partying and clubbing(I have neva been to a club) I was at home cooking, cleaning, taking care of a child and keeping my man happy and working. Sooo I think I have had the rite to take a break from time to time to think. Maybe I will be good enough for him to finally propose to me and maybe neva but the nerve for you to sit and try to say it's a bluff your ignorant. I've been through a lot and I refuse to get into depth with it but seriously walk in my shoes for a day and put up with what I had to in the last 9 years and then just maybe you wouldn't think the same


Why should he marry you? He has everything now, he's getting free milk, as the saying goes.

There are 1,138 benefits, rights and protections provided on the basis of marital status in Federal law. He needs to read this site since marriage is very much to his benefit legally --

Marriage Rights and Benefits | Nolo.com (http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/marriage-rights-benefits-30190.html)

I will deff check this out and your totally right. Why would he get married when technically he has his cake with the cherry on top and he gets to eat it to..


Why don't you propose to him instead? I proposed to my husband when our daughter was 2 and we have been married for 17 years now.

Because I am scared I will be shot down.. just like a man who's been told no by the women of his dreams. Then they say when you propose to a man it may make him feel pressured or make him feel less than a man.. its not that that I'm worried about its not hearing the Yes ill marry you. I've been looking for rings and everything but then I feel like why hasn't he put the effort in to ask or go get a ring. I don't know I'm stuck between the two

Propose any way, and see what happens. Being afraid of being shot down can't be worse than being in misery because you aren't married can it?

Simply refuse to live with him until he fulfills your romantic notions. Make sure he fulfills his financial notion to his child.

He deff supports his son. His son adores his dad. And I have thought about it but then giving a man an ultimatium might make him feel pressured and god knows I do not want him to be forced nor do I want a divorce in the future


Propose any way, and see what happens. Being afraid of being shot down can't be worse than being in misery because you aren't married can it?

Yea I guess you rite. Well were going to Florida on a vaca wit our son the first week of March. Maybe a beach side proposal? This is crazy, OMG but ill neva know unless I keep waiting on him or if I don't ask

But, seriously, you are way out of line here: "... Maybe I will be good enough for him to finally propose to me and maybe neva but the nerve for you to sit and try to say its a bluff your ignorant. I've been through a lot and I refuse to get into depth with it but seriously walk in my shoes for a day and put up with what I had to in the last 9 years and then just maybe you wouldn't think the same ..."

When you post your problems on a public board you should be prepared for some answers you will like and some answers you don't like. You don't know who has and who has not "walked in your shoes." You "refuse to get into depth with it"? So you want to post half the information and then criticize the advice that's based on that partial history that you post?

Maybe you will be "good enough" for him to finally propose. Maybe you won't. Maybe he'll "neva" propose.

It's your choice to go or to stay. If you want to know why he doesn't want to marry you, ask him. He presumably knows, and he also knows the whole story and maybe he doesn't mean "neva." Maybe he means "just not now."

But, seriously, you are way out of line here: "... Maybe I will be good enough for him to finally propose to me and maybe neva but the nerve for you to sit and try to say its a bluff your ignorant. I've been through a lot and I refuse to get into depth with it but seriously walk in my shoes for a day and put up with what I had to in the last 9 years and then just maybe you wouldn't think the same ..."

When you post your problems on a public board you should be prepared for some answers you will like and some answers you don't like. You don't know who has and who has not "walked in your shoes." You "refuse to get into depth with it"? So you want to post half the information and then criticize the advice that's based on that partial history that you post?

Maybe you will be "good enough" for him to finally propose. Maybe you won't. Maybe he'll "neva" propose.

It's your choice to go or to stay. If you want to know why he doesn't want to marry you, ask him. He presumably knows, and he also knows the whole story and maybe he doesn't mean "neva." Maybe he means "just not now."

Ya rite I didn't put evry last detail and maybe that's y I got the response. Evry relationship has its good moments and bad, let's just say the bad have really been bad but the good have been the monents what keeps me in this relationship. I want nothing more to keep fighting for the him and I. But maybe you rite maybe now isn't good for him I just don't want another 5 or 9 yrs to go by and we still aren't married.. I just don't want to be that options I want to be more than just a comfortable option

Ya rite I didn't put evry last detail nd maybe that's y I got the response. Evry relationship has its good moments nd bad, let's just say the bad have really been bad but the good have been the monents what keeps me in this relationship. I want nothing more to keep fighting for the him nd I. But maybe ya rite maybe now isn't good for him I just don't want another 5 or 9 yrs to go by and we still aren't married.. I just don't want to be that options I wanna be more than just a comfortable option

Please, write using full words, not text abbreviations. Texting is against the rules of this site. I don't text, so when I read texting, I not only can't understand it, but for me it gives an impression of the person posting, and it's not a favorable impression. This site is free, there's no charge no matter how much you write, so use complete words and the best English and grammar you're capable of. This is not a request, it's a demand as per site rules.

Have you ever sat down with him and asked why he keeps putting things off? If so, what does he say?

Last but not least, we provide answers based on the information given. If you don't want to tell the entire story, then you can't chastise people for not understanding. We only know what you tell us. We're not psychic.

Posted by Alty,
Please, write using full words, not text abbreviations. Texting is against the rules of this site. I don't text, so when I read texting, I not only can't understand it, but for me it gives an impression of the person posting, and it's not a favorable impression. This site is free, there's no charge no matter how much you write, so use complete words and the best English and grammar you're capable of. This is not a request, it's a demand as per site rules.

Have you ever sat down with him and asked why he keeps putting things off? If so, what does he say?

Last but not least, we provide answers based on the information given. If you don't want to tell the entire story, then you can't chastise people for not understanding. We only know what you tell us. We're not psychic.

You don't have to make any demands on how I write and honestly a simple please would have been nice on how I write.. The last time I checked I was grown.

But to answer your question yes I have sat down with him and spoke to him about this on a few occasions. I neva get a direct answer as to why he doesn't want to. Its not even that he shys away from it he completely feels as if it is not an option and I feel it should be as to the many years that I have been completely faithful to him. I have devotely given my time and love to our life together. He almost feels as if nothing I want is important but everything he wants should be given. Maybe I should come to just realize that he doesn't want to ever get married. Maybe I should just give up on it. I personally think I have been there for him 100%.. and no I shouldn't assume and give half of the story so let's just say in the beginning of our relationship he did cheat on me and was verbally abusive but we as a couple over came these obscales as a couple I forgave him and still love him. Over the years and since our son things have been great besides the whole commitment thing. I feel like he almost feels if he ties the knot that hell feel trapped but I'm tired of feeling like I'm putting 100% and he's only meeting me 80% finacially we can afford a home, our son, and everything else but well let's just say I don't know anymore

Do I keep fighting for him or do I give up?
Do I walk away and wait for him to become a man that's ready to commit?
Do I stay and wait another 9 years?

Call me old fashioned or someone with an old soul but I want the ring, the wedding, someone to grow old with. I really don't think I am asking for much when I don't ask for much.

I am just seeking advice not how you define me as a person because the way that I write. Call it being used to the texting life or whateva but I am who I am and how someone writes or doesn't shouldn't define them.. Its 2013 who isn't using the slang. But it isn't that serious just looking for advice on the situation and I never said any one on here would know every detail but I only wanted input on what I did write but if people shouldn't be ALLOWED to write how they want then people on here shouldn't be ALLOWED to criticize. I mean even without all the details I got a few good responses and they didn't criticize me if they wanted me to tell more I would but that's besides the point I'm not on here to argue I am simply on here to get a little advice. I am not on here to judge cause god is the only one that should be judging. And my life ain't perfect cause no ones is but at the end of the day it is what it is

I am just seeking advice not how you define me as a person because the way that I write. Call it being used to the texting life or whateva but I am who I am and how someone writes or doesn't shouldn't define them.. Its 2013 who isn't using the slang. But it isn't that serious just looking for advice on the situation and I never said any one on here would know every detail but I only wanted input on what I did write but if people shouldn't be ALLOWED to write how they want then people on here shouldn't be ALLOWED to critisize. I mean even without all the details I got a few good responses and they didn't critisize me if they wanted me to tell more I would but that's besides the point I'm not on here to argue I am simply on here to get a little advice. I am not on here to judge cause god is the only one that should be judging. And my life ain't perfect cause no ones is but at the end of the day it is wat it is

Texting isn't slang, it's a non language. Most of the people on this site are educated people that are way past their teen years, way past their 20's. We didn't grow up with this text crap, and we won't lower our intelligence to learn it. It's not a language.

But, my opinion on this doesn't matter. The fact is, it's a site rule. Text speak is against the rules. Failure to follow the rules can lead to posts being deleted, or you being banned. So really, what I think doesn't matter, neither does it matter what you think. You joined, so you agreed to obey the rules. I'm simply making you aware of those rules, since you obviously didn't read them when you agreed to them.

Now, back to your question.

Would you be happy with a civil ceremony? A day at the court house, no wedding dress, no big party, none of the hoopla? What is it that's most important, getting married, or the ceremony, all the bells and whistles?

I see that one of our moderators has already been busy editing your posts so we can read them. And yes, I'm 67 years old and I text, using complete words and full sentences when I do. I tried to give you a non-judgmental and helpful answer.

You are going to have to fish or cut bait if you want a marriage. Just hoping for it and for him to realize what a treasure he has with you and his child won't make it happen. You are going to have to shock the pants off him by proposing yourself and then leaving him if he pushes you off again.

Texting isn't slang, it's a non language. Most of the people on this site are educated people that are way past their teen years, way past their 20's. We didn't grow up with this text crap, and we won't lower our intelligence to learn it. It's not a language.

But, my opinion on this doesn't matter. The fact is, it's a site rule. Text speak is against the rules. Failure to follow the rules can lead to posts being deleted, or you being banned. So really, what I think doesn't matter, neither does it matter what you think. You joined, so you agreed to obey the rules. I'm simply making you aware of those rules, since you obviously didn't read them when you agreed to them.

Now, back to your question.

Would you be happy with a civil ceremony? A day at the court house, no wedding dress, no big party, none of the hoopla? What is it that's most important, getting married, or the ceremony, all the bells and whistles?

It's a non factor of how I write.

If you want to help then keep the rest to yourself. I am merly on here for advice and it should not matter what age group I am in.. I have graduated from high school with honors and my gpa presently in college if you must know is a 3.2 since that's the kind of people on here I am not trying to dumb you down cause I don't want to feel like your trying to dumb me down

But even going to city hall would be fine with me. He just doesn't seem like he wants to settle down. He is content with how things are. He tells me why would you want to get married to ruin things. Yes it has been said that marriage could ruin things but we won't know until we give it a fighting chance. I never thought I would be put in a situation like this.. to hear him speak these words its like a stab in the heart. This could be a debate but I would rather not do that with him. A simple yes or no is fine, what if he just is not mature enough for that next step

I just want advice on the topic and if not then don't bother

He tells me why would you want to get married to ruin things.
How on earth could marriage ruin things? (except for his being able to easily cut and run when things go bad) You and I both know that is an excuse that is full of crap.

It's a non factor of how I write.

If you want to help then keep the rest to yourself. I am merly on here for advice and it should not matter what age group I am in.. I have graduated from high school with honors and my gpa presently in college if you must know is a 3.2 since that's the kind of people on here I am not trying to dumb you down cause I don't want to feel like your trying to dumb me down

Oh for God's sake. Do you know what rules are? Every place has rules. This site has rules. I don't make the rules, I merely abide by them, which is why I'm allowed to stay here, ask and answer questions. These rules aren't my rules, they're the site rules. I explained that. If you have such a high GPA then really, you should get it! It's not rocket science!

The rules of this site specifically state that texting (chat speak) is not allowed You are to write using full words, full sentences, using the best (not the worst) English you're capable of, otherwise you risk your posts being deleted, or risk being banned by this site.

For the last time, this is not my rule, it's the rules of the site you're posting on.

So go ahead, ignore my very simple warning to you, that you've chosen to carry on and on and on about, and you'll be banned. Then you won't have any choices, at least not on this site.

I'm done.

Someone else can try to deal with this poster. Obviously what I'm saying, isn't getting through.

If you're interested, here are the site rules, which you agreed to when you joined.

Ask Me Help Desk - FAQ: Terms of Service, FAQ and How To Use This Site (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/faq.php?faq=vb_faq#faq_faq_rules)

Good bye and good luck.

Don't bother replying to me, I have ended my subscription to this thread. The mods can deal with you now.

I see that one of our moderators has already been busy editing your posts so we can read them. And yes, I'm 67 years old and I text, using complete words and full sentences when I do. I tried to give you a non-judgmental and helpful answer.

You are going to have to fish or cut bait if you want a marriage. Just hoping for it and for him to realize what a treasure he has with you and his child won't make it happen. You are going to have to shock the pants off him by proposing yourself and then leaving him if he pushes you off again.

Well thank you for not judging and if I offended anyone.. I apologize.

Shock the pants off him.. laughing out loud.. I think I mite run him away but earlier I did tell someone on here that I am thinking very hard on that. I do have a trip to Florida coming up the first week of march, a very much needed trip for our little family. And I am thinking of doing it then. If he doesn't give me a straight answer either Yes or No then I am washing my hands. As my adoptive mom use to tell me u make your bed you can lay in it.. if I get the response of a No then he is losing out on a good women. Being with him and around his family with all their traditions as how a women should be towards their man or husband I think I took in much consideration but it will be sad if he does say no cause that will be the end of us. I think I have done everything in my power to good by him. But thanks again for the advice

But thanks again for the advice
I'll be sitting on your shoulder in Florida, giving you courage.

Let us know how this works out.

How on earth could marriage ruin things? (except for his being able to easily cut and run when things go bad) You and I both know that is an excuse that is full of crap.

Well me and you are on the same page.. I told him that it is full of crap. Marriage doesn't ruin things people ruin things. It all depends on how devoted, loving, caring, phyisically, emotionally, spirtiually, verbally, and mentally your willing to be with this person for the rest of your life. I don't think he can forfill all of this and that's why I believe he is acting soooo (I don't know a good word of how to describe his actions) but its crazy. I am 25 he's 30 and you'd think that it be the other way around. Maybe he's just immature. They do say women mature faster than men. So why do I feel so discouraged, beaten, like I have lost.

Wow, I said call HIS bluff (implying by not moving back in together until he marries you), and you got it all wrong, saying I said YOU were bluffing?
I was trying to give you the tough love kick in the pants I think you need. I knew others would be more gentle. You take what you want here, and don't critique each response. It's all OPINION, not fact.
Stay the way you are for another ten years and never get that wedding. I couldn't care less at this point. Each times someone offers anything at all, you complain.
Maybe that part of your personality has something to do with this whole issue with him.

I'll be sitting on your shoulder in Florida, giving you courage.

Let us know how this works out.

Thank you. I need it, must I say I am so use to hearing no that I've become so scared to ask or say anything without feeling fearful

So why do I feel so discouraged, beaten, like I have lost.
Men aren't listeners, but believe in action. So that's your cue. Take action! Be the female Terminator in his life!

As others have said, he has no reason to marry you. He has everything just the way he wants it, and he believes you will just stay with him, like it is.
You really have a couple choices, set up a demand, we get married or I am gone
Or just move out and tell him he can date you if he wants, but to live together will take a ring

Thank you. I need it, must I say I am so use to hearing no that I've become so scared to ask or say anything without feeling fearful
Don't give him softness and sweetness. You've been there and done that and it didn't work. Now you have to get serious. Real serious! For your child's sake!

Wow, I said call HIS bluff (implying by not moving back in together til he marries you), and you got it all wrong, saying I said YOU were bluffing?
I was trying to give you the tough love kick in the pants I think you need. I knew others would be more gentle. You take what you want here, and don't critique each response. It's all OPINION, not fact.
Go ahead and stay the way you are for another ten years and never get that wedding. I could care less at this point. Each times someone offers anything at all, you complain.
Maybe that part of your personality has something to do with this whole issue with him.

Ok.. I must say I do agree with you now and no I don't complain.. I mean I do but I don't. Maybe I took it the wrong way and I can admit when I am wrong. And I do apologize. Sooo sorry. But I have a question.. are you male or female if you don't mind me asking?


As others have said, he has no reason to marry you. He has everything just the way he wants it, and he believes you will just stay with him, like it is.
You really have a couple choices, set up a demand, we get married or I am gone
or just move out and tell him he can date you if he wants, but to live together will take a ring

Hahaha.. I laugh because I feel stupid.. you know what he says to me your not going any where cause we have already been together for so long.. I don't want to give him an ultimatum but in this case cause he feels like I will never leave him I am I have to for me but also for his son


Don't give him softness and sweetness. You've been there and done that and it didn't work. Now you have to get serious. Real serious! for your child's sake!

I know what you mean.. female terminator.. laughing out loud.. this is going to be a big step for me but its something I must do. Just hope that it has a good out come and I hope at the end of the day it will not be a regret.. thank you, you have truly made me feel much better and I will let you know how the trip to Florida ends

I'm a 66 year old woman.

I'm a 66 year old woman.

Ok. So you have many years of experience and you are wise. I'm sorry if I offended in anyway I was not brought up disrespect my elders. So if you were in this situation what would you do? And yes I know I didn't give every detail but our few good times do out weigh the many bad times and prior to our son he did cheat and that was about 7 years ago but has not done it since. But we have over came that. Would you stay? Would you give him an ultimatum, knowing that it may push him away? Would you propose yourself? Or would you let it go and just wait another 9 years?

OK (blushing at being asked because of my age, experience, and age), I like the suggestion of proposing! I would present a bouquet and get down on one knee all smiles and eagerness. A bit of a satire in a way, but a nice one.
Then I would tell him (20, 30 minutes after he waffles or says no or mumbles something not a big fat yes) that that was his last chance, that there is nothing naggy about wanting to be married at this stage, and that you are not living with him again unless you are married. Say it just as cheerfully as when you proposed and look him in the eye as you say it. Make sure he knows you mean it by your look and tone, but no anger. It will take guts, sure, but isn't it preferable over more slow torture? Go for it.

OK (blushing at being asked because of my age, experience, and age), I like the suggestion of proposing! I would present a bouquet of flowers and get down on one knee all smiles and eagerness. A bit of a satire in a way, but a nice one.
Then I would tell him (20, 30 minutes after he waffles or says no or mumbles something not a big fat yes) that that was his last chance, that there is nothing naggy about wanting to be married at this stage, and that you are not living with him again unless you are married. Say it just as cheerfully as when you proposed and look him in the eye as you say it. Make sure he knows you mean it by your look and tone, but no anger. It will take guts, sure, but isn't it preferable over more slow torture? Go for it.

Well of course id ask you, laughing out loud. I am going to ask him and I am hoping to get a Yes of course. But if I don't I know in my heart that this may break us and it is a chance that I am willing to take. Everything in life happends for a reason and purpose so if it is meant to be then it will happen. The man above does not give you anything you can not handle.

Thank you so much. And wish me luck. 10 more days until our vacation to Florida with our little guy. So at the end of our vacation we should know. Thank you again

I'm going into this knowing that it maybe the end of a 9 year relationship but I also know that I if I'm not stern he is going to keep me waiting

I would not stay with anyone if I had to give him an ultimatum. People who don't ask you to marry them do so because they don't want you to marry them.

If the relationship is good and sound and happy why would you leave "just" because he won't marry you? I'm not understanding that part.

You had the child, unmarried. Why does it matter so much now?

EDI:; I just found the other thread and realize there is a handicapped child involved. How is that impacting on your relationship with the father, the plans for marriage? A child who requires that much care can severely strain a relationship. Maybe there's more than one issue at play here. Do you receive benefits for the child, benefits which will end if/when you marry? Is his concern partially financial?

I would not stay with anyone if I had to give him an ultimatum. People who don't ask you to marry them do so because they don't want you to marry them.

If the relationship is good and sound and happy why would you leave "just" because he won't marry you? I'm not understanding that part.

You had the child, unmarried. Why does it matter so much now?

I feel as if an issue with me having a child without being married is the problem. My son was a surprise to both I was on birth control and not to mention was told that it would be hard to have children because of cancer cells on my ovaries. Just because I had a child with him and he has gotten so use to the fact and confident that I will never leave him is unfair to me and my son. I shouldn't have to give him an ultimatum. Question for you. Are you married if you don't mind me asking? It doesn't matter if I have the big wedding would it be nice yes of course. But I am not getting any younger and I would like to be someone's one and only. It pretty sad that I feel like I'm the one that looks like a bad guy. When honestly I've been nothing but a good and loving provider to my son and his father but when I don't ask for much and most of the time I am bending backwards to make every one else happy I think it almost a little selfish when I ask for one thing its wrong. I didn't ask this question to be looked at as a selfish person but I ask for advice on the situation. For 9 years I have been with my sons father 6 of them I was the soul provider; working 45 hrs a week, full time college student, paying bills, taking care of a home and household, then when my son came along it was all that then the 10 special needs programs he was in that my son and me were in. I think I have proven myself and to my sons father that. But I don't know, I am going to ask him in the next week or more and if it not what he wants in life then I will move on cause my values are not souly on just being married but some are and some people want to be married and some don't but I am one who does.

Yes, I'm married. I was also married prior to this marriage and widowed. I have no biological children, seven stepchildren, six stepgrandchldren.

Why?

I knew my late husband 7 weeks when I married him. He proposed on our first date. I thought he was crazy. We married 7 weeks later and everyone thought we were both crazy.

I like the stability of a good marriage. I would not want to be in a marriage with someone I had to beg to marry me. I also am not a "live together" person - I work in the legal profession and it's as difficult to walk away from a relationshp as it is to walk away from a marriage and the legal part is worse.

Do you receive benefits for the child?

Yes, I'm married. I was also married prior to this marriage and widowed. I have no biological children, seven stepchildren, six stepgrandchldren.

Why?


I knew my late husband 7 weeks when I married him. He proposed on our first date. I thought he was crazy. We married 7 weeks later and everyone thought we were both crazy.

I like the stability of a good marriage. I would not want to be in a marriage with someone I had to beg to marry me. I also am not a "live together" person - I work in the legal profession and it's as difficult to walk away from a relationshp as it is to walk away from a marriage and the legal part is worse.

Do you receive benefits for the child?

I asked because maybe you didn't have a good. Experience with the whole marriage thing and wanted to know.

I am not begging we have talked about a few times in the past how he thought of the whole marriage thing. And this will be the first time of me ever asking anyone in my life. This will be his first time when I do ask him of encountering the whole marriage thing. How can you say what your saying when you rushed I am not rushing and I've been with him for 9 years going on 10? I do not beg, a simple yes or no OK for him to give me but if he says no then I will wash my hands

Nd I work and go to school but I am not on welfare if that's what you meant. He does receive SSI so it can help him to be in extra programs that are not free

I read your other post. I know you work. I asked if your son receives benefits which would be discontinued if/when you married. I realize you work full-time, go to college full-time, raise your child.

Why did/do you think I'm anti-marriage?

You have lived with a man for this many years and he has no idea you would like to get married, that's why he's never asked?

I still don't understand why if you are in a happy relationship you would walk out if he won't marry you - ? What am I missing?

I believe he cheated at some time in the relationship - I think that's what you said. Marriage will not keep him from cheating again, if that is your concern.

I did not act rashly, by the way, didn't "rush" into marriage. I married in a cardiac intensive care unit and my husband was not expected to survive the surgery. He did survive - and I'd do it all over again. You don't want to be judged. Don't judge why I married so quickly.

I think some of the answers to your question would have been different if you had posted about the health of your child.

And, yes, one of my stepgrandchildren is severely handicapped. I know first hand what that can do to a family unit.

I read your other post. I know you work. I asked if your son receives benefits which would be discontinued if/when you married. I realize you work full-time, go to college full-time, raise your child.

Why did/do you think I'm anti-marriage?

You have lived with a man for this many years and he has no idea you would like to get married, that's why he's never asked?

I still don't understand why if you are in a happy relationship you would walk out if he won't marry you - ? What am I missing?

I believe he cheated at some time in the relationship - I think that's what you said. Marriage will not keep him from cheating again, if that is your concern.

I did not act rashly, by the way, didn't "rush" into marriage. I married in a cardiac intensive care unit and my husband was not expected to survive the surgery. He did survive - and I'd do it all over again. You don't want to be judged. Don't judge why I married so quickly.

I think some of the answers to your question would have been different if you had posted about the health of your child.

And, yes, one of my stepgrandchildren is severely handicapped. I know first hand what that can do to a family unit.

Well if my sons benefits were to be cut if we were married then that's something that we would have to work on as a couple and I know that with both of our incomes we would be able to afford it. And your right I can not make it work if he has cheated in the pass maybe that's another reason so since it stands where it stands no one has yet answer my ture question or even advised what I could possibly do. Should I stay and never see a marriage in the future? And maybe I would have gotten a different response had I said that I had a disabled child but me getting married shouldn't be based off our child being disabled. And if you married him because of the reason, are you guys together now, did you grow to love him and was it hard to marry someone you knew so little about?

And I am happy but why not get married? He knows and like I said he's had his opinion but I as well have my own and what I don't understand is that he has honestly told me because of our sons disabilities he doesn't want another child and I want one more but am satisfied with my son. And he has said he wants to be married when he is older but really could careless if he gets married. It may not matter to some but others feel differently. I am not the only one in the world that feels this way about it.

And I'm not trying to judge but because you did explain the situation if I were in that situation I think I might of done the same. You have a good heart and are strong to deal with something that extreme

If you re-read you'll see I was widowed.

My advice is to stay in a relationship, unmarried, if you are happy with things the way they are. If you are not happy in the relationship, then go. I'm not a believer in ultimatums. You say you would address any monetary issues as a couple; however, you cannot seem to discuss and make a decision about the marriage question. Your inability to tell him how you are feeling is not going to change when you marry.

It's entirely your choice - if you need to be married and he declines, well, then I think you need to leave. If you can live with things the way they are, then stay.

I'm not much for ultimatums.

You cannot deny the conflict in both your positions that breeds the resentments on both sides.

I think you need a prenuptial agreement that covers both of your concerns. Just the act of negotiating one will bring to light the fears and attitudes behind the feelings that make this a conflict between you in the first place.

I feel you have been asking the wrong questions, and have not dug deep enough into the feelings behind the attitude. He has been telling you all along what the married status means to him, and wanting another child, adds to that attitude. He simply doesn't want the added responsibilities, financial, or otherwise, that marriage brings to his life. That's where your talking should be going, to the benefit of being married in a practical sense, to off set his fears of the added responsibilities.

Bottom line is you have not truly explored his deep rooted attitude that makes this a conflict in he first place. Until you both can and do, your desire to be married will be met with his desire NOT to be. So far your entire case is based on what you want, and his on what he wants.

So let me ask you in your own words, how does being married benefit HIM?

I have been married 37 years and I know the benefits that I enjoy, clearly he does NOT.