I have been dealing with depression, self harm, suicide, and eating problems. Around last year end of the school year I began to develop an eating habit of restricting my food. I would go 3-4 days without eating and then get mad at myself for eating so I would go longer. I ended up not eating for 4-6 days. When I would not eat for 5 days I would only allow myself to ea a cracker or 2 and that would have to last me another3-4 days. When I was 8 I was raped and when my mom found out she denied that it happened and that was my first suicide attempt. My second attempt was around 3 months after the first attempt. The second one was more serious I took 56 Advil's and then another 17 an hour after the first 56. I am not proud of it but I some times( more often then not) think everything would be better if I was dead. I cause my mom and dad stress my dad had a stroke and wanted to leave my mom and she blamed me for the fights. I began purging around that time. Now I am purging twice to three times a day. I am on a 200-300 calorie a day diet. I am trying to reduce my food intake so I won't purge. 2 weeks ago I started using laxatives but I don't think I am considered bulimic. When I binge I cut after to try to teach myself a lesson. I know I need someone to talk to about this but I don't think I am or would even be considered Bulimic. Please give me your opinion and advice thank you.

Yes, you are.

Bu·li·mi·a
n.
1. An eating disorder, common especially among young women of normal or nearly normal weight, that is characterized by episodic binge eating and followed by feelings of guilt, depression, and self-condemnation. It is often associated with measures taken to prevent weight gain, such as self-induced vomiting, the use of laxatives, dieting, or fasting.

Yes, you are.

bu·li·mi·a
n.
1. An eating disorder, common especially among young women of normal or nearly normal weight, that is characterized by episodic binge eating and followed by feelings of guilt, depression, and self-condemnation. It is often associated with measures taken to prevent weight gain, such as self-induced vomiting, the use of laxatives, dieting, or fasting.
Can't it be an eating problem would you go as far as to say I am bulimic?

Yes, you are bulimic.

I'll second that. You are bulimic.

"I know I need someone to talk to about this"

Yes, you do. Karen Carpenter, a famous singer in "The Carpenters," died of this. It sounds like you are starving yourself to death like she did.

But Im not like full blown bulimic I only purge 2-3 times a day not like 15 times a day.

Doesn't matter.

But Im not like full blown bulimic I only purge 2-3 times a day not like 15 times a day.

Yes, you are "full blown" bulimic. A person who is not bulimic doesn't purge at all.

Well if I am Bulimic it's not to the point where I would need help... right?

You definitely need help. What don't you think you are able to control in your life?

It appears you do indeed need help very badly as you are anorexic as well.

You only take in 200-300 calories a day when the recommended caloric intake is 1200-1500 calories a day. Your body is eating it's own muscle just to keep you alive right now. If this continues, your heart will become involved in that process and shut down completely.

You will not survive this if you don't get help.

I am fine

Levylane, how old are you?

16 why?

This is stupid I was fine before I posted this and ill be fine after thank you for your concern but I am going to be okay.

No, you won't be okay, not without professional help. Self-delusion is another piece of this puzzle.

No really I am okay I have only been on the 200-300 calorie diet for a month now and I'm not using laxatives anymore I'm only purging twice a day. I will admit I'm not eating enough calories and I have lowered my intake to 100-200 calories but I'm not dead nor will I be any time soon.

Tell me honestly how tall you are and how much you weigh.

I am 5'4 and 115 pounds I have already checked my BMI and I am at a healthy weight

Do your parents and friends say you are at a healthy weight and make a good appearance?

If you are eating that small amount, your body is feeding on itself. Organs will eventually begin to fail and shut down.

Yeah they say that I am but all my friends are super skinny and I think I'm fat I eat. I am eating 15 crackers a day and only purging one time a day.

I'm am so sorry.

Why?

That you are deluding yourself and causing harm to yourself.

You must be very upset and even angry over your parents' situation.

Its not just them my real mom gave me up for adoption and I have never met my real dad the parents who want to separate are my adopted parents who are my great aunt and uncle but there the only family I know. I am okay with what I am doing to myself, I will have more friends when I am thinner, and my parents won't fight when Im not overweight.

"I will have more friends when I am thinner, and my parents wont fight when Im not overweight."

Ah. And there are the lies you are telling yourself.

Have more friends? How many do you have now, and how many more do you want?

People like us because we are thin?

I have a lot of friends Im friends with everyone at school, but I can't help but feel judged. I was bullied a lot when I was younger but I know more guys would like me and I would get more friends at school. I wouldn't have to walk around school like a pumpkin. When I feel good with myself so will everyone else. Just a couple more pounds and I will reach my goal and then I can stop.

No, you won't stop because you will have to maintain that goal and the only way to do that will be to continue to starve yourself.

You weren't bullied because of your weight.

I was bullied about everything my feet my mom my body my friends. I will maintain my weight once I get it where I want it but I will no longer purge and I will eat more I will just have to exercise more.

No, your body and weight and feet were not why you were bullied.

Has the bullying stopped? If so, why?

It has kind of stopped but if I was not bullied for my body then you can tell me why I was bullied.

You have already said it -- "When I feel good with myself so will everyone else."

Others noticed you don't feel good about yourself (for various reasons) and then bully you. It has nothing to do with your appearance and your body. The bullying has everything to do with how you feel about yourself.

How do you feel about yourself? Be honest.

I am fat,I am overweight. I am ugly without make up. I cause problems. I don't deserve to go to treatment for my problems.I feel like if I don't lose weight I would rather die. Sometimes I think everything would be better if I died. There are many more things wrong with me but really if I was smaller everything would be so much easier.

So you are just not good enough.

Yup

Your world is falling apart because of you. You are a bad person, not worth much.

Umm okay... thank you for that. You really know how to make someone feel better. Well at least I'm not the only one who thinks that.

umm okay... thank you for that. You really know how to make someone feel better. Well at least im not the only one who thinks that.
I was not thinking that about you but summarizing what you are telling me.

So, for you, the body weight and feet and parent thing are only covers for what is really the problem.

What is really the problem?

The problem: "I am bad and not worthy of love."

The solution: "When I feel good about myself, everyone else will love me."

How is that a problem it's the truth..

And that is why you need to meet with a therapist for a while, to find out why you feel that way and to help you change that feeling.

I know why I feel that way. I am fine with my eating for now once it gets out of control I will get help.

If it gets out of control

What does "out of control" mean to you?

Purging 15 times a day purging everything you eat. Not wanting to get help once it is really bad. I am eating like right now I am eating kind of a lot but its okay because I know I am going to purge it only because I ate 120 calories already today I can't afford to eat anymore .

Have you already crossed the line so that you refuse to get help?

No I would get help if I really needed it. However the only way I think I would need help is if I was purging 15 times a day. I would accept help if I needed it.

What if you were purging 10 times a day?

Ummm its not good but 15 is a problem. That's when I would get help. Itsd not like I'm purging because I want to I can't help it like right now.

Of course you can help it now. Purging is not normal. Twice a day is a problem.

Why don't I purge?

Because you don't have the same feelings about food. And you don't need to it is bad for others

because you dont have the same feelings about food. and you dont need to it is bad for others
What feelings about food? How you feel about food is not your problem.

Why don't I need to?

I am disgusted after I eat , I think its so disgusting that I ate that what ever that may be. And you don't need its as simple as that. I don't think anyone should do it. I do it because I don't like the way I look and I feel fat so I need to you don't.

I have realized that I do need help. I purge now 5-6 times a day and I don't want to anymore. I don't know where to go for help.

I have realized that I do need help. I purge now 5-6 times a day and I dont want to anymore. I dont know where to go for help.
You talk with a trusted teacher at school or your guidance counselor who will figure out how to get help for you.

And you will post her so I can continue to follow your trail?

Ive already talked to a teacher and I don't want to tell them and bring them into this. I would feel bad if they had to deal with this to.

I will continue to post here this has helped me so much.

Ive already talked to a teacher and i dont want to tell them and bring them into this. i would feel bad if they had to deal with this to.
That is why teachers are there, to deal with stuff like this. They would be THRILLED to help you. (I know -- I was a teacher.)

Its just that school starts on the 29th and I don't want them to have to deal with this along with planning their classes.

Its just that school starts on the 29th and i dont want them to have to deal with this along with planning their classes.
That is what teachers want to do, help their students. A teacher won't be involved in your future care or counseling or spooning food into your mouth, but will connect you to the right person who will help you.

So I'm confused I thowup almost everything I eat but I eat more than a gold fish am I or am I not bulimic? I will talk to one of my teachers but what if I'm not bad enough?

so im confused i thowup almost everything i eat but i eat more than a gold fish am i or am i not bulimic? I will talk to one of my teachers but what if im not bad enough?
You are bad enough. :) (Psst, I'm a counselor.)

I want you to deal with this or I may have to drive over to your house and haul you to a counselor myself.

Yes, you are bulimic. I will make a badge for you to wear if you like.

I eat way more than 1 goldfish maybe I am just a purger.. if there is such a thing. And I don't know if I am bad enough to need help.

You have no control of anything.

I have control over how much I eat and if I want to eat so I have some control.

i have control over how much i eat and if i want to eat so i have some control.
And that's it?

Well I have control over my cutting and laxatives and my suicidal thoughts I have control over my school work and my friends that's all though.

What control do you have over your friends?

No like I have control over who I want my friends to be. I have control in my life its just not as much as I wish I had.

What do you want control over that you don't have now?

I want to be able to not eat and not feel guilty that my mom is mad at me for not eating and I want to be able to do things I want to with my friends and I want to go inside my friends houses.

You can't do that with your friends until you begin to eat normally again.

Why can't you go inside your friends' houses now?

Because my mom is afraid I will take medication from their houses or take razor blades from their houses or laxatives from them. Its not fair Im going to do the things I am weather I get the meds from them or my house. I feel guilty to, because sometimes I say I want to change and get help but the next day I don't and one day I will be super happy and outgoing then the next I am depressed and I don't know why I feel up and down all the time.

Question: how many laxatives is to many, for 1 dose?

One is too many.

levylane, I care about you and want you to get help. I want you to go to a therapist and kick this problem so you can enjoy life again. Okay? For me?

Well I am just starting to find a grove with my purging and the laxatives. I am going to be fine I'm not bad enough to get help. I would love to get help when I need it.

I feel bad not doing it for you because you have been there when I was depressed and you have given me great advice and I want to do it for you but I don't think I'm bad enough to get help. And plus I don't deserve help, I have put my family though all of this and Im the last person to deserve help.

Levy, you need help now. It is bad now.

No its not. Im okay and I'm trying the goldfish and tic tacs out I feel like I wouldn't purge as much

I think I am going to treatment within the next few months

No. No "think." No "few months."

Next week. Make an appointment.

But I just started school today and my parents don't even know the severity of it I was going to tell my mom but she's not going to be here anymore.

Who do I even talk to, to make an appointment

At school. Tell a teacher or your guidance counselor.

Where did your mom go?

Umm she's just not going to be around much now
And what do I say I just go up to the office and say I need help..

You have a guidance counselor?

Yes

Why?

You ask to see your guidance counselor and you talk with that person.

What am I supposed to say I throw up and I need help?

Tell him/her you are anorexic and bulimic, don't eat, are starving yourself to death, throw up a lot, take laxatives, and want to be well again.

I don't think they will be able to help will they I mean I'm sure they are just going to call home and they will let my mom take care of it

Tell them your mom can't help you and you need a strong adult to help you.

If I had the school's phone number and your name, I would quickly get help for you. I want you to do this for yourself.

I feel like me doing that just puts a burden on the school to get me help. I don't even think I deserve help people are so much worse than me.

If you are going to start spouting excuses and begin whining, I'm finished with this nonsense -- because that is what it has become. If you won't help yourself, there is nothing more I can do.

Okay

You'll go to your counselor tomorrow?

Yes
I don't know what to expect but I will. Now I'm not saying this as an excuse but you don't think I should wait until after schedule changes and after they get settled in before I throw this on them

Tomorrow.

So I don't wait?

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow what?

Tomorrow. Talk to counselor at school.

Okay

Let me know what happened.

Will do thank you for everything

I'll be here and waiting. :)

Haha okay :)

I talked to the nurse and the Counselor today, I felt like I was going to pass out from not eating so I went to the nurse not expecting to tell them about my eating but I did and so they told the Counselor and she talked to me about my cutting and eating. I will be completely honest I was only eating 5-10 crackers a day for the past couple of days and today I ate my crackers and then my grandma brought over cookies and I gave in I went on a small binge and ate 6 cookies then got scared and purged them up I hadn't purged in almost a week and I forgot how easy it was. I don't want to get back into purging but I'm afraid I am going to. My Counselor said I need to get help but she didn't offer me help. They called my mom about my cutting and left her a voice mail about it. When my mom asked why I was in the office I told her I was light headed I told her they called her about my cutting and she asked to see my wrist I showed her and she didn't care at all. I could have cut a major vein and she could have cared less. I want to get help for my eating but I can guarantee you she wouldn't care and wouldn't pay for it. She claims "If that's what you want to do with your life fine but don't tell me" I don't know how I'm going to get help if she won't pay? She treats my problems as if their burdens on her. I don't know what to do.

And the school nurse and counselor said what?

That I need to stop I'm to pretty to do that and I need help but they didn't get me help.

Call CPS.

What's that?

Try this instead --

National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) 1-800-931-2237

[what am I supposed to say?

Tell them about your eating and about the school counselor and your mom and ask what else you can do to get help.

Okay I'm going to call Tuesday

I keep on hearing my mom say that I'm ruining her and my dad. That I am destroying them. I feel like absolute . I want to just leave so I don't hear that anymore. I don't know what to do. Suicide is defiantly a reaquring thought. Help Please

Call now --

1-800-273-TALK
1-800-273-8255

National Suicide
Prevention Lifeline

I'm not suicidal right now I feel it throughout the day and a lot at night or when I'm alone

Call now.

And cause more problems for my parents?

No, to help yourself. Why would there be problems for your parents?

Everything I seem to do to try to help myself causes my mom problems. I will call Wednesday if I am still feeling this way.

No. Call now.

OK

I didn't call but I think I should have. I am so tired of hearing my mom say that I am the reason why her and my dad are fighting and why she wants to leave him. Seriously that just proves everything would be better if I was gone. I've gotten back into purging yesterday I purged everything I ate. I have been purging 3-6 times a day since I started up again. I have cut almost everyday. If this is what I have to look forward to then I might as well give up now.

Your parents' problems have nothing to do with you. They would fight even if you didn't live there.

Now I'm disappointed. You told me you would call. How does that make me feel?

If I call I'm giving in , I'm becoming part of a pathetic generation, If I want to die there's nothing anyone can say to make me even question my thought. The only thing I would get help for is my eating I'm tired of feeling hungry and week Im tired of always thinking about food, weather I'm going to eat or not weather I can keep the food in or not, weather I've lost enough weight to even eat. I hate feeling like everything's my fault I'm tried of trying different things to push away my disgust I'm tried never getting the closure and acceptance I need. I can't keep standing up for myself.Im sorry for disappointing you, If there's one thing I hate about myself its how much I disappoint people I never meant to give you any reason to be disappointed in me. By me calling I'm letting someone else determine MY life, MY outcome, Dying, cutting and eating are all I have left that I have control of. Why would I give it up?

By calling, you are taking control of the demons that are running your life. What you used to be able to control is now out of control. You can't control your eating any longer. Those demons are winning. Don't let them.

And If I do call and I give up with my cutting and suicide and eating what do I have control over? Nothing, I have nothing once I stop

You have no control over those things now.

Make the call and then we will talk about what you can control.

And if I don't call?

I will cry.

Why?

Because my hands are tied. I am helpless. I have no control. I am not allowed to have off-line contact, so cannot do more than post here and encourage you to call.

Well I'm sorry for disappointing you. If it makes you feel any better I am calling my eating disorder support group specialist on Tuesday to hopefully go to treatment.

That will help me if you stay in touch and let me know what happens.

Okay will do but I don't think I will be able to go on internet while in treatment. So if I don't respond for a while you'll no I was in treatment.

I will be patient and wait to hear from you.

Tonight my mom told me to go die every fiber in my body wanted to. I asked god more times than I could count why he couldn't just take me. How am I even still alive, I wish more than anything in the world to just be dead. I give in, my mom wins I would rather be dead than hear her tell me how much she hates me and how much better everything would be if I was dead. I question God why did he even put me on the earth all I do is cause problems and live a miserable life. I am a waste of a life. They say God doesn't make mistakes but I am living proof.

Im not even worth saving

Help me eat leftover Halloween candy.