I am in a relationship with one the greatest men. There is a huge age difference though. I am the older one. Me and him have been together 3 years and I have lived with him now 4 months :)

Everything started changing in October when something happened. His older brother secretly put weed oil in brownies. Let him eat 6 of them and then told him when he started feeling majorly messed up. (His brother had been begging him to smoke with him and my boyfriend said "No"! He had smoked it once and didn't like the effect. So then this happened.

Well anyway... My boyfriend freaked out and went to bed to try and sleep it off. He said it was a very long night and bad experience all around. But that's when things started getting bad for my boyfriend and me and our relationship. He started not eating worried someone might tamper with the food. Me and his parents. He would time us and our behavior 30 minutes after eating before eating himself. He says his brain is always foggy like he is living in a dream all the time. Then after time paranoia set in and then no sex life. When for 3 years are sex life was and this is no joke at least 3-7 times a day when I was spending the night. Or weekend. Lots of foreplay. You name it and it was done.

Now after lots of me crying wondering what's wrong with me and even depression for me I am looking for someone to tell me what can I do to help him... to help us. He says it's hard for him. He wants it like it was and misses it bad but he doesn't have the concentration or motivation anymore for sex .Yet he does for his gaming.Internet and friends. It's quickies a couple times a week. No touching,kissing etc in our lovemaking. He is loving and kind all day and everything. He holds me when he sleeps but Oh my God I miss our sexual connection, our passion, his want and aching need for me and my body as I believe it is (or was) one of a kind!

Can anyone help me please?

He needs to think about getting professional help. He needs to talk to someone who can help him work through the mess his brother created and he has allowed to grow.

I know you want to help him, but about all you can do is give him time and encouragement. I don't think your sex life is going to get better until he handles his fears and insecurities.

Keep in mind that it isn't just about being able to concentrate. He sounds like he has major trust issues stemming from his brother's 'prank' (word least likely to get censored.) It is going to take time and hard work to regain what you had.

Good luck.

Okay before I even get this going... I am not bashing anyone etc. Not even my boyfriend as he is sensitive to me towards the dreaded word and movies "Porn".

I am in a relationship with someone 15 years younger than I am. Starting our relationship It was about me. He made me feel so sexy, beautiful, just a one of a kind woman. As time progressed I learned he loves porn etc. The fantasy world of all the possibilities lovemaking could go. And we have done many many many wonderful scenarios. I can't even began to describe where our lovemaking has taken us. I have tried watching with him and I get ill tempered and just yucky. And then he gets mad at don't want to watch anymore because he says he wants me happily watching it with him. Or it's not worth it. And that is so very very sweet and then I feel very bad. Because he is caring about my feelings on the issue.

I have recently started working on watching it with him and enjoying it. But nights I plan on watching it, I want to say "Baby lets watch some tonight". He beats me to it and I get mad that he even thought about it. And the mood is gone and I'm mad again. And we go with the silent treatment for awhile.

Now he isn't like some men in even getting my feelings on it. He don't force me to watch it. He only wants to watch if I'm happily beside him watching it. But I want to know why can't I just get past that he wants to watch it at all. I want to lay beside him and happily watch it with him so bad!! But I don't like he gets turned on by watching it. I feel as though the women are turning him on and then he wants sex with me and for some reason that really upsets me.

If he can show me the compassion of not watching it unless I'm happily beside him why can't I be happy in just doing it? I want to so bad. It's in me and I WANT TO DO IT HAPPILY.

So can anyone help me? I'm not uncomfortable with my body. I am a big woman but he loves big women and he makes me feel very beautiful etc. Tells me all the time and shows it. I am very very comfortable with my body and everything. I just want to get this issue solved ASAP!

I want to make him and me be happy with it.

Thank you Cat. I have tried many things. He has went to the Dr. And they aren't sure about anything. My sister is a nurse and says could be a THC overdoes. Yes it can happen and has many times. Though the effects aren't death like other drugs.

He has been doing well the last few months about the food issue. But it is going back bad again. Last night he had a breakdown and cried because he was hungry and scared to it anything. And that hurt me very bad. I got him to eat a few chips. Not near enough! But I can't force him. I'm being patient. But sometimes it's hard when he does a lot of other things like his old self but then when it comes to lovemaking he is lost on how it use to be.

He isn't wanting to have sex with the models. That isn't how the male mind works. The male mind likes looking at naked women. It gives us the seed of fantasy.

When you're ill tempered watching it besides him you're narking his high. It is like when you're watching a normal movie and the person you're with isn't enjoying it and snarking about it. You're not going to enjoy yourself because your friend isn't enjoying it.

I think requiring to be beside him when he watches porn is a bit of a mistake. He can only watch porn when you're around? I wouldn't stand for that. Why don't you show him a little compassion and not get mad at him for watching it without you?

More often than not a man will watch porn so he can masturbate. This is a private moment he has with himself so that he concentrate on himself. It is like reading a romance novel or watching a Romantic comedy. It is how the male mind works. Having someone there with you ALL the time is not fun.

Why do you want to sit and watch it with him?

If he is watching it with you, he hopes that you get as turned on as he does and you can go do the horizontal mombo. Maybe even incorporate the ideas from the movie into the love making session. The problem is porn is mostly a solo game, not multiplayer. If you get what I mean.

I think you are putting too many restraints on him. My two cents.

I think requiring to be beside him when he watches porn is a bit of a mistake. He can only watch porn when you're around? I wouldn't stand for that. Why don't you show him a little compassion and not get mad at him for watching it without you?

Before moving in with him he always watched alone. Now that I live with him he "wants" me to watch with him and not alone. He don't want to masturbate to it when he has a woman :)

My question was how do I overcome what bother's me about it to be more happy about it when he is so very giving to respect how I feel? Because I want to watch with him and be happy with it without yucky feelings...

What did his doctor do at his visit? Any tests ordered? Was seeing a therapist or psychologist mentioned at all?

Before moving in with him he always watched alone. Now that I live with him he "wants" me to watch with him and not alone. He don't want to masturbate to it when he has a woman :)

My question was how do I overcome what bother's me about it to be more happy about it when he is so very giving to respect how I feel? Because I want to watch with him and be happy with it without yucky feelings......
You can give it time... and understand this is been with mankind since we lived in caves...

Perhaps there are certain things you like to see... perhaps you might want to view a variety of things with him to find different things that are of a special interest to you. Obviously not everything is going to appeal to any given person... but it as a couple can give you ideas of things to try together you might never have thought of yourself. There are so many different things to do together besides missionary. And while I will not go into it... but my wife who is a very quiet and reserved person... discovered some things that really excite her that she never even thought of... and we keep things very exciting even after 20+ years of marriage.

Just remember you are an adult... and you can view whatever you want (except kiddy porn)... and since you are doing it in private... just the two of you.. there isn't another soul that will know about it... so there is ZERO reason to feel bad or be embarrassed.

There are so many different things to do together besides missionary. And while I will not go into it

Oh wow we have done many many things that would probably make you blush or go "WTH"! LOL

Some of my fear is we have went through the long long list of sexual things. And now that he has had most of his fantasies fulfilled he is slightly bored. We have done WAY more than missionary.

But I do like most of your advice :) :)

Oh wow we have done many many things that would probably make you blush or go "WTH"! LOL

Some of my fear is we have went through the long long list of sexual things. And now that he has had most of his fantasies fulfilled he is slightly bored. We have done WAY more than missionary.

But I do like most of you'r advice :) :)

Trust me when the months become years... you will learn you don't get bored doing everything once...

You need that variety to keep it exciting. But do any one thing over, and over, and over repetitiously... ANYTHING will get boring... its about balance.

If he gets bored after doing everything once or even twice... he's got issues.

The more different recipes you have in your cookbook... the less likely you will tire of your home cooking.

Oh... trust me... I doubt you could make me blush. I'm 50 have lived on two continents... an dated women from a LOT of different countries before I met my current wife... I've seen and done a lot before I married.. and even more after.

For one thing, talk with him. Be honest about getting upset because he brings it up first. Ask him to give you a chance to ask him. To allow you to surprise him.

Next, I am going to suggest that you take some time by yourself and think about what turns you on. Then look up pictures and videos that interest you. Part of what might be turning you off is what you are watching with him. If his main interest is 'clips' where it's all action, then see about finding actual movies. You might try 'soft-core porn'/R-rated movies as a beginning step. Soft-core is pretty much everything except showing actual penetration. For many women plot and character development are more of a turn on than the actual sex.

Change your focus. You don't have to pay attention to the video/movie. I doubt there will be a test later or he will want an essay on what you watched. You can let your mind replace the actors with your boyfriend and you. You can think about doing those things to and with him (or start 'playing' with him.) Focus on the setting and the role-playing.

I will admit that I find some 'porn' funnier than a lot of mainstream comedies. Don't be afraid to laugh. If he was wanting to watch it to get off then he would do it by himself. If he wants you to watch it with him and insists on it, then he gets the distraction of watching it with another person. You might even find talking about it leads to shared fantasies and the porn gets forgotten.

For one thing, talk with him. Be honest about getting upset because he brings it up first. Ask him to give you a chance to ask him. To allow you to surprise him

I have and he says If I wait on you then it is months before you actually want to. But over the last couple months I have planned two so many times but he always ask first.


I will admit that I find some 'porn' funnier than a lot of mainstream comedies

LOL I agree the times I have watched I do get tickled at some of it. And he actually gets tickled at me and my comments about that scene or movie etc. Those are times I like. Then we may play some and his mind is on me "not the movie". Then we kick back and watch some more. So I have tried and accomplished it a couple of times. But I want it every time.

I love both of you comment. You and smoothy and I will try them all and see how it goes :)

Thank you so much :)

Yes they were mentioned. No tests at all. Just go to a psychologist. And he won't go. Not as of yet!

You have a positive attitude... use it to your advantage. Just remember you both can't like exactly the same things... find those you both do like... and you might find the things just outside of that common ground can be special occasion things... on both sides...

Before moving in with him he always watched alone. Now that I live with him he "wants" me to watch with him and not alone. He don't want to masturbate to it when he has a woman :)

My question was how do I overcome what bother's me about it to be more happy about it when he is so very giving to respect how I feel? Because I want to watch with him and be happy with it without yucky feelings......

In answer to your question. That is unfortunately a question only you can answer. Watch a lot of it on your own? If it bothers you and you want to desensitize yourself then you need exposure. Might work. It's about the best we can do here.

I still believe you have rose coloured glasses with respect to his porn viewing. Why do you think he always has something queued up? Again. My two cents.

In general I do not like porn. It's a waste of money and time for all the people involved. ( My opinion only ) So much better could be spent on the money they use for making the movies.

As far as having something queued well he usually does. He says I make him do without it so much so yes he is going to ask a lot. But if only he would wait for me to ask him we would watch it a lot more often.

If I'm correct about the rose colored glass comment I do see the world as what it is. And people for what they are and my situation for what it is. I am not trying to take this away from him I'm trying to give this part of the relationship I try. I want us like we were and not ever fighting again.

In general I do not like porn. It's a waste of money and time for all the people involved. ( My opinion only ) So much better could be spent on the money they use for making the movies.

As far as having something queued well he usually does. He says I make him do without it so much so yes he is going to ask a lot. But if only he would wait for me to ask him we would watch it a lot more often.

If I'm correct about the rose colored glass comment I do see the world as what it is. And people for what they are and my situation for what it is. I am not trying to take this away from him I'm trying to give this part of the relationship I try. I want us like we were and not ever fighting again.



Porn is a business. That's why people produce porn unstead of usng the money for something "better." He says you make hm do without "it" so much so, yes, he is going to ask a lot. What does this mean? You lost me.

Is this part of the age difference? You are not "threatened" by thin women even though you are a self-confessed large woman. Are you "threatened" by younger women?

It's fodder for another thread but I find a 15 year age difference to be fascinating. I always dated older, much older (20+ years) but never more than a few years younger. With those ages he could be 25 and you could be 40. That makes you established in life, with a career, and him starting. Again, I find this interesting - sincerely.

In general I do not like porn. It's a waste of money and time for all the people involved. ( My opinion only ) So much better could be spent on the money they use for making the movies.

As far as having something queued well he usually does. He says I make him do without it so much so yes he is going to ask a lot. But if only he would wait for me to ask him we would watch it a lot more often.

If I'm correct about the rose colored glass comment I do see the world as what it is. And people for what they are and my situation for what it is. I am not trying to take this away from him I'm trying to give this part of the relationship I try. I want us like we were and not ever fighting again.

Couple things here... what one person considers a waste of money... might be important to another person.

E.G.
#1. Paying $10+ per person to see a new movie that will be on TV inside of a year.

#2. Eating out at a fancy restaurant vs. a cheaper place when we all know what happens to food within a day.

#3. Going to Starbucks

#4. Having a cell phone (Come on now.. when you can have a home wire-line for a fraction the cost)

#5. Buying a nice car rather than an old used one or a cheap new one.

Waste of money is clearly an individuals perception based on their income level.

And those wastes of money for one person... will usually be someone else's income they live on.

As far as waiting for you to ask... keep in mind it takes a LOT of years to get to the point where one person is able to finish the others sentences... I don't think the two of you have been together anywhere near long enough yet... but you might eventually. Until then, understand everyone's preferred timeline will be their own. Eventually your clocks might mesh better.

Also keep in mind... with that age difference... that's going to mean you are starting with ideas that are further apart.

When I was a lot younger, until my mid 20's I usually dated older women... two were as much as ten years older than me... most were less.

Won't hear me knocking you for that... I thank Older women for the comprehensive education I got since I Started college. I didn't have to figure out as much the hard way like most guys do. And that happened before most people even heard of home computers... and decades before most people even heard of the internet ( which I have been using in some form since 1981)

Is this part of the age difference? You are not "threatened" by thin women even though you are a self-confessed large woman. Are you "threatened" by younger women?

I am defiantly not "threatened" by younger women. I know I am all he will want or need in way of other women. I am his first and will be his last.

As far as the age difference I have gave it a lot of that and realize there are going to be thing's that I won't like but that comes with his age and I have accepted it. ( Going out with friends, Video Games etc ) He is very wise beyond his years but does have what guys his age have. The state of mind etc.

I love all you have said etc. Some of it somewhat helpful. :)

Smoothy: This is very true what some consider a waste of money others do not. However this is not a problem with him spending money on them. Nor him watching them. I posted about something I want to better about myself and change for him and me.

People relied on themselves before the internet. As I am relying on myself now. I'm just wanting some pointers to make this work for me and him. As he hasn't done anything wrong in wanting to watch them and specially being he don't want to without me. That makes me feel very special. I WANT TO FIX ME!

As far as having something queued well he usually does. He says I make him do without it so much so yes he is going to ask a lot. But if only he would wait for me to ask him we would watch it a lot more often.


I highlighted what I see as a red flag.

If he made the decision to only watch porn with you and this is how he expresses his thoughts, then he is blaming you for a decision he made. And you seem to be allowing it. Why?

If you don't like or care for porn, don't force yourself to watch it and don't allow him to attempt to blackmail you into watching it. That only leads to resentment and other negative emotions.

You can try to change your perception of porn and masturbation, but it has to be because you want to experience it. It can't be to 'please' him.

Two things to think about: Porn is nothing more than a form of erotica. Erotica has been around for thousands of years. From poetry and pictures to romance novels and videos, erotica is everywhere depending on what a person's tastes are. Masturbation is great for learning your own body and mind. It is also a way to relieve stress and not add more by worrying about a partner's needs.

If he blames you for his decision on when to watch porn, then the two of you need to sit down and have a very honest discussion about how the current 'compromise' is working out. I don't think it is.

There is another red flag: You see his going out with friends as something 'age related' (almost sounds like you think it is immature.) Both of you should have time and interests outside of the relationship. I hope you have time with your friends, too.

If he made the decision to only watch porn with you and this is how he expresses his thoughts, then he is blaming you for a decision he made. And you seem to be allowing it. Why?

If you don't like or care for porn, don't force yourself to watch it and don't allow him to attempt to blackmail you into watching it. That only leads to resentment and other negative emotions.

Simple... I don't like him mad at me. For some reason I am obsessed about what he thinks of me. Even to the simplest things. I don't like him angry at me. He has enough on his plate ( As you know Cat ) And I feel like I don't ant to make it worse or make him sad or mad

.
If he blames you for his decision on when to watch porn, then the two of you need to sit down and have a very honest discussion about how the current 'compromise' is working out. I don't think it is.

I agree and we have but always ends in one or both mad at each other. He wants it plan and simple. So you are right the compromise ( though I feel I'm the only one losing something ) isn't working out.


There is another red flag: You see his going out with friends as something 'age related' (almost sounds like you think it is immature.) Both of you should have time and interests outside of the relationship. I hope you have time with your friends, too.

No I don't have ANY friends. The only friends I have had was at the truck stop I worked at. I seen them at work and when I would ride there on off days. I was overnight waitress for a year. And he only has one. All his others walked away when me and him got together even though they liked us both. They said he changed too much. And he is not a social person ( at all ) though I try my hardst to get him to go out even here where we live. There are almoost a little over 100 apartments in our complex. Meet someone. But maybe I should take my own advice huh? :)

I love you'r advice :)

I think porn is a very small problem in your relationship - there appear to be several issues.

"I think porn is a very small problem in your relationship - there appear to be several issues."'


Yes, siting here now thinking about it. There are several problems in our relationship. There wasn't until October and this isn't the thread for that.

I'm about at my wits end on it :(

"I think porn is a very small problem in your relationship - there appear to be several issues."'


Yes, siting here now thinking about it. There are several problems in our relationship. There wasn't until October and this isn't the thread for that.

I'm about at my wits end on it :(Actually... this IS the thread for that... because it is part of it and these things are linked together.

Rarely can you sever multiple issues from each other. What happens in one has effects that resonate with the others.

You want help in this particular issue... but in order to do so, we can not pretend to ignore the others.

Instead of retyping the thread about October Smoothy I copied and pasted. It is below.

I am in a relationship with one the greatest men. There is a huge age difference though. I am the older one. Me and him have been together 3 years and I have lived with him now 4 months :)

Everything started changing in October when something happened. His older brother secretly put weed oil in brownies. Let him eat 6 of them and then told him when he started feeling majorly messed up. (His brother had been begging him to smoke with him and my boyfriend said "No"! He had smoked it once and didn't like the effect. So then this happened.

Well anyway... My boyfriend freaked out and went to bed to try and sleep it off. He said it was a very long night and bad experience all around. But that's when things started getting bad for my boyfriend and me and our relationship. He started not eating worried someone might tamper with the food. Me and his parents. He would time us and our behavior 30 minutes after eating before eating himself. He says his brain is always foggy like he is living in a dream all the time. Then after time paranoia set in and then no sex life. When for 3 years are sex life was and this is no joke at least 3-7 times a day when I was spending the night. Or weekend. Lots of foreplay. You name it and it was done.

Now after lots of me crying wondering what's wrong with me and even depression for me I am looking for someone to tell me what can I do to help him... to help us. He says it's hard for him. He wants it like it was and misses it bad but he doesn't have the concentration or motivation anymore for sex .Yet he does for his gaming.Internet and friends. It's quickies a couple times a week. No touching,kissing etc in our lovemaking. He is loving and kind all day and everything. He holds me when he sleeps but Oh my God I miss our sexual connection, our passion, his want and aching need for me and my body as I believe it is (or was) one of a kind!

Can anyone help me please?

Well... let me tell you... if someone drugged me... it would negatively effect how I viewed anyone that might have been involved. Mainly because #1, the jobs I have had for the last 3 decades have had random drug testing as a possibility... and stuff like that will test positive in your hair as long as that hair is present on your body... until it falls out or grows out enough to be cut off. And if asked on a job application about drug use... the answer is Yes or NO. There generally isn't a field to check for "Generally No but, someone drugged my food"

If you had any part in this... or if he even suspects you might have even if he's not sure... its going to efect your relationship. Sure his reaction might be a bit on the severe side, but everyone will react in a different way. But the basic fact if he will be or might be looking for a new job in the near future.. its going to have effects that are long lasting.

Personally I hope he gave his brother a good old fashioned butt-whooping over that incident. I would have.

Well said, Smoothy - my concern with this thread is that very important info came out very slowly. The problem isn't porn. Took a very long time to find that out.

"If you had any part in this...or if he even suspects you might have even if he's not sure...its going to efect your relationship. Sure his reaction might be a bit on the severe side"

NO! I did not have anything to do with it as I wasn't even there. I did not even know he went until I called his house and was told and then I called there and then I found out because he already in the bed freaking out by then. I would never do that to anyone!

He was over there to spend the weekend. Not at work when it happened. And to answer your question... No he did not do anything to his brother. Me, I defiantly would have. I said something to his brother and it was ignored. He said he didn't do anything that bad. His brother is a idiot!

Actually, there is a thread dealing with the issues from October: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-sexuality/sex-drive-turn-almost-depleted-help-656476.html

Could the threads be combined? I really hate going back and forth in order to get the whole story and see if both threads contain the same info.

Well, its good you didn't have a part in that incident... I'm not so certain he is completely sure you didn't, and I mean by that there not being any small remnant of doubt remaining, but not knowing him that's just a guess. I'm thinking he's not sure who he can trust at this point... and that might be the root of a lot of things. He probibly trusted his brother before that... so shake off that core level of trust... it effects every other thing you assumed in your life as well and how you see many other things. And will take time to get over.

Well he does not question the food when we here at home cook. But the companies etc. So many things has been effected by this. Not just in our relationship. But life in general. I have been supportive 100% and more in this for months. I have been patient. Getting down to 7 months now... I miss the hell out of him. Before all that I was completely content with him. This hasn't made me love him any less or anything. I just miss my man. :( And he makes the comment he misses himself too and what we were.

I guess it troubles me so bad because I see him be as passionate as usual about his gaming and his Internet and his friend.

He is such a wonderful person. Smart, intelligent, caring, loving. Like all couples there are issues but I'm getting scared this may never go away and I am not leaving him. He completes me.

Personally... I think he's due for some counseling even if only for that... it didn't happen last week... he should have gotten mostly over it in the last 7 months... its not exactly like someone slipped him LSD, Meth or PCP.

He has been due for counseling getting him to go is the hard part. I am not sure why it has been 7 months and he hasn't got any better. He is on the computer now and I have spoke to him a couple times and he has yet to answer not noticing. I often wonder if he has Adult ADD also.

I'm going to continue to support him and try getting him to a counselor.

My concern is that you are becoming more of a mother to him than a girlfriend. I do not see this as an equal "partnership." You sound like his caretaker.

"My concern is that you are becoming more of a mother to him than a girlfriend."

How out of all this did you get that? Because I'm trying to get him to a counselor.

Though I do agree this has become a one sided relationship over the last several months. He always tells me that he is trying but it's the same thing everyday. How is he trying if nothing is changing??

Frankly, there's the age difference. Then he seems to have issues which you are helping him through, worrying about. He games and watches porn - the porn which you somehow force him to watch.

I'm not criticizing. I was in a relationship with a much older man and it was years later before I realized how much of a "father/mentor" figure he was. He was the caretaker in many respects and I (and I was well educated, well employed) was the child in many aspects.

I think it's something you need to take a hard look at. Suddenly the sex has stopped for some reason. How does he look at you? As an equal, a mentor/parent figure, something else?

I also may have missed it but I don't see anything about employment. Who supports the two of you?

Obviously there are other issues impacting the relationship besides the pot brownies/porn considerations. Him going into counseling is a great idea, and should be encouraged.

Back to the porn question though: -- you are not wanting to "happily" watch porn with the intention to bond with your partner, have fun and open up to your sexual intimacy together you're watching it out of fear --- not just because he asked you...
But because you're scared of what will happen if you don't. --- moreover part of you wants to CONTROL the situation because being there and watching it with him feels safer than him watching it by himself. You don't like the idea of him getting aroused by porn period -- but at least if you're there, you feel like you're in control of the situation emotionally. Proof? You get upset with him and dish out the silent treatment if you don't get to control the action by being the one to initiate it. If he "beats you to it" you're angry and hurt.

When you go into watching porn with the intention to control the situation emotionally and be "safe" you're not really enjoying yourself and he feels bad because you feel bad. (buzzkill) He might want to share this with you to connect to you -- a tool of intimacy! But he may also feel your disapproval and upset about this topic (you can't hide it and your reactions prove it every time) and doesn't want to upset you even MORE by watching it on his own in private- so he wants to share.

You must shift your thoughts around sex and porn so that you're not competing with the characters on screen or you can't enjoy it WITH him. You might be better off letting him enjoy on his own. If you open up to porn as it really is (just a tool to get turned on!) you might have fun and find yourself with a re-connecting point to your sexual selves. As a man -- porn is NOT about emotional intimacy with the actresses on screen and it's not even about wanting to have sex with them and then only being able to masturbate or have sex with their second-best partner -- this has nothing to do with you not being "enough".
Nothing whatsoever.

You guys do have some codependency issues though (you admit you're obsessed with making him happy and that yourself worth is tied up in how well you succeed and HE obviously is sensitive to upsetting you as well) you're both acting and reacting out of fear rather than total commitment, trust and spontaneity. Counseling might be a good idea for both of you to get through those factors that influence you as individuals and as a couple.
Good luck!

The sex hasn't just stopped in general. And though nothing about us having jobs matters in this... Yes we both have jobs. We are vendors on weekends and the flea market and also looking to lease a store for our items. Nothing to stressful.

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"He might want to share this with you to connect to you -- a tool of intimacy! But he may also feel your disapproval and upset about this topic (you can't hide it and your reactions prove it every time) and doesn't want to upset you even MORE by watching it on his own in private- so he wants to share. "

This is right on. Because he wants me happy with him. That's what I have said. That's why I want to fix how I am about it. If he cares enough to do that for me I should at least try it. And the last couple times it has worked out great :)

"You guys do have some codependency issues though (you admit you're obsessed with making him happy and that your self worth is tied up in how well you succeed and HE obviously is sensitive to upsetting you as well) you're both acting and reacting out of fear rather than total commitment, trust and spontaneity. Counseling might be a good idea for both of you to get through those factors that influence you as individuals and as a couple."

This is very very true. We both need it separably and together. I went so long him wanting and loving knowing every move I made in my day to day activities. In the beginning we didn't see each other much. Sometimes even a few months at a time. He loved knowing and I loved telling. Then over the last 7 months he don't bother asking and it's a big change for me. His brother really played with his mind. And he doesn't even take blame for it :( (the brother don't)

I depend on his happiness for him. I know I have a problem. My entire life can not be completely revolved around him. Mine and his love is complicated. Your advice is so strong and so good.

This is very very true. We both need it separably and together. I went so long him wanting and loving knowing every move I made in my day to day activities. In the beginning we didn't see each other much. Sometimes even a few months at a time. He loved knowing and I loved telling. Then over the last 7 months he don't bother asking and it's a big change for me. His brother really played with his mind. And he doesn't even take blame for it :( (the brother don't)

I depend on his happiness for him. I know I have a problem. My entire life can not be completely revolved around him. Mine and his love is complicated. Your advice is so strong and so good.

I bet that when you work on your independence and sustaining your emotional happiness (world doesn't revolve around him) it will help HIM to feel stronger in his own life too (around the brother who messed with his mind) and two stronger people can get stronger together ;)

Relationships change with time and that's not a bad thing. He might have wanted to know every little detail in the beginning but that doesn't mean he doesn't care now that he asks less. In my experience relationships are more like mountains and Valleys than steady flat plains and prairies of sameness... sometimes we're heading down a slope: distant or distracted or going through something personal that takes our focus away from our partner... but it can always go back UP to the peaks of connection and intimacy.

It's not unusual to look at other threads, recognize names, look at the history. I have read that you have an 11 year old son who apparently lives with his father, is spending the summer with you. I also realize your boyfriend is 15 years younger than you are.

Do you think the boyfriend's age, the "porn problem," the "are there drugs in my food?". The other problems in your relationship are going to have an impact on your son? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/children/good-very-cheap-ideas-658613.html#post3112635

If so I'd proceed very carefully both with the "boyfriend" relationship and your relationship with your son.

Do you think the boyfriend's age, the "porn problem," the "are there drugs in my food?". The other problems in your relationship are going to have an impact on your son?


No I do not think it will impact my 11 year old son!! It is not any of your business but I am going to be staying with my oldest son while my youngest son is here thank you very much!!

Daily steps...

1. He wakes up ( says nothing )
2. Walks in living room turns on computer ( says nothing )
3. Paces for 10 minutes ( says nothing )
4. Sits down at computer slides earphones on and says " I love you" and then silence the next six hours :(

Everyday the very same routine over and over. I've tried changing up a little. I try talking but it don't work. At this point I am in this relationship for life ( as I have stated in other threads ) I guess just accept it and try to make the best out of what's left of the day huh? :)

How about your own routine outside of his. That's what healthy couples do, they share and care, yet have their own individual things to do. And before we go further, I combined and edited your threads as best I could to get the total picture in focus, in the same place.

Why are you so obsessed with him being able to do his own thing without you? Its very easy to plan love time ahead, and blend routines at times, but if you cannot accept what HE likes to do himself, what's the point?? You are the mature one, but also the needy one.

Your solutions lie in making adjustments so you are happy with yourself, and not dependent on what he does for himself. That takes years of communications sometimes, and much learning and growth on both your parts. Or maybe you think you know what's better for him than he does, because you are older by 15 years?

They ONLY way to bridge that gap is with patience and understanding as you communicate with each other. Changes just don't occur in a day, a week, sometimes not in a year, but acceptance can start NOW, and taking responsibility for your own happiness, can began immediately.

Thanks to Whisperwill, Smoothy and also Talaniman for all your help. Today a week later "We" are doing so much better. With much talking and I believe now understanding each other... Finally. Thank you so much for your helpful advice :)

A weeks not a lot of time... Lets see if its still going better a few months from now... we can hope it is.

Well it did get much better then he cheated. But we are working it out... I think

Cheating is a pretty big bump in the road.

Cheating is a pretty big bump in the road.


It did get better... but?

Yes cheating is HUGE bump smoothy. I always value your opinions on my life lol.And the worst part of it ( I guess ) is he really don't remember any detail of it. His best friend set it up. It started as a joke in July between them and then oneday in late July he got a message from the guy saying "Bowling TONIGHT". You know in earlier post I wasn't anting him to go out etc. Well things were going so good I told him go and have a great time. Well allday he kept saying " I dont know if I want to go". I told him I really did not mind to please go and have fun. So he showered and the friend picked him up around 9pm. He said he was after bowling going to chill at the friends house allnight, Okay I was fine with that. Well I couldn't sleep all night. I sent a text to his friends phone about 1230am and told my boyfriend I was going to bed and to have a fun night. I would see him in the morning. They never answered and I didn't think anything about it. Well I finally got up with no sleep at 5am and he was in the kitchen. I looked at him "Omg what have you done?" Nothing baby he replied been a long night and I just want to sleep. He looked so different to me. So we went to bed and slept a few hours. I got up about 9am and he slept until 4pm. A little personal here but between 9am and 4pm I tried giving him oral and he let me for a couple minutes then got fully awake and said stop. So I did not a biggie. He has never liked being woke up that way.

Well he gets up at 4pm and is acting really bad down. Wouldn't let me kiss him, hug him etc. He was ranbling about old times with his dad and he hates everything in his life has changed. He just wanted to die. Nothing was going right. Well at 5pm I am on the couch and he kneels down in front me of me and says " You remember how you told me baby that I could never do anything to make you hate me? Well I did it. And with the ugliest girl I have ever known." I couldn't say anything. I was numb. He then says he did not finish the deed. He couldn't. He told her stop and they did. It was at the bowling ally. Well I was very upset but gave him props for not going through with it. I did not scream yell etc. I only clinged to him that much tighter.Loved him just the same if not more. That was on a Friday.

Well Wednesday morning just about to go to sleep at 6am we are laying in bed and I roll over and touch his face and tell him how special he is to me and he gets out of bed turns light on gets dressed and is pacing bad in the bedroom. Again he kneels beside me by the bed and he says "Mary I have to tell you something else." He said we left here and went to a hotel and my intentions my plans in all honesty was just to watch the girl and the said buddy he went with have sex". But then they had a 3some. Which was the friends plan from the get go. He said I snapped. I did not want to look stupid and everything was red in my mind. His friend was throwing things up saying my boyfriend owed it to me. He said but for real it did not last long. They did all of it and I just got involved the 2 minutes it took me to get off. I watched the whole time. The girls mom was in the adjoining room and help set it up and all. He said we got done and was gone in 2 minutes and I was back home in 10 minutes. It was right down the road from me. I asked him if he got my text and he said hnestly he did not know I even texted until his friend told him on the way home. Well since then I have talked to the friend and the friend said he did not tell him I texted because he knew he would not even watch then. And he admitted on pressuring him into and even having the girls mom threaten them if they did not go through with it. I told the friend he is not any kind of friend to put my boyfriend through this when he is bad sick anyway. I said you put something more in his head with him being mentally ill now.

Well my boyfriend said He will not let me suffer for something he done and he has been so great accepting his punishment. And he is no longer friends with that guy. But I am hurt and crushed. After I was on here talking about he would never in his life and I am all he needs or wants. But I have forgave him. But I am still a lost and confused Corrupted Angel :(

I think he DOES remember every bit of it... even in my post college out on my own early days... not once did I ever have sex with a female I wasn't fully aware of, and NEVER have I not remembered it. No matter how drunk I mioght have been at the time...

I'm 50, while I can't actually remember all of the names after so many years (I've been married over 20 years now)... I still have very vivid mental pictures of each one. ANd yes I do mean every one. I can still describe every detail of each ones body at the time back to the first one when I was 14.

SO, I do get upset when someone claims , "I couldn't help it" or "I don't remember it"... and my BS alarms starts going off.

If he really cared... he wouldn't have done it the first time... but I can guraantee you there would NOT have been a second time. He would have not allowed himself to be in the position that lead to that.

I'm being serious... I'm a man.. I can be tempted, and trust me I have been many times... but because I am a man and an adult, I also know enough to remove myself from the situation before the little head starts calling the shots instead of the big head. If a guy doesn't then he OWNS what happens next.

Because I know my wife would do that too. Yes I do know her that well and can trust her that far.

... Well i finally got up with no sleep at 5am and he was in the kitchen. I looked at him "Omg what have you done?" Nothing baby he replied been a long night and I just want to sleep. He looked so different to me. So we went to bed and slept a few hours. I got up about 9am and he slept until 4pm. A little personal here but between 9am and 4pm I tried giving him oral and he let me for a couple minutes then got fully awake and said stop. So I did not a biggie. He has never liked being woke up that way. (


The relationship aside - I trust he practiced safe sex AND I trust he minimally showered before or after he came home because if you "tried giving him oral and he let [you] for a couple minutes... " you have now been exposed to every partner anyone in this scenario has ever had.

As far as the cheating - what's the line? It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

This is not a bump in MY world - it's an entire roadblock.

He would have had to showered or I would have known and no he did not use protection. :( I really don't think he gave me one thought.

So smoothy pretty much your saying if was you... you would walk out?

Smoothy I just don't know. With his whole Mental thing what if it was just a break down of sorts? Now I am just talking dumb. I have told him the last two months the him and the friend planned this is advance. He even questioned himself quiet a few times that day and once just a couple minutes before pulling out of the driveway because I was out there and kissed him later and tod him I loved him. He told the friend if we don't leave soon I'm going in and going to bed. Don't feel like this tonight. Me thinking bowling. Laughing and having a good time with them and both them knowing right then what they were going to do. My boyfriend knew what he was leaving to do. Though he did say that his only intention was watching and as I told him but watching got you hard and you wanted to screw!! I was right here at home. 10 minutes down the road and would have gave him a far better screw.

I am so hurt :( :( :(