Ill try keeping this short so its easy to understand:

My girlfriend and I have been together for 2-3 yrs. We are both 19 yrs old. Everything was nothing short of perfect until the last couple of months. During the "perfect" period, we had healthy relationship problems, arguments, and we would always work things out.

But lately, she had wanted to leave. I have counted a LOT of times where I had to literally beg on my knees for her to stay. And every time I would better myself and fix the problem. I would give her everything she wanted... gifts, flowers, cards and letters, patience, devotion, my love and commitment. It wasn't enough... she would then want to keep leaving, until finally she did. I was devastated because I had given EVERYTHING I had... I tried my best to make it work and make it happy even when I was dying inside. I would cry myself to sleep and wake up the next morning to ask for more. I love her, and she says she loves me all the time, she also says there is no one else (I am 100% sure about this).

We had planned our future together(I know were younge but still... ), the kind cars, houses, kids and all that. It just kills me to look back at all the letters and pictures we had together.

I have given her "space" before, and it worked, but this time it feels like she can actually leave me for good. She had wanted to leave for a long time, the only reason why she didn't, is because I promised to be better and really REALLY begged for her to stay.

As for myself, I think I'm too jealous and insecure, I would always call her and stay by her side literally everyday. I think I smothered her too much to the point where she's just sick of me.

Why would she want to leave?:( What can I do to get her back? Is there even a chance?

She left me because she said she wasn't happy to be with me, she said I made her sad, she says she didn't want "me" anymore, but I know deep in my heart that she loves me.

Help :(
Its eating me alive...

Here's the deal. Women don't want candies and flowers and gifts. Women want appreciation and respect, both for her, and for yourself. When you beg and plead and buy her all sorts of crap it's completely meaningless. The fact that you've kept her this long is a reflection on how sorry she feels for leaving you. Women don't really admit this often, but what they really want is a challenge. They don't want somebody that's going to do whatever they say whenever, they want a bad boy. That doesn't mean bad character, that means that they want a guy that's going to piss them off occasionally. When you present yourself as submissive, you're going to get walked over. Women don't want men they can walk on.

For the time being, you two are done, and you need to let her go. The more you call and beg and plead, the more you prove to her how right she was about you. It's time for you to head off into the world by yourself, and enjoy it. Women don't respond to weakness, they respond to strength, show yours and let her go.

That's really true 'foreverzero', but what do you mean "for the time being..". Does that mean that there's still hope?

The thing is, she always leaves whenever she's not happy. She thinks by leaving me, it'll make her life better. But deep down inside, I know she wants to be with me. Im almost sure she's asking for space... but I'm not sure if she wants to get back together... all she said was.. I want to leave... and I finally let her go.

Well, do you want to be with somebody that doesn't want to be with you? If not, I'd suggest you take this time and evaluate your wants and needs. I say for now because it's been my experience that exes always tend to find their way back into your life at precisely the moment things are looking good for you without them. As the old expression goes, "It never rains, it pours." I'd think she'll be back sometime down the line, but you're talking a minimum of months, maybe years. Remember this. Life isn't better without you in it, it's easier. Right now she needs easier, so let her have easier. Enjoy your own easier life, and it might even turn out to be better.

The time for you and her is over. If you want to really drive her away for good, keep doing what you're doing. If you want to salvage some sort of friendship in the future, it's time to remember that the time for YOU has reared its head. Lash some reins on that thing and get ready to work on yourself - it's going to suck and at times it's going to feel like you've been going through the same old stupid garbage FOREVER, but trust me, things will pass.

Remember your hobbies. Do you have a talent, like skateboarding, drawing or writing? Time to indulge in these things. Go to the gym and hit that weight set, if that's what you need to do. Run, get in shape, play basketball (what a great game that is!). Get a little of that testosterone out of your system with some healthy competition. If you don't have a job, get one and fast!

At the end of the period of your coping, however long it may be, you're going to look back and realize two things. First, that it didn't last nearly as long as you thought it would. Second, that her dumping you may have been one of the best things to ever happen to you.

Let her go, man. Get rid of her cell number, delete her email address and AIM contacts, do whatever you need to do. NO TALKING TO HER! If she cares about you, sometime down the line you can still be friends - there's a lot of years yet to plow, my friend! She has to live for herself, right now, and so do you. Here's the hard truth - when she took you back, after the begging, it was only because she felt pity for you. There was very little affection at work there! In fact, she very likely felt put upon for being the anchor to your emotions. YOu've done some damage that only time and self-improvement will repair.

Get to it. I know you can do this. I know you'll come out of it a happier, stronger and generally improved human being. Good luck and enjoy your journey!

Those are both great points but(and I reallly appreciate it guys.. ):

Letting her go is so devastating because we had been through sooo much. I could enjoy life to the fullest but in the end I want her to be a part of that. I know she TRULY cares about me, its just my obsessiveness and jealousness that drove her away.

What kills me even more is her seeing other people. It destroys me to even think about it.

I guess my question is, will giving her "space" and time mend her feelings towards me, and will it get us back the way it used to be?

Would working on myself make her come back?

I think a better question is, do you want to make her come back?

Or would you prefer it if she chose to come back without your involvement in any kind?


You can't make her come back. The mentality that you can do that is jealousy and controlling behavior at work. You don't want to make her come back. You want her to want to come back. That's a decision only she can make, and your best bet is to leave her alone and let her do this herself. In the meantime, you're better off figuring out what you did wrong and solving it for yourself, not for her.

The harsh reality of the post-break up situation:

1. Not working on yourself and being clingy/jealous will definitely keep you in both a painful place and away from her.

2. Working on yourself probably won't bring her back. No matter what, she's likely gone for good (or, even though you don't know it yet, it may turn out you are gone for good).

3. On the other hand, working on yourself will probably put in you in a place you can deal with not seeing her and make you attractive to someone else.

Letting her go is so devastating because we had been through sooo much. I could enjoy life to the fullest but in the end i want her to be a part of that. I kno she TRULY cares about me, its just my obsessiveness and jealousness that drove her away.

What kills me even more is her seeing other people. It destroys me to even think about it.

Not having contact with her will spare you the knowledge of the fact that she WILL see other men and WILL have a good time with them. This is one of those things that you MUST accept or turn into a crazy person (ie stalker, obsessed ex, etc). You're young. You could meet someone in two years and be with them for three and hey, what do you know, you're only 24 and suddenly you've been through 'soooo much' with someone else. And you still have your entire life left ahead of you! This is not the end of the world, my friend.


I guess my question is, will giving her "space" and time mend her feelings towards me, and will it get us back the way it used to be?

Probably not. Frankly, I doubt she feels the love you seem to assume that she does. It's not impossible, but a betting man would never take your chances.


Would working on myself make her come back?

It's the only way... But the only way to work on yourself is remove her from your life. It's called No Contact - it works and it's not a ploy to regain someone's love. It's about becoming a better person. Please, adopt this!

Start TODAY. Break it into days at first, then weeks and then months. If she calls you, you probably shouldn't answer the phone, but I know you will... If you do, keep it short, and tell her that she's RIGHT above all else! You DO need time apart... Obviously I don't know the specifics of the situation, but I've seen things and experienced things that tell me that life has given you a chance to improve that you need, no, MUST take.

Good luck! You can do it!

ForeverZero wrote:

"Or would you prefer it if she chose to come back without your involvement in any kind?"
"You want her to want to come back."

Those are STRONG words that I believe in, and I do want her to come back to me without my involvement. Would no contact and space make her realize her feelings for me? The only reason why I keep repeating that question is because for the last couple of months, I have literally smothered her from the world... (That started when she almost cheated on me). And now that I am giving her a chance to breathe, would she realize what I mean to her.

I would also like to say that this like the first time that she actually left.

Thnks to everybody responding by the way... means a lot.

No, no contact will not make her realize her feelings for you. IT MIGHT.

You cannot speak in absolutes in terms of the future. I think your best chances, and again, they're only chances, are if you leave her alone. You should prepare for the outcome that it's over permanently, and accept it.

I have already prepared for all outcomes and have realized that she probably won't come back (I always think of the worst case scenarios)... but how much better are my chances if I left her alone.

And can anyone explain or verify the "no-contact" thing. How she would feel about it, and if or not it actually works.

I have already prepared for all outcomes and have realized that she probably wont come back (i always think of the worst case scenarios)... but how much better are my chances if i left her alone.

And can anyone explain or verify the "no-contact" thing. How she would feel about it, and if or not it actually works.

No Contact is the means for you to deal with the pain of a break up and get healthy and move on with your life. No contact has never to my knowledge brought anyone back, nor is it intended to. It is intended for you to have a life that you enjoy without her and to accept the death of this relationship and bring the balance back into your life by finding out who you are and what you are about in life. Time and hard work will bring you to the point of being able to handle the feelings you have and dealing with the reality of your situation. There are many here on this forum who are in the same boat you are. So read the other threads for insight.

Hey thanks for the replies, its honestly doing me some good rite now... and thankfully I have not done anything stupid (i.e. emailing, texting, stalking,) thanks to you guys.

I am still twisted about this entire thing and I was just wondering what kind of reaction will a girl get after you give her the no-contact treatment. The girl still loves you, she just wants some space alone.

Generally, how do girls feel about the no-contact treatment? Hopefully I get a female perspective, but at this point.. any is fine. Thks a million for the help people.

One of my friends is going through the same thing with her boyfriend. So from a girl's perspective you just have to let her have space. If she really wants to be with you she'll come back. You said you know she still loves you and that's probably true but just because you love someone doesn't mean that you should be with them. It's only with distance that a girl can truly see if she's happier apart or if she misses you so much she wants to get back together.

Don't contact her. Calls and e-mails may temporarily bring her back but it's not a longterm solution. Just make sure she knows that if she changes her mind and does want to come back you always want her to call.

I think this relationship was over a long time ago. It's obvious she knew that and I think if you are honest with yourself you also realized this was over months ago if not longer. I don't doubt you miss her but I think a lot of your feelings are more of fear going forward. At 19 your not sure where life is headed and you've lost a anchor that was in the transitional period from high school to real world. I think part of what your feeling is a loss of your childhood or at lest a loss of your teen years and an uncertainy about what or where your going in the future.

I'm not going to lie you made several major mistakes in your treatment of your girlfriend. But if you can learn from it you'll be able to turn this pain into a positive down the road. Take it from me, I did not learn many times over and continued to feel the pain your in right now. I think ForeverZero gave you some great advice in his first post so I won't repeat a lot of that but I did want to draw attention to this quote.


I was devasted because i had given EVERYTHING i had

In the future never, ever give a woman everything. In fact never give her more than 50% of yourself. You must always make yourself the most important person in the relationship because if you don't your left with nothing like now. Your left picking up the pieces wondering why when she's off doing her thing and has not a care in the world. If you find that you're ever giving more then 50% of yourself pull back or let her go immediately before your lose it all.

This is your first major break up. You've got to give YOURSELF some space and quite honestly some credit because what your feeling is all new and your searching for answers. I won't BS you this won't change overnight but it will get better. Believe it or not it may wind up helping you in the future if you choose to learn from it. If you make the pain mean something you have meaning over the pain.

Chuff, I couldn't agree more. But are you guys saying that its completely over? Because my ex is the type of girl to stay at home after a break up... and feel guilty about the things she did. She would usually make irrational decisions, and take it back later. (Usually when she takes me back, I have something to do with it.) This time I want her to come back on her own.

I know deep down inside, that she still has some feelings for me, even though its little LITTLE feeling. The problem is, she is a strong girl that doesn't admit to be wrong, and I'm worried that she won't call in the next couple of days because she is very stubborn. I know pretty much for sure that she IS hurting without me there.

Do stubborn girls actually HAVE feelings and miss their ex's after leaving them? And if they do... will they EVER admit their wrong and call you back?

Thnks in advance.

One thing for sure you have not accepted what she told you so no contact will do you no good here,friend. You are still hoping she comes to her senses and come back. You need a life without her bad.
I
have literally smothered her from the world... (That started when she almost cheated on me). And now that I am giving her a chance to breathe, would she realize what I mean to her.

Does this sound a lttle unhealthy to you and what does almost cheated on you mean?

Hey tal, why would no contact do good? And the part where she almost cheated, a couple of months ago before I got all obsessive and jealous, I found out she gave her contacts to some guy and started talking to him(mostly msn). I obviously found out and she said sorry for everything and never talked to him again. We reconciled, but I wasn't the same person. I had lost trust and I would become a selfish and insecure little kid.

I have accepted that she is gone. True, I am hoping, but who wouldn't hope for the best. I am doing the best I can do live life without her, but tell me why no contact doesn't do good here... because I think it does. Mind you, she is the type to come back... but she is very stubborn! and will only come back when I ask her to.

The only thing I can do now is no-contact.

In your mind from what you wrote, this is not over, so what would you be healing from? Your are waiting, not grieving. Big Difference. No contact is to move on, not wait. Yes she gone, but you know she'll be back. No contact means being unavailable forever, is that what you want? Not from what you have written.

Im hurting like crazy because she said it was over. She ended it and doesn't want to see me for good. She never promised to come back(I didn't even get a goodbye!). But a good part of me feels like she wants to come back(shes just stubborn, I want her to come back on her own), my mind tells me she won't, my heart tells me she will.

Yes, I am waiting, because I want her back. But my main focus is sticking up for myself for once... not contacting her. But I just can't get her out of my head, and it feels so impossible to not want her back. Lol, the title of the post says: I want her back, but how?

Thnks tal..

Don't feel bad about being confused in the least, you may as well join the party because we all have been where you sit and guess what? There are many new members to the club every day. I was only trying to show you how all over the place you are right now and will wait for the decision that you make. Are you ready or not?

Ill try keeping this short so its easy to understand:

My girlfriend and i have been together for 2-3 yrs. We are both 19 yrs old. Everything was nothing short of perfect until the last couple of months. During the "perfect" period, we had healthy relationship problems, arguements, and we would always work things out.

But lately, she had wanted to leave. I have counted a LOT of times where i had to literally beg on my knees for her to stay. And everytime i would better myself and fix the problem. I would give her everything she wanted... gifts, flowers, cards and letters, patience, devotion, my love and commitment. It wasnt enough... she would then want to keep leaving, until finally she did. I was devasted because i had given EVERYTHING i had...i tried my best to make it work and make it happy even when i was dying inside. I would cry myself to sleep and wake up the next morning to ask for more. I love her, and she says she loves me all the time, she also says there is no one else (i am 100% sure about this).

We had planned our future together(i know were younge but still...), the kind cars, houses, kids and all that. It just kills me to look back at all the letters and pictures we had together.

I have given her "space" before, and it worked, but this time it feels like she can actually leave me for good. She had wanted to leave for a long time, the only reason why she didnt, is because i promised to be better and really REALLY begged for her to stay.

As for myself, i think im too jealous and insecure, i would always call her and stay by her side literally everyday. I think i smothered her too much to the point where shes just sick of me.

Why would she want to leave?:( What can i do to get her back? Is there even a chance?

She left me coz she said she wasnt happy to be with me, she said i made her sad, she says she didnt want "me" anymore, but i know deep in my heart that she loves me.

Help :(
its eating me alive....
I'll make this short and sweet... well maybe not so sweet to say. In my opinion, I think you should move on. You are better off. The more you take her back the more heartache you are setting yourself up for. I, too, was in a situation where I kept trying to be with someone who said they did not want me anymore. I was hurt so bad. I let the pain get to me and I totally went crazy and tried killing myself. Now, I'm not applying that this will happen to anyone else, that's just what happened to me. The saying that says pain can kill you is in deed true in some cases. Luckily, I came to my senses and didn't do it. I moved on with my life and that guy came back. He would tell me that he still loved me and all that. But when he realized that I wasn't going to let him hurt me anymore he left me alone. I am now with someone else, going on a year. I'm engaged and 100 percent happy. It's quite amazing how a whole lot of pain can lead to happiness. Try it. See what happens. "Follow your heart and be true to yourself!" Good luck and best wishes! :)

Chuff, i couldn't agree more. But are you guys saying that its completely over? Because my ex is the type of girl to stay at home after a break up... and feel guilty about the things she did. She would usually make irrational decisions, and take it back later. (Usually when she takes me back, i have something to do with it.) This time i want her to come back on her own.

Let it go. Read your posts as though I wrote them. What would you say to me? Your so far gone. You've already admitted you have nothing to give. You're in complete denial here. Let it go and find out who you are. Because you have no idea. And she cannot answer that for you. Only you can answer that.


I know deep down inside, that she still has some feelings for me, even though its little LITTLE feeling.

No you don’t. You have no idea what she’s feeling. You can only speak for you. You can never speak for her even if she tells you she feels something.


The problem is, she is a strong girl that doesnt admit to be wrong, and im worried that she wont call in the next couple of days because she is very stubborn. I know pretty much for sure that she IS hurting without me there.

You are the one hurting. You have no idea what she’s doing.


Do stubborn girls actually HAVE feelings and miss their ex's after leaving them? And if they do.... will they EVER admit their wrong and call you back?

Thnks in advance.

Who are you? Do you know? You have no identity outside of her.

I think you need to let her go and slowly determine who you are and what you want out of life. Then you can worry about tackling dating someone.

Hey, any advice would be great:

Me and my gilrfriend of 2.5 yrs broke up a couple of days ago. I heard and learnt about the No contact method (and yes, I know its suppose to be for SELF healing and all that.. but I WANT her back.)

To sum it all up, here was my post:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/long-term-girlfriend-wants-leave-she-did-want-her-back-but-how-63990.html

Ive been in no-contact for 3 days now. Im dying inside. I haven't contacted in ANY way. I have packed all her stuff, worked out, played b-ball, took walks but it still kills. For some stupid reason I know she still misses me(even though everybody here is saying she doesnt:( ), I know because that's how she is I guess. And i know shes trying her hardest to get over me.

But why hasent she called? She's really, really stubborn and never admits that she's wrong. She's used to me calling her all the time and asking for her. I just want a second chance.. and I want to know if other girls out there do the same thing to their guys. I know I'm being impatient and I should wait longer, but I hear that everybodys ex's at least call back after a couple of days of NC. All my stuff is still at her house, and hers at mine, I have no idea why she hasn't called to take it.

Can she actually hold this up?? Or we she eventually break and call me... Even if its once to say goodbye, even if its just ONCE so i can show her im ok without her.

I want that one call, so I can show her I'm OK and that I don't need her anymore, even if I plan NOT to pick up.

I want to make it clear that I am not waiting for her, I'm keeping myself occupied.. but now and then, I think about it. I know my heads messed up and confused but my heart can't take it anymore.

Thnks in advance, help

My ex never called me nor do I expect her to do so at any point in the future. You should adopt a similar belief.

You're panicking right now. It's been three days and you don't know what the hell to do with yourself. 3 days is not no contact. No contact should last in incriments of months. These will be the hardest days, but try your hardest not to trick yourself into believing her life is fine without you. You're not talking to her and you're panicking, try to imagine what's going on her end of the deal. You have to mirror it back. If her not talking to you is making you this crazy, try to imagine what you not talking to her is doing to her. Don't assume her life is dandy without you.

Isn't hope gone after weeks, let alone months? I know I'm impatient and I know I'm panic'ing right now but it seems reasonable that a week should do. Should it?

If she really cares shed call back... but how long will she continue to care?

Give it some time, time will also give you perspective on things. Eventually people who are stubborn do realize... in my experience.

Oh Imissher, I have read you other post as well.

You really have to make the most of this time to work on you. You are throwing your whole self into this girl and losing who you are in the process.

Take advantage of this time to get stronger. To be more self-assured. That having someone in your life is a part of your life but not your WHOLE life. Does that make sense? Meaning, learn how to breath for yourself. Learn how to be yourself.

If she were to call you today, would you be ready? Are you stronger? Are you more self confident because you know who you are?

If the two of you were to get back together, what has changed? What would prevent her from doing this again?

You are doing very good at keeping yourself busy. You did a GREAT thing today, by coming here and venting, instead of weaking yourself, delaying your healing and contacting her.

Just to be sure you understand, and I know it's been said here earlier, but no contact is for you to heal, to take better care of yourself than you have been.

Stop the presses, and start putting all that energy into yourself. I bet you will be amazed at the person you find. I honestly and truly mean that.

She's not stubborn - she just doesn't like to play games. Probably has good self-esteem.

No contact is never to get them back ever. They might come back. But it's also to show thme ohyur strong. Independent - not needy. Can have a great life without them.

You put too much importancde into her. Pedestal,

They are part of your life - not your life.

She hasn't called because you did something to push her away. Far away. I suspect being too avaialable, needy - you osund like it.

I almost want to throw up reading aqbout this guy. It's gross.

Dude - LEARN to ne a MAN!! Not a door mat. Women don't want any of that CRAP!!

". I have counted a LOT of times where i had to literally beg on my knees for her to stay. And everytime i would better myself and fix the problem. I would give her everything she wanted... gifts, flowers, cards and letters, patience, devotion, my love and commitment. It wasnt enough."

That really wants to make me throw up. No owmen wants begging and mush!! Yuck!!

Gifts?? Few and very far between.

You are what we call a WUSSY.

Learn about this.

Learn to become a MAN!!

Go to these sites and read every article. Educate yourself. You've made every mistake in the book.

AskMen.com - Free Men's Online Magazine (http://www.askmen.com) (read every article on relationships and dating!! )

SoSuave.com - The Don Juan Center - Learn the Secrets of Meeting, Dating, and Attracting Women! (http://www.sosuave.com) - every article

Love Tactics - Love Tactics Home (http://www.lovetactics.com) - great insite to REAL adult realtionships.

Dating Tips - Secrets To Attracting and Meeting Women (http://www.doubleyourdating.com) - this is NOT to become a player but to LEARN what REALLY attracts women - wha twomen REALLY want!!

You need to educate yourself today - and feel better tomrrow.

FOR GET THIS GAL FORE NOW!! 3 MONTHS - NO CONTACT - I KNOW OYU Won't DO IT... BUT YOU MUST. DON'T BE A WUSSY.

And I am doing this for oyur own good - time to grow up.

She's not stubborn - she just doesn't like to play games. Probably has good self-esteem.

Lol.. she has low self-esteem. And as far as I know.. all girls have low self-esteem and think that their all fat. She just has a lot of confidence and self esteem OVER me in this situation.

Yes wildcat.. I am needy and insecure, weak, and I know that NC isn't suppose to bring them back (I have heard that a thousand times), BUT and I say "BUT" so many times, I need to show her that I am OK without her, and for her to realize how different life is without me. And hopefully, I will get a call from the no-contact treatment, so that I can show her that I'm not needy anymore. The pain is going away slowly, but I get times at which it is unbearable. And are you saying that if I make myself unavailable, that she would call me?

Don't mistake it, I do want her back, if it doesn't happen then so be it. But I want to try, after all, I spent 2.5 yrs of my life doing so.

And lol... on an unrelated side note, that was my favourite jordan commercial wildcat, sick quote eh? And yeah... jordan ROBBBBED dwight howard on that sticker dunk... man!

Check out this thread:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/steps-dealing-transitions-64459.html

And read Val's post about the stages leading to acceptance, from "shock" via "denial", "depression" and "bargaining" toward "acceptance" (my personal favorate "acceptance cocktail" is lotsa bargaining with a healthy dose of denial and a splash of anger, but your mileage may vary... ). The bit about transitions was the sort of thing that helped me out when I've had to get over the loss of love because it gave me a framework to understand how to deal with things.

If you like old movies, you can hear and visualize about these stages in "All That Jazz":

All That Jazz (1979) (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0078754/)

(the lead's path to acceptance takes up most of the last 1/2 of the movie and it starts with a standup comedian talking about death... ).

Right now, you sound like you're in "shock". Where you need to be heading is toward acceptance of the way things are and they sure sound like you are separate from her.

Good luck!

Hey cat,

It was a MISTAKE to do that I know... and I didn't realize how far I pushed her off by doing that. I didn't realize it was a bad thing. Yes I was a wussy, but you have to understand that I wouldve been smelly,retarded, or smelly+retarded+wussy, to be with this girl. And feelings are amplified during the break up that makes you do stupid crap. Now I realize different.

I am trying believe me, I mite be a wuss to her, but not to the world, make no mistake.

WHO CARES WHAT SHE THINKS? It's not no contact treatment - it's not like you're giving her the silent treatment or anything vaguely resembling that! It's No Contact!

<slams head against wall> Dude! She doesn't like you and she doesn't want you! She WILL NOT CALL. NOT. Your ego is working in full overdrive right now, coming up with reasons for why this is all going to turn up roses for you. It won't. And more importantly, it doesn't matter. 2.5 years... Fantastic! What does it mean in the long run? Very little. Did you really expect to spend the rest of your life with this girl? Out of high school right up until you died?

Be rational. This is a part of life. She left - it's over. If she hadn't felt sorry for you then I bet it would have happened a lot sooner. In fact, I'm sure she told her closest friends again and again that she wanted to leave you but 'just couldn't because she didn't want to hurt you.' It stopped being about her a long, long time ago and started being all about YOU. First in your selfish domineering of the relationship and, now that she's gone, in working on figuring a way to improve yourself, from all this.

I'd lay even money (looking to bet, Wildcat?) that she's probably dated another man all ready. You all ready tried to get her back. It didn't work. Time to walk away.

Yeahh ill accept it when its over... right now is too early to give up. I want her back, at the same time I'm working on myself. Shock, yes, denial, yes, depression, close, and acceptance, I have already accepted that she left. I have nothing to lose by wanting her back and working on myself. If she doesn't, its her loss, but for now.. I need to show her that I'm not needy no more...

SO CALLL... lol.. for gods sake if you hear this.. CALL ME BABE.. lol.. I swear I'm going insane.

My friend, you haven't even begun... The fact that you want to show her that you're not needy... DOn't you see the contradiction?

Trust me, I empathize. I've been in the very same boat... But think about what you've been saying. Look at what you've written! You're desperate.

You need space. If she calls, it'd probably be best to not answer... You can always talk later, much later... When you're both more mature, more rational, and for goodness sake more calm.

LBP, I'm sure she hasn't seen anybody or her friends wouldve called me by now (her friends are close with me)... and to be perfectly honest, its weird but her friends asked her to stay with me... (dont ask me.. seriously). Most of the time she told her friends that she didn't want to leave because she'd lose me for good.

True, lately its all been about me. Now its about her, and I'm giving her time.


Just saying.

Yeahh I won't pick up.. it'll be hard.. but I won't.. promise u LBP lol.

I a,m harsh.

But you need to really learn abour women. Women are in the Bizzaro world - they don't think like we do - they FEEL - we're mostly logic. It's HOW you make them feel.

Begging, gifts, flowers - NO!! The want an independent man - not a little boy. They don''t want to be put on a pedestal ever. 80% of the time they are your friend - 20% romatic.

You're lucky that you're young and can learn this stuff NOW!!

You need to learn - LESS of you is MORE!! You don't have to call her 5 times a day, e-mail, text all day long - yuck. Get a life. Be busy. See her when oyu can. Don't spend an hour o nthe phone.

You want t omake her miss you. Want you. Be proud of you. Respect you.

Being needy, insecure, is horrible for business.

Dude I know exactly what you are going through. Take some time and work on something constuctive that will be positive for you. Try counseling, if you do not have insurance or a lot of money call around to different counselors offices and explain you situation. Some counselors will give discounted rates or sometimes take a case probono. Most likely you will get better with time. Try your best to stop ruminating on your situation and use your friends for emotional and social support. If all else fails turn to religion.

Try this website: Darren L. Johnson Official Website | Letting Go of Stuff | Motivational Books| Self Growth Audio Book. (http://www.lettinggoofstuff.com), you can ask for advice.

3 days is not a lot. It just feels like an eternity because you've been with her.

1) I would highly recommend you buy a calendar.
And for 90 days on a new calendar mark each day.
You can put in an adjective or phrase a day of how you feel. 2 and up to 3 if really in pain.
This sounds a bit obsessive, but if it only a minute a day and it gives you a paradigm and structure to put your hurting brain in, it will help you. Do this and KNOW that when you get to day 90 you will be in a new place.
You will see the adjectives change and you may be surprised that you may not even want to write something as time goes on... if you've been married or have been with someone more than 5 years you may need to double the days...

2) No cheating. If you (text, email, purposely run into mutual friends, call, write, stalk, visit common spot "gym" or your favorite bar... start over. If you do this you will survive. Really.

3) As far as no contact, IF this is your first break up and she was not 100% sure, the ONLY way to get her back is SILENCE. It's not simply manipulative. It's respectful. And that is very important. The truth is your Girlfriend feels VULNERABLE right now. Believe it or not, she does not like this feeling and the only way you can nurture her and also show strength is to let her be. This is subtle but important. If and when the time comes to drop her a line it will be after 90 days, and then you will see this all clearly. And that is strong in her eyes as well.


4) To gain control, you need to relenquish control.

5) can you articulate to friends why you miss her? See if it really sounds like love and a strong equal partnership.
Now here's the really tough part: do you want her back for real or for your ego? If for your ego - when she comes back, talk frankly but consider that this was a proper end to let you find your fate.


6) Regardless of the outcome, if you all have a good foundation, this may be the best thing that ever happened to you! Giving a partner time to think is respectful and validates them and YOU. She doesn't want a guy who bothers her now. (Unless you did something wrong to break her heart ) Your work has already been done. Now you sit back and stay busy.


I will not bore you with my story but I have seen it many times the power of respecting silence.
Just a couple days ago, it happened again... Why did she come back? I think because I respected her time.

7) life is not that cruel. Inside of 90 days - perhaps less - this will all look differently.

8) IF you do not feel like you can do any of this after a few weeks, call a therapist or counselor. They are very good at helping you find your "happy place" aka sanity again!

To reiterate what others have said, and add my two cents (of course)

1) This is not a trick to get her back. This is about you, not her. Worry about you, let her worry about her, and maybe sometime in the future things will change the way you think you want them to. Of course, by then, you'll likely think differently anyway.
2) Three days is nothing. It's not even a start. If you can't last three days, then you needed out of the relationship anyway, because three days out of contact is a holiday weekend with family. If you can't manage that kind of thing, you need to reassess the entire relationship anyway.
3) It's not no contact if you're actively waiting for them to call. That's just playing the spite game. The spite game isn't any kind of getting over the relationship, it isn't any kind of personal growth. It's simply a childish way to try and prove that you're better than them. Guess what? Even if you win the spite game, all that proves is that you're more childish than them. And that ain't better than much.
4) If she calls now, and you get back together like you say you want to, then these few days have been worthless. You're both exactly the same people, and your relationship will be exactly the same as it was, except that now you'll have the nice little bonus of the random break-up option any time something little bothers one of you.

If you actually WANT to do no contact, then send her stuff back to her via a mutual friend. No messages, just the stuff. It's hers anyway, she shouldn't have to ask for it, and you shouldn't want to keep it. Stop waiting for her to call... stop caring about that part at all. If you want to make this worth your while, take the time for yourself, get some personal growth in, and only then will you be ready for her to call.

You think your confused now, imagine how confused you are actually going to be if she calls. Her not calling is a good thing. It makes your train of thought that much easier. You want the call to show her that you are okay without her. Well if that is all she is calling to hear then you better believe she is 90 miles to nothing checking on you and hitting the road for good. Then your going to be back to square one. Don't worry about her calling unless she actually does because believe me, if she does you are going to start rethinking everything all over again. I know your confused about what you want, but the more time away from contact you have with her the clearer you will see things.

I want to make it clear that i am not waiting for her, im keeping myself occupied.

Based on the tone of your post, you claim this to be true but you really don't believe it yourself. If you believed it yourself, you wouldn't care in the least whether she ever called you or not ; in fact you really wouldn't even want her to call. Don't count on her to ever call you again and don't wait for her to call. You've got to make yourself happy for you, not so you can impress her. At best, impressing her with your newfound happiness is just a fringe benefit if she should happen to eventually call you or if you should happen to run into her. And yes, it may make her have more respect for you and it may or may not make her want you back but that is not why it's done. It's done strictly for your own benefit and, to a lesser extent, to improve the odds of success with your next relationship.

I have counted a LOT of times where i had to literally beg on my knees for her to stay. And everytime i would better myself and fix the problem. I would give her everything she wanted... gifts, flowers, cards and letters, patience, devotion, my love and commitment. It wasnt enough... she would then want to keep leaving, until finally she did. I was devasted because i had given EVERYTHING i had...i tried my best to make it work and make it happy even when i was dying inside. I would cry myself to sleep and wake up the next morning to ask for more

This was your first mistake right here. Far too needy and clingy.

[/QUOTE]As for myself, I think I'm too jealous and insecure, I would always call her and stay by her side literally everyday. I think I smothered her too much to the point where she's just sick of me.[/QUOTE]

You hit it right on the head with this. Your neediness and clinginess pushed her away. You've got some major work to do on yourself right now. You've got to develop strength and independence and overcome needing someone else to make you happy. Learn to be your own best friend. Start living for yourself and doing the things you want to do. Realize that you can be truly happy without her. That's the best way for you to heal from this and have more success with your next relationship.

lol.. she has low self-esteem. And as far as i know.. all girls have low self-esteem and think that their all fat. She just has a lot of confidence and self esteem OVER me in this situation.


Hmmm interesting thoughts. I think now I may know why your single, and more so why she hasn't called you!



Yes wildcat.. i am needy and insecure, weak, and i know that NC isnt suppose to bring them back (I have heard that a thousand times), BUT and i say "BUT" so many times, i need to show her that i am ok without her, and for her to realize how different life is without me. And hopefully, i will get a call from the no-contact treatment, so that i can show her that im not needy anymore. The pain is going away slowly, but i get times at which it is unbearable. And are you saying that if i make myself unavailable, that she would call me?

You are gravely mistaken my friend if you think no contacting her will show her your not needy and insecure. You are that needy and insecure that it will be impossible for you to prove it to anyone until you actually take some time and work on yourself.

Charades and games don't work! You can act all you like but you'll get found out and then you'll really realise how much time you are wasting!

Well, there's always the OTHER Solution. The "IMissHer"
Do the opposite of everything you've heard here. I mean you never know.
Settle this in your mind once and for all. Pick up the phone. Call her. Send flowers. Chocolates. Text her. And make an online love card for her. Tell her that you are the only one for her and she knows it. Or she is the only one for you and she will never find anyone better. And if she looks for another guy after your 2 1/2 years together, then she's wasting precious time she could be spending with her man. Then let us all know how it goes. You never know..
NOT what I (or many others) would do (I've already penned a long suggestion),
But it might calm you down tonight.

Ash - right on. Only works in the Movies. This is reality. Time to grow up!

You need to do other things in oyur life - get to the gym - work out. New hobbies. Work harder at work and school. Hang with your friends. Hang with your family.

Less of you is MORE!! A lot of guys just don't get that.

She's not going to forget about you. SHE WILL forget you for good if you're always there like a sick puppy - YUCK!! Not attractive.

WHY do you think most women (and they won't admit this) are attracted to the bad boy - jerk - he's what we call a CHALLENGE!! He ISN'T there 24/7 checking up on her... needing to be with her.

The down side is the jerk/bad boy is really, really, really unhealthy for women for many, many, many reasons.

The goal is to be a good guy... ever hear women like the tall/silent type? NOT the needy, clingy, jealous.

Guys - one tip - she should call you just as much - if not more. If you're calling, e-mailing, texting 3 times a day... well then you have a problem.

Be busy wait it out... do you want to be her just now or in 6 months?

Give women their space - for the love of god!! Make her miss you and think about you.

No one wants some lame insecure dude - always checking up on you - and if you're a little mysterious - she'll love you for it.

Nicely said.. trying my best! Just forgive me.. because I didn't realize how much of a retard I was.

What's to forgive... just learn. Become man about things. A real man - a man women covet to be with because you're a good guy - who has a lot of interesting things going on in his life. A fun guy - you should covet to become the fun guy - women won't leave you alone.

ALWAYS be busy with other things. Women can come and go. You put too much importance into one... heartache/heartbreak

nicely said.. trying my best! Just forgive me.. coz i didnt realize how much of a retard i was.

Bro, give yourself a break and some credit. I don't want to speak for WC or anybody else but the reason we have to come on strong at the beginning is because posts like yours and the others we see here daily have a similar theme. The problem with all of us saying something along the lines of "Your a great guy and one day you'll find a dream girl, this just wasn't the one, you did nothing wrong" is because that's what your friends and family ALWAYS say. And your friends and family are ALWAYS wrong because they don't want to hurt your feelings anymore. So you begin to think it's true and repeat the say stuff over and over.

Look dude, we can all see your in tremendous emotional pain. Nobodies denying it and nobodies mocking you for it. I'd totally have your back if they were. We've all been there in that place your at now. Every last one us. But the pain will go away. I promise you that. It's what you do then that makes a difference. If you repeat this same pattern for over and over again then you've got real problems. And that is coming from an idiot that did just that. But if you can learn now to accept the pain and know why you got to this point then it makes it easier in the future, because the reality probably is you'll have some more break ups. They will probably suck too, but not as much. That first one always stings the worst. Always.

But you've got probably another 60 to 80 years of life ahead of you, maybe more by the way medical breakthroughs are happening. This is just a bump in the road. Trust me, no matter how much it sucks now when your 50 you'll wonder why you even thought it was a big deal. Hell you'll probably being doing that in a year from now.

But you have to give yourself some credit here too. With absolutely no idea and with no experience what to do you went all out and gave her everything of yourself. It was the wrong decision, it was 100% the wrong thing to do. But you gave it an attempt. That's more than some would do. Give yourself some credit here. Don't beat yourself up over this one girl or this one situation. You said you gave everything, and although you got nothing in return back from a emotional or commitment standpoint you got back more than she ever got. You got some tools to use in the future. She's got flowers that died in a couple weeks.

At your age she wasn't going to be with you for life so you actually got something far more valuable then she did even though she got gifts. You got a education that can last a lifetime if you choose to use it. You can apply what you learned here to the next girl. I'm not trying to scare you but she probably won't work out either. But if you can apply what your've learned and learn some more you'll start setting the groundwork for a better future.

First off, I would like to thank everybody for helping me out, and trust me, it has helped to keep my head from exploding.

I understand what you've all said because you've been there and done that, but I don't see any reason why I should'nt try to get her back. Basically, what I'm trying to say here is, I just need some closure. Because when she left a couple of days ago, it was a spur of the moment kind of thing.

I just want her to call, possibly ask for her stuff back or even check on how I'm doing, but either way, I want that call so I'm able to decide on what I should do. Right now, I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, doing no-contact so that I can get a response from her.

Im not expecting us to get back together and live happily ever after. I just want to "try" to get her back, and maximize my chances of getting her back. If it doesn't work out, then so be it... but I can't leave this, laying my head low and forgetting about it. I just want to see where this goes, and I'm hoping that shed call me and talk about it, and ill take it from there. Remember that she left randomly, I have not done anything wrong to hurt her, hence she still has to have SOME feelings, otherwise she would be heartless. She can't throw away 3 yrs and be happy right after.

I do want her back ( don't kill me for wanting to), so theoretically speaking(without talking about how to make myself better, blah blah ), how do I maximize my chances?

Quitters never win, why? Because they quit.

She can't throw away 3 yrs and be happy right after.


You have assumed a lot without facts, but I feel your need to at least find out things for yourself. Do what ya gotta do keep us updated.

You can't think for her. If she calls for her stuff, you know what to do. Be hontest, but be rational as well. Don't beg and plead. Tell her how you feel honestly, and without emotion. They won't believe a word you're saying if they can hear your tears hitting the phone. The best chance you have of getting through to her is to be calm and rational. She left for a reason. You want her back, and aknowledge that her problem with you is real, and you're willing to do the work to solve it. Beyond that, she's on her own. Right now you're on your own. Try not to plan on the best case scenario, plan for the worst.

Tal bro, I forgot to include that her dad called me the other day. He asked if I was alrite because he and my ex's mom were concerned about me. I calmly said "yeah, im cool, im doing alrite". I said "im sorry for everything, i wish it didnt happen this way, by the way, hows everybody doing there?"

My ex's dad replied "Well, everybody here is really sad", then he continued to say that my ex is depressed and sad.

I guess it's a fact that she's sad and depressed, and possibly regretting her decision? I don't want to get caught up about what she's thinking, but I know for sure she isn't happy.

Because when she left a couple of days ago, it was a spur of the moment kinda thing.


Remember that she left randomly, i have not done anything wrong to hurt her, hence she still has to have SOME feelings, otherwise she would be heartless. She can't throw away 3 yrs and be happy right after.

She didn’t leave on a spur of the moment or randomly. She knew this was coming for months. She let herself down emotionally before she ever told you. It didn’t happen overnight. It happened over months maybe up to a year in advance. You are the one that just found out. She knew all along.

I am going through the same thing. It sounds like you have not accepted it is over, and you are living in denial, Its easier to believe this because the real truth of the situation is she does not care about you, and this is far to painful for you to accept... Stop holding on and move on with you're life otherwise you will prolong you’re pain and you will not get over her , iI know it hurts like hell man I have cried myself to sleep as well, but she is out there getting on with her life she no longer cares about you. Move on and the right person will come along when you least expect it. And it was not you’re fault the relationship failed some women are very complex you did everything right you treated her well (like I did) but some women like the challenge of a bad boy but often these women will come unstuck and in years to come will wish they had a man like you again… let them live and learn . Be yourself and someone will come along who will appreciate you..

When one door of happiness closes, another one opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one, which has been opened for us

Hello there,

Sorry to hear about your pain. I too have gone through this 6 months ago when my ex of 3 years left me. I was devastated, what made it worse, was that I was engaged to her and thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I really loved her and it really was a tough thing to go through. I did the sames as you, I was hoping she would come back, every day for 2 or 3 months I was in denial and thought I could use no contact to get her back. People on here like Chuff, Skell, Val, Tal, Wildcat and many others all helped drum some very good advice into me and I suggest you listen very closely to all of them. Everything they say is for your own benefit and most if not all of them speak from experience. Nothing will bring her back my friend, there is nothing you can do, she has to want that inside. At 6 months post breakup, my ex is still my ex and I have given up maybe 3 months ago on the idea of using no contact to get her back. It just is not going to happen. I am not saying that I don't look back now and then, because I do and there is nor real time scale to follow. You will take as long as your heart needs, anything from 6 months to perhaps a year. I can tell you that time does heal and I feel far better than I did 4 months ago. A lot of support from people here really helped me and seeing your thread made me think about my breakup. I do think though you are way too needy and clingy and this will have pushed her far away. I think you actually could do well to be alone for a while and work on yourself. You should never make someone your whole world, ever. You are in major denial and you must give up or at least begin to let go of the hope that she will come back and prepare yourself for the worst. I am sorry if my words don't provide much comfort but speaking from experience, I know that hope is a dangerous thing in that it can hold you back. I bet you get through this and it would not surprise me if you are speaking like I am to someone else who is feeling what you are now in 6 months or so. You just need to give yourself time to grieve my friend and trust me, this will get better, it really will. Take a look at my first thread if you like, and you will see that what you are feeling is quite normal. The only thing about you is that you have a lot to learn with how you dealt with this relationship. You have a chance to take this knowledge and learn from your mistakes and use it in the next relationship. You are actually a winner here even though it may not seem like it.

Take Care!

But lately, she had wanted to leave. I have counted a LOT of times where i had to literally beg on my knees for her to stay.

You see, this proves that she wanted out for a long time but perhaps felt guilty and found it hard to do this to you as you are a nice guy.


I would give her everything she wanted... gifts, flowers, cards and letters, patience, devotion, my love and commitment. It wasnt enough... she would then want to keep leaving, until finally she did. I was devasted because i had given EVERYTHING i had...i tried my best to make it work and make it happy even when i was dying inside.

This shows that you are a nice person but you gave too much in the hope that this would satisfy her. Essentially, you became her puppy dog, you gave her way too much of you. I don't doubt you are a nice person, and this should not happen to nice people but there is a difference between nice and good and there should be balance. This is something you can learn from, I'm not suggesting you become the 'jerk' that young women usually feel attracted to because in the end women want good guys who love and respect them. You are a good guy, don't ever change that, always be true to others and yourself. The only thing you need to do is get busy doing other things in life that a woman is just an add on. You must still love and respect her but don't give all of yourself, Jealousy and clingyness are highly unattractive personality traits and few women will put up with this for long. You can change, you must understand first where you went wrong. It may not be repairable for this ex but it will help you for a future relationship.


I think i smothered her too much to the point where shes just sick of me.

Why would she want to leave?



She left you because you pushed her away with smothering her.. You answered your own question without realising it.




but i know deep in my heart that she loves me.

....

That is what you want to believe and is part of your denial. You can't speak for her because you really can't speculate on how she is feeling. She may be relieved she has finally left you and succeeded. Her depression may have little to do with you. Of course, there is always a chance that she may miss you but you thinking on those terms 24/7 is really going to eat you up inside.

Are you sure you didn't do anything really bad to her... well what can I say... I hate to say this but she left... I don't think there's a way to make her come back cause like you said that happened before but she staid after all this time she left I don't think there's a way to make her come back

are you sure you didnt do anything really bad to her ... well what can i say ... i hate to say this but she left ... i dont think theres a way to make her come back cause like u said that happened before but she staid after all this time she left i dont think theres a way to make her come back

Yes, he did do something bad, not to her but to the relationship, he smothered her and he recognises it. This is how he will improve and work on himself and get healthy for the next relationship. The only way is up from here..

Forgot to say, never beg, it puts her on a pedestal and is a huge ego boost. I won't lie, I did the begging thing when it happened to me but it did no good. It confirmed to her that she could have me whenever she wanted (which she can't because I'm not going to be a doormat) or at the most, made me look needy at the time. Of course, I was in shock and quite often people panic in the first month and it is hard to control this behavior. Begging never works and why should you have to beg someone to love you? Don't you want to be with someone who wants to be with you rather than being forced to through a guilt trip?

Hey guys,

I seriously apoligize for making this thread so friggin long. And I thank everybody for their patience and support. But here it goes:

Everybody is saying that, she is gone, leave her, forget her, she wanted to leave you, work on yourself, your in denial, blah blah. I understand. I understand that smothering her wasn't the best idea and it drove her away to the point where she is gone now. She had wanted to leave for a long time, that is true. But in that period, we did have great moments where we honestly both thought we could make it. We sat down, and had heart-to-heart talks where I knew, FOR SURE, it was OK. The things that would make her want to leave was when I started being snoopy, asking where she's been all day, calling her, checking her phone, accusing her of cheating for no reason, and all the other obsessive things I shouldn't have done. My obssessiveness and jealousness caused her to leave. It was her decision, but ultimately it was my fault. So basically, every time I would do something wrong, I would beg for her to come back. This time, she decided to leave for good, because promises just weren't enough. Even though she left me now and been wanting to for the longest time, we had GOOD moments, not fake moments, true good moments.

The break-up, is still unresolved. I cannot speak for her, true, but I have a good guess that she is finding out what life is like without me in it. As her dad said, she is depressed and sad, which I have a good guess, is because she is thinking about her decision to leave.
My friends called me, and said that she has been home all week since the break up. I hardly doubt that she is celebrating, but more so trying her hardest to get over me. Also, her stuff (which is valuable, one of which is a psp) is still at my house. My clothes are still at her place. Why isn't she asking for it? (Im guessing she's still thinking about her decision, otherwise she wouldve called for her stuff the very next day)

Which brings me to this point, I want her to call. I am not using no-contact in hopes of getting her back. I am using it to get any sort of response from her. I need that call, to let her know I'm doing great without her, and if she decides to end it, then fine, and if she wants to continue to talk and work things out, then great for me. Either way, I need closure. I cannot hang on to false hopes.

I cannot deny that I want everything to work out perfectly. Nor, am I expecting it. I just need her to call, to know for sure.

As for advice, can anyone tell me why she isn't calling? And what should I do at this point, contact or no contact? If I want to maximize my chances of getting her back, what should I do?

Don't suggest me to leave, and work on myself, blah blah, I have heard that a billion times and I understand it from that perspective. Now I need advice on a "positive perspective".

Thnks a billion, I honestly appreciate it.

She's not calling because she's not ready to. Remember the last conversation you two had. You were desperate and clingy. She doesn't want to talk to desperate and clingy you. Right now that's the only you she can think of. Let her remember that there was a time that you weren't that way, and make the decision then. These things take some time.

I just need her to call

Everything about this break boils down to this one thing. And therein lies your problem.


As for advice, can anyone tell me why she isn't calling?

She doesn't want to. Or she doesn't need to. Or she isn't ready to.


And what should I do at this point, contact or no contact?

You need to start no contact. Yes, start it. Talking to her, agonizing over communication, talking to her family and friends, talking to mutual friends about her... all of that breaks every single rule there is about no contact.

There won't be a point at which we'll recommend anything else, by the way, and no matter how much you think you understand, it's clear from your posts that you don't.


If I want to maximize my chances of getting her back, what should I do?

Nothing. At this point, there is nothing you can do. Anything you do will make it worse.

Please note that this is exactly the same as we've advised all through this... nothing has changed.

Here are your options: Take the advice that's been given, time and time again, or take charge, call her up, and end it.

Lol, I'm so screwed over.

I seriously apoligize for making this thread so friggin long. and i thank everybody for their patience and support.

No apologies necessary. When I first read this post I was not really sure if we were getting through to you. I'm still not convinced but you're a hard headed guy and I will give you all the credit in the world you still keep coming back. Your at least willing to keep hearing advice.


Why isnt she asking for it? (Im guessing shes still thinking about her decision, otherwise she wouldve called for her stuff the very next day)

Maybe she doesn't value her stuff as much as you think she does. Maybe she's using it as bait to sucker you in later. Her stuff is not exactly a high priority right now and if your stuff is nut up and call her and tell her that you want it back and set up a meeting time. Your emotional stability is what's most important and despite the fact you claim that we keep saying the same thing over and over you aren't taking it in at all.

We've all been where you at. Not one of us had a “coach” to guide us through like you've gotten from all of us. We all learned the hard way. You can too or you can accept what were saying and start applying it.


I need that call, to let her know im doing great without her,

That fact that you NEED that call speaks to exactly what we are all trying to communicate with you. She doesn't need any guy that needs her. She needs a man and your not even acting like a boy, your acting like a baby.


Either way, i need closure.

This isn't high school anymore. This isn't a movie. Your fantasy land feelings don't translate into real life. Closure is something you give yourself. It is not something she can give you.


I cannot hang on to false hopes.

She broke up with you and now she's ignoring you. What false hopes could you be speaking about?



As for advice, can anyone tell me why she isnt calling?

Why does she have to? Sometimes people need space and after getting rid of your clinginess she needs a break and the time to refocus. You do too and the posters here have offered you a wealth of advice if you'd actually stop and really apply it instead of disregarding it as though you know what were saying and “it's all the same blah, blah, blah.”


And what should i do at this point, contact or no contact? If i want to maximize my chances of getting her back, what should i do?

You should no contact. This is a great example of what I'm talking about. You've had 5 pages of advice on this thread and you've got another thread out there with more advice and more than one person has told you to put no contact in place. You hearing it but your not listening to it. You want the magic formula like the movies offer. Well that doesn't work here. The best you've got is to disappear and make her miss you. In fact that's all you've got.


dont suggest me to leave, and work on myself, blah blah, i have heard that a billion times and i understand it from that perspective. Now i need advice on a "positive perspective".
So you've heard it a billion times? How many times have you applied it?

Just reading that above quote speaks volumes to me about how far gone you are. I know you can't see it but the rest of can. Someday in the very far off future if you reread this you will too.

Ill try keeping this short so its easy to understand:

My girlfriend and i have been together for 2-3 yrs. We are both 19 yrs old. Everything was nothing short of perfect until the last couple of months. During the "perfect" period, we had healthy relationship problems, arguements, and we would always work things out.

But lately, she had wanted to leave. I have counted a LOT of times where i had to literally beg on my knees for her to stay. And everytime i would better myself and fix the problem. I would give her everything she wanted... gifts, flowers, cards and letters, patience, devotion, my love and commitment. It wasnt enough... she would then want to keep leaving, until finally she did. I was devasted because i had given EVERYTHING i had...i tried my best to make it work and make it happy even when i was dying inside. I would cry myself to sleep and wake up the next morning to ask for more. I love her, and she says she loves me all the time, she also says there is no one else (i am 100% sure about this).

We had planned our future together(i know were younge but still...), the kind cars, houses, kids and all that. It just kills me to look back at all the letters and pictures we had together.

I have given her "space" before, and it worked, but this time it feels like she can actually leave me for good. She had wanted to leave for a long time, the only reason why she didnt, is because i promised to be better and really REALLY begged for her to stay.

As for myself, i think im too jealous and insecure, i would always call her and stay by her side literally everyday. I think i smothered her too much to the point where shes just sick of me.

Why would she want to leave?:( What can i do to get her back? Is there even a chance?

She left me coz she said she wasnt happy to be with me, she said i made her sad, she says she didnt want "me" anymore, but i know deep in my heart that she loves me.

Help :(
its eating me alive....
I'll help you! What you need to do is leave her alone for a while your being to clingy and if you really love this girl then give her some space and ask her what she wants to do that day? I think if you did get back together you should maybe have days out with friend on your own and make there something to look forward to by seeing each other and also you both will have something other than what you can have to eat for tea! Then she will have her space and you will have time to think what you can do in how ever days time! Hope a bit of advise will help.

You've received many opinions so far. But I doubt any of us can tell you what to do. Here's my experience.. Together for almost 2 years. I love him more than you can imagine. He does love me too. But I have tried to leave at least 4 times (unusual for me), because I was too fed up with the way he treated me very often, and every time I tried to leave it tears me apart. I am happy that we are still together, but no one knows for how long. So why don't you two just meet and talk. Just ask her if she loves you or not. If yes, tell her you love her and from this point its all in her hands. If no, then no point in wasting your time. Just say okay, wish her luck and a nice life and go home... Both cases it will be all up to her. Good luck!

Chuff has said it best on here I would say and you must re-read everything on this thread. I don't believe you are really listening. I don't mean that in a nasty way but you really are not accepting much here. You say you understand but then contradict yourself and come back to the issue of getting her back. I know how you are feeling as I have been there and it does hurt, but you must try and make positive actions. Most of what you are doing is largely negative. You say you want positive advice and I believe you have received that. You are perceiving positive as something drawn from what you want to happen (getting her back). The reality is that she is gone and most probably will not be coming back. It will take time to understand but you will get this in time. You will still get your moments even 6 months down the line but you will get through this, I promise.

Yeah.. I'm in a huge state of denial. Good news though, I am starting to feel better, however, remember that the thread started with "I want her back. but how?" IF I wanted to get over her, or make my life better, or work on myself, then I wouldve changed the name of the thread.

Not to hate on the advice you guys gave me, believe me, I have taken it all in and it has helped a lot, and I can't even begin to thank you guys. Over time I will understand, but for now... I'm trying the best I can do to get her back. Im not expecting it, in fact I'm preparing for the worst, but hey, what's wrong with trying one last time. I got nothing to lose, I've already lost everything.

By the way. 1 week of no contact... haha I didn't think I could do it...

Peaaaaaace.

I'd forget about for now. Work on yourself. Grow up. Become a man.

By telling you to leave we're giving you the only advice that could possibly work in bringing her back... Running to her will just drive her away. Seriously!!

The nice bonus about what we're telling you is that you'll come to realize that you didn't really need her to be happy, anyway... Likely, she has all ready realized the same thing about you.

Yeah.. im in a huge state of denial. Good news though, i am starting to feel better, however, remember that the thread started with "I want her back. but how?" IF i wanted to get over her, or make my life better, or work on myself, then i wouldve changed the name of the thread.

Not to hate on the advice you guys gave me, believe me, i have taken it all in and it has helped a lot, and i can't even begin to thank you guys. Over time i will understand, but for now... im trying the best i can do to get her back. Im not expecting it, in fact im preparing for the worst, but hey, whats wrong with trying one last time. I got nothing to lose, ive already lost everything.

btw. 1 week of no contact.... haha i didnt think i could do it...

peaaaaaace.

I don't think anyone has misinterpreted the nature of your thread and why you gave it the title you did. Clearly you want to get her back and are reaching out for any advice you can get on doing this. Truthfully, if this really is what you want, then leaving her alone is the only possible way that she will come back. Working on yourself and making your life better is in fact the way you should go. Even this may not bring her back but at least it will make you healthy for your next relationship. Perhaps you are hearing everyone and you have explained that you understand so I acknowledge this. After all, it has been only 1 week since no contact for you so I can't say you are not doing well because it is still early days. Just keep with the No Contact and get busy doing things to keep your mind of her. In the first 2 months after my breakup, I thought about my ex nearly all day and it was tiring and really pointless to my progress. I still think of her now but not every minute of the day, just passing thoughts throughout the day. The best thing to do is to occupy yourself, exercise, go for a walk, watch a film, visit a friend, take up a hobby or just work hard. It is tough and I do understand what you are going through which is why I don't want to sound too harsh because I know what point your are at and all this seems hard to take in right now. You are doing a good thing by seeking out help here and I recommend you keep venting as much as you like even if it goes against the advice you get here because in the end, it does help. It helped me and it will help you too.

As Geoff has said this is an excellent place to vent and get the support you need. Hang in there we all know how long and hard your path is.

Hi Cat,

I my situation also similar to imissher,My girlfriend and I have been together for 2-3 yrs. My age 22 and she is 24yrs old. Everything perfect until the last couple of months. During the "perfect" period, we had healthy relationship

During a long vication my girl friend back to home for a week , while she back she wants to leave me, the reason she said she has been fed up with me and she wants to have rest, from that time we started living apart, but we were in keep in touch one day she said she wants to break up ,and she said she may be will back or not,I am dying I want her to be back we live in a same building, some time she called me and ask me about how is my life gong so far, she asked me if I can be her friend and she may be back have only 80% chance for her to back please advise how can I get her back?

Thanking u





Less of you is MORE!!!! A lot of guys just don't get that.

She's not going to forget about you. SHE WILL forget you for good if you're always there like a sick puppy - YUCK!!!! Not attractive.

WHY do you think most women (and they wont admit this) are attracted to the bad boy - jerk - he's what we call a CHALLENGE!!!! He ISN'T there 24/7 checking up on her.....needing to be wih her.

The down side is the jerk/bad boy is really, really, really unhealthy for women for many, many, many reasons.

The goal is to be a good guy.....ever hear women like the tall/silent type? NOT the needy, clingy, jealous.

Guys - one tip - she should call you just as much - if not more. if you're calling, e-mailing, texting 3 times a day....well then you have a problem.

Be busy wait it out......do you want to be her just now or in 6 months?

Give women their space - for the love of god!!!!!!!!! Make her miss you and think about you.

No one wants some lame insecure dude - always checking up on you - and if your a little mysterious - she'll love you for it.

She's gone. You only get one life, your what 19 years old? Iam 21 just turned yesterday, common were young - enjoy life :P Its one person, hundreds more to come yet. I ve had relatives who have died, it hurts still even years after, but I moved on and I think of all the good times. There is no time for regrets in this life, it goes to quick.

Join the gym - it is the best feeling in the world after a run or workout. I never stopped my hobbies during my time with my GF and ill tell you what, sports etc get me through the day so much easier!!

WOW with all these answers iwill just add this.. If something is meant to be it will happen... I wish you well and hope you move on and find happiness in the future.

Hey,

Its been a while since I posted my miserable situation, and now I find myself here again asking for an opinion.Oh, by the way... SPECIAL, SPECIAL thanks goes to foreverzero, I swear I would've died without your help. Anyway, here's last months post of my sad situation.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/long-term-girlfriend-wants-leave-she-did-want-her-back-but-how-63990.html

So, after getting dumped over a month ago I decided to go no contact. I decided to go no contact since begging, pleading and crying obviously didn't work anymore. The first day, I felt like someone just shot me and time froze for hours at a time. Didn't feel like eating, thinking, let alone just standing up. Ill be honest, and say that time really made it better.

So two weeks passed, and I decided to contact her. We talked, although she seemed really pissed off at the time. Ignored me for the most part when we went out. I attempted to show her I changed, but I reverted back to "clingy boy" and stupidly asked for her back. She rejected me again, and I was back to stage 1. Feeling extremely pissed off, I packed all her stuff, went to her house the next day, and told her never to call, text, email, or even think about me. I told her that she was dead to me, as I left pissed off.

I thought it was over, but less than half an hour later, I get several missed calls and text msg's asking me to call her. We talked for the next couple of days, she apologized but stayed firm on her decision. She then changed from "we don't have a chance" to "we have a chance". I told her that I couldn't wait for her forever.

So lately, she's been really nice to me. She's been calling every couple of days. She tells me all the time that she misses me, and wants to be with me. But she also tells me, that she just wants to be friends first and that she wants to take it "slow". She says that the only reason she can't get back together right now, is because she doesn't feel like she has feelings for me and that she's not sure if she likes me. It's hard because she always says "if we get back together we'd do this, we'd do that, blah blah". We also have so much fun when we go out. She admitted that her life has been miserable without me, and that she's jealous that I'm out there enjoying my life and seeing other girls. She also said that she probably won't find anyone better, and that she misses everything we did.

For a while I thought she was just using me as a security blanket or plan B, but I ruled that out. That's because she keeps encouring me to go see other girls, and since the break up, she rarely even goes out. She' stayed at home, and didn't even talk to friends. Guys have been hitting on her but she turned them all down. She's been avoiding guys from coming close to her since our break up.

I try not to show her that she has control over my heart. I act neutral for the most part. I still make her laugh, flirt with her, and all that. I never bring up and relationship, and for the most part, I try to make myself unavailable, by not picking up every call, and not replying to every text. This helped because, she feels less pressure, and is comfortable to talk to me.

Last night, she almost got back with me. Surprisingly enough, I told her to take her time. She agreed and said that we should take it slow, be friends first before we rush into getting back together. She says that she's just too confused right now. The only thing preventing us from getting back together is the fact that she doesn't know if she still has feelings for me.

So now what? My friends are telling me to keep doing what I'm doing, and she'll eventually come around. Should I play hard to get, since she's interested? I won't take her back unless she's changed, and unless she WANTS to make it work.

If I act like I don't care, play hard to get, show her I changed, be confident and all that... will she come around? If this does work, does anyone have any advice on "winning" her heart back? What should I do at this point, to maximize my chances of getting her back :(.

Thanks for reading. Peace out guys.

Concentrate on your own life right now, without her. If you want her back then you need to move on and be happy in yourself.

1) Get a new life direction
2) Start new hobbies
3) meet new people
4) Do play hard to get
5) Be a challenge
6) You be the prize
7) Date other women
8) Be fun :P
9) YOU do not need anyone else to be happy - its merely desire!!
10) Don't be so available ever!

Your flogging a dead horse.

She wants to keep you close so if her other options fail she always has you there.

I wouldn't be bothering with her back and forth antics. Its child's play and in my opinion you are only setting yourself up for more hurt.

Believe it or not, I followed that list and that's how I almost got her back :).

Could you elaborate on how I can "be the prize" or how to "play hard to get", or how to be a challenge. What should I do when we talk/see each other.

Anyone?

Your flogging a dead horse.

She wants to keep you close so if her other options fail she always has you there.

I wouldnt be bothering with her back and forth antics. Its child's play and in my opinion you are only setting yourself up for more hurt.

As of now, she admitted that she doesn't have any other options, and neither does she have interest in other options. She doesn't want to keep me close either. She wants me to go out with other girls, etc.

She said she needs time to figure stuff out, and admits that she does want to be with me. Obviously, if this goes on for too long, then I won't take it. But I feel like she deserves some time to think about what she really wants.

Give her time then :P and the mean time you become ONE HAPPY GUY :) love life and be that cool person everyone loves

She wants to be with you but she wants space and needs time to figure things out. She wants to be with you but she wants you to go out with other girls.

Is anyone else confused. I am. It appears she is and I think you are to imissher.

If she doesn't want to keep you close then why si she calling you all the time after she dumped you? I think your desperation to have her back is blinding you.

She wants to be with you but she wants space and needs time to figure things out. She wants to be with you but she wants you to go out with other girls.

Is anyone else confused. I am. It appears she is and i think you are to imissher.

If she doesnt want to keep you close then why si she calling you all the time after she dumped you? I think your desperation to have her back is blinding you.

She doesn't want to be pressured to come back with me. And she doesn't want to rush into the relationship just yet. Hopefully, I'm not blinded. The way I see it, she just needs time to think about it cause I never gave her the space she deserved when we were together.

Thnks for the replies :)

Well its time to give her space then. There are many years left of life yet to meet up again - unless we get run over by a bus :) hehe

You have a life don't you ! So you concentrate on that, not your past.

I might be wrong but I think she is more clever than you think. She knows you are still interested deep down and she knows what game you are playing... Its not rocket science.

In fact, you are playing her game more than likely and she wants you as plan B and I think you could be setting yourself up for more pain here.

I think she already senses she has you but she is not letting you know that she knows that and when things go quiet, i.e. you ignore her, she lights the fire again by calling and texting constantly to attract your attention, to relight the flame (so to speak). By responding to what she asked for, i.e.telling her "we should take our time, be friends" you are acknowledging what she originally asked for which is good in a way, but it also lets her know that you are playing along with this so that you can get her back which is not what she wants. She wants to be just friends and keep you close probably as a security blanket. Everything seems to be on her terms and although it might not seem like it, she has control over this situation more than you think.

That said, I am no psychologist and I am no fortune teller either, it is just my honest opinion.

I might be wrong and I hope that things work out good for you. Just make sure you do things for the right reasons.

I was thinking about this scenario.. I think now, if it happened to me, I don't think I could take my ex back. I mean I would feel too angry and full of resent. I think there would be a lack of trust, and it wouldn't work out anyway. I suppose people are different. Sometimes though, it seems to be unhealthy to go back into the past.

<<Everything seems to be on her terms and although it might not seem like it, she has control over this situation more than you think.
>>

Totally agree with GEOFF BUT Couldn't SPREAD THE REP!
U need to get into uncertainty yourself.
In fact tell her you are not sure anymore that she is the girl for you and you are going to keep your options open

She is now in control of the situation, and you are obeying everything she says. That is NOT what a woman wants!!

Get your power back and tell her NO.

Geoff is spot on the money in his post. Dead right. Sorry Geoff but I had to spread it.

She is playing games and controlling him. She knows what she is doing. It isn't about pressure or anything else she says. It is all about control and at the moment she has it all over you.

Sorry to be blunt but it is just screaming out in your posts.

Did I blink and miss something here. When did you do no contact and still talking to her, from where I sit she is no closer to you than when you broke up. Your friends are feeding you a lot of crap and sorry, so is your ex. Break this stuff up and do some real NO CONTACT and be unavailable for real and let your emotions die down so you can see clearly what's really going on. As others are trying to tell you she is still telling you what to do AND making you think your in control. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Fact-You pack her stuff up and tell her leave you alone
Fact- Didn't work cause you relented and gave her back her control.

Leave her alone and do the no contact the right way and stop talking to her and watch and see her for what she is. Get healthy and stop BS'ing yourself. Reread this post and don't you sound crazy?

I see progress in the time that passes. Doing no contact is the course of action that I will take if this low contact approach doesn't work. Yes, there's some GREAT points there about me losing control and I'm going to try to change that.

Ive been trying to slowly shift control to my side by being unavailable, not being needy, not returning all her calls, not replying to every text, and when we do go out, its under my terms.

How else could I possibly gain control? More importantly, how do I win her over during this no contact phase.

Tal, I understand that no-contact is the way to go. But that's my last resort if I get fed up with doing this low-contact BS. It seems like she's coming along, so taking my chances with low contact is worth it.

What do I do now so that she forgets the obsessive/needy person, and realize a different more confident person. How do I make myself the "prize" and how do I make this a challenge for her? How will I get her to have feelings for me again?

Ideas?

Keep us updated and Good Luck!

Sounds to me like you're on the road to recovery and things are golden. I'd say stay the course. It's very easy to confuse numb feelings for no feelings. After a person does severe emotional damage to us, we have the tendency to try and ignore our feelings towards them and focus on what made us do that. More likely than not, she still has feelings for you, but doesn't know what kind, and it's your job to show her. She needs to see the part of you that she fell in love with in the first place, and, to top it all off, she's letting you do that. Sounds like she'll be coming around in a month or so.

I would also contend that, while in reality, you're not in the seat of power, she doesn't know that. Its very easy to look at a situation and say that you've got no power because of X Y and Z that you let her do to your emotions, but in reality, they usually don't know what they're doing, and what you feel and what you think only matters to you. It's what you say and do that matters to other people, and if what you say and what you do leads them to believe the opposite, then you're playing your game correctly. I'd say don't jump the gun, and just pick up her calls when she calls, try to limit your initiation of contact, and let her do the work. The fact that she's calling you is a good sign, and so is the fact that she's let you in to her life enough to make her happy.

The hard part for now will be not jumping the gun, but it sounds like you've got your stuff under control. So best of luck, you know where to find me.

you're doing everything right babe, keep it up and she'll be yours to keep, in no time =) goood luck

Hey,

Well, what else I can I say. After two months of anguish, pain and sorrow, my ex came back and decided that she wants to give us another chance. Everything I've worked hard for in the last two months has finally paid off.

Here's my original post: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/long-term-girlfriend-wants-leave-she-did-want-her-back-but-how-63990.html

Anyway, most of you are probably eager to know how I "won" her back. Here's my little success story, and guidance for those who need it:

1. We were together for about 3 yrs. We had our arguments but we worked through them. Over time, I turned into a wussy, clingy, needy boyfriend. She'd try to leave almost every two weeks, and each time I would beg, plead, cry, until finally she left me.

2. Yes it hurt like crazy. I swear to god when we broke up, I thought I died. Emotional pain started to turn into physical pain and it was the worst feeling in the world. I decided to go no contact. I ended up doing no contact for two weeks. During those two weeks, I tried to do everything (basketball, music, chill with friends.. etc.) but nothing worked.

3. After two weeks, I decided to talk to her. She seemed really angry and upset that I was there. REALLY ANGRY. So we talked, and talked some more. It was an emotional rollercoaster. Over time, we went out and ate lunches/dinners, watched movies, talked on the phone. I let her initiate all the contact. I noticed that when I called her, she was irritated and mad.

4. So in the next five weeks, I noticed progress. I started being more unavailable, being happy when she sees me, I let her know that I was OK with the break up. Thus, she felt really comfortable to talk to me. She changed her mind from "no chance" to "we have a chance". In the last week, she told her co-workers that we might get back together and admitted that she wants to make it work.

5. Although there was progress... it was extremely difficult. It seemed like she was using me just to talk and go out with. I would come home hurt every time cause she didn't get back together with me. It felt like I was a plan B, or a security blanket for her, and it seemed like she just wanted to be friends. I got fed up, and told her that I didn't want her anymore. I went to her house and told her never to call me again, never to talk to me again, don't text me, I want you out of my life, and I told her to respect my decision.

6. And it brings me here. After leaving her and letting go(which is so unbelievably difficult), she surprisingly ends up at my front door willing to give us another try.

So... what have I learned? And what should YOU do to better your chances?

Here's my tips:

1. Try to go no contact after the break up as much as you can. If you think they have some sort of feelings for you, contact at least after 2 weeks. If you can go longer, then do it! The more time apart, the better.

2. Do not call, beg, plead and cry. It will prove to her how right she was about you, and it will push her away. Every time you have urges to call, ask yourself if your emotional impulses are worth losing the girl/boy you want, basically think with your head. There's a reason for why your head is above your heart.

3. When you re-initiate contact, make sure you've changed. Let her see the "new" you and don't look depressed around her, be happy and be OK with the break up.

4. BE PATIENT. Don't ever apply pressure. Pressure will make them run. Let them initiate contact, and let them ask you out. Be unavailable, be busy, and let them know that you are OK without them.

5. Be confident and able to stand on your own two feet. You don't need a girl/boy to make you happy. Whenever you see her, show her you're perfectly fine, that you're OK, its far more attractive.

Well, those are my two cents. I hope it helps. My prayers are with you guys and I really hope you get your ex's back or at least help you to move on. Thanks to everyone on this board, you have no idea how much I appreciated your help.

God Bless. Hopefully I won't be back here asking for a third chance:).

Way to go!

Good for you! Stay around and let us know how things go.

Woo go you :) Hope it works out!! Don't forget to have your own life and COMMUNICATION! No clingyness. Wish mine would come back.

Haha, yeah it feels good to get her back. But it isn't as great as I thought it would feel. There's still something's we got to talk about, the issues we have to resolve. I just hope I don't come off too clingy or needy when we go over what we need to do to make this second chance work...

Wish me luck.

haha, yeah it feels good to get her back. But it isn't as great as i thought it would feel. There's still somethings we gotta talk about, the issues we have to resolve. I just hope i dont come off too clingy or needy when we go over what we need to do to make this second chance work...

Wish me luck.


Make sure you get everything on the table and talk about everything. NO lies or you will be back on this site in the future doing it all over again?
Good luck to you.

It is nice to hear a success story. Good for you!

Hey,

Well, what else i can i say. After two months of anguish, pain and sorrow, my ex came back and decided that she wants to give us another chance. Everything i've worked hard for in the last two months has finally payed off.

Heres my original post: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/long-term-girlfriend-wants-leave-she-did-want-her-back-but-how-63990.html

Anyways, most of you are probably eager to know how i "won" her back. Here's my little success story, and guidance for those who need it:

1. We were together for about 3 yrs. We had our arguements but we worked through them. Over time, i turned into a wussy, clingy, needy boyfriend. She'd try to leave almost every two weeks, and each time i would beg, plead, cry, until finally she left me.

2. Yes it hurt like crazy. I swear to god when we broke up, i thought i died. Emotional pain started to turn into physical pain and it was the worst feeling in the world. I decided to go no contact. I ended up doing no contact for two weeks. During those two weeks, i tried to do everything (basketball, music, chill with friends.. etc.) but nothing worked.

3. After two weeks, i decided to talk to her. She seemed really angry and upset that i was there. REALLY ANGRY. So we talked, and talked some more. It was an emotional rollercoaster. Over time, we went out and ate lunches/dinners, watched movies, talked on the phone. I let her initiate all the contact. I noticed that when i called her, she was irritated and mad.

4. So in the next five weeks, i noticed progress. I started being more unavailable, being happy when she sees me, i let her know that i was ok with the break up. Thus, she felt really comfortable to talk to me. She changed her mind from "no chance" to "we have a chance". In the last week, she told her co-workers that we might get back together and admitted that she wants to make it work.

5. Although there was progress... it was extremely difficult. It seemed like she was using me just to talk and go out with. I would come home hurt everytime cause she didnt get back together with me. It felt like i was a plan B, or a security blanket for her, and it seemed like she just wanted to be friends. I got fed up, and told her that i didnt want her anymore. I went to her house and told her never to call me again, never to talk to me again, dont text me, i want you out of my life, and i told her to respect my decision.

6. And it brings me here. After leaving her and letting go(which is so unbelievably difficult), she surprisingly ends up at my front door willing to give us another try.

So... what have I learned? And what should YOU do to better your chances?

Here's my tips:

1. Try to go no contact after the break up as much as you can. If you think they have some sort of feelings for you, contact at least after 2 weeks. If you can go longer, then do it! The more time apart, the better.

2. Do not call, beg, plead and cry. It will prove to her how right she was about you, and it will push her away. Everytime you have urges to call, ask yourself if your emotional impulses are worth losing the girl/boy you want, basically think with your head. There's a reason for why your head is above your heart.

3. When you re-initiate contact, make sure you've changed. Let her see the "new" you and don't look depressed around her, be happy and be ok with the break up.

4. BE PATIENT. Don't ever apply pressure. Pressure will make them run. Let them initiate contact, and let them ask you out. Be unavailable, be busy, and let them know that you are ok without them.

5. Be confident and able to stand on your own two feet. You don't need a girl/boy to make you happy. Whenever you see her, show her you're perfectly fine, that you're ok, its far more attractive.

Well, those are my two cents. I hope it helps. My prayers are with you guys and i really hope you get your ex's back or at least help you to move on. Thanks to everyone on this board, you have no idea how much i appreciated your help.

God Bless. Hopefully i wont be back here asking for a third chance:).
I am going through what you did, I am going to try your advice!
Cheers mate!

What'd I tell you?

Hakuna Matata MOFO!!


Grats dude

Zero lol, I don't even how to say thank you!!

I have to admit though. Winning her back feels good, but not as great as I thought it'd be. I guess when you actually get what you want, your standing there and saying... "lol what now.."

Regardless, I really love this girl and I want to make it work.

Good luck guys.

I kind of agree with you there. 'What now?' I know if it ever worked again between me and my ex, well it would be different. She was not a good girlfriend - at all! Well anyway good luck to you, work out the problems with good communication and take it slow. Get to know each other better before you rush into anything!

Don't mean to put a dampener on things but I hope you understand that now comes and even bigger test than what you have been through these past few weeks. And that is making it work.

It failed last time for obvious reasons so why won't it fail again? Have you changed your ways? Has she changed? Will you fall back into your old habits once you get comfortable again? Will she get the urge to leave you again now she has you back??

All these things are unanswered questions but you have to use what you have learnt during your break up to make sure it works this time. And even then it is no guarantee.

And I don't like how you use the word "WIN". You really shouldn't have to win someone back. That's not how it should be in my opinion. It isn't a prize you pick up at the local fair. IT is a partner in life and someone you share intimate things with. Winning her isn't an option in my opinion. It is somehting you should EARN!! Earn her love and respect. Not win it with some conceived plan of action, or games. Not saying this is the case with you, but just something to think about.

Don't get me wrong. I am happy for you and really hope that it works out. Success stories here a rare and it is great when we see them. I just hope that some of what I have said helps you ensure that this remains a success story and not just another episode in a drawn out drama!

So good luck and please keep us up to date on how things are going!!

"Winning" someone back is just a phrase. If I felt like it, I would've used "getting" her back. I didn't mean for it to be a game or anything, its just a saying.

Tough times are ahead, I have learned and we both have changed.

From what I've heard, its better the second time around. :)

Fair enough. Good luck and I hope what you have heard is true!

It's so good to hear all this... Wish you luck and happiness always

Good for you and good luck.
This was my favorite part:

Be confident and able to stand on your own two feet. You don't need a girl/boy to make you happy.

imissher, and everyone who has responded to his question, I got a little story to tell you...

My HS sweetheart and I were inseparable our senior year. We were best friends since 7th grade and we fell madly in love the summer before our senior year. She was a captain of the cheerleading squad, I was a captain of the football team. Our HS colors were red and blue and our mascot were the Tigers.

I'm just painting a picture of how movie-esque and perfect this relationship was. We were set up for something great. I went off to college and we stayed together for almost 4 years. I am a junior now in college and she ended it with me in February. I begged, I cried, I pleaded for her to stay. She would stay... for a week, and then the same lines would come up "I'm not happy with you" I don't want to be with you"...my heart was shattered. However everytime I would say " it, I'm moving on" she would call me or text me saying she doesn't want us to end for good. And I fell for it. We went on like that from February until now.

She ended it with me for good this week. I have been severely depressed and have had anxiety attacks with finals coming up and my failed relationship. I listened to every sad song you could think of and all of them related to my situation. I read Chicken Soup for the Soul. I opened my Bible, I found no answers. I'm not that close with my family on issues like this and couldn't turn to my roommates. You see, the person I usually turned to when I had a problem like this was...her!

I turned to the internet. I typed in "My long-term girl friend left me and I want to kill myself" and this link popped up. I registered and read every post on here. TODAY! Each post helped a little more and more. But the clincher was the one that said "you have no identity outside of her" and he was right.

I had become half of a couple instead of my own person! Like a load of my shoulders! I got chills down my spine and realized what I had become! I sold myself out. I was sacrificing myself for her. I know relationships take sacrifice, but no one...NO ONE should get down on their hands and knees and beg (I'm guilty of it).

Anyway, ironically my ex called me minutes after my revelation. I told her everything. About how I was depressed but I am liberated now. I told her I got over her in the instant I read these posts! This all happened about 2 hours ago. I swear to you do you know how fast the balance of power shifted in our relationship??? She JUST texted me..."I think I am sad without you" and when I talked to her on the phone I could here her voice crack, fighting back tears. She has been cold and heartless to me for the last two months. This is the first sign of her wanting me in two months. I'm going to play it by ear and play hard to get.

imissher, listen to these guys! In a matter of hours my relationship is looking up! And I don't feel like I'm half of a couple anymore! I feel independent. Wildcat, the other guy that I posted a response to, and all the rest... Thank you... you have opened my eyes. Thank You...

But the clincher was the one that said "you have no identity outside of her" and he was right.


the other guy that I posted a response to, and all the rest...Thank you...you have opened my eyes. Thank You...

:D That's my quote and I'm the other guy. Just thought I'd point that out. :D

MPort, start a thread and maybe we can help you out. It looks like you girlfriend has already dropped her attitude and we haven't even offered you any direct advice. To me that's a confirmation of just how good the advice is on this board.

I had become half of a couple instead of my own person! Like a load of my shoulders! I got chills down my spine and realized what I had become! I sold myself out. I was sacrificing myself for her. I know relationships take sacrifice, but no one...NO ONE should get down on their hands and knees and beg (I'm guilty of it).

Anyway, ironically my ex called me minutes after my revelation. I told her everything. About how I was depressed but I am liberated now. I told her I got over her in the instant I read these posts! This all happened about 2 hours ago. I swear to you do you know how fast the balance of power shifted in our relationship??? She JUST texted me..."I think I am sad without you" and when I talked to her on teh phone I could here her voice crack, fighting back tears. She has been cold and heartless to me for the last two months. This is the first sign of her wanting me in two months. I'm gunna play it by ear and play hard to get.



Wow, this is encouraging! I admit, I am in a phase where I hope my ex girlfriend decides to come back, but honestly, I do not know that I could take her back. I am angry and hurt by her. We were in a relationship for 8 years and she has been pulling away for some time. We have been in no contact for 8 weeks as of today. I think me wanting her to come back is just me wanting to regain the power in a situation where I feel powerless. I want to be redeemed for the rejection that I have received from her. Does that make sense?

No contact is hard indeed. I can only wonder if she is even missing me. Like the original poster for this thread, I wonder if it means anything at she has left very important stuff of hers at my place. Why initiate no contact and not take care of this up front? She did finally contact me (text message - too chicken to call me) about two weeks ago about the stuff wanting to pick it up around dinner time on Easter Sunday!? With a day's notice! Of course, I said that would not be a good time and tried to arrange a different time. She has left it open ended as she is busy right now - talk about dragging this out! Is she messing with me or what?

GOD I HATE EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS FORUM

Sorry they told me the same thing when my girlfriend wanted a break

OK here's the deal yea give her space but be there for her but don't give yourself to her cause then she'll (not purposely) use you but make her want what you had together yea don't be moopy I was like that in the beginning of my break... not good... just show her that she made a mistake and my experience it worked out and if you really love her and if you can find that spot in the back of her mind that still loves that just has been a little "numb" make her remember it by being yourself and that person who she loved... remember the special things she liked and give it to her like example: my girlfriend loved to have coffee every morning and I used to bring it for her sometimes just to make her happy... when we were on our break I used bring coffee to class in the morning(we have it together) and maybe just look like its for me... she'd talk to me still just friendly and she might just stare at the coffee and id give it her and smile just let her know your still there and you love her and you have enough love for her, and forever

GOD I HATE EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS FORUM

sorry they told me the same thing when my girlfriend wanted a break

ok heres the deal yea give her space but be there for her but dont give yourself to her cause then she'll (not purposely) use you but make her want wat you had together yea dont be moopy i was like that in the beginning of my break .... not good.... just show her that she made a mistake and my experience it worked out and if you really love her and if you can find that spot in the back of her mind that still loves that just has been alittle "numb" make her remember it by being yourself and taht person who she loved.... remember the special things she liked and give it to her like example: my girlfriend loved to have coffee every morning and i used to bring it for her sometimes just to make her happy..... when we were on our break i used bring coffee to class in the morning(we have it together) and maybe just look like its for me.... she'd talk to me still just friendly and she might just stare at the coffee and id give it her and smile just let her know your still there and you love her and you have enough love for her, and forever

Speechless.

Hey MPort,

First off, I hope everything works with u. But yeah, if you check my latest post, my ex did come back after a month or so. I gave everything to this girl, I played hard to get, I showed her I was happy, and I showed her that I was OK. But after we got back together, I was just as unhappy as I was before. Nothing changed, she didn't change, the dynamic changed between us and it was extremely painful to watch the relationship fall again as you anticipate another heart-breaking third break up.

After two weeks of getting back together, we broke up. And for the first time in my life, I was OK with it. It didn't hurt, I wasn't depressed, and it actually felt good. I guess all I wanted was a second chance to get rid of the "what if's". I am completely done with her games, I'm over her for good, nothing changed, she's a different person now, and in all fairness, we both deserve better, and we both deserve to be happy.

I have a better chance of single-handedly bringing peace to the middle east than making this relationship work. Fool me once, shame on her, fool me twice, shame on me. Trying to make it work a third time is just stupidity.

Life's good, and it's actually better without her. And my new girlfriend is helping a lot.. LOL. Anyway peace out guys. Good luck with everything.

Hey MPort,

First off, i hope everything works with u. But yeah, if you check my latest post, my ex did come back after a month or so. I gave everything to this girl, i played hard to get, i showed her i was happy, and i showed her that i was ok. But after we got back together, i was just as unhappy as i was before. Nothing changed, she didnt change, the dynamic changed between us and it was extremely painful to watch the relationship fall again as you anticipate another heart-breaking third break up.

After two weeks of getting back together, we broke up. And for the first time in my life, i was ok with it. It didnt hurt, i wasn't depressed, and it actually felt good. I guess all i wanted was a second chance to get rid of the "what if's". I am completely done with her games, im over her for good, nothing changed, shes a different person know, and in all fairness, we both deserve better, and we both deserve to be happy.

I have a better chance of single-handedly bringing peace to the middle east than making this relationship work. Fool me once, shame on her, fool me twice, shame on me. Trying to make it work a third time is just stupidity.

Life's good, and it's actually better without her. And my new girlfriend is helping a lot.. LOL. Anyways peace out guys. good luck with everything.


You don't write and you never call. Check in and chat sometime dude, you got to keep me posted on these things.

I find it amazing. I have been reading a lot of posts on here. The people who leave the ex alone and give them the space seem to have a lot of luck getting back with their ex. Anyone else notice this pattern.

I find it amazing. I have been reading a lot of posts on here. The people who leave the ex alone and give them the space seem to have a lot of luck getting back with their ex. Anyone else notice this pattern.


It's a game dude, it's different for everybody. For example, I happen to have first hand knowledge that he nagged the hell out of her, and it brought her back. I left mine alone, then checked in at about the 2 month mark and she was eating out of my hand. It's different for everyone, ultimately you have to have faith in your knowledge of your partner.

I agree with that. I have made contact several times with my ex. She actually called me once, then we text messaged each other and talked. She won't talk on the phone about much, I think she is hesitant. I don't want to push it with that. I leave her alone, I haven't had contact with her in over a week other than sending her a few email jokes. She is planning on coming to get her stuff, so I will talk to her then I guess. I have been tweaking this game as well. Everything does work different for everyone.

I can tell that she misses me, it is just to get her to talk about it. Any recommendations about that, other than no contact. I think she needs something to get her to talk. The no contact can only do so much.

I think she came back, because of pity. No one deserves crumbs from anybody.

And LOL, my bad zero... didn't reply or post it here cause I'm too busy with this new girl :).

ok heres the deal yea give her space but be there for her but dont give yourself to her cause then she'll (not purposely) use you but make her want wat you had together

Have you ever stopped and thought about how impossibly hard it is to 'be there for her but not give yourself to her'. When you are totally in love with someone who sees you as a friend, its damn near impossible to NOT step over that line. I know from experience.

The other comment I have is in referense to MPort. I kind of curious as to how his post might have sounded if he had not heard from his ex right after reading the posts. The advice is good, I'm just skeptical because I know how that glint of false hope can put you at such an emotional high.

Whatever happens, good luck mport

I think she came back, because of pity. No one deserves crumbs from anybody.

and LOL, my bad zero... didn't reply or post it here cause im too busy with this new girl :).


Aim me biznatch

I find it amazing. I have been reading a lot of posts on here. The people who leave the ex alone and give them the space seem to have a lot of luck getting back with their ex. Anyone else notice this pattern.

I also notice that after getting them back, they break up again.

I also notice that after getting them back, they break up again.


Let's not be overtly cynical, there is a certain satisfaction derived from knowing things couldn't have worked out and things can't have happened any other way. It's the single biggest factor in the healing process.

It all depends on how dedicated people are about getting back together. Where were all the issues, and how you want to deal with them. If someone breaks it off, it isn't necessarily the end. It could be to give the other person a wake up call, a reality check. Most of the times it isn't the case, but one can never tell.

TAL... THE MAVERICKS LOST LOL... I duno I just had to say that because it was in you're tag. MAVS SUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK. GO RAPTORS.

TAL... THE MAVERICKS LOST LOL.... i duno i just had to say that because it was in you're tag. MAVS SUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK. GO RAPTORS.

Tal, first the Bears now the Mav's. I hope your not putting money on these games.

If you don't want her to know you need her, she's the wrong girl for you...

Post is over a year old :(

I wish they would update us on how things are going hehe

Regards

Must be going good, since he no longer needs our help

At the time this was posted, it's only been THREE days. Stop panicking, chill out.

You can't expect her to miss you after 3 days (honestly).

I would say make your short term NC goal 2 weeks, Medium goal 1 - 2 months and then long term as an indefinite period.

Here's the deal. Women don't want candies and flowers and gifts. Women want appreciation and respect, both for her, and for yourself. When you beg and plead and buy her all sorts of crap it's completely meaningless. The fact that you've kept her this long is a reflection on how sorry she feels for leaving you. Women don't really admit this often, but what they really want is a challenge. They don't want somebody that's gonna do whatever they say whenever, they want a bad boy. That doesn't mean bad character, that means that they want a guy that's gonna piss them off occasionally. When you present yourself as submissive, you're going to get walked over. Women don't want men they can walk on.

For the time being, you two are done, and you need to let her go. The more you call and beg and plead, the more you prove to her how right she was about you. It's time for you to head off into the world by yourself, and enjoy it. Women don't respond to weakness, they respond to strength, show yours and let her go.

I fully agree with these posts. At 19 you maybe rushing the obligations of adulthood such as children, house, etc. on her in order to hold her.

That may be too much for her at this age and she may want to see if someone else might be more interesting and (as said) a challenge for her.

They are right also in saying that women don't respect a man that needs them too much - they do respect and want a man that occasionally makes them wonder how secure they are with him.

You're rushing the heavy responsibilities of adulthood - that would scare off a lot of women.
Most want a house and babies but sometime in the future - if they get forced into too soon it will be a drag on them. You can't keep someone you love by saddling them with a lot of obligations.

Life as an adult can be rough regardless of who you are with, and you need to enjoy your younger years without thinking about all those responsibilities and she does too.

If you become truly independent of her and don't bring the subject of house, family up again - she might see you as a fun person - what most women of that age want to do.

MajorHar Page Title (http://american-crossroads-mall.com)

The time for you and her is over. If you want to really drive her away for good, keep doing what you're doing. If you want to salvage some sort of friendship in the future, it's time to remember that the time for YOU has reared its head. Lash some reins on that thing and get ready to work on yourself - it's gonna suck and at times it's going to feel like you've been going through the same old stupid garbage FOREVER, but trust me, things will pass.

Remember your hobbies. Do you have a talent, like skateboarding, drawing or writing? Time to indulge in these things. Go to the gym and hit that weight set, if that's what you need to do. Run, get in shape, play basketball (what a great game that is!). Get a little of that testosterone out of your system with some healthy competition. If you don't have a job, get one and fast!

At the end of the period of your coping, however long it may be, you're going to look back and realize two things. First, that it didn't last nearly as long as you thought it would. Second, that her dumping you may have been one of the best things to ever happen to you.

Let her go, man. Get rid of her cell number, delete her email address and AIM contacts, do whatever you need to do. NO TALKING TO HER! If she cares about you, sometime down the line you can still be friends - there's a lot of years yet to plow, my friend! She has to live for herself, right now, and so do you. Here's the hard truth - when she took you back, after the begging, it was only because she felt pity for you. There was very little affection at work there! In fact, she very likely felt put upon for being the anchor to your emotions. YOu've done some damage that only time and self-improvement will repair.

Get to it. I know you can do this. I know you'll come out of it a happier, stronger and generally improved human being. Good luck and enjoy your journey!

I fully agree. MajorHart

I remember this like it was 2 years ago... and the Mav and Bears were losers. Some things never change.