Need help.

Last October, we had my husband's (orphaned, 18 yr old) cousin move in. Her mom passed 8yrs ago, dad passed this year. Both parents were heroin addicts, and she had been living with her aunt. Cousin got into a huge fight, was hit by the aunt, who in turn threw her out. From day one, it was a struggle.

This June, I found out they were sleeping together. I don't know when it started, but I do think it ended in July. Husband (50) cheated in the past, with MY niece. (6 yrs ago) I need help, part of me does feel like I want to stay. We've been married 32 yrs. have been together 33 yrs. and have a 32 yr old son.

I know that I should leave, I don't know why I allow him to hurt me. Or, am I allowing the hurt to happen? Husband said he will never hurt me again, and promised to do everything to earn my love again.

I told him I don't love him. I have a divorce attorney. Husband was just put on staff with an excellent job. I need input.

Well first let me tell you I'm sorry to hear this, but lady you need to get out! He not only cheated on you, but he chose YOUR family member to start an affair with. How old was your niece? Now he is choosing HIS family to have sex with? This man has some deep routed issues. In my opinion if he is having incestuous affairs, how far is too far? Will he ever stop? Those are two extremes, and to me, it's not about him wanting to hurt you, he doesn't care if you get hurt, it's about him getting his jollies off with whom ever he can!

You basically have two choices. 1. Go to counseling, and work on things, always wonder in the back of your mind anytime there is family or friends around what he is up to or 2. Leave him and start a life about YOU. No one deserves to be hurt like that, and until you start realizing you deserve better, you won't get better.

Thank you for your unput. I know that I don't love him. It's so hard being with someone for so long, and all the history. I don't have $, and that is the main problem. I know I deserve better. I'm looking for a counselor. I'm so heartbroken- again. The truth is, I think he will do it again. That's my true feelings. He keeps begging me to prove that he loves me. But, I told him if you loved me these things would never happen.

You are right, he wouldn't have done that to you. When you say you don't have the money, do you mean you don't have enough money to move out on your own? Are you employed? What about staying with family or friends until you get your feet on the ground. You are only going to make yourself miserable by staying with a man you don't love. And how COULD you love someone who has hurt you so bad. Leaving is one of the hardest things to do. You get overwhelmed with regret, sorrow, confusion... But those are th enormal emotions you go through, and having a couselor on your side to help you work through them is really important. You mentioned that he just started a new well paying job, did you mention that as a reason to stay? Deep down if you know you can't trust him, then how could you be happy if you stayed?

Yes, I don't have $ to move on my own. Yes, I have a job, but no savings. We own a home together. Paying mortgage. I told husband to move out, he will not. My attorney said I will get everything, due to the situation. I don't want to burden my family. Husband said he'll go to counseling, and do whatever it takes to keep our marriage intact. I told him it's too late, what you have done is too discusting. Yet, we still live in the same house. I deserve to be happy, and you know he DID make me happy. It's just so hard.

How could you burden your family? You have an adult son! Does your son know anything about what has been going on? Would you expect your son to stay with a woman how treated him that way, "for the sake of the family"? I have parents who stayed together for the sake of the family. What a miserable life I had growing up because of that.

I think it's time you think about YOU. I know you were happy, but that was BEFORE the indiscretions.

Do you think you can forgive AND forget? Two totally different things, often confused as one in the same. Would you be happy if you went to counseling sessions? Can you move past the relationships with not only your family but his as well?

Hi franz,
I am sorry to say your husband will cheat again,it's in his makeup.Yes he has promised not to do it again and to make it up to you... until the next time.

I am sure that when he says "it won't happen again " he actually believes it... you must not.

He is a liar and a cheat, and has no respect for you or the many years that you have shared together.

Do not waste any more of your life with him, he is the past,if you want any future at all you have to move foreword.

Stay with family or friends who can give you moral support until this is sorted out legally.I know you both have a lot of history together, but you cannot survive in a loveless marriage on history,if you stay for the sake of history then you will have no future.

This will be a big step for you,maybe the first time in many years that you have to fend for yourself,I am sure that this does scare you a little.This is only natural,but once you have taken the first step out of this mans life, then you will see that you have a promising future with someone who will love and respect you, without the worry of cheating at the first opportunity.

You say you do not love this man,you also say you have a divorce attorney,therefore there is no point in seeking marriage guidance.

You have taken the first steps toward your future,stay strong and accept the support of the people that care and love you.

I wish you luck in all that you do.

Yes, my son actually lives in the home, is aware of all that has transpired. My son broke off his engagement, and moved back last year. He will be moving out in a few months. The cousin was also trying to have sex with my son too. And I must say, she actually hit on me too. No, I will never forgive, and forget- NEVER! So much has happend-it's too discusting. She's also pregnant, and was with 2 other guys -one bi-sexual. I heard a message she left husband in July, saying she was going to kill his baby. At first she said it was her steady bi-sexual boyfriend, then she said its husbands. I don't know what to think! I'm so scared of one day finding out I have a disease. I know I have to move on, it's just so hard to do. Husband was the ONLY man I've ever been with. Being afraid of the unknown is what terrifies me..


To Orphan: Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it.

Franz, you need to go to the doctor for an exam. If she was sleeping with a bi-sexual man and had other partners, she could have given something to your husband who in turn gave it to you. I know it's terrifying. I can only imagine how scared/hurt/angry you are.

Like Orphan mentioned, you have already made your first move. You have contacted your divorce attorney, so you know deep down it's over. You just need to stay strong and stick to your guns. Get your support where ever you can, friends, family, online... What does your son think about what his father has done?

I have an appointment this Friday with the Dr. My son is discusted, and is of course trying to comprehend all that has happened. He can't believe all that has happened. My son told me, how could my dad hate us that much, to do something like that? I told my husband that, and all he said was we'll talk. We never did. I told my husband, you should be ashamed, and discusted with what you have done. He said he's ashamed, but most of all, doesn't want to lose me. I had to say he was ashamed, he never said that first. He accused me of sleeping with his friend. It's just so sickening. I'll never know if he got her pregnant, or if it is someone else's. I asked him is he got her pregnant, at first he never answered the question. After I told him I guess you did get her pregnant, because he won't answer me. That's when he told me it's not his baby.

Ahh the blame game. Of course he will try and accuse you of doing these things, he doesn't want to be the only bad guy. Don't let his foolish, selfish games get to you.

Do you think he is ashamed of his actions or ashamed that he got caught... again?

I would bet you will find a trail of other girls though the years, the ones you found out about where just family.

Get the divorce lawyer, get the biggest and best settlement you can.

What a horrible position to be in for you.

A marriage you have dedicated yourself to for 32 years, only to end up with a man who you really didn't know.

It is the man that you don't know, that you have to deal with. The man you thought you knew, does not exist.

I believe you when you say you don't love him, and I believe you when you describe what he has done, and how it has turned your life upside down.

I'm happy that you have seen a lawyer, and have some idea of what to expect with the division of marital assets. That alone should give you a little confidence that you will have something when and if you decide to end the marriage.

Have you considered for now, a legal separation. Figuring out on paper, what you will actually end up with, might give you more confidence to proceed. At the least, you will have some money in the bank.

I don't know if you work, or what kind of work you do, but have you thought about paving a new way, to a better income? If that is not something you have checked out, or something that you won't need to do right away, maybe think instead of getting to a safe place (friend, relative), and with a separation agreement in place, you can then start to plan what you need to do.

I appreciate that you are not bowled over by what he has done to the extent that you can see you will have to make major changes.

But, at the end of the day, you will have your own place, and you will have your freedom back, particularly free of the man that has put you through an emotional wringer.

What kind of man would have sex with an 18 year old, let alone an 18 year old who herself, was the result of a horrible life. He was a predator. And he was a predator when the 'opportunity' came up and he chose to have a sex with your niece six years ago. Were this her parents made aware of what went on, or did you remain silent.

It is important you make the distinction between your husband's actions, and the fact that these were not 'just' affairs, he preyed on vunerable young women.

You are on the right path when you consider counselling, but be prepared to learn more about the type of man you are married to, and while you may have had many good years with the 'other' man, it is who he is now that you have to deal with.

I hope you will post again with your thoughts, and what you may have considered to do, or plan to do in the near (hopefully) future. It doesn't have to be all at once, or overwhelming, if you have a plan, and follow it through. Set your goals, short term, and long term, and realize that what you face alone, will be by far worth the effort to accomplish, than what you are living with now.

To Jake:

Thank you, so much for your input. I told my husband, I don't know who you are? How could you have sex with your own family? My family. I'm discusted, and ashamed that you are my husband. In regards to MY niece, yes, my sister was advised, as my niece was 14 at the time. Husband went to prison for 3 yrs. Yes, I stayed with him, thinking I was doing the right thing. I actually (thought) GOD hates divorce- that's what kept me there. At the time, I WAS living, or thinking I was living by the bible. ( I apologize if I'm rambling, but this is so confusing for me) Looking back, I should have left him then. Legal separation, my brother in law advised me to do so. You are right, he is a predator. Husband has promised to never hurt me again, says he loves me. How can he love me, if he hurts me? I haven't asked him if he's been cheating on me all this time. I will, and see what he has to say. I'm sure it will be nothing but lies. The cousin would yell at me, tell me off, and my husband would NEVER tell her to leave. Now, I know why. I had to legally evict her! I never in a million years think he would have sex with his own cousin. Now, she's due to have a baby. I heard a voice mail she left him, saying it was his baby and she was going to kill it! (end the pregnancy-this was a July voice mail) Who knows who's baby it is. Down in my gut, tells me it could be, because how could he continue to have sex with someone, if it's not your baby? (Her boyfriend is bi-sexual, and she was also seeing another guy) This is so hard, I could go on forever. I'm grateful to everyone's input. It's making me stronger, and come the realization that I must move on. It's so hard. He WAS my best friend, my life, my everything. All I know, is that I don't love him. I'll look into legal separation. I'm just feeling so ashamed, and I don't know why. He actually took her on one of his business trips. I found out he stood an extra day, took her all over to sightsee. He lied and said he had to work an extra day! I then found out she met him in San Diego, Ca while he was working, and stood with him for 3-days. The only reason I found out was I called his co-workers room in error, ( I was going to take the train and meet him that evening) and the co-worker told me -your husband and daughter just went to dinner. I'm glad to get this out. I cannot tell many people. This is to hard.

To Aurora:

I think he's ashamed he got caught. He told me he stopped with her in July. That makes sense, as I evicted her in July. Thank you. All this is making me stronger, which I need, as he's trying to make me stay with him. I have a dog to look out for. She's a mastiff, great dane mix. I love her so much. I don't want to leave her with him. He refuses to leave MY house.

Franz, do what ever you have to do. I wish I could offer more. The lawyer will handle the house and other issues, but for now you need to take care of you. I can't imagine the hell you have been through. You are a strong woman. I can tell just by your writing. I hope you stay with us here and talk to us, let us help you and offer our support. I know all of us here will be rooting for you.

Hi Aurora Bell,

Thank you and all the others for your support! I really need it. I'm 49, and never in a million years would have thought I'd have to start over at this age.

It's tough at any age. But you are still young and have a whole lot of life a head of you :) I recently joined the gym, and it has done wonders for myself esteem, plus got me in touch with a lot of other women in my age group. Do you think that would be something you would enjoy?

You have not yet started to live Franz.

Sometimes people post with tragic stories like yours, and really it all boils down to the message, and that is a confirmation, and understanding of what the person has already decided to do.

I think it is only natural to have a fallout from that realization. Details, times, dates, situations, life together in your case, a big investment that has most likely an infinate amount of memory attached to it, and let's face it, some of those memories are good ones.

There is no predicting at any stage of any relationship, when your worst nightmare comes true. Or nightmares, followed by making up, wanting to believe and maintain what you had. It makes sense to me that you would be confused; he has turned your life upside down, your marriage upside down, and destroyed all that was sacred.

Who you were, when you were with him, is still the same person you are now. A good, decent, loyal person. You may have made mistakes in judgment along the way, but who hasn't. Anybody we love is worth a second chance, especially if they seem like they are sincere. That is the person you trusted to be truthful, no matter how bad the truth was.

49 is not old. 49 is the new 29! And, at some point in the future, you will realize just how strong you were because the strength you put into staying with this man was more energy spent on him, than anything you would spend on yourself. You will be yourself, under your own steam, your own rules, goals, dreams, and life. What could be better than that. And it isn't a dream, you will make it happen.

I too hope that you keep posting and update us with how things are going.

Jake you totally took the words out of my mouth! I came back here to specifically tell her that 49 is the new 29 and saw that you had posted! LOL love it.

Hi Jake,

Last night I asked my husband if he's been cheating on me through our entire marriage- he said no. And, wouldn't look at me when he answered. I told him, I need to ask you questions, I deserve to have answers. I told him, I need to know why this happened, and how you could have sex with your own cousin. It's incest. Husbands response- he said stupid. Husband acted like it was just another thing that happened. It's very hard to explain. He said wait until we see a counselor,then said, you see we're going to get into a fight. I didn't raise my voice, but he did. * He's also been texting me saying he loves me, and will do whatever it takes to save our marriage.* He killed every ounce of my love for him, in one action. I told him the day you went to bed with your cousin, was the day YOU chose to end our marriage. How can I love someone who lied, cheated, allowed her to steal from me, damage my property? I could go on, and on. I agreed to go to counseling, but in MY eyes, it's over. I don't love him. I have so much hate in me. I'm never like this. I'm usually such a happy person. Yes, I have made mistakes, but nothing like this. I told him, I've been a faithful wife to you, do everything to help you. And, at then end of they day, I've ALWAYS been there for you. He said, yes you have. And, I'm sorry your in pain. I just don't believe anything he says to me. I feel that if she calls him, he'll go right back to having sex with her.

He was not 'cheating' on you in the traditional sense of the word, with another woman, or several other women. I do think that was a good question to ask him though, but, it does not fit the character profile, generally speaking of a predator, who exploits children for sexual gratification.

You are dealing with a man, who has some serious mental health problems in my opinion. That area of his personality has nothing to do with your marriage. He needs to acknowledge what he has done, accept his behaviour and be truthful, and then seek help in changing his behaviour. Recividism is very high among adults who prey on minors. The three years in jail did not 'cure' him of his behaviour of your minor niece.

I consider the 18 year old to be a victim also considering her circumstances, and his role of 'responsible adult' in her care under your roof.

The residual effects to both these victims, and their families, will be a lifelong struggle. The punishment for the minor may pay, by having had a jail sentence, as far as the law goes, but anybody working with, or having family members, or are teachers of children who have been violated in this way, know that the struggle didn't end when the jail sentence did. But, it did for your husband, who went on to victimize a very troubled 18 year old. There were many things he could have done- research for one, or seek help with any women's service that assists those that have such troubled lives as that young woman did. They would have jumped through firehoops to advise and offer guidance and support. Hand's on support, with counselling, education, etc.

It would have been easier to accept, and try marriage counselling had he had affairs with willing adult females, who mutually and intellectually and physically met the needs of each other. The situation you face, is not that.

It is a part of his personality to work his motives on you, as he did with the two we've talked about. He is 'sincere', he 'says all the right things' he 'promises to change' he 'wants to save his marriage' etc. etc. Showing all the right manipulative signs, such as frequent texts, loving gestures and words, and 'remorse' are all a part of the same package his victims succumed to. That is the man he is, and you too, are being victimized by his behaviour.

He cannot change because he says he wants to, and you can't, or shouldn't expect that he can change either. That part of his life will take a lot more than a few visits to a counsellor. Marriage counselling will certainly not help him get 'the cure'. He is a sick individual.

I may be too blunt, and I don't mean to sound harsh, but it is important that you separate 'affairs' and what that implies (two consenting adults), to predatory behaviour against a minor, and against a vunerable teenager.

Clearly you are on the right path, but, I am not so sure that any questions you ask or demand of him, will have any insightful or meaningful responses. He just wants things to get back to normal. And a few crumbs thrown your way might just smooth things over enough so he can feel vindicated. If YOU forgive him, then he faces no other serious consequences- just lip service, a sad face, and a few superficial gestures, and his life is okay again.

No amount of explaining on his part, will change who he is.

Jake2008,

You are not too blunt. This is what I NEED TO HEAR. I appreciate your bluntness, and your honesty to keep me on the right path.

You have made me see that I too have been victimized. Thank you!

I now understand the difference between cheating and him being a predator! Thank you! He has manipulated me for so long, and it's time for me to take care of me! All that you have said, has really made me come to the realization that it's over. To tell you the truth: I'M SCARED TO BE ALONE!! I've been married for so long, it's all I know. The thought of being alone terrifies me. But, it's something I know that I'll have to go through. Husband actually thinks that I'm going to bed with him, he acts like nothing has happened... I know know he really is a sick person. To think I'll just go right into bed with him, after what he has done. I know I have a long path of heartache ahead of me. But again, I know that it's something I have to go through. I'm actually thinking of moving out of state, and starting over. Our plan was to move to Settle in a few years. I'm seriously thinking about doing so. My son is 32, and I told him about my plans. My son told me, mom whatever makes you happy, go for it. I have such an awsome son!! I have a lot to think about. I'm going to move out in a few weeks, as husband will not leave. I'll have my attorney work on getting him out. Part of me wants MY house, but ugly memories of him taking her in our bed/bedroom haunt me! Husband gave me a blank check to buy a new bed. I know he just did that to TRY and make up for what he has done.

Thank you Aurora Bell!!

You're welcome :)

It's Friday. Struggling with so many emotions. It's hard, knowing my marriage is over. But, one door closes, another opens! Going to Dr. Today, to get checked for STD's. (We've) had the same family Dr. For 15yrs. It's going to be hard telling my Dr. The reason I'm there. It is what is it. Husband was acting so strange yesterday. I asked him what was wrong, he just said he's tired. I know he was lying, I can see right through him. It's hard distancing myself, but it's something I have to do, because I'm not getting sucked back into his deceitfulness!

I admire your strength Franz. When things get tough, the tough get going. You are an inspiration to women who find themselves needing to also leave their husbands, and I guarantee you they are reading your story.

I like that you are not fooling yourself either. You know that a rough road lays ahead, and I know that you are capable of managing all the potholes along the way. Every thing you do for yourslef now, you will benefit from.

I suspect that at some point, when you are free from your husband, you will look back without a shred of doubt that you made the absolute correct decision to leave.

Life will be good. Please keep posting, we are all here for you.

I can only echo Jake's words, you are an inspiration to many women to come. Lots of women come here in the same situation as you, and there are so many who have struggled to make the right decision. Many faltered and fell back into what was comfortable, only to find themselves right back where they started. Lots say how wonderful things are, how much their husbands have changed, but a few months later, they are back posting about their heartache from their cheating husbands. I admire you for staying so strong. Please keep posting. Like Jake said, we are all here rooting for you.

When it's time to go, it's time to go. I myself just got married this past March, after being together for 3 years. In June my husband went to visit family on the East Coast. When I picked him up from the airport he was a complete ****. Long behold I found out why 2 days later. I found pictures of him and his First Cousin naked together, kissing and even a video of them having sex. I had a nervous break down after seeing all that n was stuck on 3 anti anxiety meds for awhile. It gets better, in July she came to our state to visit him and he took off for 2 weeks with her. I come to find out later, he married her too, even though he was already married to me and at the time we were still living together. I had no money to leave n stayed until August. I didn't even have money when I left. Something just finally said enough and I just left one day with the clothes on my back, some makeup and a phone charger. Thank god I had family that lent me money for a few weeks until I could pull it together and get on my feet. I never imagined that something like this would happen, this was worse than just cheating. You always think that you can trust your significant other with their family members. It's sad to know people can do what they do with no regard to how much they are hurting those that love them. And now I myself am in the middle of a divorce. I haven't brought up his illegal marriage, despite what he did to me. The only wish I have is I could block this year from my memory =/ So let me tell you this, we can be stronger together knowing we aren't alone...

Thanks for sharing your story Mzbellaz, That is a horrible situation you were put in. You were very strong to do what you did. You too are an inspiration to many women facing divorce.

MZBellaz,

What a horrible, situation. I can imagine the pain you are in! It's so hard at times, like you said we should be able to trust our significant other. Keep strong! You are an inspiration to women!!

I've been off line for a while. Trying to get myself together. Been putting things away, getting ready to file, and do what I have to do in January. It's been very hard on me lately. The cousin has been calling me, telling me that what (they) are doing is between them, and to leave it alone. She's pregnant with husbands child. I've heard some of the messages she's left him. He's been sneaking around,giving her money, taking her out, and to Dr. appointments. It sickens me to think that a man I've been married to for 32 yrs, is capable of this. He's been promising the world, yet has these angry outburst,throws things, and yells for no reason at me. Well, this just makes me hate him more. I never thought I was capable of hating another human being. This has changed me forever. I don't think I'll ever trust again. It's so hard, knowing that I'll be alone, but I know I must be strong and deal with it. He tells me to give him a chance! I'm letting him think he has a chance, because I'm going to file, and move. I joined a gym. My friend, is going to help me find a nice place for my dog. I love my dog so much. She's a large breed, and it's not fair to have her cooped up in an apartment. It's going to be very hard, but I know I need a fresh start. Only good things can come of this. Husband told me, once mine, always mine. He tells me that he knows he'll win me back. He actually took her with him to work functions, and introduced her as his daughter. How sick is that? I just have so much to deal with. Knowing what lies ahead-terrifies me. I'm scared to be alone, yet, I welcome it at the same time. Does that make sense?

It makes total sense Franz. Everything you are feeling is totally understandable and normal. You are doing the right thing, you are being so strong. Don't give up. Your husband is a predator, he will push the bill to see what he can get away with. He gets pleasure taking her out in public, and pretending she's his daughter. Going back now would only reinforce his theory "once his always his".

It's really great to see how strong you are staying. It's going to be hard and there are going to be hurdles you will encounter, but it will only get better from here. He will never change, he will always be a predator. You on the other hand will continue to grow and change in a better way. You will become a better person and a person who cares for themselves enough to not let anyone treat them like crap.

I agree with Aurora completely.

What is worrysome though, is that you are planning to stay there until January. That is a long way off, and Christmas to get through.

Getting ready to file, and actually taking the steps, are two different things. You can have a separation agreement in place, and still remain in the house waiting out the time until an apartment is available. It is important that you protect your assets. Very important.

Every penny he spends on her, is half yours. If there are bank accounts, equity in the home, and all the other things considered in a separation agreement, it is time to get that in place.

Please see a lawyer, and get that ball rolling.

I would also consider a restraining order against the niece from contacting you. I doubt you would have any trouble securing that, and having her stop the phone calls and messages.

As to your husband, consider any abuse that leaves you in fear, as worthy of a 911 call.

That the two of them continue to control you in any way, means that you are not taking steps, or enough steps to secure your safety, and your assets. A lawyer will get the ball rolling.

I don't want to see you as a sitting duck. For all you know, their plan is to drive you out of the house, so that she can move in.

Thank you both for your input. I told husband that I know your trying to make me leave, so that she can move in. I had to legally evict her, so she cannot go back into the home. I told him, you will never live here with her! I told him to leave. He won't. I contacted my brother, I'll be staying with him, if I don't find an apartment. Which is what I prefer. January isn't too far away. I will stand my ground, I'm leaving when I'm ready. I talked to my son, I'll be signing the house over to him. I told him, we'll talk to your dad, and get the house signed over to you. We always agreed that the house would be our son. I still use our. This makes me so sad. Iv'e heard so many messages she left him, and it just hurts so much. What a sick person I'm married to. But, this will change. I do see light at the end of the lonnnngggg tunnel. Yes, I agree I must meet with attorney, as I know he's been giving her a lot of money. He's even been looking at baby clothes in front of me. Thank you both for your support. I need it! I'm not close to my family, and I do need to vent from time to time. Thanks again!!

Vent all you want to, there are some really wonderful people here to encourage you in getting through what lies ahead.

Many of us have lived through horror shows, just different versions.

Very happy you are making progress.

Please continue to come here and vent! There's always lots of ears here. Stay strong.

It's Thursday, haven't been online in a while. Emotions- lately I've been thinking about how I'm going to move forward with my life, and finally- I must honestly say that I'm ready. Before, I was scared to death of being along, but now, I actually feel at peace. Maybe, peace is not the correct word, but I'm feeling relief! It's so strange, all the feelings that are coming out. Changed my phone number, as I've had enough of being harassed by husbands cousin, and of being reminded of what has happened. (She's been calling me at work, and sending emails) Husband - well, same old bs. He won't talk to me about this, as I've told him many times that I have a lot to say to him. He tells me, wait until we go to counseling. When I brought counseling up, he acts all stressed out. (I say brought -in past tense as I'm not doing counseling) Told my husband last night, about the phone number change, and that I'll be filing for divorce. Husband acts like nothing happened. I told him I don't love you anymore. It's over. He of course, was acting defensive. I told him, you are a sick person, a predator, and you need to get help with your problem. He said something to me, but I just walked away. We both have 2-weeks off, beginning next week. I'm going to see my attorney. I told husband, did you really think we were going to live happily every after? I know you're just waiting, and will start all over again. You have a problem. I told him your work, family, everyone will know about you! You know, I'm very angry, and at the way I feel now, I want to destroy him. Maybe these feelings will pass, but I've been a faithful, loyal, loving wife, and didn't deserve this. I'm sorry, but these are my true feelings.

Just be careful about wanting to destroy. These are negative feelings and may come back to bite you in the arse. Also, I am not sure what kind of man he is, but the idea of his friends and co-workers finding this out could be more detrimental than losing you. He could possibly act out in violence in attempt to keep his secrets safe.

The main thing here is staying positive to you. Allowing those negative feelings to overcome you, will make you bitter. You need to stay positive for you. Those kinds of feelings are like the plage, they take over and eat you up. Of course you are going to be mad and resentful, but you need to find a constructive outlet for them.

Fran, I am SO proud of you. You are doing the right thing, and not a lot of women are as strong as you are being. Awesome work. Please keep us posted. You truly are a martyr for other women in similar situations!

Aurora: Thank you so much! You know, after I wrote that, I was thinking- what the heck am I doing?? I'm turning into an ugly peson. THANK YOU! This is not me!! I've always been such a nice person. This has really made me think. I must stay positive!! Last night was a relief! I have so much more to say to husband. Even when I was telling husband my feelings last night, he didn't say a word. He was so quiet, until after, and I didn't hear what he said. -It was quite brief. I'm ready to move on. It's going to be a fight with the house, but he's in the wrong, so we'll see what happens. I also know he'll want the truck (I) pay for. I'm keeping the truck! I do want to stay in the house. It will be a struggle with bills, but I WILL BE HAPPY AND FREE OF A LYING, PREDATOR!

Anger IS a good emotion, that may just help motivate you to make positive changes.

After what you have gone through, and what you are about to face, being angry is understandable. I'm saying don't disregard the anger. It can easily change from a motivating force, to a destructive force, if you aren't keeping it in check.

Stick to the facts, focus, and plan so that you clearly see, and get what you are entitled to.

Take the anger out with a long power-walk, or writing out a diary, or venting- here- or with a girlfriend.

I would be calling the police about the harassment from the cousin, and make a trip to file a restraining order to stop her.

I don't know when you are planning to see your Lawyer, but I hope it is soon. Many times one partner or the other is totally caught off guard when all the assets are put forth, only to discover maxed out lines of credit, credit cards, second mortgages, etc. This type of protection for you is essential, and extremely important. Particularly now that he knows the marriage is over- he has nothing to lose by maxing things out.

It is hard to separate the emotions from the situation at hand, as far as the assets go- particularly the house. This may sound harsh, but, deal with the aftermath and emotions, after you get yourself on financial footing. You will resolve little in that regard, until you are really free from him.

Keep posting!

Hello - Happy NEW Year!! Well, It's a new year. Hatred, anger have subsided-a lot! I know I'm doing the right thing. Husband keeps begging me-saying he loves me. We were talking the other day, and I told him everything you do makes you the person you are. Husband told me, theirs a difference between work, and passion. I told him, you don't see anything wrong with what you have done. There's something wrong with you. So, you had passionate sex with your 18 yr old cousin. Thsts sick. He didn't say anything. Attorney is back from holiday on 2011-01-10. I'll be seeing him next week. It's hard, I've listed our assets, have left out a lot, and the list continues to grow. I want my house, I deserve it, as he's the one who ended the marriage. We have a lot to work out. His pension, insurance, so many things. It's hard to think that I'll struggle, but I'm ready to rock and roll.. He doesn't deserve me. Last night he was trying to make plans for our anniversary,my birthday. I told him- you ruined everything, and last year-was the worst. He said, don't worry I have a lot of making up to do. Whatever. My son is 32, and is having a hard time dealing with this. But, this is something I have to do. This is my time! I must put myself first=for once!! I'm in a bit of a strange mood today. I don't know what it is. I feel so empty inside. We were talking the other day, and I told him, I have no feelings for you. I don't love you. He just walked away. I don't understand how he can say he loves me to my face after everything he's done. He's just trying to manipulate me, into thinking everything is OK. I forgot to mention, I saw a picture of her baby, it looks just like my son. I know it's his. I've caught him looking at baby clothes, when we're out shopping.

Thanks for the update Franz. Happy New Year to you as well- as you said this is YOUR time now!

Love is a very complicated thing. I think it's safe to say that some part of you loves what it was, prior to knowing what it actually is.

I think it is also safe to say that during your long marriage, there will be memories, and not all of them will be bad. When the time comes for you to reflect, when you are settled on your own, I think it is important for you to separate the good, from the bad. Don't deny yourself the joy, re-lived through memory, of the birth of your son, for example. I would also be careful not to taint your son's history, and allow him the freedom too, to remember the parts of his life, that were not affected with how his father is now.

He will be struggling with this too. Down the road, I'm just saying balancing what will be the past, will include both good, and bad.

I believe you are right, in that, because your husband feels he's done no wrong, and has no insight into his own behaviour, change will never come. It is not uncommon territory for predators, to not benefit from therapy. There is no healing, or changing such a person in my opinion. Behaviour may only be modified,at best. So years of therapy would only, maybe, stop the behaviour, but it does not change the person.

Go easy on yourself, and make sure you are protected legally, as you are doing. Think of yourself now as sharing the house with a room mate, and keep to yourself as much as possible, and keep busy. The marriage is over, your thinking is changing over to yourself only now. Confidence will come with time and accomplishments on your own.

You said in an earlier post that you could go and stay with your brother. Do you think this might be a likely decision, considering the fact that the legal wrangling may take some time? If so, that is something to talk over with your lawyer- spousal support may be in order here, even on a temporary basis, so that you have your living expenses covered, at least.

Looking forward to hearing from you again.

Happy New Years to you too Franz! You know, Jake pretty much covered everything. I just wanted to add that your son is 32, he is an adult who makes his own choices with HIS life. As difficult as it will be for him, it's your choice for YOUR life. Everything you are doing is right. And you said it best, this is year is for YOU. I'm glad to hear everything is rolling quickly with the lawyer. I thought about you over the holidays. I know how hard it is to be in a break-up/divorce over those times, but you stayed strong and I am SO happy to hear that. Great work!

Today is 2012-01-04. Thank you Jake, and Aurora! Having a really bad -emotinal day. I'm struggling so much today. It's just so hard, unbearable at times. Been crying alot-today. I know it's the fact that it's over. I do miss the way (I THOUGHT) my marriage was. Just knowing all that has happened, is keeping me strong, and knowing that I'm doing the right thing. I feel like I'm going crazy at times. I know it's what I need to go through in the healing process. I wish I could not feel this way, but I do. IT'S SO HARD! Almost fell apart at work today. There were a few times that I started crying, but I know I'll get through this. I have so much to be thankful for. I'm a good person, healthy, and know that in the end, I'll be OK. This sucks! (I'm sorry, but this is how I feel) I don't know how husband can keep telling me he loves me, when he only loves himself. Thank you all for listening to me. I feel better already. Can't wait until next week, to see my attorney. I know husband thinks that everything is back to normal. He doesn't care about me crying. Last week he told me I'm bipolar, and crazy, and everything happened last year-get over it. Whatever.

Aurora Bell, thank you for your kind words. Thinking of me over the holidays! What an awsome person you are!

Franz, you have come so far, keep your head up woman! :) I know how hard it is to lose what you think you had, but just keep telling yourself it wasn't what you really had. He is a predator, and it's only going to be a matter of time before he does something like this again. He can't even take responsibility for his actions, telling you to get over his infidelity is a HUGE slap in the face. He seriously sees NO wrong in what he did. What is it going to be like when he starts having to pay for this cousin/son of his? Does he expect you to help raise his incest son? All of this screams ego-maniac with no conscious! YOu are doing SO good. You are doing the right thing, and no matter how emotional you may get, you still see how you are doing the right thing. Good for you! ((HUGS))!

Yesterday, was a very bad day for me. Last night was even worse. Emotions, crying- so many memories have been flooding my mind! Didn't sleep last night. This am husband was trying to hug, and hold me. I told him, I'm not going to live like this anymore. I'll be filing for divorce next week. I told him, I'll never forgive, or forget what you have done. I told him, I don't understand how you can continue to think everything is OK. You knew this was coming. I then said, this is my house, I won't be leaving, so you better make arrangements. Told him, you are the cause of this. He said f-you. I told him, Im not going to fight with you, we're adults, you must live by your actions. It's over- get that through your head. Nothing you say or do will ever make me think different. You did something so discusting, that I will never get over. I do feel better -for now.

If you think of the end of your marriage as a death, it might be easier to understand. If you have ever gone through the grieving process after the loss of a loved one, you know that eventually, you get back on your feet again, and life goes on.

But, the getting there is the hard part, and it is different for everybody. No two deaths of anything, are the same for anyone.

Your husband may always have that large hole in his head, preventing him from EVER understanding his own behaviour, let alone how it has affected you. You divorcing him, won't change him. I get the impression that he prefers to have that breeze blowing through his brain, numbing rational thought, accountability, remorse, etc. He does not feel, understand, or accept what he has done. If he did, the guilt that would follow, would put him in a hospital.

There is no 'meeting of the minds' here. How you view all that has happened, is not the same way he views all that has happened. His version of accountability is an insult to your intelligence. Even a 7 year old can comprehend what he cannot.

You are not dealing with a MAN. You are dealing with a MONSTER.

As good as life with him once was, it is not that now. Take the good memories with you, and keep your focus now. You will have plenty of time to reflect down the road, but the legal actions you take now, are top priority.

I wish you weren't in that house at all. Would telling him to leave- work? If he knew, say, that you were going to report him to the authorities for what he has done if he doesn't move, would that prompt him to pack and go?

Hi Jake, Thank you for everything you said! I'm struggling with so much. It's hard. My attorney advised me not to leave the house, as once we get into court, they could claim abandonment on my part. He'll never leave, until a court order is in place. I need to get financially set, and with the attorney getting things in order, it will get moving. It's going to be very expensive, and I have a call into the attorney, to discuss a payment plan. My mother in law will lend me some money to get going, but the rest-I'll take care of. I FEEL SO SAD. Knowing, that I wasted my life on this person. But, I know that life will get better. I just want to be happy. You are right, he's not a man, but a monster. Thank you! I wish this could be over already. I must stay strong. I know that happiness will come. In time...

You can't put a price on your happieness or well-being! Stay strong. You're life isn't over, you haven't wasted anything, you have a beautiful son, who obviously loves you very much.

Thank you Aurora Bell. :-)

You should pull yourself esteem up by the boot straps and leave. You will never know what living in peace is and living in a safe place (meaning you do not have to worry about anyone violating your home)without your husband committing adultrey in your home until you leave.

Love does hurt but this type of hurt is abusive and you have grown comfortable to the point it is acceptable. You my dear are living in hell!

Once you are out and away from this type of dangerous behavior, and you get counseling yourself, when your husband meets up with you again months later you will see how you have grown and you will ask yourself, how in the world did I subject myself to this mess.

Get out of this mess and allow yourself to smell the roses. This is sufficating your growth.