After a whole lot of drama and ugliness, I told a man that I have loved for over 8 years that I wanted to respect my relationship and not talk to him anymore. We have had such ups and downs, drama, etc. None of my friends and family would want to see me talking to him again, but they don't know the full story.

I can't say he has been the greatest to me all the time, but I also made mistakes in my dealings, coupled with having low self esteem and allowed myself to be put on the back burner by him. But I also did some grimy things out of youth, stupidity, slight revenge,; yet still wanting to be with him. He did some good things as well, but so much has happened that it got crazy between us.

It has been almost a year, I decided to go to a counselor to work out myself esteem issues, and the guy I moved on to is not the guy I thought he was. I would just so much would like to talk to this other guy again. Even though it wasn't the best relationship, I have had a lot of time to think and heal and I find that I miss his presence in my life. I have been thinking about him daily, but at terrified of calling him. I have no clue what he is doing or anything that is going on in his life. He also knows the guy I am with now, and I do not want to cause drama; I just want to talk to him.

I am just so afraid he might hang up on me or curse me out; or tell my current boyfriend. This is why we stopped talking in the first place, but I was in a different and stupid mindset, so I contributed to the drama at the time( trying to be a player, when I was a pitiful rookie at it). Long story short... I miss this guy and just want to talk to him again. Over the last 9-10 years it hasn't been longer than 3 -6 months that we haven't talked. I feel such a big void in my life,and I just want to keep in touch. I did try to IM him a couple, of months ago, but he never responded.

I thought I should do the NC thing, and was the one who told him not to contact me anymore due to my relationship, but I feel I made a mistake. Does stuff like this ever work out well? Should I keep him in my mind forever without contacting him, or should I try to IM or call him again. Again, I have been thinking about him every day. I just don't want to be a bugaboo, but truly miss him.

Am I wrong for this? I miss him sorely, but I feel pretty ashamed and don't want to cause any bad feelings from him. Please some advice!:)

Don't get in touch with him;concentrate on your therapy and build some self esteem for- your own sake-not because of some man.

I think you would benefit from being single until you've got these issues sorted out.

I agree with amicon, jumping from your current relationship to another one is probably not a good idea. It would be advisable for you to break up with your current boyfriend, since it is obvious that he is "expendable" to you, and stay single for a while so that you can think clearly as to what it is you really want. You wouldn't want to be two-timing anyone.

Good luck,
Javi

Your feelings of loss are understandable, but you would benefit GREATLY, building a life that you enjoy without him, and getting over thoughts of needing him in your life at all.

Of course you miss him, you were with each other a long time, and it failed. So work on moving forward to better things for yourself, without him, or the rebound guy you latched onto in a time of need.

You want a healthy adult relationship? Then give yourself a chance to get healthy, and not get caught in the drama of being trapped between two guys, and being distracted from being good to yourself, BY YOURSELF, FOR YOURSELF!

Well its not that my boyfriend is "expendable", but he has shown me some colors that I see are a true part of him, and not due to circumstances. And I am not sure that I can live with them; to be honest I have not made full decision. I care about him a lot, can say I love him... but some things he does, or his attitude can be really crappy,and in those times I just want to cut all contact. But then he gets on my good side again,and I feel that things are workable. But anyway, it is complicated. I cannot say for sure that I am totally ready to be single yet, my feelings about it change up so frequently. Anyway, I am trying to work on myself through the midst of it. Its just that, this other guy's personality was always good for making me feel like I was escaping my everyday stressors. For me it was toxic, invigorating love. I got so caught up in how I felt that I allowed him to jump in and out of my life without question because as much as it pained when he would go, it was an exciting , comfy feeling when he came back. Although I see my errors in the way I allowed the vicious cycle to begin, sometimes I miss that intoxication feeling and escape feeling through laughter and conversation that I have not been able to replace through my other friendships. He is a unique personality, and I miss this in my life.

Anyway, I guess I won't bother him,as I know he is a great guy and lots of women want him. Its just hitting me that it wasn't necessary to cut things off totally as in NC, because I think I would have been happy with at least a friendship, but I cut that off too. All for a stupid situation. I have never been sure about what a soulmate is, but I think he came to the closest for me. Is it really possible to get over someone who has been in your life for many years when you just abruptly stop all communication? If so, how long does it take usually. I am used to changes in relationships between people, or less communication. But, its just like I want to kick myself for putting such a wall up.. since what I know and feel now has changed drastically.

Often change doesn't come easy to any of us, and its very seldom smooth, but I think it is inevitable and better than being confused, even if it means being alone for a while as you adjust to the changes you feel you should make.

I guess being single can be quite scary, when you are use to having someone around, but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Its an opportunity, not a threat to your happiness. After a proper healing, you will know if friendship with an ex is even wise or possible. And you get to explore all your options and opportunities for fun and happiness.

But its up to you to decide what you want to do about what's happening in your life.

A toxic love is only invigourating for as long as the ''hit'' lasts.

Not having him in your life will be a detox;a way of creating a more stable and constructive life for yourself.

I think you need to be single and work on you. The first guy is still a drug you seem to be addicted to and the second guy seems to be a bit of a substitute for that drug.
You need time alone to deal with your issues then I think you will have a better idea of what you need and want.