Hi. My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 6 months, we live together and have been very happy until about the past two months. I am scared to death that my boyfriend is carrying on online conversations on porn websites with women. To give you a little background on my boyfriend's track record, he cheated on his last girlfriend because they lived in different states the majority of their relationship. Like I said, he and I have only been together for 6 months, but we are so in love. He claims he never felt about his last girlfriend like he does about me. He shows this to me on a daily basis, just from the way he looks at me to the things he does.

My boyfriend has always had a lot of friends that are girls. Well one of the first days in October, I went through his phone. Mind you, I have never done this to him before. I found a text message to a girl he works with asking her if she wanted to stop up at work and have a drink with him since he had not seen her in awhile. He did say in the text message though, "I won't be here for long because I have to pick my girlfriend up from work." So of course I flipped out and accused him of wanting to cheat on me with this girl, but his defense was he mentioned me and he just has a lot of girls that are friends. He also said if I was going to cheat on you, why would I hang out with this girl at my job where everyone knows you. I tried to let this go, but things have been going downhill since. I have broken into his 3 email accounts, checked his Facebook, gone through his phone and gone through his phone bill. Every single day since this incident I have made it my mission to "catch him" cheating on me.

My friends have also made life difficult on me telling me he was once a cheater and will always be a cheater. They put all sorts of ideas in my head, ones that I never had before. He has deleted his myspace because I asked him to. He would even let me go through his phone bill. So he does try to do whatever it takes to show me he's not cheating. What gets me is what I found a few weeks ago.

When we first started dating, we had a period where he didn't know if he wanted to be in a relationship with just me. We did not become official until September. Well, I found that he was on this website called fling.com sending messages to girls. During this time he was staying at my house a lot, but like I said we were not in a committed relationship. The last message I saw that was sent was August 28th, we became official the first week of September and I did not see any messages sent during September/October/November/December.

He claims it was wrong to send messages to these girls, but that he was not sure he wanted to be in a relationship again and he wanted to keep his options open. I threw him out the end of August after a fight (not having to do with fling.. I found fling recently, and since he has deleted the account), and he did everything to get me back.. flowers, cards, calls, crying.. EVERYTHING! He said that was when he realized he didn't want to be without me and he stopped sending messages to these girls on fling. Another website I found he is a member on is redtubelive.com. On this portion of the website you can chat with girls. When I looked into it, he didn't have any "friends" on there and he didn't even have a picture uploaded. His profile was basically empty. He claims he hasn't been on there in ages. But the thing is, after I talked to him about this I tried to log in tonight and the redtubelive.com login doesn't exist. Is it possible he deleted it because he thought I would find something or because he deleted it for me to prove he's not doing anything? What if he has made up a new email address to go on there without me catching him?

We have been fighting non-stop for months about all of this. He is very hurt that I have gone through his privacy and that I don't trust him. When we first got together we had sex ALL THE TIME! 3 times a day. As of recently we only have sex a couple times a week and it doesn't feel the same. He claims he has no sex drive because I have pushed him so far away and fought with him so much. I am always crying or yelling at him, and he says that even though he loves me, he does not feel an emmotional connection with me during sex anymore. I tell him I will change and stop going through his stuff and accusing him, but then the next day I go back to the same thing. He claims this is why he never wants to have sex, because I will go back to being crazy and accusing him of cheating. We did have sex the other night and it feels like things are getting better.. but I am just so scared he's really not wanting to have sex with me online because girls online are "getting him off." He still stands by the fact that we're not having sex as much because he is just so upset with what has been going on.

My boyfriend is truly an amazing man. He pays my bills when I can't afford them, he splits all the bills, he pays our car insurance, cleans up after himself, tells me he loves me all the time, tells me I'm the only woman for him etc. etc. If you could just see the way he looks at me sometimes, it takes my breath away. He is away camping with his boyscout troop right now (he is an Eaglescout leader), therefore I am home by myself. I could use any opinions I can get.

So I guess bottom line, I'm asking... is he cheating on me in real life or online?

It doesn't sound like he is cheating on you, but if I were he, I would dump you fast. Anyone who checks up on me (and doesn't trust me) takes a hike.

Me too. If I were your boyfriend, I would have dumped you a decade ago! Sorry girl but you have ridiculously overreacted over such simple stupid thing. I have a boyfriend, and not boasting or anything but I'm quite popular at school, that's why guys text/call me to ask to hang out with them all the time, but every time that happens, I just replied with a simple answer, "sorry, I have to go to my boyfriend's place to watch his game". I bring up the boyfriend part in there not because I want to cheat with that guy another time, but because I want to state it clear that I have had a boyfriend so stop trying to court me.
And yeah, the messages he sent. You two weren't even serious, so of course he wanted to keep his options open. But now that he has devoted all his life to you and you still doubt him... Seriously, WAKE UP girl. You are not going find another man like that for the rest of your life (being generous enough to let you go through all his stuffs without complaining, pay the bill, and most importantly, DEAL WITH YOUR UNREASONABLE JEALOUSY)
And of course he wouldn't have any sex drive! How in the world can you be satisfied while having sex with one person knowing she's doubting you every second of her life?
Stop it! Seriously, STOP IT!

I agree with the above. You took a simple drink with a friend and turned into a spy. If anyone did the things you've done I'd run.

He's done nothing to you to earn this mistrust. You're being obsessive about "catching him" when he hasn't done anything to warrant this behavior.

If you can't trust him, or won't trust him, do him a favor and leave. It sounds like he already has one foot out the door because of your behavior.

Is he cheating on you? I don't think so. Will he keep putting up with a girlfriend that invades his privacy, snoops, and accuses him of things he hasn't done? I doubt it.

I've been married for 15 years and I would never ever look through my husbands stuff. It's called trust. You should learn what it means before your next relationship, so you don't do the same things you're doing now.

Get help to deal with your issues and cut this poor guy loose.

I will make this unanimous, because your fear is overcoming good common sense, and making you act and think in some really self destructive ways about this so called relationship. Maybe some help to guide you to some healthy thinking, and action would help greatly. For sure do something positive to help you trust this guy who seems quite open to me, or you will surely ruin what you have.

Learn to appreciate and not suspect, and get rid of those friends who are poisoning your mind with negative thoughts. Take more time to think, before you act or speak, a lot more time. Overcoming the impulses to snoop, and driving those bad thoughts from your head is what you have to do. You are making small normal stuff into huge obstacles that stop you from seeing anything that is the truth.

One thing that I think is a big factor here is jumping into this relationship way to fast, and way to deep before you had gotten to know, and TRUST him, so I sense a dependence on him that may not be healthy. If there are no kids involved, why is it you are home all day alone, with nothing to be involved in? That alone is not a great thing since you are doing nothing to make yourself happy and productive. You need a hobby or activity other than having coffee with bored negative house wives that are available. You need friends, or some volunteer work, (like he does with Eagle scouts, HMMM. Girl scouts maybe?? ), that give you a sense of purpose, accomplishment, and something to look forward to, so you won't have time to snoop or freak yourself out!

You need a new mission, that's a lot more positive. Get help if you need it.

Thank you all very much for the brutal honesty! I know I sound like a lunatic but I just can't believe I found such an amazing guy, and one that wants to be with me! You are all saying things I have already thought about but I needed them confirmed by outsiders I suppose. I am going to try very hard to overcome this because I am 24 and I don't want to lost someone I could see myself marrying and having babies with. He has a christmas party coming up at work that is for employees only open bar until 2am.. do you think me telling him to go even though I can't go with him is a good way to show him I trust him?

That would be a good start, if its followed by similar actions of trust, over time.

I got out of a relationship not too long ago and if there is one thing I do not miss, then it's her insecurity about herself. Jealousy is a big and possibly worst sign of insecurity as it can completely destroy a relationship.

I believe that everyone in the world would benefit from the world's population being less jealous. There are even good examples of wars being declared having it's roots in someone being jealous.

Best thing to do in all situations and relationships in your life is if you clearly mean and act as if you are giving a person all your trust, then that person won't even think of doing something to disappoint you and won't want to lose your trust. If you instead act the other way and don't trust someone, then you'll get the opposite back.

Another great point about not being jealous is that you feel much much better about yourself. Jealousy is the worst feeling in the world after being disappointed. Decide to be concentrate that energy on your confidence instead.

Sometimes, and I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here, jealousy can change a person from a trusting, honest one, into a doubting, dishonest one. The latter where you are now.

Fear of finding proof of what you seek, is only fueled by your own doubts about whether you yourself, can fully commit to him. For you to take the step of unconditional trust, you have to be secure enough in your own skin, to know that he is the person he says he is. It's easier to put up and nurture the seeds of suspicion, because it stops you from being in the relationship 100%.

The problem with this of course is that you are not on the same page as he is.

And this is not something you can overcome overnight. Dealing with your own insecurity so far, has put ice on the relationship. You, not him, are not moving in the direction of building a very solid foundation based on trust, because you aren't allowing yourself to trust him.

Before you lose him completely, and the signs are there that he's thinking twice about you, I urge you to seek counselling. I suspect that this hasn't been new behaviour for you in past relationships, and if it is a pattern for you, you will need more work on yourself to learn why you do the things you do, and how to change how you think.

You have already carried the jealousy too far, and exposed your insecurities far too much. It isn't enough that you can suddenly say, "ok, sorry, I trust you now", because they are meaningless words if you don't mean them, and tucking them aside and ignoring them, will only cause an explosion down the line.

If you truly want to make the relationship work, get counselling, address the problems you have with trust and insecurity, and show him that you care enough to change.

Thank you all very much for the brutal honesty! I know I sound like a lunatic but I just can't believe I found such an amazing guy, and one that wants to be with me! You are all saying things I have already thought about but I needed them confirmed by outsiders I supose. I am going to try very hard to overcome this because I am 24 and I don't want to lost someone I could see myself marrying and having babies with. He has a christmas party coming up at work that is for employees only open bar until 2am .. do you think me telling him to go even though I can't go with him is a good way to show him I trust him?

The fact that you read our advice and are realizing that you have issues, that's a huge step in the right direction. Too many times we tell people the truth, and they don't want to hear it. You not only heard it, but you're taking it to heart.

It's not too late to change, but that change has to come from you, not him. If you realize that you're jealousy, your insecurity, is the problem, and you work to change it, than you may be able to make this relationship work. Obviously he's still with you, so work together, and see if you can't fix this.

Tell him what's going on, how you feel, and that you know you have to change. Also let him know that it's you, not him. Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if you were honest, trustworthy, and loyal, but your every move was being watched, and the person that claims to love you spends most of her time trying to catch you doing something you're not even doing? Wouldn't you feel a bit hostile? Would you want to have sex with that person?

Couples counseling isn't a bad idea, and counseling for yourself. Counseling isn't a bad thing, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. This can help you further this relationship and once and for all, get rid of these trust issues.

I wish you all the best. :)

Sorry for being a little bit too brutal up there. But as I said, try to let it go.
Create a new hobby. Listen to music. Go out etc... Anything to keep you away from those negative thoughts.
And please, do not hang out with those precious friends who can't seem to stop telling he's a cheater all the time, at least not now (personally I would stay away from them... they're not exactly the best kind of people to hang around, who knows what other bad thoughts they could sow into your head)
Good luck.

Being around people who manipulate you in that way just to feel better about themselves are really bad in overall. If you don't want to stay away from them then you need to be fully honest with them and demand that they don't manipulate you.

Exactly

All of you act like she got issues and is going crazy and shouldn't be so jealous and paranoid.. but listen
I am a guy, 26 years old, and I found this site because I was trying to get informations about my girlfriend.. she always claimed to be loyal but recently I found out that she worked for redtubelive.com as a livecam model who striped and masturbated for money on redtubelive.com... so far I have only seen answers to her questions like "you are to jealous you need help" but lets face the facts, her boyfriend cheated on his ex, her boyfriend tried to keep options open and contacted other girls on a flirty base when he was already really close to her.. and do not forget that redtubelive.com is a sex and porno website, its all about that you can make girls or guys masturbate, strip and do even worse things for you for money. If he was a member at that website then it means he paid to see those girls because it is not for free even though that it says its for free, but its not, use common sense, it's a porno livecam website.. of course its not for free!! And your story actually sounds a lot like the story of me and my girlfriend, with the one big diference that my girlfriend worked for that website and had cyberser and webcam sex with other guys for money!! And yes of course she is my EX girlfriend now!! But I advice you to think about it again beacause if he pays money to see girls masturbate for him, then something is seriously wrong, and let me remind you that I'm a guy too and I know what I am talking about.. add the facts together, he cheated on his ex, he got a lot of girl "friends", he tries to date girls that he works with, he pays for cybersex... I would say that you are pretty smart for observing him and trying to find out if you can trust him, just an example, what if I was your boyfriend and you would figure that I pay girls for livecam sex ? Maybe I am overreacting because this whole redtubelive thing gets me real angry cause my ex works for them, but as a guy who knows how most other guys act, let me tell you to please be careful... and sorry if my english wasn't perfect.. I am not born in the usa