gimmeadvice
Oct 22, 2010, 07:27 AM
Okay, if you have a few minutes, I'll give you the low down on my situation. I met him 7 years ago at work. One year later, we started dating. Three months into dating, we moved in with each other. I was 36, he was 23. I had (have) three kids from 2 previous relationships. One I married, the other I did not. I was married for 9 years. My youngest child was almost 2 years old when my boyfriend and I moved in with each other 5 1/2 years ago, and he calls him "Daddy". The beginning of our relationship was good. One year in, it became a little rocky and then even rockier by year 3. No abuse... only arguments. The arguments stemmed from my own insecurities... a lot of them because of the age difference. But in my defense, my insecurities stemmed from a prior relationship where I was cheated on, all of the time AND also because my boyfriend has a roving eye. He's never cheated physically, but he is a flirt and I caught him a few times being a little too friendly with girls on the internet in the past. (One girl still exists to this day. She's married, but also a potential threat... that's a whole other story).
Anyhoo... 3 years into the relationship... I decided to just let it go. My boyfriend had stuck it through all of my sappy, crybaby, jealous rage, issues. I figured that if he was still kissing me, hugging me, telling me how pretty and beautiful I was, loving me, helping with the family, being a daddy... that he really loved me and it was time to get my act together. I didn't want to be a victim of my past, any longer. So, I changed. We even moved into our dream house. Life was getting better every day.
Fast forward 2 1/2 years. We are still in our dream house and I am now 41 and he is 28. While I learned to relax and let things go... I still have my moments but they are few and far between. I can HONESTLY say that. I feel good about who I am and where I am! :) I'm 41 and rather you believe it or not, I look 10 years younger. I get hit on, a lot. Actually, it unnerves me for the most part. It's weird being stared at like a piece of meat. But I am loyal and I have no need for anyone else. I love my boyfriend. We have a wonderful life together. We fit well. We have everything that anyone could want. We're loving, affectionate, our sex life rocks, people want to BE US. This is NO joke! We've had people actually tell us that. And yes, we do still argue... just like anyone else. However, our arguments no longer stem from insecurities. They stem from normal stuff like housework and mowing the lawn. Or who's going to pick up the kids or go to the store. Lol. We have grown. We have bonded. We have many, many friends that love us to death. We have a family... our boy is now 7 and LOVES his Daddy... and yes, he also see's his biological father. We're a good team... we've become comfortable, yet we still have passion. I cannot tell you enough how HOT our sex life is. This is a rare thing after almost 6 years, to be comfortable with a family life and still **** like crazy. Most marriages lose that after a few years.
Which brings me to my issue. After 5 1/2 years, we aren't married. We CHOSE it to be this way. My reasons were financial. I filed for bankruptcy 5 years ago AND I am still legally married to my ex-husband, only because both he and I are too cheap to pay for a divorce. My boyfriends reasons have been, my finances, my insecurities in the past, his age... but all of these reasons were given in the first 2 years of our relationship. Three years later, he makes comments like "when we get married" or "when we are married". So, I just assumed that one day, when the timing is right, we would just get married!
Sooooo... Last night the topic of marriage came up while watching a movie and I said... "If I was legally divorced instead of separated, would you want to get married now"? And he said "I don't know" (I'm thinking, ***?? But remained cool). Then I said "well what if we were also okay financially? What if my bankruptcy were over"? And he said "OMG. I don't know. I don't think so". I was very hurt to say the least. I asked him why and he said that it's because we still fight. :(
I'm confused. Yes, we do have fights. They're never crazy or abusive. They are arguments between 2 people who live together. They are not frequent and they are about little things as I mentioned above. I guess he thinks that married people should NEVER fight?? I don't know... I don't know what to do. I love him so much. He is always loving towards me. Kisses me all the time. Tells me he loves me all the time. He has never cheated on me or been abusive. Almost 6 years later and he still holds my hand when we go places. I JUST ASSUMED that since things have been good for the past couple of years and also because he talks about it, that he WANTED to get married but he knew, LIKE I DID, that the timing wasn't right due to finances!!
Now, I don't know what to think. All of a sudden, my old insecurities are popping up and I HATE IT! He talks of our future together... even in to retirement, yet he doesn't want to marry me because we have arguments?? It doesn't make sense.
I need advice and preferably from as many men as possible. Honest advice. Ladies, I'll take yours too, of course!
Anyhoo... 3 years into the relationship... I decided to just let it go. My boyfriend had stuck it through all of my sappy, crybaby, jealous rage, issues. I figured that if he was still kissing me, hugging me, telling me how pretty and beautiful I was, loving me, helping with the family, being a daddy... that he really loved me and it was time to get my act together. I didn't want to be a victim of my past, any longer. So, I changed. We even moved into our dream house. Life was getting better every day.
Fast forward 2 1/2 years. We are still in our dream house and I am now 41 and he is 28. While I learned to relax and let things go... I still have my moments but they are few and far between. I can HONESTLY say that. I feel good about who I am and where I am! :) I'm 41 and rather you believe it or not, I look 10 years younger. I get hit on, a lot. Actually, it unnerves me for the most part. It's weird being stared at like a piece of meat. But I am loyal and I have no need for anyone else. I love my boyfriend. We have a wonderful life together. We fit well. We have everything that anyone could want. We're loving, affectionate, our sex life rocks, people want to BE US. This is NO joke! We've had people actually tell us that. And yes, we do still argue... just like anyone else. However, our arguments no longer stem from insecurities. They stem from normal stuff like housework and mowing the lawn. Or who's going to pick up the kids or go to the store. Lol. We have grown. We have bonded. We have many, many friends that love us to death. We have a family... our boy is now 7 and LOVES his Daddy... and yes, he also see's his biological father. We're a good team... we've become comfortable, yet we still have passion. I cannot tell you enough how HOT our sex life is. This is a rare thing after almost 6 years, to be comfortable with a family life and still **** like crazy. Most marriages lose that after a few years.
Which brings me to my issue. After 5 1/2 years, we aren't married. We CHOSE it to be this way. My reasons were financial. I filed for bankruptcy 5 years ago AND I am still legally married to my ex-husband, only because both he and I are too cheap to pay for a divorce. My boyfriends reasons have been, my finances, my insecurities in the past, his age... but all of these reasons were given in the first 2 years of our relationship. Three years later, he makes comments like "when we get married" or "when we are married". So, I just assumed that one day, when the timing is right, we would just get married!
Sooooo... Last night the topic of marriage came up while watching a movie and I said... "If I was legally divorced instead of separated, would you want to get married now"? And he said "I don't know" (I'm thinking, ***?? But remained cool). Then I said "well what if we were also okay financially? What if my bankruptcy were over"? And he said "OMG. I don't know. I don't think so". I was very hurt to say the least. I asked him why and he said that it's because we still fight. :(
I'm confused. Yes, we do have fights. They're never crazy or abusive. They are arguments between 2 people who live together. They are not frequent and they are about little things as I mentioned above. I guess he thinks that married people should NEVER fight?? I don't know... I don't know what to do. I love him so much. He is always loving towards me. Kisses me all the time. Tells me he loves me all the time. He has never cheated on me or been abusive. Almost 6 years later and he still holds my hand when we go places. I JUST ASSUMED that since things have been good for the past couple of years and also because he talks about it, that he WANTED to get married but he knew, LIKE I DID, that the timing wasn't right due to finances!!
Now, I don't know what to think. All of a sudden, my old insecurities are popping up and I HATE IT! He talks of our future together... even in to retirement, yet he doesn't want to marry me because we have arguments?? It doesn't make sense.
I need advice and preferably from as many men as possible. Honest advice. Ladies, I'll take yours too, of course!