Okay, if you have a few minutes, I'll give you the low down on my situation. I met him 7 years ago at work. One year later, we started dating. Three months into dating, we moved in with each other. I was 36, he was 23. I had (have) three kids from 2 previous relationships. One I married, the other I did not. I was married for 9 years. My youngest child was almost 2 years old when my boyfriend and I moved in with each other 5 1/2 years ago, and he calls him "Daddy". The beginning of our relationship was good. One year in, it became a little rocky and then even rockier by year 3. No abuse... only arguments. The arguments stemmed from my own insecurities... a lot of them because of the age difference. But in my defense, my insecurities stemmed from a prior relationship where I was cheated on, all of the time AND also because my boyfriend has a roving eye. He's never cheated physically, but he is a flirt and I caught him a few times being a little too friendly with girls on the internet in the past. (One girl still exists to this day. She's married, but also a potential threat... that's a whole other story).

Anyhoo... 3 years into the relationship... I decided to just let it go. My boyfriend had stuck it through all of my sappy, crybaby, jealous rage, issues. I figured that if he was still kissing me, hugging me, telling me how pretty and beautiful I was, loving me, helping with the family, being a daddy... that he really loved me and it was time to get my act together. I didn't want to be a victim of my past, any longer. So, I changed. We even moved into our dream house. Life was getting better every day.

Fast forward 2 1/2 years. We are still in our dream house and I am now 41 and he is 28. While I learned to relax and let things go... I still have my moments but they are few and far between. I can HONESTLY say that. I feel good about who I am and where I am! :) I'm 41 and rather you believe it or not, I look 10 years younger. I get hit on, a lot. Actually, it unnerves me for the most part. It's weird being stared at like a piece of meat. But I am loyal and I have no need for anyone else. I love my boyfriend. We have a wonderful life together. We fit well. We have everything that anyone could want. We're loving, affectionate, our sex life rocks, people want to BE US. This is NO joke! We've had people actually tell us that. And yes, we do still argue... just like anyone else. However, our arguments no longer stem from insecurities. They stem from normal stuff like housework and mowing the lawn. Or who's going to pick up the kids or go to the store. Lol. We have grown. We have bonded. We have many, many friends that love us to death. We have a family... our boy is now 7 and LOVES his Daddy... and yes, he also see's his biological father. We're a good team... we've become comfortable, yet we still have passion. I cannot tell you enough how HOT our sex life is. This is a rare thing after almost 6 years, to be comfortable with a family life and still **** like crazy. Most marriages lose that after a few years.

Which brings me to my issue. After 5 1/2 years, we aren't married. We CHOSE it to be this way. My reasons were financial. I filed for bankruptcy 5 years ago AND I am still legally married to my ex-husband, only because both he and I are too cheap to pay for a divorce. My boyfriends reasons have been, my finances, my insecurities in the past, his age... but all of these reasons were given in the first 2 years of our relationship. Three years later, he makes comments like "when we get married" or "when we are married". So, I just assumed that one day, when the timing is right, we would just get married!

Sooooo... Last night the topic of marriage came up while watching a movie and I said... "If I was legally divorced instead of separated, would you want to get married now"? And he said "I don't know" (I'm thinking, ***?? But remained cool). Then I said "well what if we were also okay financially? What if my bankruptcy were over"? And he said "OMG. I don't know. I don't think so". I was very hurt to say the least. I asked him why and he said that it's because we still fight. :(

I'm confused. Yes, we do have fights. They're never crazy or abusive. They are arguments between 2 people who live together. They are not frequent and they are about little things as I mentioned above. I guess he thinks that married people should NEVER fight?? I don't know... I don't know what to do. I love him so much. He is always loving towards me. Kisses me all the time. Tells me he loves me all the time. He has never cheated on me or been abusive. Almost 6 years later and he still holds my hand when we go places. I JUST ASSUMED that since things have been good for the past couple of years and also because he talks about it, that he WANTED to get married but he knew, LIKE I DID, that the timing wasn't right due to finances!!

Now, I don't know what to think. All of a sudden, my old insecurities are popping up and I HATE IT! He talks of our future together... even in to retirement, yet he doesn't want to marry me because we have arguments?? It doesn't make sense.

I need advice and preferably from as many men as possible. Honest advice. Ladies, I'll take yours too, of course!

Well I have been broke up from my fiancée for over a year. We were together over 2years, engaged/living together 1.5 yrs. Then about 1.5 months before wedding, he turned to me said " I can't get married". Blew me away. Said loved me wanted to be with me, but just couldn't go through with the married deal. So I said don't let door hit you, didn't want to spend rest of my life playing house. So he left, and found someone right away and here I am still trying to get over him.
So if your as happy as you write, then if you choose to pursue this you need to fully understand what could happen. Are you ready to face that. This is coming from a woman who just turned 47 years young!

I don't know what to do. I know that he loves me, but there is apparently SOMETHING that is keeping him from the actual act of going through with it. Maybe it's the fact that I cannot have biological children with him? It's something that he says isn't important to him but I know deep down in my heart that he would like to have kids of his own. Even though he tells his family and our friends that he "already has kids and doesn't need any more".

Problem is this... 1. I love him soooo much 2. He is good to me 3. He's been raising my son as his own for almost 6 years, as well as my 14 year old daughter. Us not being together would be especially hard on them... after all, they aren't his biological children and they all MIGHT wander away from each other as time goes on IF we do end up ending our relationship. That possibility saddens me.

I don't want to end it. But if he has reservations about marriage, that is a huge issue for me. One of these days, I want to get married. It'll take me a few more years in this economy to get my finances back in order, but for me, that's the ONLY reason I don't want to get married right now. He apparently, feels differently.

I can't imagine what you are going through. However, you're story rings true to a point. Most men who say they don't want to get married, end up marrying someone else within a short amount of time. It sucks.

No, my ex didn't get married, he just found another woman who was satisfied "playing house".
Okay so I have to ask, why panicking about getting married, you aren't even divorced yet, still having to settle your financial situation. That alone could take year or longer.
You are happy in everything pertaining to your relationship, except him unwilling to get married. You can't do that yet anyway, so just let it drop. I think you feeling more hurt over thinking he is rejecting you, then him not wanting to get married. My point of telling you my experience is that if you really love him and happy, don't just throw this away because you want that re-assurance.
I don't know if my relationship would have worked out, or what. I do know that if I wouldn't of been so busy trying to be in control of how I WANTED him to reassure me perhaps we would be still be together.

You seem to be tripping over a lot of useless details, and your plan of action is clear if you stop being distracted by your own fears. Get your divorce, and finances together, and then see if he wants to make it official.

After 7 years he probably won't make you do it unless you start making some moves on your own, and my question is why Haven't you done so before?

That would go along way in making the time right, would it not? Take care of YOUR business. Then you can deal with what is, and not suffer through what ifs.

Seems to me you are overdue.

You are both right. I need to get my divorce finalized and continue to rebuild my credit. Only time will tell what will become of us. As of now, the only problem (if you can call it one) is that he isn't ready for marriage. But the question still keeps going over and over in my head... If I was divorced and didn't have a credit problem, then WHY NOT? It's been almost 7 years! It seems to me that the answer MUST be WITH ME. Something about me... Yet he has nothing but good things to say to me and about me... I don't get it.

Thank you for your replies.

Your first mistake was, in all this time with him, not getting divorced. If I were him, and suddenly the marriage topic comes up, and you are still not divorced, I would not, again, set myself up for disappointment. I wouldn't be talking marriage to anybody seriously who is not divorced.

That you have such a strong commitment to each other, is such a plus, and I hope that you make some concrete steps to be truly available. As long as you are married to another man, even technically, you are till married.

If he is saying he hesitates because the two of you fight too much, it could be an excuse, or, he could be right. Maybe you made the assumption that when an argument was over, it was over. But for him, all the arguments have turned into status quo, and he is seeing just one long string of arguments that are not ever settled. They just keep piling up.

Arguing and being angry, are honest, emotional, and human characteristics that none of us can avoid. The key is not to minimize an argument as being 'just over little things', because often times the argument over who didn't cut the grass, really means, here we go again. You don't listen to me, and we already argued about the grass 10 times this month, and every time I end up cutting it, just to avoid another argument about who's going to cut the grass.

Listening is the hard part. To what is said, and to what is not said. It is easy to get caught up in the blurr of activity that goes on in a busy houshold, and arguments and conversations are more like sound bites, with commercials between. Nothing is really, truly resolved. You may not appreciate that he is very hurt by something you have said, because if he brings it up, it could cause another argument.

Try your best to work hard on using this revelation of his, to take a new drection in your relationship. More pillow talk, and less scrambling around getting things done. Things can wait. Make him your #1 priority, and see if you can't allow for more time for just the two of you. Life will only get busier for many years to come with kids in the picture. Don't lose track of each other, simply because you didn't have the time to talk, and to really listen.

Sadly Women need labels... they can have the label and a ****ed up relationship and be happy or be with a great man that doesn't want to go through the ceremony and throw it all away after proving he wants to be with you for years and years... by actually being with you for years and years. Get over your labels and look at what you actually have.

cg2374--your generalization sucks.

It's like saying all men are afraid of marriage because they don't want to deal with alimony down the road.

The ONLY reason my husband and I got married after being together for 5 years is that when I had to take him to the ER for chest pains, they wouldn't let me see him or give me information on him. Longest 8 hours of my life. I told him on the way home from the hospital that we were getting married the next summer, and if he had objections, he had one week to voice them because otherwise I was going to start planning. I was NEVER going through that again.

So--no. Women don't need "labels". PEOPLE like to have a legal commitment, though---both men AND women.

PS--to the OP: YOUR problem is that you didn't take care of your stuff before this. HIS problem is that the status quo is working just fine--why fix what ain't broken?

Yes it is a generalization... but is used to make a specific point. She has the man right there with here in the same house sharing everything actually walking the walk of being with her. I would say most women want the legal commitment.